Dealing With Spencer-Chapter Ten-Part Two
“No. I’m not tired.”
“Can I come in?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know,” Kenji admitted and stepped inside, closing the door.
“Do you think your parents like me?” Spencer asked when Kenji slid next to him and pulled him on his back.
Shoulder and shoulder they both looked at the ceiling and Kenji took awhile to answer, “I don’t know. You definitely impressed my dad with Japanese poetry.”
Originally Kenji had sworn to himself that nothing intimate would happen while they were in his house, mostly to respect the wishes of his parents but now that he felt the blonde’s skinny body against his own he was worried if he would be able to keep that promise. He felt a shiver when Spencer moved to his side and looked at him through the dark shadows of the room, his face lit up by the moon.
“I like them,” he whispered and leaned down, placing a shy kiss on Kenji's cheeks, his hand absently caressing over Kenji's chest. “I like your friends, too.”
“I like you,” Kenji replied, locking eyes with him. There was something within Spencer's eyes that always amazed him. Actually there were so many facets. In that moment Spencer looked torn between something he wanted and a faint hint of fear. It made Kenji raise his hand to caress tenderly over the pale cheeks before pulling him down into a deep kiss. A kiss that definitely shattered all pre-made up vows.
When their lips parted he noticed Spencer's breathing and the growing agitation but also the evident inner struggle. For no apparent reason the blonde suddenly blushed and buried his face onto Kenji's neck as if he felt ashamed. He soaked in Kenji's body warmth and found himself pressing closer to him.
“What’s wrong?” Kenji asked amused and pushed him up and turned him on his back.
“Nothing,” Spencer answered but shunned his eyes away ashamedly.
“Why are you lying?”
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are and I can see it in your eyes,” Kenji claimed sternly but also kissed him fondly.
They let themselves sink deeper into the intimacy, kissing, touching, fondly playing with each other’s fingers, rolling around, chuckling. Kenji made some jokes that inevitably forced the blonde to laugh in delight before the sounds were killed by yet another kiss. For Spencer it felt like the world had started spinning. In the beginning he had been afraid of this room because it wasn’t his room, these weren’t his things but Kenji's. Though, with Kenji on his side aware of all tender affection it didn’t seem so scary anymore, his fear fading more and more with every kiss.
That change, though also filled him with a curiosity, filled him with questions he didn’t know how to ask because usually it was a topic he avoided. He was generally happy with the way things were between them, lying in Kenji's arms and feeling that body heat of his lover soaking into his skin made him a bit restless.
“Do you think of me when I’m not around?” He suddenly breathed out in between kisses and locked eyes with Kenji.
“Oh, yes. Almost every waking moment,” Kenji hushed and enjoyed the romantic aspect of this conversation. His relationship to Ty definitely lacked everything romantic. It started after he basically ran into Ty into the shower after soccer practice. Back then he was only having a vague idea that he might be into guys and that was instantly confirmed when Ty turned around, giving him a dirty smile. They touched each other, kissed and afterwards went out for a first official date.
Ty hated all romantic ideas and claimed that a relationship was built through chemical and physical attraction rather than something divine. Even though he often told Kenji casually that he loved him it was not what Kenji had wanted. With Spencer all of that was different and Kenji even welcomed that change. It even surprised himself to acknowledge that certain urge for something deeper than a purely sexual relationship. With Spencer he was almost amazed, always in awe and always overwhelmed with those passionate emotions.
“I think about you, too,” the blonde whispered and his lips eagerly pressed against Kenji's. His boyfriend replied with softly grazing his lips over his nose before parting them. Spencer couldn’t deny that everything Kenji did with his tongue sent shivers down his spine and he found himself offering his mouth for those playful games. He was aware of Kenji's hands sliding under his shirt because he was aware of every inch that was touched by Kenji.
“Is it weird when I call you cute?” Kenji asked breathlessly and slid his hand down Specncer's shirt, caressing the skin tenderly.
“Why would that be weird?”
“I don’t know.”
“If it’s weird you shouldn’t call me that.”
“It doesn’t feel weird to say it,” Kenji admitted and brushed his nose fondly against Spencer's cheek and stated more firmly, “I think you are cute.”
Spencer chuckled when Kenji embraced him, kissed his neck and he laughed when his boyfriend struggled with the blanket, which had fallen down a few times due the heavy movements. Sometimes they would just pause everything and lay there in each other’s arms before either one claimed more kisses or in Kenji's case started to enjoy teasing Spencer by tickling him.
“Kenji?”
“Yes?”
“What do you do when you think about me?”
The question surprised him and he interrupted his affectionate touches to lift his eyes, “What do you mean?”
“Well, sometimes…” Spencer started and haltered instantly.
“Yes?”
“Sometimes I think about you and I want to do things,” the blonde shyly confessed with a heavy blushing face that he tried to shield from Kenji's eyes. Almost like an embarrassed child he hid his face onto Kenji's neck.
“You want to do what?” Kenji asked cluelessly, forcing Spencer into finding a better way to explain what he wanted to say.
Spencer braced himself slightly and passionately kissed him before he breathed out, “I think about the tree house and what we did. Sometimes I dream of that. I like to dream about that because it’s a nice dream and doesn’t scare me. However sometimes when I wake up things are different.”
“Different how?” Kenji asked softly and Spencer instantly lowered his eyes again.
They hadn’t had much time for intimacy ever since they had gotten back from the Trainour's and even though Kenji was now allowed to stay with Spencer whenever he felt like it he had become more cautious when in the clinic. It amused him, startled him and definitely affected him deeply to hear those words because it hadn’t occurred to him that Spencer even thought about such things.
“Sometimes things happen in my dreams and sometimes I wake up and feel… you know… I mean…”
“Oh,” Kenji hushed, a little startled over this and not exactly prepared for it either, “I think about that, too.”
“It’s uncomfortable,” Spencer replied in a soft helpless voice and briefly shattered all romantic feelings.
“Uncomfortable?”
“Yes, uncomfortable and it takes a while to go away. And it always comes back when you kiss me. It’s not uncomfortable when you kiss me, though. I’m sorry I can’t explain it but it’s uncomfortable and I know what I should do but I’m not… I don’t do… that… because… I usually don’t like it but sometimes it gets really…”
“Spencer are you telling me you don’t…? I mean you, when you feel like that, you don’t release?” Kenji asked and couldn’t help but chuckle, mostly because Spencer looked so goddamn adorably ashamed.
“No,” the blonde croaked in an absent voice and shook his head, “It makes me feel lonely.”
It was the best explanation Spencer was able to provide. Satisfying himself had been something that his mother ruined for him and he mostly dreaded even the slightest urge to follow his body’s demands. That however had become a bit harder since he had met Kenji. He dared not to mention her and just hoped that Kenji would know why.
“It makes you feel lonely?” Kenji asked because he hadn’t expected that answer mostly because he, himself certainly had no problem in that area.
“I can’t explain it,” Spencer mumbled in shame and asked, “Do you do it often?”
“Actually… well, yes. I do it a lot,” the younger man admitted with wry smile, “I guess I don’t have much self-discipline.”
The confession had quite an impact on Spencer who shifted next to Kenji and felt a shiver crawling down his spine. He was confused but excited as well in a way that made him kiss him again before asking, “And you don’t feel alone?”
“No, not really. I don’t think about it that much, though. Actually I never thought about it that much.”
The last time Kenji really thought about the act itself was when the whole idea of jerking off had become the priority topic among male teenagers at his school. He still remembered that Zane had been venting because he hadn’t produced "results’ as they used to call it. Back then it was more of a gossiping about who did it and since when and how it felt, looked liked, smelled, tasted and how the whole act could be spiced up. Everyone had a good advice on that and discovering it had them pretty occupied during the first few weeks of dreadful puberty. Nowadays nobody talked about it aside from adding it to jokes. Fact was that Kenji never questioned it and never felt wrongly about it. He was just accepting what came along and in the first few weeks after discovering it he happily indulged in that newfound hobby.
“"When I was younger I hated it,” Spencer suddenly said, his voice sounding cold and sad at the same time and Kenji realized that it must have been something ruined by the early abuse. He wondered if he should ask but was afraid of the question itself.
“I’m sorry to hear that. It’s usually not something bad, you know. Maybe you ought to try it again,” he suggested carefully and much to his surprise the blonde suddenly giggled like a girl, which had him ask, “Why are you laughing?”
“I don’t really know. I’m feeling very awkward.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re so close and I really would like to… I’d like to.”
“You know if I wouldn’t know any better I’d say you are trying to seduce me.”
Spencer chuckled and leaned closer to him before hushing, “I’d like to see you.”
“What?”
“I’d like to see how you look like when you think of me,” the blonde explained and now Kenji had to choke out a laughter in disbelief.
“You want me to jerk off, now?” he asked amused and noticed the heavy blush on Spencer’s face.
“Maybe…”
“Maybe?”
“Yes, maybe.”
“I don’t know,” Kenji said, a bit baffled but couldn’t help but also like the idea. He couldn’t decide if it was because Spencer looked so beautiful, smelled so fantastic or was so close or if it was just those goddamn hormones. “Don’t you think it’s weird?”
“I don’t know, is it? Weird, I mean. Is it stupid? I don’t know,” Spencer muttered and Kenji stroked tenderly over the blonde hair.
“Why would you want to see me doing that?”
“Because I’d like to know how you look when you think about me,” Spencer explained again, not entirely sure if that was the right explanation.
“Okay,” Kenji hushed, still unsure but he turned on his back.
“Wait!”
“Hey, I haven’t even started.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kenji couldn’t suppress a laugh over the agitation, “Don’t be sorry, just relax because if you are not relaxed then I won’t be able to… you know…”
“Okay, I’m relaxed,” the blonde said in a trembling voice that sounded everything but relaxed.
“No, you’re not,” Kenji hushed, amused.
“Yes, I am. Very… relaxed,” Spencer stretched the last word and rested his head on the side, watching Kenji closely, “You can do it now.”
“Now, that’s a nice romantic setting,” Kenji choked out and instantly felt sorry because Spencer gave him a dumbfounded look, “I’m sorry, I was just joking.”
He made himself comfortable and actually needed to turn his eyes to the ceiling before reaching down his pants. Kenji shifted a bit before wrapping the familiar pressure of his hand around his sex. Due to the previous making out it was already hard and he carefully stroked himself, only to be startled by Spencer suddenly saying, “How long did you play soccer?”
“Are you seriously asking me about soccer, now?” Kenji asked, stopping his hand and gave the blonde a confused glare.
“Is that not appropriate?”
“I don’t know about appropriate but it’s distracting. It’s not really… arousing but if you want me to stop…”
“No, no, no. I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet,” Spencer hastily added and tried to look serious.
“You don’t have to be quiet,” Kenji pointed out carefully while continuing masturbating himself, strangely aware that his parents were sleeping in the next room and Spencer was watching him eagerly.
“But what is not distracting?”
“You remember the tree house? Well, this isn’t so different from it. I’d like to feel you close to me.”
“But when you think of me when I’m not around I’m not close to you.”
“You are always close to me,” Kenji whispered and faced him. It was definitely strange to do it in front of Spencer but watching him had quite a profound affect and he started to feel the pressure a little more intensely. With parched lips he gazed somewhat dreamily at the blonde and croaked, “And I always can remember how you feel like.”
Spencer watched him, then gazed along the blanket, watching the hand moving steadily up and down. His mind took a little longer to comprehend the connection but when it did it sent a jolt down his stomach and filled him with warmth. He noticed with a mixture of curiosity and arousal how Kenji's eyes seemed to flutter closed every now and then.
“How long does it take?” He asked and earned a sigh.
“Depends on how I feel,” Kenji tried to answer properly but he was now gripped rather deeply in a vault of pleasure.
The pale face now beamed with excitement as he kept watching Kenji and he found it extremely exciting as well. He also had about a million questions, mostly about the current state, which made the act a bit difficult for Kenji who started to feel like a test subject but acknowledged that with a smile since it also amused him.
“What are you feeling right now?”
“Oh, god, Spencer stop asking me that, please.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry but if you want me to finish somewhere tonight you have to stop distracting me.”
“What do you want me to do?”
Kenji paused for a moment before he hushed, “I’d like you to kiss me.”
With that Kenji decided for once to go for it and grabbed Spencer by his pajama sleeve and pulled him down. Their lips touched and opened and once their tongues collided, Kenji increased the strokes. His breathing as well turned more into a heavy panting but he kept holding on to Spencer. The blonde didn’t resist nor protest even though it was clearly not what he wanted to witness but strangely enough, they silently agreed to screw that anyway. Kenji had his hand wrapped tightly around his erection and moved it up and down fast in his very own known rhythm. His hips started to meet the jerks half way through and he moaned into Spencer's throat when his entire body started to tremble under his climax.
The thought surfaced when he still breathlessly kept holding on to Spencer and he pushed him on his back. He locked eyes with him and hushed, “It’s different with you. You’ve made that something very… very beautiful. Usually it’s more like a business call to get rid of a hard on. But with you it’s different.”
“But I can’t do that,” Spencer suddenly confessed, “I can’t because it makes me think of…”
Her, he added silently and Kenji once more cursed the blonde’s mother. He started to hate that she interfered in such moments.
“I’d like to do something to you. It’s something I thought about before. Something that you wondered about. I don’t want you to be afraid or feel wrong, though.”
“What do you want to do?” Spencer asked cautiously and shivered when Kenji pulled the blanket away and very slowly pulled his shirt up. Then he placed a soft kiss first on his chest, then stomach and he let his tongue trail further down but haltered when Spencer flinched and gasped, “No, Kenji. What are you doing?”
He was moving nervously, shifting restlessly because he was torn between his thoughts. He was not sure what Kenji intended but he recalled Ash's magazine and couldn’t decide whether that made him feel good or bad. It did scare him for sure.
“You can stop me whenever you want but please let me try this,” Kenji pleaded. He really wanted to do that because it was just something he generally liked to do or to receive for that matter and he was also aware that it must have been something that his mother never done to him which made it all the more important. Besides Kenji was also sixteen, his pants wet from masturbating and he found himself really eager to go through this.
“I don’t know,” Spencer whispered, not really able to look at Kenji directly.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Then trust me on this. You might like it,” Kenji said softly and waited for Spencer's allowance.
Tentatively Kemji leaned down again and very slowly worked his way down, always aware that Spencer was shivering and under a lot of stress. The blonde, though completely overwhelmed did not stop him. He shifted only slightly when Kenji lifted his pj-pants and pulled them down almost in slow motion. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling because he found the white soothing and distracting. He wasn’t sure if he liked what was happening.
The first time Kenji laid his lips around Spencer's sex the blonde let out a shriek and shifted so heavily that he almost knocked Kenji out, who hastily moved up and hushed, “It’s okay. I can stop.”
“No. I mean. I… mean no… don’t… stop,” Spencer exhaled sharply, feeling a bit out of focus all of the sudden. He registered every sense in his body at full alert and couldn’t help but wanting Kenji to continue even though he was still estranged by it.
Kenji smiled softly and kissed him before sliding down on him again. For Spencer a lot of things made more sense by that. The magazines as well as Ash's comment. It was also something that nobody had ever done before and he couldn’t help but enjoying it up to the point where even his body reacted out of his control. Just like in the tree house he liked to let himself fall without that nagging pain of the past. With Kenji this felt all right, wonderful, perfect even.
When all of it was over and Kenji pulled him in his arms, fondly wiping away some sweat pearls and softly soothing his excitement down with pillow talk Spencer felt a bit like in the tree house. It was surely different but there was a certain safety in this place. He wasn’t sure if it was the room or the house or the simple embrace by Kenji. Whatever it was it made him turn around and say, “I love you.”
For a second Kenji felt like falling, like someone had just pushed him down a high building and he was sailing down towards the traffic lights. Not because it scared him but because it overwhelmed him. He had waited so long for those three words and now that they were spoken he felt like crying, mostly because he felt very strongly in that very moment that he had made the right decision and that nothing would ever be able to break them apart.
“I love you, too,” he replied in a rasping voice feeling like a tragic lover that finally found a happy ending. Very well forgotten were the upcoming Thanksgiving Lunch or the soccer match.
Because what could possibly go wrong now?