The Cost of a Thing
This weekend was a roller coaster of emotions. Starting out with immense frustration Saturday morning. I'd intended to go hiking and rolled the dice against the constantly unreliable predictions of meteorologists. The moment I parked at Teasons woods I was doomed. The rain came down in buckets.
I drove around and it seemed to stop, so I went back and started a hike. About 15 minutes in the skies opened up and I found myself hiding beneath a massive maple tree waiting for any sign of the showers easing. Once it did enough, I made my way back to the car enraged and discouraged.
I ended up getting on La Grange Road and just kept driving south. Past where my parents live. Past Frankfort. I just kept going out past Bell Road. The landscape opened up to vast farmland as far as the eye could see. Unpaved side roads disappearing over rolling hills. Old barns decaying next to sixties-looking ranch houses with out of place new SUVs in the driveways. I just kept driving, splashing through flooded roads.
I'm not sure where I turned around. Perhaps a little after Route 52. It was such a juxtaposition to the city. I wonder about life out there. Living in a tornado alley, with little churches on every corner where someone like me would likely be crucified on the front lawn.
After stopping at my parents I went home exhausted having been awake since 3:30 in the morning. I'd intended on getting up at 4:30 but a combination of stagnant, humid air in my apartment and the rattling of my landlord's ceiling fan under my bedroom kept waking me up.
I decided since the weather was going to be better to try again Sunday morning. I intended to try finding the Esker Trail into the so-called Visitation Prairie I read about in an article. The most secluded spot in Cook County they said. The trail was a bit tedious as the heavy rains from Saturday created some formidable, raging creeks throughout the woods. Mud was everywhere. The plants were all still wet soaking the legs of my shorts. And even with bug spray on the mosquitoes were relentless.
I'm not quite sure if I saw Visitation Prairie or not. It is not on any maps I could find. A sort of best-kept-secret the Forest Preserve people and residents don't want to give away. Nevertheless, the walk through the woods was pleasant once I got over the fear I had of being lost. I had probably hiked a couple miles by 7 AM. I didn't see my first human beings until an hour after that. Not a bad morning when one can go almost 3 hours without encountering another person.
(Much later in the day, on my drive back the lakefront was swamped with people and I felt the churning angst in my gut of just wanting to be away from all of them.)
I zig-zagged through several trail systems. Went to grab a quick breakfast and then went back to Bullfrog Lake which is the preserve I have most frequented. It was actually quite nice. At this point it was after 9:15 in the morning, but there were still no people. Just a few vehicles parked towards the entrance. None by the lake at all. Perhaps I was there in between the early morning fishermen and the afternoon picnickers.
It was peaceful but at this point I found my brain wandering to thoughts of work and getting home and it made the experience a bit tainted. I knew if I waited to long to head home I would get stuck in Sunday traffic. I thought about all these work projects building in the shadows that are going to make the coming weeks and months absolutely horrendous for me.
One thing I had been giving thought to was something I'd never thought about before. Possibly going camping alone. I've wanted to try camping for a couple years now but it seems the only way to compromise on the idea with the folks I know is to go to a "gay" campground. Since most likely I'd be the only one interested in nature and everyone else's interests would be the same they have in the city every day of their lives. Of course, I say that with heavy contempt.
If I planned it properly, and knew what I was doing, I think it would be okay. I am not talking about going alone into the mountains. Maybe just some campground in western Illinois or something where I could bring my father's telescope and stargaze at night before an early morning hike. Sure, I'd be afraid of getting ax-murdered or robbed by maniacs. I honestly do not know what to even expect on such an endeavor.
But, it would be a chance to combine several things I've wanted to do. Hiking somewhere farther out, camping and stargazing. Just something I am considering. I definitely want to at least try hiking in Wisconsin or possibly the Indiana Dunes. The Palos preservers are an easy, quick way to enjoy nature out of the city but I don't want to burn myself out on them.
My feelings about other human beings however seem to be getting more burnt out with each visit I make into the woods. I just have no interest in being around most of society at the moment. I'm so tired of the monotony of most people's interests, the general clamor like the waves on the ocean of their daily existences. Truly, today I was reminded that the breeders that live below me seem to have only one volume to their voices: Shouting.
I just need something different right now.
I have been wondering yet again about the possibility of meeting some new people who have these same interests. But, at the same time my explorations are very personal, solitary affairs. I feel like having anyone along would do nothing to enhance the situation for me.
I had an interesting thought about people and friendships yesterday. My friendships from my youth and teen years as I reflected the other day had a different nature I think than the friendships I have today. And this is not a comparison of better or worse, just an observation based on the person I was then and now.
Back then, sex was not a factor. But, it seems that most of my interactions with people today on some level has the sex-based influence potential. I have friends I have slept with, dated, had fleeting interest... I sometimes wonder if that affects my relationships with people in a negative way. Clearly, I have issues with sex... even the thought of physical contact between myself and a friend makes me cringe. Perhaps something is broken in me now.
I'm thinking about getting older and I wonder if I will simply be alone. I am not looking at it as a negative or a positive. I have been a loner all my life. It is simply a state I find comfort in. But, if I were to leave the city and the binge drinking lifestyle behind, what then? What kind of life would I have somewhere else. I am certain my fantasy of being independently wealthy, spending my days gardening and landscaping are just an illusion. In reality, if I followed through I would buy a house in some awful neighborhood and still have to endure daily interactions with awful human beings.
Would I just replace binge drinking with shopping at the mall or overeating. What kind of person would I be if I left the comfort zone I've been in my entire adult life.
Yesterday was Thoreau's birthday. A fitting peer for me to consider on the past two days of hikes. It has been a long time since I read 'Walden' and I have always wanted to reread it. I know the foundation of his journey was similar to my own turmoil right now. The modern world and its chokehold on the human experience.
Could I find another way to live without this society constantly influencing me and judging the outcomes.
Two notes on thoughts from this past weekend:
1. When I was younger, my father would often take me in the car and we would drive around aimlessly for hours. Most often to the country out where I had taken my drive. I remember us on one instance stopping at the side of the road by a horse farm. My dad struck up a conversation with the rancher there by the fence while I wandered around the out edge of the pen.
I eventually came across a pile of horse bones and turned around. I know at this point my parents were having issues. My dad always seemed to want to get out of the house one day a weekend. Perhaps he was going through something similar to what I am now. He would have been around this age.
2. I dated someone years ago, Pfluggs, who would use Thoreau's "live deliberately" quote as a rallying cry for himself. He was balding at 24 and ashamed of it and tried everything money could buy to get hair (his own or later fake hair). He was also engulfed in the gay nightlife and got into using drugs.
When I think back on him and his use of the quote I find it laughable. It makes me think of how gay men are essentially adult children. They never get past the point of risky behavior and self-indulgence. He was a smart, driven person. But, he went nowhere. When I saw him later in life he was still the pathetic loser affected at every turn by the perceptions of people around him. Wearing a ridiculous hair piece. Dating kids 20 years his junior who talked to him and treated him like crap. He was a loser.
I would not consider anything I've seen or heard of him these past 18 years to be "living deliberately". It makes me think even worse of the gay lifestyle that this is the status quo. Many of the people I know are still influenced day in and out but the opinions of the vacuous people around them. Even I am constantly badgered and affected. Am I all the worse for being so and realizing it?
I drove around and it seemed to stop, so I went back and started a hike. About 15 minutes in the skies opened up and I found myself hiding beneath a massive maple tree waiting for any sign of the showers easing. Once it did enough, I made my way back to the car enraged and discouraged.
I ended up getting on La Grange Road and just kept driving south. Past where my parents live. Past Frankfort. I just kept going out past Bell Road. The landscape opened up to vast farmland as far as the eye could see. Unpaved side roads disappearing over rolling hills. Old barns decaying next to sixties-looking ranch houses with out of place new SUVs in the driveways. I just kept driving, splashing through flooded roads.
I'm not sure where I turned around. Perhaps a little after Route 52. It was such a juxtaposition to the city. I wonder about life out there. Living in a tornado alley, with little churches on every corner where someone like me would likely be crucified on the front lawn.
After stopping at my parents I went home exhausted having been awake since 3:30 in the morning. I'd intended on getting up at 4:30 but a combination of stagnant, humid air in my apartment and the rattling of my landlord's ceiling fan under my bedroom kept waking me up.
I decided since the weather was going to be better to try again Sunday morning. I intended to try finding the Esker Trail into the so-called Visitation Prairie I read about in an article. The most secluded spot in Cook County they said. The trail was a bit tedious as the heavy rains from Saturday created some formidable, raging creeks throughout the woods. Mud was everywhere. The plants were all still wet soaking the legs of my shorts. And even with bug spray on the mosquitoes were relentless.
I'm not quite sure if I saw Visitation Prairie or not. It is not on any maps I could find. A sort of best-kept-secret the Forest Preserve people and residents don't want to give away. Nevertheless, the walk through the woods was pleasant once I got over the fear I had of being lost. I had probably hiked a couple miles by 7 AM. I didn't see my first human beings until an hour after that. Not a bad morning when one can go almost 3 hours without encountering another person.
(Much later in the day, on my drive back the lakefront was swamped with people and I felt the churning angst in my gut of just wanting to be away from all of them.)
I zig-zagged through several trail systems. Went to grab a quick breakfast and then went back to Bullfrog Lake which is the preserve I have most frequented. It was actually quite nice. At this point it was after 9:15 in the morning, but there were still no people. Just a few vehicles parked towards the entrance. None by the lake at all. Perhaps I was there in between the early morning fishermen and the afternoon picnickers.
It was peaceful but at this point I found my brain wandering to thoughts of work and getting home and it made the experience a bit tainted. I knew if I waited to long to head home I would get stuck in Sunday traffic. I thought about all these work projects building in the shadows that are going to make the coming weeks and months absolutely horrendous for me.
One thing I had been giving thought to was something I'd never thought about before. Possibly going camping alone. I've wanted to try camping for a couple years now but it seems the only way to compromise on the idea with the folks I know is to go to a "gay" campground. Since most likely I'd be the only one interested in nature and everyone else's interests would be the same they have in the city every day of their lives. Of course, I say that with heavy contempt.
If I planned it properly, and knew what I was doing, I think it would be okay. I am not talking about going alone into the mountains. Maybe just some campground in western Illinois or something where I could bring my father's telescope and stargaze at night before an early morning hike. Sure, I'd be afraid of getting ax-murdered or robbed by maniacs. I honestly do not know what to even expect on such an endeavor.
But, it would be a chance to combine several things I've wanted to do. Hiking somewhere farther out, camping and stargazing. Just something I am considering. I definitely want to at least try hiking in Wisconsin or possibly the Indiana Dunes. The Palos preservers are an easy, quick way to enjoy nature out of the city but I don't want to burn myself out on them.
My feelings about other human beings however seem to be getting more burnt out with each visit I make into the woods. I just have no interest in being around most of society at the moment. I'm so tired of the monotony of most people's interests, the general clamor like the waves on the ocean of their daily existences. Truly, today I was reminded that the breeders that live below me seem to have only one volume to their voices: Shouting.
I just need something different right now.
I have been wondering yet again about the possibility of meeting some new people who have these same interests. But, at the same time my explorations are very personal, solitary affairs. I feel like having anyone along would do nothing to enhance the situation for me.
I had an interesting thought about people and friendships yesterday. My friendships from my youth and teen years as I reflected the other day had a different nature I think than the friendships I have today. And this is not a comparison of better or worse, just an observation based on the person I was then and now.
Back then, sex was not a factor. But, it seems that most of my interactions with people today on some level has the sex-based influence potential. I have friends I have slept with, dated, had fleeting interest... I sometimes wonder if that affects my relationships with people in a negative way. Clearly, I have issues with sex... even the thought of physical contact between myself and a friend makes me cringe. Perhaps something is broken in me now.
I'm thinking about getting older and I wonder if I will simply be alone. I am not looking at it as a negative or a positive. I have been a loner all my life. It is simply a state I find comfort in. But, if I were to leave the city and the binge drinking lifestyle behind, what then? What kind of life would I have somewhere else. I am certain my fantasy of being independently wealthy, spending my days gardening and landscaping are just an illusion. In reality, if I followed through I would buy a house in some awful neighborhood and still have to endure daily interactions with awful human beings.
Would I just replace binge drinking with shopping at the mall or overeating. What kind of person would I be if I left the comfort zone I've been in my entire adult life.
Yesterday was Thoreau's birthday. A fitting peer for me to consider on the past two days of hikes. It has been a long time since I read 'Walden' and I have always wanted to reread it. I know the foundation of his journey was similar to my own turmoil right now. The modern world and its chokehold on the human experience.
Could I find another way to live without this society constantly influencing me and judging the outcomes.
Two notes on thoughts from this past weekend:
1. When I was younger, my father would often take me in the car and we would drive around aimlessly for hours. Most often to the country out where I had taken my drive. I remember us on one instance stopping at the side of the road by a horse farm. My dad struck up a conversation with the rancher there by the fence while I wandered around the out edge of the pen.
I eventually came across a pile of horse bones and turned around. I know at this point my parents were having issues. My dad always seemed to want to get out of the house one day a weekend. Perhaps he was going through something similar to what I am now. He would have been around this age.
2. I dated someone years ago, Pfluggs, who would use Thoreau's "live deliberately" quote as a rallying cry for himself. He was balding at 24 and ashamed of it and tried everything money could buy to get hair (his own or later fake hair). He was also engulfed in the gay nightlife and got into using drugs.
When I think back on him and his use of the quote I find it laughable. It makes me think of how gay men are essentially adult children. They never get past the point of risky behavior and self-indulgence. He was a smart, driven person. But, he went nowhere. When I saw him later in life he was still the pathetic loser affected at every turn by the perceptions of people around him. Wearing a ridiculous hair piece. Dating kids 20 years his junior who talked to him and treated him like crap. He was a loser.
I would not consider anything I've seen or heard of him these past 18 years to be "living deliberately". It makes me think even worse of the gay lifestyle that this is the status quo. Many of the people I know are still influenced day in and out but the opinions of the vacuous people around them. Even I am constantly badgered and affected. Am I all the worse for being so and realizing it?