The Derision
Often when I talk about the frustration I have in my friendships I am actually only speaking of one friendship: Rockwell's. He is just sometimes so condescending and arrogant that I blow up about it... and he of course, plays level-headed and turns the situation around on me saying that he hasn't done anything wrong.
I've witnessed him being a condescending dick to other people before (which he vehemently denies if I ever point it out... but, the minute the Doctor agrees with me, suddenly he is remorseful and sending out apology emails). But, it has been a pretty consistent trend since I knew him, and he dismisses pretty much everything that comes out of my mouth.
Just a few weeks ago he was complaining about pain he was having in one of his fingers that he thought might be the onset of arthritis of all things. I tried to explain to him what arthritis feels like because I have it in both my big toes from years of running and abuse. He, of course, almost blatantly ignored what I was saying... and really came across as thinking I was completely making it up. Which he does all the time on pretty much any topic one could pick that we've discussed.
I know that was his feeling more so because the next week when the Doctor was back around, he repeated the same conversation he had with me and asked the Doctor to give a description of what arthritis felt like. I immediately spoke up and told him I already described it, to which he waved me off (literally waved his hand at me). I asked him if he thought I was making it up and he dodged the question by saying he wanted a "professional opinion", to which the Doctor did not have one to give.
It is endlessly frustrating and makes me feel like the relationship is just a huge waste of my time. If I can't be myself with someone, and be opinionated and have conversations without it being personal, what is it really worth to me.
So today the three of us met for lunch and almost immediately Rockwell seemed confrontational. As is often his pattern, he is having stress at home with some plumbing issues his building is working on, so we'll meet up and he'll channel his angst about issues like that at me.
I brought up a conversation I'd had the day before with a guy he knew about "white privilege" and he responded back condescendingly that I "don't have real opinions" I am just "dismissive" of anything I don't agree with. I don't agree with that at all and it honestly bothered me to hear it. I am a deeply introspective and empathetic person... I am not saying that to blow sunshine up my own ass. If I have an opinion about something, even if that opinion is wrong, I still spend a lot of time forming that opinion. I am not rash and I am certainly not some dullard.
I immediately blew up at him in the diner much to the Doctor's embarrassment. Rockwell turned it all onto me as expected saying he wasn't being condescending (spoken in his usual, deeply condescending tone). I was completely enraged. I called him out on the fact he seemed to show up there looking for a fight, that his opinion of me was insulting... that his thoughts on anything are to be taken as absolute fact and I cannot speak of anything because I am a "dismissive idiot" (even though by his very nature he dismisses 90% of everything that comes out of my mouth).
I ended my tirade I suppose quite childishly when I said that sometimes he was just completely unpleasant to be around. But, this is the first time of probably an accumulation of six months of incidents where he treated me like some second-class idiot and I didn't say anything about it. I find half the time I am walking on eggshells with him, filtering my conversation for this very reason... because of how he treats me when I deviate into dangerous topics.
Of course, the Doctor would not say a word because he doesn't want to "get stuck in the middle" even though he has defended other people caught in Rockwell's wrath and said things to me one on one about Rockwell's behavior when it comes to me. And I don't need to get into a list of names of many other people who have witnessed Rockwell's behavior towards me and wondered if he was still harboring lust or resentment for me. Though this current behavior is more pleasant I suppose than how volatile he used to get towards me when he was drunk several years back.
I am not saying I am some angel. And I am aware I have very strong opinions about things. And if he is offended by my opinions that is fine. But, I've never attacked one of his greatly held, liberal beliefs. More so it seems he feels attacked when I have any opinion that goes against *his* belief. It is just tiring. I have so much more fun with the Doctor when Rockwell isn't around, which I know bothers him.
The Doctor and I went out last Wednesday just randomly and it was one of the first biting comments Rockwell started out with... "Oh, you piss and moan about going to Sidetrack with me but then you go with the Doctor". Clearly, hurt like some 5-year-old child. I retorted frankly that I spent half my time at Sidetrack that night ripping on how pathetic the place had become compared to how much fun we used to have there.
One of the many topics sloshing around in my head I did not write down the past week I had wanted to was the difference between my friendships as a teen/early twenty-something and my relationships now. When we were young my friends and I would walk around the neighborhood and we would talk and talk and talk for hours. We talked about everything inane and stupid. About life, the future, religion, God... we never stopped talking. I imagine we were like the ancient Greeks just sitting around philosophizing and debating all we knew about life at that point. We never ran out of things to say, and no one was ever attacked for having an opinion.
Now-a-days I feel that is all lost. Now I have to watch everything that comes out of my mouth because if I say something about faith or God or contemplate the future (like wanting a kid, straight sex), it is met with scoffing and derision. I honestly have developed a hatred for my generalized idea of "liberals" because of the awful interactions I have with a few people I consider to be the representatives of them in my life.
They are so arrogant and sure of their opinions, even when they have no basis in fact. Then they drop the word "science" and suddenly the conversation is over. There is no room for discussion, contemplation, theory... nothing. I have said it for years now, that all these people declaring themselves "open-minded" are some of the most rigorously closed-minded people I've ever heard.
I want to go back to those days of just sitting around and talking. Where every opinion didn't have to be followed by a judgment and mockery. But then it doesn't even seem worth it to bother trying. This is part of the reason I want to flee the city and buy a house somewhere rural... because one of my "best friends" is generally just an awful asshole and the situation seems inescapable.
And how awful am I for saying such things. But, it's just how I feel after days like today. I am not saying my time is more important than anyone else's. I am not saying my friendship is of more value than anyone else's. I am just saying, for me, it seems like such a waste of energy and effort to be around that kind of negativity. I already have so much of my own negativity to deal with.
If my personality rubs someone the wrong way. If someone else considers ME unpleasant, I have no problem with that and with them not wanting to be around me. I've been told that before by people. That's life. People have feelings and opinions the same as me. But, I'm not going to constantly, blatantly deride someone else's opinions to their face or treat them like a piece of shit on my shoe.
I just find being constantly put in this situation exhausting.
I've witnessed him being a condescending dick to other people before (which he vehemently denies if I ever point it out... but, the minute the Doctor agrees with me, suddenly he is remorseful and sending out apology emails). But, it has been a pretty consistent trend since I knew him, and he dismisses pretty much everything that comes out of my mouth.
Just a few weeks ago he was complaining about pain he was having in one of his fingers that he thought might be the onset of arthritis of all things. I tried to explain to him what arthritis feels like because I have it in both my big toes from years of running and abuse. He, of course, almost blatantly ignored what I was saying... and really came across as thinking I was completely making it up. Which he does all the time on pretty much any topic one could pick that we've discussed.
I know that was his feeling more so because the next week when the Doctor was back around, he repeated the same conversation he had with me and asked the Doctor to give a description of what arthritis felt like. I immediately spoke up and told him I already described it, to which he waved me off (literally waved his hand at me). I asked him if he thought I was making it up and he dodged the question by saying he wanted a "professional opinion", to which the Doctor did not have one to give.
It is endlessly frustrating and makes me feel like the relationship is just a huge waste of my time. If I can't be myself with someone, and be opinionated and have conversations without it being personal, what is it really worth to me.
So today the three of us met for lunch and almost immediately Rockwell seemed confrontational. As is often his pattern, he is having stress at home with some plumbing issues his building is working on, so we'll meet up and he'll channel his angst about issues like that at me.
I brought up a conversation I'd had the day before with a guy he knew about "white privilege" and he responded back condescendingly that I "don't have real opinions" I am just "dismissive" of anything I don't agree with. I don't agree with that at all and it honestly bothered me to hear it. I am a deeply introspective and empathetic person... I am not saying that to blow sunshine up my own ass. If I have an opinion about something, even if that opinion is wrong, I still spend a lot of time forming that opinion. I am not rash and I am certainly not some dullard.
I immediately blew up at him in the diner much to the Doctor's embarrassment. Rockwell turned it all onto me as expected saying he wasn't being condescending (spoken in his usual, deeply condescending tone). I was completely enraged. I called him out on the fact he seemed to show up there looking for a fight, that his opinion of me was insulting... that his thoughts on anything are to be taken as absolute fact and I cannot speak of anything because I am a "dismissive idiot" (even though by his very nature he dismisses 90% of everything that comes out of my mouth).
I ended my tirade I suppose quite childishly when I said that sometimes he was just completely unpleasant to be around. But, this is the first time of probably an accumulation of six months of incidents where he treated me like some second-class idiot and I didn't say anything about it. I find half the time I am walking on eggshells with him, filtering my conversation for this very reason... because of how he treats me when I deviate into dangerous topics.
Of course, the Doctor would not say a word because he doesn't want to "get stuck in the middle" even though he has defended other people caught in Rockwell's wrath and said things to me one on one about Rockwell's behavior when it comes to me. And I don't need to get into a list of names of many other people who have witnessed Rockwell's behavior towards me and wondered if he was still harboring lust or resentment for me. Though this current behavior is more pleasant I suppose than how volatile he used to get towards me when he was drunk several years back.
I am not saying I am some angel. And I am aware I have very strong opinions about things. And if he is offended by my opinions that is fine. But, I've never attacked one of his greatly held, liberal beliefs. More so it seems he feels attacked when I have any opinion that goes against *his* belief. It is just tiring. I have so much more fun with the Doctor when Rockwell isn't around, which I know bothers him.
The Doctor and I went out last Wednesday just randomly and it was one of the first biting comments Rockwell started out with... "Oh, you piss and moan about going to Sidetrack with me but then you go with the Doctor". Clearly, hurt like some 5-year-old child. I retorted frankly that I spent half my time at Sidetrack that night ripping on how pathetic the place had become compared to how much fun we used to have there.
One of the many topics sloshing around in my head I did not write down the past week I had wanted to was the difference between my friendships as a teen/early twenty-something and my relationships now. When we were young my friends and I would walk around the neighborhood and we would talk and talk and talk for hours. We talked about everything inane and stupid. About life, the future, religion, God... we never stopped talking. I imagine we were like the ancient Greeks just sitting around philosophizing and debating all we knew about life at that point. We never ran out of things to say, and no one was ever attacked for having an opinion.
Now-a-days I feel that is all lost. Now I have to watch everything that comes out of my mouth because if I say something about faith or God or contemplate the future (like wanting a kid, straight sex), it is met with scoffing and derision. I honestly have developed a hatred for my generalized idea of "liberals" because of the awful interactions I have with a few people I consider to be the representatives of them in my life.
They are so arrogant and sure of their opinions, even when they have no basis in fact. Then they drop the word "science" and suddenly the conversation is over. There is no room for discussion, contemplation, theory... nothing. I have said it for years now, that all these people declaring themselves "open-minded" are some of the most rigorously closed-minded people I've ever heard.
I want to go back to those days of just sitting around and talking. Where every opinion didn't have to be followed by a judgment and mockery. But then it doesn't even seem worth it to bother trying. This is part of the reason I want to flee the city and buy a house somewhere rural... because one of my "best friends" is generally just an awful asshole and the situation seems inescapable.
And how awful am I for saying such things. But, it's just how I feel after days like today. I am not saying my time is more important than anyone else's. I am not saying my friendship is of more value than anyone else's. I am just saying, for me, it seems like such a waste of energy and effort to be around that kind of negativity. I already have so much of my own negativity to deal with.
If my personality rubs someone the wrong way. If someone else considers ME unpleasant, I have no problem with that and with them not wanting to be around me. I've been told that before by people. That's life. People have feelings and opinions the same as me. But, I'm not going to constantly, blatantly deride someone else's opinions to their face or treat them like a piece of shit on my shoe.
I just find being constantly put in this situation exhausting.