Recurrence
It has been 12 years, but when I get drunk, I still think about him. About the time that has been lost. About the potential that will never be realized. About a lifetime that has never existed.
Does this make me a sad human being that I ponder these things. I would play the victim and say that I cannot help myself. But I can. I choose to remember. And somewhere in the shadows of this recollection I see something worth recalling.
Perhaps I was a better person back then. And I want to remember that.
Or, maybe I was in love. It would explain the empty puppetry of emotions I feel around anyone that can spark my interest.
No one I know could understand what I felt. They all think me this comical asshole who would say anything against emotion. None if them know what I have felt. What I have lost. I may well give anything to feel it again for a day.
If I could see him today. Just to know what kind of reaction my heart would give. But he has been a ghost for more than a decade.
Are my feelings false?
Am I a pathetic loser for having them?
As if I care what the answer was.
Once, ages ago, I cared about another human being as if he was my own flesh and my own blood. And no matter what time has passed, I still feel the aching in my bones for the loss I've endured.
Peoples opinions be damned. His own opinion be damned on the subject. I feel it. And it is real to me. Fuck the planet. Fuck everyone.
Does this make me a sad human being that I ponder these things. I would play the victim and say that I cannot help myself. But I can. I choose to remember. And somewhere in the shadows of this recollection I see something worth recalling.
Perhaps I was a better person back then. And I want to remember that.
Or, maybe I was in love. It would explain the empty puppetry of emotions I feel around anyone that can spark my interest.
No one I know could understand what I felt. They all think me this comical asshole who would say anything against emotion. None if them know what I have felt. What I have lost. I may well give anything to feel it again for a day.
If I could see him today. Just to know what kind of reaction my heart would give. But he has been a ghost for more than a decade.
Are my feelings false?
Am I a pathetic loser for having them?
As if I care what the answer was.
Once, ages ago, I cared about another human being as if he was my own flesh and my own blood. And no matter what time has passed, I still feel the aching in my bones for the loss I've endured.
Peoples opinions be damned. His own opinion be damned on the subject. I feel it. And it is real to me. Fuck the planet. Fuck everyone.