Dealing With Spencer-Chapter Ten-Part One
“Things always happen for a reason,” his father said around 4 a.m. in the morning and Kenji noticed that he believed his father to be a little peculiar. Sometimes, at least. He couldn’t really figure out if it was because a ghostly paleness that claimed his face or because his hands were curled into fists so tightly that the white bones were bending through the skin. They had been sitting on this table for nearly six hours now and aside from occasional urges that involved leaving for the bathroom or angry walks of agitation around the table nothing really had changed; except they had all become incredibly tired and the exhaustion of convincing each other to be right had strained them of energy.
While Kenji's mother used the quietness by blankly staring at the wall decoration with that shadow of a thought that she might start rearranging everything just for the sake of doing something, his father had become strangely quiet. Too quiet for Kenji's taste and he would have preferred more screaming and declaring him insane because it was something he could deal with. He had no idea how to deal with his dad sunken deep in the chair with a gloomy facial impression. Apparently the knowledge of Kenji being deeply in love had a sort of devastating affect.
Only one time before had Kenji sat down at this table for a serious discussion, which actually lasted till the next morning, meaning this one could possibly be longer. Back then he had stolen, no borrowed his brother’s car for a test drive and he later confessed to make out with Ty and basically crashed the poor Volvo into an innocent tree. Nothing serious happened but Kenji recalled his parents being furious with him. Unfortunately they weren’t even furious anymore.
Nonetheless he wasn’t too foolish to expect anything else, he was directly confronted with their bafflement. The inability to comprehend the situation was seemingly shadowed within their faces and for the first time since the car crashing incident Kenji felt that he sincerely disappointed them. It wasn’t that they shared an unusually tight bond but there always had been traces of a genuine love for each other, mostly showing in some minor ways. Sadly, they didn’t know each other all that well or maybe they had just simply drifted away from the times that Kenji would proudly tell them everything.
Everything with Kenji rushed so fast that especially Kenji's dad often felt overwhelmed. He was still struggling with Kenji's homosexuality, though not loving him any less but experienced that dreaded attention from co-workers, neighbours and friends that made him sometimes feel reduced to the father with the gay son. He was still getting used to the introductions sounding like, "This is Mr. Miyagi and his son is gay,’ always followed by that strange compassionate glare and reply, “I know someone who’s gay.”
In addition of all possible partners he had brought Ty Howes home and Kenji's father had always sincerely disliked the Howes kid. Never in his life would Kenji's father have expected that he would find himself hoping for Ty to be back. Despite all arrogance and the spoiled, provocative behaviour with Ty, at least he could always be sure that this would end at some point because he had always refused to believe that his son could feel deeply for a boy who had no manners and a dreadful humour. Once he had said to his wife, “This boy is dangerous. There is something dark about him,” which she dismissed by calling him homophobic.
Granted he wasn’t too keen his son’s chosen lifestyle but he never meant it that way because the most important thing was the happiness of his son and if that meant that he would rather be with men, fine but this was something entirely different. This was neither a high school prank nor a disliked boyfriend like Ty. It wasn’t about firecrackers in the attic or nightly calls from girls and it wasn’t some pot smoking in Riku’s room. Kenji didn’t even know how proud his dad had been of him because even though he messed up from time to time, up until now he had always followed a goal and had worked hard to achieve the possibility to do something meaningful. Taking care of the boy and signing a contract with a well-known rich family was something the father couldn’t understand. The deeply shared bond between the two young men was something he didn’t even try to understand.
Kenji’s father had listened to his son, this suddenly strange young man telling them almost calmly, no worse almost happily that he had fallen in love with the weird blonde who steals cats. That alone wasn’t the problem, though because as weird as that seemed to both parents the part that came after that first confession sounded preposterously worse in way they had never expected.
To top their confusion Kenji decided to fill them in with everything and that left them in a stoned pose, unable to find words for a reply. It had taken his father quite awhile to pump up fatherly-strengthened energy and he had gasped, "What?’ as if he hadn’t really heard him acoustically, which he also secretly hoped. His mother, however didn’t need a second confession and interrupted him with a question every mother would ask first, “You love him?”
For a brief moment Kenji almost felt like laughing because they looked so unisonly estranged that it had a comical hint to it. It also instantly alerted his defences because he allowed himself some anger. Why does everyone always react like this? He asked himself and sighed, reducing what he had already told them from a long explanation to a simple, “Yes, I love him,” because the answer seemed to cover both of their questions.
“Are you crazy?” His father gasped out a lot harsher than even he indented but unable to add a more softened tone to his voice.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” Kenji admitted and rendered his father speechless for more than a minute. When Kenji had sat down at this table he had vowed to himself to be absolutely honest with them in every way because otherwise he’d stand no chance against reason, as sad as it sounded.
“But you want to throw your future away for him?” His father asked perplexed.
“I believe my future involves him,” Kenji diplomatically replied but flinched when his father’s fist crashed against the table, making it slightly shake under his obvious anger.
“What on earth has gotten into you? Are you on drugs?”
“No, I’m not on drugs,” Kenji hissed appalled and rolled his eyes due their typical parental behaviour. He needed their support, not these naïve routine phrases.
“No,” his father suddenly yelled and added, “No, I will not let this happen. You are going to college young man.”
“Young man?” Kenji mocked and received a deadly glare.
“You think this is amusing? You think throwing everything you worked for away is a joke?”
After that question there had been a dreadful silence because Kenji hadn’t found a witty or even defiant reply except a simple, “No, I don’t think it’s funny,” and his dad was still struggling between sounding furious or rather shocked. “And I don’t think I’m throwing everything away. Maybe, he’s all I worked for,” Kenji explained dryly and his mother blushed heavily in contrast to the ghostly white that caressed his father’s Asian features. The reddening cheeks of his mother were forced out by her utter surprise to hear her son talk like that. With his sixteen years he was talking far too seriously and she wasn’t prepared for that strange romantic hint in his eyes.
It was scaringly evident that he truly was in love and that shocked her because she seemed to have missed all the signs. Now that she was aware her mind drifted back and she shook her head because the signs had been there, clearly in front of her eyes and yet she had dismissed them. The way Kenji used to talk about Spencer alone should’ve been proof enough to notice something that went beyond friendship. At least the sudden break up with Ty and the constant working overtime, without ever complaining, in the clinic could have raised suspicion and yet they both parents would swear on their life that they hadn’t expected that.
Who was this boy? She wondered and cleared her throat, “You can’t sign this contract before you’re eighteen without our approval,” she pointed out the only power they held over him and it made her even feel slightly sick.
“Then I’ll sign it then,” was Kenji’s painfully predictable answer.
“He’s a retard,” his father suddenly snarled out because he was out of options and it was the problem he hadn’t dared bring up before, “How can you…?”
“How can I what? Love someone like him? He’s not a retard! His problems are,” Kenji paused because he wasn’t really able to find the right words. It was impossible for him to describe Spencer to them the way he saw him. Bad days, memorized poems, childhood toys… there was no way to justify that to them solely in words. “You don’t even know him so stop calling him a retard and stop acting like you know what’s best for me because all you care about is college and a career that I don’t want any longer. I know he’s best for me and despite what you are saying you can’t change that. I’m not here to ask for your blessing, Dad. I’m just telling you all of this because I’d like for you to understand me. To trust my feelings and to accept them.”
After that outburst the atmosphere thickened with reasoning, declaring, defying, accusing and misunderstanding that went on for a good two hours straight. Riku had showed up somewhere in between trying to help his little brother out by stating, that Spencer is a nice guy, earning a “You’ve known about this?”, which basically forced him to retreat with an apologetic shrug. Brotherly love had its limits, Kenji thought without holding a grudge because he might have done the same.
Then he faced them again and the whole show started again, with Kenji repeating his decision and tearing out his feelings without them understanding any of it. It was a pointless argument and when Kenji started to become aware of this he let his mind drift, barely replying anymore. By then they were more arguing with each other than yelling at him and it felt like a well deserved break. Though watching them with their heated voices and accusing stir contests as to who was responsible for that sixteen-year-old failure he felt very strongly about them. He loved them dearly and he sincerely hoped for a bit more understanding, for a chance at least since he’d never done something without their blessing in the end. Well, aside from maybe stealing a car, dating Ty and smoking pot.
He felt a sting when he noticed the familiar characteristics of their anger, like his dad bursting out into a wild curse concert in Japanese, which always drove his mom mad since she couldn’t understand a word. Her nervous drumming her fingers on the surface of the wooden table as if she would rather be somewhere else. Doing something else, she always achieved by miraculously serving them some glass of orange juice at the right moment.
“He stole a kitten!” His father pointed out with his finger pointed at the object of Spencer’s former crime. “That cat! And that cat hasn’t gotten a goddamn name yet because he can’t decide on one. It’s a cat for crying out loud!”
Those words actually hurt and Kenji angrily hissed back, “You don’t even ask for the reason behind it.”
“What reason can possibly justify that?”
“He just wanted to save that cat. Hell, he believes that nobody can own someone with a beating heart,” Kenji repeated Spencer’s words in regard to the cat, who admittingly should be called anti-social on all accounts. Aside from hiding in Riku’s car and the moments where it would be reunited with Spencer it was always mistrusting and hissing every now and then as if to show its general dislike of the family.
“He is seventeen years old, Kenji. He can’t read and he has all of these problems. I’m sorry for him, I really am because obviously it isn’t his fault but you can’t ignore that he is a sick boy. A very sick boy who comes from a messed up family. Do you have any idea what that means? Trainour is going to bind you to that young man and I’m just afraid that one day you will realize that you’ve made a mistake,” his dad reasoned, softer now but still sounding awfully wrong in Kenji’s ears.
That happened around ten minutes before 4 a.m. and it was the first time that Kenji, exhausted and helplessly flanked by both of them cried. Not loudly but quietly and even ashamedly wiped a tear away when he felt it trailing down his cheek.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m disappointing you but I love him. That’s just basically all that counts.”
“All that counts? Love is all that counts? God, Kenji why can’t you just be normal,” his dad said and regretted the wording immediately yet still too late.
“Normal?” was all Kenji asked before swallowing a wave of tears, rushing up and leaving for his room. He couldn’t bear those words or those looks any longer. He knew by then that his parents wouldn’t forbid him to see Spencer and he was sure that Trainour would wait until he was old enough to sign that goddamn contract. It wasn’t what was raising a tide of tears and forced him to gulp heavily once he reached the safety of his room, it was that they didn’t accept it. Didn’t even attempt to, he thought sadly.
A knock made him quiver and he only growled, “Go away,” sounding more like a defiant child than a determined lover.
“I’m sorry,” his father whispered partly because he loved him and partly because his wife forced him to apologize. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Then how do you mean it?”
“Why do teenagers take everything so offensively?” His father mumbled more to himself, wondering about the times where relationships were made up by parents. Painful sure, he thought, but a lot simpler as well.
“Because it was meant to offend,” Kenji pouted but didn’t dismiss his dad when he entered the room.
“No it wasn’t. Frankly I don’t care about the gender but you are in love with a sick person and I’m sorry but that worries me. The way you talk about this boy is making me feel uncomfortable because I’m worried.”
“Can’t you just be happy for me?”
“I wish I could but you are giving up so much.”
“I don’t think I’m giving anything up because none of it is important. It’s all meaningless without him and I know that sounds cheesy but it’s how I feel.”
“Everything happens for a reason,” his father said again and tenderly squeezed his shoulders, saying, “I just don’t want you to do something you might regret later.”
“But why are you so convinced that going to college and forgetting about him is something I wouldn’t regret later?”
“You don’t have that stubbornness from me,” his father suddenly claimed in a softer tone because in the end he just loved him. He might not approve, might never be able to fully accept but he couldn’t turn off the feelings he had for his son. Therefore he cleared his throat and offered, “Let’s wait with this contract until your graduation. If you still sure then we’ll accept it.”
It had been a good compromise and Kenji agreed. However something still didn’t feel right and that mostly was the complete fading out of the issue itself. Spencer was never mentioned during conversation and every time Kenji tried to bring it up both of his parents suddenly seemed occupied with everything else then him. It surprised him how badly he wished that it would be different. He found himself so often wanting to share things he experienced with Spencer.
He visited the blonde every second day and during that time in the most amazing way Spencer started to trust him completely. It was affecting him deeply to be witnessing this change and he’d desperately wished to share some of it. Yet, neither Zane nor his parents seemed at ease enough to be listening to his stories. He had started to loosely write some emotions down but it wasn’t the same since he never received feedback. Somehow it felt like even though both worlds were now aware of its other existence they willingly drifted apart now.
In the clinic they didn’t do much other than planning their future and ever since Spencer had comprehended the full spectrum of what that would mean for him, he was overwhelmed with excitement that made it unable for Kenji to resist. Whenever he was with Spencer he felt happy and when he was home or in school he felt like a ghost, like someone with a contaminating disease and even though they all tried to fake some support they all lacked the bravery to be part of it.
It was driving him slowly insane and one night at dinner he brought up the subject with a straight forward plead, “I want to invite Spencer for Thanksgiving,” followed by “Can you hand me the salad please.”
There was a pause and a silence followed by a cough. “I don’t know if that is such a good idea. Wouldn’t that agitate him too much?” It was his mom’s soft voice trying to be sensitive.
“I hate this,” Kenji suddenly whispered and then explained, “I hate that you are behaving like he doesn’t exist, like it’s just a phase. Every day I see him he does something that moves me in a way and I can never tell because you shun him and me like we have the plague.”
“Aren’t you a little too dramatic?” His father asked carefully.
“Maybe I am but can’t you give him a chance?”
*
*
When Kenji, three days later after his father gave his final approval, with the promise that they wouldn’t sleep in one room, drove to clinic with Riku to pick up Spencer. He feared that he would find the blonde once again in a wretched state and was surprised to find quite the opposite. Apparently Spencer had been driving anyone in the clinic nuts with the upcoming trip, constantly mentioning that he’d see Kenji’s house, Kenji’s room, meet Kenji’s parents and his grandfather. Kenji was all that was on the blonde’s mind and it was something that seemed slightly odd. Never before had they seen him so excited about something and so filled with hope.
Kenji arrived around 5 p.m. and Spencer was already showered, dressed and packed, ready to go. He was anxious but that only gave him an adorable glow, though he struggled with his words because he tried to push them out too hastily.
“Kenji!” He gasped out, almost stumbling in his approach for Kenji. His knees felt a bit like cotton candy and his heartbeat was already on a dangerous level but it was out of something wonderful and therefore made him smile broadly.
“Hey,” Kenji greeted him and hushed a kiss on his lips, “Are you ready?”
“I’m scared,” Spencer orated yet the smile didn’t fade, “But I’m excited too,” he added as if he needed to explain himself a bit more.
“You don’t have to be scared,” Kenji softly replied, brushing through the pile of blonde chaos with a smile.
“I know but I am but it’s not… not that bad and I’m happy as well. It’s a good day, isn’t it? This will be a good day?” The last question was spiked with some faint worry and a longing for a reassuring kiss or a tender stroke that would tell him that this in fact would be a good day. Spencer was about to leave the clinic and despite all hopes and excitement it also terrified him, though being terrified had become less difficult with Kenji on his side.
“I’m sure it will be a great day,” Kenji ultimately replied with what Spencer needed to hear. By now he knew the blonde so well and noticed all small details of emotions. He could tell when Spencer was confused or mistrusting, even before the blonde would inevitably act on that feeling. He knew exactly what to say to calm him or to make him smile and in return he received those breathtaking smiles of joy that made him feel like a stupid man blinded by love.
Kenji believed that he had prepared for everything and even told Spencer up front that he would sleep in his own room while Kenji would share a room with his brother. He had explained to him that his dad had some difficulties with their relationship and that his mom was a little confused by it. Then he had warned him about his Grandfather who sounded generally hostile towards everyone but rarely ever meant it.
Spencer was getting seemingly more nervous the closer they got to Kenji’s home. He was shifting in the seat, his eyes on the street or on his own hands because he couldn’t deal with any more images. He tried to listen to Riku and Kenji as they playfully mocked their parents but could only grasp half of it. The whole way he had hoped that they would finally arrive but when the car stopped his heart made a jump and he briefly wished himself to be tiny and could hide somewhere in the car.
“Here we are,” Riku announced with a smile and was already out.
“Are you okay?” Kenji asked, concerned because Spencer seemed reluctant to get out.
“Yes, I’m okay. I’m just a little bit nervous,” Spencer replied honestly and in carefully chosen words in order to not worry Kenji.
“I understand that,” the younger man nodded and opened the door. He walked around the car and opened the back door to offer Spencer his hand, not aware that his mom was already gazing outside the window. She noticed the tenderness that lay in Kenji’s attention towards the blonde.
Once they started walking towards the door she hastily walked to the living room, nervously brushed over her skirt and gave her husband another warning look that was supposed to say, “Give him a chance,” though, she herself was extremely cautious and almost scared of this year’s Thanksgiving. Her hand played absently with her necklace when the door opened, revealing her oldest followed by Kenji and the infamous boyfriend, a title that sounded too intimate for her taste.
Spencer entered the house carefully, almost halting in his step slightly before setting it across the border. He was hiding behind Kenji and had trouble keeping his eyes focused on Kenji’s family. His facial impression, the one he had actually rehearsed changed by the sight of the father because Kenji somehow had forgotten to mention that he was half-Asian and therefore Spencer was momentarily startled and narrowed his eyes.
“Hello Spencer,” the mom greeted him softly but he couldn’t help but staring at the dad.
“Hello,” he croaked, still confused.
Kenji’s father instantly felt uncomfortable with that stir and nervously moved a step away. “You were fast,” he pointed out, directed to Riku and still aware of the blonde’s bewildered look.
“Yeah, not much traffic around this time,” Riku answered, trying to sound casual.
“Spencer?” Kenji whispered worriedly and touched the blonde on his arm, which pulled him out of the trance-like state.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized and explained, “I didn’t know your dad is…”
“Japanese,” Kenji helped him out, mostly to avoid anything that would surely make his father angry and softly added, “I totally forgot.”
“You forgot?” His father asked and Kenji made a face because obviously that wasn’t the right thing to say.
“How hollow
Are tears upon a sleeve
In gemlets;
For mine cannot be dammed
As a surging flood!” Spencer unexpectedly said and everyone turned around.
“What was that?”
“Japanese poetry… though obviously not in Japanese because I don’t speak Japanese,” Spencer tried to explain but half way through started to worry if he had said something wrong. He was actually in awe over that new fact and to avoid a hasty outburst he started playing around with his hands.
“You know more of that?” Kenji’s father asked, eyeing the blonde suspiciously, not sure whether he should be impressed or offended. It was safe to say that he couldn’t help but watch Spencer closely.
With his oversized jacket and that excuse for a haircut he didn’t look much different than most kids. His eyes were different, though. A little more aware and seemingly cautious. He was nervous and it showed in his nervous movements. He was certainly not the type of person he pictured for his son and it estranged him to realize that Spencer soaked in confidence solely through Kenji’s presence.
“As I dozed
The man I love
Appeared, so
It is dreams that
Have begun to comfort me,” Spencer replied somewhat proudly because he had another dozen saved up in his head. Quoting poetry was something he could do without strain and it calmed him that it was evidently affecting Kenji’s father.
“That’s sad,” Kenji’s mom interrupted the men with a soft tone and Spencer looked at her for the first time. She was not Japanese, which he acknowledged as a fact without questioning it. There was something warm around her that ultimately soothed him into a wry smile.
“Most poetry is sad. Some of it is even supposed to be sad,” Spencer explained what he knew about poetry or rather what his mom told him. It was something he still believed because some things she had told him just had to be true.
“And you’ve memorized them just by listening,” she asked and broke up the awkwardness in gesturing him to come in.
“Yes, I’m very good at memorizing but I’m not autistic,” the blonde orated carefully and it sounded not agitated but comfortably casual, which made Kenji sigh in relief.
“You’re not?” she asked curiously and crossed her arms before her chest.
“Actually they are not sure but they say I do too many things that aren’t fitting the diagnosis,” Spencer answered somewhat proudly because he didn’t feel bad to talk about it.
“You must have been through many tests,” Kenji’s mom almost whispered in that soft motherly compassion that ultimately forced Spencer to brace himself to avoid drifting away into memories.
“Yes, many. Some were fun, though. Some weren’t,” he replied, quietly fighting the urge to let his eyes wander away from her.
Kenji’s father was mostly silent during this conversation but then cleared his throat by saying, “How about we forget about that and make ourselves comfortable.”
Spencer nodded gratefully and after giving Kenji another look he followed the mother carefully.
“You didn’t tell him about where we come from?” Kenji’s father asked with a growl directed at his son.
Kenji only shrug and apologized with the words, “It just didn’t cross my mind…”
He earned a disapproving curled lip and a dry reply, “I’ve never seen you taking an interest in our culture. It’s rather sad.”
With that his dad followed the blonde who was seated at the table, his mother taking away the backpack. Only Kenji noticed the very well hidden yearning when his eyes followed the luggage. Not just because of Wicket, who was stuffed inside it but also because Spencer didn’t like to lose control over his things. He didn’t protest though, but bravely forced out a, “Thank you.”
For Spencer the entire scenery was more than distracting from Wicket or his things because he had never seen such a family. By now he was more than intrigued over the Asian heritage and would love to hear more about it but dared not to ask, instead he just watched them silently. He already knew Riku but was still surprised to see how different both sons acted around their parents. There was a genuine respect for each other and they were very polite and Spencer was absolutely in joy over that. He liked the calm voices and the soft humour that never sounded hurtful.
Kenji's parents were so different from his own, which was one reason why he couldn’t help but still feel self-conscious and he couldn’t prevent himself from sliding around on his chair from time to time, sighing as if there wasn’t enough air in the room. He did that mainly to calm his heartbeat down and stop his hands from trembling.
“Do you want some juice?” Kenji’s mother asked.
She ignored that slight absent glance as if he didn’t understand her and gave him a smile.
“Yes, thank you,” Spencer croaked politely and searched for Kenji’s view.
Kenji’s dad then mentioned something about politics and Riku answered him with a nod. Spencer kept listening to them without understanding a word but being fascinated by the heated discussion that followed. Once again it was done without ever sounding mean or disrespectful, even though both men disagreed. He gathered that Kenji’s dad was unsatisfied with President Clinton’s office and Riku basically told him that it was better than the Bush administration to which Kenji’s father made a funny sound that reminded Spencer of a bear.
While they were arguing and Mrs. Miyagi put on some plates the cat, evidently alerted by the familiar scent jumped down lazily from the couch, stretched itself and walked towards the blonde, who acted automatically and pulled it up in his arms. Instantly it started to purr and rolled itself together on his lap.
“That’s amazing,” Kenji’s mother pointed out, watching as the cat peacefully dozed. “He usually isn’t that social.”
“He likes you,” Kenji himself purred a tad too tenderly for his father’s taste and gifted Spencer with a smile.
“I like him, too,” the blonde replied and pet the reddish fur attentively.
“Maybe you don’t like him enough,” Kenji said in an amused tone towards his mother, who responded with curling her lips.
“So, Spencer, tell me how do you like us so far,” his father interrupted the conversation because he felt increasingly threatened. He couldn’t explain it but Spencer seemed to have his entire family focused on him, even the goddamn cat and it bugged him that they all just saw this affection and not the problems.
The blonde was obviously surprised by the question and narrowed his eyes as if he was thinking thoroughly about his answer. Then he cocked his head to the side and said, “I don’t know you well enough to tell you that.”
This had both of his son’s hiding their smiles and himself clearing his throat, “That sounds like a very honest answer.”
“It is. I don’t lie. Well, I think I have lied sometimes but usually I don’t. And I don’t want to lie to you because you are Kenji’s dad and I don’t want to disappoint you,” Spencer explained himself further and didn’t even realize that even the older man had a faint smile on his lips. He is definitely different than Ty, he thought.
“I think it’s a little odd for us all,” he replied diplomatically but seemingly softer than before.
“I think the cat likes you as well, Mrs. Miyagi. He is just different than other cats,” Spencer said.
Kenji curled his lips slightly over his parents’ facial impression by the sudden subject change but he had told them about it before and had to admit that they did a terrific job in not showing their confusion. They were giving him a chance and Kenji was utterly grateful for that but he also was starting to feel more at ease because so far everything went perfectly.
“I guess that makes him special,” she replied and Spencer’s face beamed over her words.
“He should have a name,” the father growled, taking a little longer to adjust back on the cat.
“But I don’t know which name he would like,” Spencer said, shrugging his shoulders as if that was a subject that bothered him as well, “I don’t want to him to hate his name.”
“He’s a cat,” he orated flatly.
“I know,” Spencer replied, slightly confused over the explanation.
“Then you should give him a cat-name.”
“What is a cat-name?”
“You know, something like "Charlie’ or "Tiger’,” Riku suggested, earning a cocked eyebrow.
“Charlie is a cat-name?”
“A lot of people naming their cat’s Charlie,” Kenji tried to explain and couldn’t help but smile warily because Spencer was definitely not believing him, which always gave the blonde a soft blush of bewilderment and ultimately made Kenji’s stomach go insane with a rush of affection.
“They do? But why?”
“I think it’s because of the end vocals. I saw a documentary and they said that cat’s name should end with an "I’ or an "A’,” Kenji’s mom said while she put a bowl of pasta and gravy on the table.
“I don’t think that Charlie is the right name,” Spencer added with a serious tone in his voice, almost a little scared that they might go with Charlie after all. The name didn’t feel right and until a name would feel perfectly right he refused to name the cat.
The tense yet also bearable atmosphere suddenly was wildly interrupted by a loud knocking at the door and the all too familiar voice of Zane yelling out, “Kenji! Kenji Miyagi open the door!”
“What is Zane doing here?” Kenji’s mom asked and her voice left no doubt that she absolutely hated that kind of interruption.
“I don’t know,” Kenji hastily replied and rushed to the door. “What the hell…?”
“Kenji!” Zane gasped out loudly when he stumbled inside, almost knocking his friend out. He was followed by at least four more of Kenji’s classmates. From a distance Spencer stared at this moment with mixed feelings and a slightly raised pulse. All the boys were wearing soccer jerseys and all of their faces blushed with agitation.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kenji asked, successfully freeing himself of the embrace.
“Good evening,” Jesse Yoris greeted politely towards the parents and all the boys nodded at them. They all risked a look at Spencer, filled with curiosity.
“Hey, Spencer,” Zane said and the blonde gave him a wry smile.
“Would you start telling me what you are doing here?” Kenji asked impatiently.
“We need you!” Zane answered then haltered in his words before he took a deep breath and added, “Remember the stupid Green Tigers?”
“Yes,” Kenji replied unsurely with a suspicious glare because he had no idea why Zane was asking about the varsity soccer team from another school.
“Well, we were challenged…” Zane hissed and Kenji narrowed his eyes.
“Are you drunk?”
“No, it’s just adrenaline, dude. Anyway, the asshole formerly known as Dwight McCarthy had gotten into a fight with Billy and said that our team sucks.”
“And…?”
“He also said that the Tigers,” Zane spat the name out in disgust, “Would beat us anytime, anywhere.”
The other guys were prowling around Kenji with eager eyes and they all seemed agitated as well. For Spencer the conversation sounded like a different language and he started to wonder what it all meant. He felt a familiar drumming on his left temple because he failed to make sense of it by the word "Tigers’, though smartly figuring that it must be a sports team he couldn’t see the link.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“For several reasons my friend,” Zane started and leaned his head for in a slight bow, “For one thing you were our best player.”
“I left the team,” Kenji stated, painfully reminded of one of his sacrifices. Not that he was thinking about it too much but he had liked being on the team and was quite proud to be called their best player.
“I know but this isn’t an official game. Besides, remember the last time we played them?”
Kenji did and so did everyone in his room, even his parents. Back then one player of the rival team found out about Kenji being gay and during the game they flashed a sign with the words, "Queers like to play with balls but can’t play ball,’ which sort of backfired due the wind that had the banner folded so it mostly read, "Queers play ball’ and had everyone going insane when Kenji shot the winning goal in the 85. Minute.
“I can’t,” Kenji suddenly hushed and gazed towards Spencer, “I can’t.”
Spencer instantly lowered his eyes when he noticed the attention he caused. He didn’t know why Kenji couldn’t play the game and most certainly didn’t understand the look he had received. It only made him feel oddly guilty, which he did not like.
“I won’t accept that because we need you, Kenji,” Zane pointed out sternly and followed Kenji's eyes. Before Kenji had a chance to protest his best friend approached Spencer with a few quickly made steps and crouched down with his hands folded as if he was to pray.
“Hey, Spencer, remember me?”
“Yes,” the blonde replied shyly.
“Zane!” Kenji snapped out and growled, “What the hell are you doing?”
“Chill out Kenji, I’m just having a little talk with my friend Spencer who I need to ask for a favour.”
“What sort of favour?” Spencer asked curiously and Zane took a theatric pose and inhaled sharply as if he was about to say something incredibly important.
“Did you know that Kenji used to play soccer?”
“No, I didn’t,” Spencer answered and Kenji couldn’t help noticing the slightly hurtful tone.
“Well, he did and he was actually very good and now we need him to play. It’s not a school play but unofficial because we were challenged by some very mean people. I know that Kenji cares about you and so actually we need you to convince him to play. Do you understand that?” Zane explained and asked in a voice that inevitably made Kenji grind his teeth because he sounded so much like a kindergarten teacher.
“Why are you talking to me like I’m child?” Spencer surprisingly asked and everyone in the room smiled, amused except for Spencer who was just really wondering and felt actually offended.
“Because he’s a moron,” Logan Thomas, a tall blonde said and pushed Zane out of the way. He sort of went down on his knees like he was about to purpose and introduced himself, “Hi, I’m Logan. We haven’t met but I heard a lot about you. I want to apologize on Zane's behalf.”
“You can’t apologize on one’s behalf,” the blonde stated flatly which had Kenji lowering his eyes on the ground to hide a broad grin.
“Yeah, dude you can’t apologize on one’s behalf,” Chris, a small but lean guy yelled from the other side of the room.
“I know that,” Logan hissed back.
“Then why did you do say that?” Spencer asked, confused and Logan shrugged weakly.
“Okay, forget about that. I apologize,” Zane spat out hastily and fought with Logan for the best devoted position, “I’m sorry. Really sorry. I’m a moron and I’m sorry but please, please, please… we need Kenji for this.”
“Would you please all sit down?” Kenji's mom interrupted the boys with a sigh and they all followed her demand quickly. All but Kenji who was still standing in the middle of the living room, watching Spencer flanked by his friends because they needed to convince the blonde instead of the player himself. It amused him to see them struggling with Spencer's strange ways and he approached them slowly without saying anything.
“Would you shut up already,” Logan hissed at Zane who rolled his eyes.
“Hey, Spencer and me we’re old friends and we go way back so I’m handling this,” Zane replied firmly.
“You are acting like a moron again!”
“Shut up and get lost. Now, Spencer, this is very important for our honor.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kenji sighed and shook his head, “Would you stop being so dramatic.”
“Look who’s talking,” Kenji's dad unexpectedly said and added dryly, “Usually you are the dramatic one.”
Zane nodded intensely, his finger pointed at the older man as he said, “Yes, yes, listen to your father, Mr. Drama and that’s exactly what we need. We need more drama!”
“That is not what I said, Zane,” Kenji's father orated in disapproval and forced Zane to apologize again, which gave him a healthy reddish blush.
“I’m sorry but nonetheless it’s the truth. We need Kenji…” Zane hushed with his eyes pleading at Spencer.
“Why don’t you ask Kenji? He’s right there,” the blonde pointed out, slightly disturbed by too many people and too much confusion. He didn’t feel bad but was increasingly getting worried that it might change.
“Kenji won’t do it if you are not agreeing,” Logan replied with no idea how much that would affect Spencer.
The blonde lifted his eyes and locked them with Kenji, who shrugged and said, “What do you think?”
“I’m very confused right now,” Spencer admitted shyly and in a very strange way they suddenly seemed connected with each other regardless of the people in the room. “I don’t really know what it all means.”
The blonde brushed through his hair, a bit unbalanced and he felt unease with everyone staring at him. He didn’t even know why it was important that he had to be asked. Not really prepared by dealing with that huge part of Kenji's world he shifted uncomfortably and in a defensive gesture his eyes drifted away. He looked like as if he had forgotten where he was or what had been said to him and everyone noticed it. Only Kenji didn’t, hesitate but softly said, “Maybe I can explain it.”
He walked around table and knelt down before Spencer. Then he caressed softly over the blushing cheek and tried to explain the peculiar behavior of his friends, “You are my guest and I wouldn’t want to do something you wouldn’t approve with.”
“Why wouldn’t I approve with you playing soccer?” Spencer asked in a whisper.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to play?”
“Actually, yes. It might be fun.”
“Can I come and watch you play?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then I think you should play,” Spencer finally said but some of his words transformed into a gasp when Zane swung his arms around his shoulders from behind and kissed him at his cheek with the words, “I love you.”
Kenji only shook his head and rolled his eyes, “He’s weird,” he repeated but smiled.
“Okay, I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow around 2 p.m.,” Zane suggested with a big smile.
They all left by saying good-bye to Spencer as well and it made the blonde blush and smile proudly because he felt accepted.
*
*
While Kenji's mother used the quietness by blankly staring at the wall decoration with that shadow of a thought that she might start rearranging everything just for the sake of doing something, his father had become strangely quiet. Too quiet for Kenji's taste and he would have preferred more screaming and declaring him insane because it was something he could deal with. He had no idea how to deal with his dad sunken deep in the chair with a gloomy facial impression. Apparently the knowledge of Kenji being deeply in love had a sort of devastating affect.
Only one time before had Kenji sat down at this table for a serious discussion, which actually lasted till the next morning, meaning this one could possibly be longer. Back then he had stolen, no borrowed his brother’s car for a test drive and he later confessed to make out with Ty and basically crashed the poor Volvo into an innocent tree. Nothing serious happened but Kenji recalled his parents being furious with him. Unfortunately they weren’t even furious anymore.
Nonetheless he wasn’t too foolish to expect anything else, he was directly confronted with their bafflement. The inability to comprehend the situation was seemingly shadowed within their faces and for the first time since the car crashing incident Kenji felt that he sincerely disappointed them. It wasn’t that they shared an unusually tight bond but there always had been traces of a genuine love for each other, mostly showing in some minor ways. Sadly, they didn’t know each other all that well or maybe they had just simply drifted away from the times that Kenji would proudly tell them everything.
Everything with Kenji rushed so fast that especially Kenji's dad often felt overwhelmed. He was still struggling with Kenji's homosexuality, though not loving him any less but experienced that dreaded attention from co-workers, neighbours and friends that made him sometimes feel reduced to the father with the gay son. He was still getting used to the introductions sounding like, "This is Mr. Miyagi and his son is gay,’ always followed by that strange compassionate glare and reply, “I know someone who’s gay.”
In addition of all possible partners he had brought Ty Howes home and Kenji's father had always sincerely disliked the Howes kid. Never in his life would Kenji's father have expected that he would find himself hoping for Ty to be back. Despite all arrogance and the spoiled, provocative behaviour with Ty, at least he could always be sure that this would end at some point because he had always refused to believe that his son could feel deeply for a boy who had no manners and a dreadful humour. Once he had said to his wife, “This boy is dangerous. There is something dark about him,” which she dismissed by calling him homophobic.
Granted he wasn’t too keen his son’s chosen lifestyle but he never meant it that way because the most important thing was the happiness of his son and if that meant that he would rather be with men, fine but this was something entirely different. This was neither a high school prank nor a disliked boyfriend like Ty. It wasn’t about firecrackers in the attic or nightly calls from girls and it wasn’t some pot smoking in Riku’s room. Kenji didn’t even know how proud his dad had been of him because even though he messed up from time to time, up until now he had always followed a goal and had worked hard to achieve the possibility to do something meaningful. Taking care of the boy and signing a contract with a well-known rich family was something the father couldn’t understand. The deeply shared bond between the two young men was something he didn’t even try to understand.
Kenji’s father had listened to his son, this suddenly strange young man telling them almost calmly, no worse almost happily that he had fallen in love with the weird blonde who steals cats. That alone wasn’t the problem, though because as weird as that seemed to both parents the part that came after that first confession sounded preposterously worse in way they had never expected.
To top their confusion Kenji decided to fill them in with everything and that left them in a stoned pose, unable to find words for a reply. It had taken his father quite awhile to pump up fatherly-strengthened energy and he had gasped, "What?’ as if he hadn’t really heard him acoustically, which he also secretly hoped. His mother, however didn’t need a second confession and interrupted him with a question every mother would ask first, “You love him?”
For a brief moment Kenji almost felt like laughing because they looked so unisonly estranged that it had a comical hint to it. It also instantly alerted his defences because he allowed himself some anger. Why does everyone always react like this? He asked himself and sighed, reducing what he had already told them from a long explanation to a simple, “Yes, I love him,” because the answer seemed to cover both of their questions.
“Are you crazy?” His father gasped out a lot harsher than even he indented but unable to add a more softened tone to his voice.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” Kenji admitted and rendered his father speechless for more than a minute. When Kenji had sat down at this table he had vowed to himself to be absolutely honest with them in every way because otherwise he’d stand no chance against reason, as sad as it sounded.
“But you want to throw your future away for him?” His father asked perplexed.
“I believe my future involves him,” Kenji diplomatically replied but flinched when his father’s fist crashed against the table, making it slightly shake under his obvious anger.
“What on earth has gotten into you? Are you on drugs?”
“No, I’m not on drugs,” Kenji hissed appalled and rolled his eyes due their typical parental behaviour. He needed their support, not these naïve routine phrases.
“No,” his father suddenly yelled and added, “No, I will not let this happen. You are going to college young man.”
“Young man?” Kenji mocked and received a deadly glare.
“You think this is amusing? You think throwing everything you worked for away is a joke?”
After that question there had been a dreadful silence because Kenji hadn’t found a witty or even defiant reply except a simple, “No, I don’t think it’s funny,” and his dad was still struggling between sounding furious or rather shocked. “And I don’t think I’m throwing everything away. Maybe, he’s all I worked for,” Kenji explained dryly and his mother blushed heavily in contrast to the ghostly white that caressed his father’s Asian features. The reddening cheeks of his mother were forced out by her utter surprise to hear her son talk like that. With his sixteen years he was talking far too seriously and she wasn’t prepared for that strange romantic hint in his eyes.
It was scaringly evident that he truly was in love and that shocked her because she seemed to have missed all the signs. Now that she was aware her mind drifted back and she shook her head because the signs had been there, clearly in front of her eyes and yet she had dismissed them. The way Kenji used to talk about Spencer alone should’ve been proof enough to notice something that went beyond friendship. At least the sudden break up with Ty and the constant working overtime, without ever complaining, in the clinic could have raised suspicion and yet they both parents would swear on their life that they hadn’t expected that.
Who was this boy? She wondered and cleared her throat, “You can’t sign this contract before you’re eighteen without our approval,” she pointed out the only power they held over him and it made her even feel slightly sick.
“Then I’ll sign it then,” was Kenji’s painfully predictable answer.
“He’s a retard,” his father suddenly snarled out because he was out of options and it was the problem he hadn’t dared bring up before, “How can you…?”
“How can I what? Love someone like him? He’s not a retard! His problems are,” Kenji paused because he wasn’t really able to find the right words. It was impossible for him to describe Spencer to them the way he saw him. Bad days, memorized poems, childhood toys… there was no way to justify that to them solely in words. “You don’t even know him so stop calling him a retard and stop acting like you know what’s best for me because all you care about is college and a career that I don’t want any longer. I know he’s best for me and despite what you are saying you can’t change that. I’m not here to ask for your blessing, Dad. I’m just telling you all of this because I’d like for you to understand me. To trust my feelings and to accept them.”
After that outburst the atmosphere thickened with reasoning, declaring, defying, accusing and misunderstanding that went on for a good two hours straight. Riku had showed up somewhere in between trying to help his little brother out by stating, that Spencer is a nice guy, earning a “You’ve known about this?”, which basically forced him to retreat with an apologetic shrug. Brotherly love had its limits, Kenji thought without holding a grudge because he might have done the same.
Then he faced them again and the whole show started again, with Kenji repeating his decision and tearing out his feelings without them understanding any of it. It was a pointless argument and when Kenji started to become aware of this he let his mind drift, barely replying anymore. By then they were more arguing with each other than yelling at him and it felt like a well deserved break. Though watching them with their heated voices and accusing stir contests as to who was responsible for that sixteen-year-old failure he felt very strongly about them. He loved them dearly and he sincerely hoped for a bit more understanding, for a chance at least since he’d never done something without their blessing in the end. Well, aside from maybe stealing a car, dating Ty and smoking pot.
He felt a sting when he noticed the familiar characteristics of their anger, like his dad bursting out into a wild curse concert in Japanese, which always drove his mom mad since she couldn’t understand a word. Her nervous drumming her fingers on the surface of the wooden table as if she would rather be somewhere else. Doing something else, she always achieved by miraculously serving them some glass of orange juice at the right moment.
“He stole a kitten!” His father pointed out with his finger pointed at the object of Spencer’s former crime. “That cat! And that cat hasn’t gotten a goddamn name yet because he can’t decide on one. It’s a cat for crying out loud!”
Those words actually hurt and Kenji angrily hissed back, “You don’t even ask for the reason behind it.”
“What reason can possibly justify that?”
“He just wanted to save that cat. Hell, he believes that nobody can own someone with a beating heart,” Kenji repeated Spencer’s words in regard to the cat, who admittingly should be called anti-social on all accounts. Aside from hiding in Riku’s car and the moments where it would be reunited with Spencer it was always mistrusting and hissing every now and then as if to show its general dislike of the family.
“He is seventeen years old, Kenji. He can’t read and he has all of these problems. I’m sorry for him, I really am because obviously it isn’t his fault but you can’t ignore that he is a sick boy. A very sick boy who comes from a messed up family. Do you have any idea what that means? Trainour is going to bind you to that young man and I’m just afraid that one day you will realize that you’ve made a mistake,” his dad reasoned, softer now but still sounding awfully wrong in Kenji’s ears.
That happened around ten minutes before 4 a.m. and it was the first time that Kenji, exhausted and helplessly flanked by both of them cried. Not loudly but quietly and even ashamedly wiped a tear away when he felt it trailing down his cheek.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m disappointing you but I love him. That’s just basically all that counts.”
“All that counts? Love is all that counts? God, Kenji why can’t you just be normal,” his dad said and regretted the wording immediately yet still too late.
“Normal?” was all Kenji asked before swallowing a wave of tears, rushing up and leaving for his room. He couldn’t bear those words or those looks any longer. He knew by then that his parents wouldn’t forbid him to see Spencer and he was sure that Trainour would wait until he was old enough to sign that goddamn contract. It wasn’t what was raising a tide of tears and forced him to gulp heavily once he reached the safety of his room, it was that they didn’t accept it. Didn’t even attempt to, he thought sadly.
A knock made him quiver and he only growled, “Go away,” sounding more like a defiant child than a determined lover.
“I’m sorry,” his father whispered partly because he loved him and partly because his wife forced him to apologize. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Then how do you mean it?”
“Why do teenagers take everything so offensively?” His father mumbled more to himself, wondering about the times where relationships were made up by parents. Painful sure, he thought, but a lot simpler as well.
“Because it was meant to offend,” Kenji pouted but didn’t dismiss his dad when he entered the room.
“No it wasn’t. Frankly I don’t care about the gender but you are in love with a sick person and I’m sorry but that worries me. The way you talk about this boy is making me feel uncomfortable because I’m worried.”
“Can’t you just be happy for me?”
“I wish I could but you are giving up so much.”
“I don’t think I’m giving anything up because none of it is important. It’s all meaningless without him and I know that sounds cheesy but it’s how I feel.”
“Everything happens for a reason,” his father said again and tenderly squeezed his shoulders, saying, “I just don’t want you to do something you might regret later.”
“But why are you so convinced that going to college and forgetting about him is something I wouldn’t regret later?”
“You don’t have that stubbornness from me,” his father suddenly claimed in a softer tone because in the end he just loved him. He might not approve, might never be able to fully accept but he couldn’t turn off the feelings he had for his son. Therefore he cleared his throat and offered, “Let’s wait with this contract until your graduation. If you still sure then we’ll accept it.”
It had been a good compromise and Kenji agreed. However something still didn’t feel right and that mostly was the complete fading out of the issue itself. Spencer was never mentioned during conversation and every time Kenji tried to bring it up both of his parents suddenly seemed occupied with everything else then him. It surprised him how badly he wished that it would be different. He found himself so often wanting to share things he experienced with Spencer.
He visited the blonde every second day and during that time in the most amazing way Spencer started to trust him completely. It was affecting him deeply to be witnessing this change and he’d desperately wished to share some of it. Yet, neither Zane nor his parents seemed at ease enough to be listening to his stories. He had started to loosely write some emotions down but it wasn’t the same since he never received feedback. Somehow it felt like even though both worlds were now aware of its other existence they willingly drifted apart now.
In the clinic they didn’t do much other than planning their future and ever since Spencer had comprehended the full spectrum of what that would mean for him, he was overwhelmed with excitement that made it unable for Kenji to resist. Whenever he was with Spencer he felt happy and when he was home or in school he felt like a ghost, like someone with a contaminating disease and even though they all tried to fake some support they all lacked the bravery to be part of it.
It was driving him slowly insane and one night at dinner he brought up the subject with a straight forward plead, “I want to invite Spencer for Thanksgiving,” followed by “Can you hand me the salad please.”
There was a pause and a silence followed by a cough. “I don’t know if that is such a good idea. Wouldn’t that agitate him too much?” It was his mom’s soft voice trying to be sensitive.
“I hate this,” Kenji suddenly whispered and then explained, “I hate that you are behaving like he doesn’t exist, like it’s just a phase. Every day I see him he does something that moves me in a way and I can never tell because you shun him and me like we have the plague.”
“Aren’t you a little too dramatic?” His father asked carefully.
“Maybe I am but can’t you give him a chance?”
*
*
When Kenji, three days later after his father gave his final approval, with the promise that they wouldn’t sleep in one room, drove to clinic with Riku to pick up Spencer. He feared that he would find the blonde once again in a wretched state and was surprised to find quite the opposite. Apparently Spencer had been driving anyone in the clinic nuts with the upcoming trip, constantly mentioning that he’d see Kenji’s house, Kenji’s room, meet Kenji’s parents and his grandfather. Kenji was all that was on the blonde’s mind and it was something that seemed slightly odd. Never before had they seen him so excited about something and so filled with hope.
Kenji arrived around 5 p.m. and Spencer was already showered, dressed and packed, ready to go. He was anxious but that only gave him an adorable glow, though he struggled with his words because he tried to push them out too hastily.
“Kenji!” He gasped out, almost stumbling in his approach for Kenji. His knees felt a bit like cotton candy and his heartbeat was already on a dangerous level but it was out of something wonderful and therefore made him smile broadly.
“Hey,” Kenji greeted him and hushed a kiss on his lips, “Are you ready?”
“I’m scared,” Spencer orated yet the smile didn’t fade, “But I’m excited too,” he added as if he needed to explain himself a bit more.
“You don’t have to be scared,” Kenji softly replied, brushing through the pile of blonde chaos with a smile.
“I know but I am but it’s not… not that bad and I’m happy as well. It’s a good day, isn’t it? This will be a good day?” The last question was spiked with some faint worry and a longing for a reassuring kiss or a tender stroke that would tell him that this in fact would be a good day. Spencer was about to leave the clinic and despite all hopes and excitement it also terrified him, though being terrified had become less difficult with Kenji on his side.
“I’m sure it will be a great day,” Kenji ultimately replied with what Spencer needed to hear. By now he knew the blonde so well and noticed all small details of emotions. He could tell when Spencer was confused or mistrusting, even before the blonde would inevitably act on that feeling. He knew exactly what to say to calm him or to make him smile and in return he received those breathtaking smiles of joy that made him feel like a stupid man blinded by love.
Kenji believed that he had prepared for everything and even told Spencer up front that he would sleep in his own room while Kenji would share a room with his brother. He had explained to him that his dad had some difficulties with their relationship and that his mom was a little confused by it. Then he had warned him about his Grandfather who sounded generally hostile towards everyone but rarely ever meant it.
Spencer was getting seemingly more nervous the closer they got to Kenji’s home. He was shifting in the seat, his eyes on the street or on his own hands because he couldn’t deal with any more images. He tried to listen to Riku and Kenji as they playfully mocked their parents but could only grasp half of it. The whole way he had hoped that they would finally arrive but when the car stopped his heart made a jump and he briefly wished himself to be tiny and could hide somewhere in the car.
“Here we are,” Riku announced with a smile and was already out.
“Are you okay?” Kenji asked, concerned because Spencer seemed reluctant to get out.
“Yes, I’m okay. I’m just a little bit nervous,” Spencer replied honestly and in carefully chosen words in order to not worry Kenji.
“I understand that,” the younger man nodded and opened the door. He walked around the car and opened the back door to offer Spencer his hand, not aware that his mom was already gazing outside the window. She noticed the tenderness that lay in Kenji’s attention towards the blonde.
Once they started walking towards the door she hastily walked to the living room, nervously brushed over her skirt and gave her husband another warning look that was supposed to say, “Give him a chance,” though, she herself was extremely cautious and almost scared of this year’s Thanksgiving. Her hand played absently with her necklace when the door opened, revealing her oldest followed by Kenji and the infamous boyfriend, a title that sounded too intimate for her taste.
Spencer entered the house carefully, almost halting in his step slightly before setting it across the border. He was hiding behind Kenji and had trouble keeping his eyes focused on Kenji’s family. His facial impression, the one he had actually rehearsed changed by the sight of the father because Kenji somehow had forgotten to mention that he was half-Asian and therefore Spencer was momentarily startled and narrowed his eyes.
“Hello Spencer,” the mom greeted him softly but he couldn’t help but staring at the dad.
“Hello,” he croaked, still confused.
Kenji’s father instantly felt uncomfortable with that stir and nervously moved a step away. “You were fast,” he pointed out, directed to Riku and still aware of the blonde’s bewildered look.
“Yeah, not much traffic around this time,” Riku answered, trying to sound casual.
“Spencer?” Kenji whispered worriedly and touched the blonde on his arm, which pulled him out of the trance-like state.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized and explained, “I didn’t know your dad is…”
“Japanese,” Kenji helped him out, mostly to avoid anything that would surely make his father angry and softly added, “I totally forgot.”
“You forgot?” His father asked and Kenji made a face because obviously that wasn’t the right thing to say.
“How hollow
Are tears upon a sleeve
In gemlets;
For mine cannot be dammed
As a surging flood!” Spencer unexpectedly said and everyone turned around.
“What was that?”
“Japanese poetry… though obviously not in Japanese because I don’t speak Japanese,” Spencer tried to explain but half way through started to worry if he had said something wrong. He was actually in awe over that new fact and to avoid a hasty outburst he started playing around with his hands.
“You know more of that?” Kenji’s father asked, eyeing the blonde suspiciously, not sure whether he should be impressed or offended. It was safe to say that he couldn’t help but watch Spencer closely.
With his oversized jacket and that excuse for a haircut he didn’t look much different than most kids. His eyes were different, though. A little more aware and seemingly cautious. He was nervous and it showed in his nervous movements. He was certainly not the type of person he pictured for his son and it estranged him to realize that Spencer soaked in confidence solely through Kenji’s presence.
“As I dozed
The man I love
Appeared, so
It is dreams that
Have begun to comfort me,” Spencer replied somewhat proudly because he had another dozen saved up in his head. Quoting poetry was something he could do without strain and it calmed him that it was evidently affecting Kenji’s father.
“That’s sad,” Kenji’s mom interrupted the men with a soft tone and Spencer looked at her for the first time. She was not Japanese, which he acknowledged as a fact without questioning it. There was something warm around her that ultimately soothed him into a wry smile.
“Most poetry is sad. Some of it is even supposed to be sad,” Spencer explained what he knew about poetry or rather what his mom told him. It was something he still believed because some things she had told him just had to be true.
“And you’ve memorized them just by listening,” she asked and broke up the awkwardness in gesturing him to come in.
“Yes, I’m very good at memorizing but I’m not autistic,” the blonde orated carefully and it sounded not agitated but comfortably casual, which made Kenji sigh in relief.
“You’re not?” she asked curiously and crossed her arms before her chest.
“Actually they are not sure but they say I do too many things that aren’t fitting the diagnosis,” Spencer answered somewhat proudly because he didn’t feel bad to talk about it.
“You must have been through many tests,” Kenji’s mom almost whispered in that soft motherly compassion that ultimately forced Spencer to brace himself to avoid drifting away into memories.
“Yes, many. Some were fun, though. Some weren’t,” he replied, quietly fighting the urge to let his eyes wander away from her.
Kenji’s father was mostly silent during this conversation but then cleared his throat by saying, “How about we forget about that and make ourselves comfortable.”
Spencer nodded gratefully and after giving Kenji another look he followed the mother carefully.
“You didn’t tell him about where we come from?” Kenji’s father asked with a growl directed at his son.
Kenji only shrug and apologized with the words, “It just didn’t cross my mind…”
He earned a disapproving curled lip and a dry reply, “I’ve never seen you taking an interest in our culture. It’s rather sad.”
With that his dad followed the blonde who was seated at the table, his mother taking away the backpack. Only Kenji noticed the very well hidden yearning when his eyes followed the luggage. Not just because of Wicket, who was stuffed inside it but also because Spencer didn’t like to lose control over his things. He didn’t protest though, but bravely forced out a, “Thank you.”
For Spencer the entire scenery was more than distracting from Wicket or his things because he had never seen such a family. By now he was more than intrigued over the Asian heritage and would love to hear more about it but dared not to ask, instead he just watched them silently. He already knew Riku but was still surprised to see how different both sons acted around their parents. There was a genuine respect for each other and they were very polite and Spencer was absolutely in joy over that. He liked the calm voices and the soft humour that never sounded hurtful.
Kenji's parents were so different from his own, which was one reason why he couldn’t help but still feel self-conscious and he couldn’t prevent himself from sliding around on his chair from time to time, sighing as if there wasn’t enough air in the room. He did that mainly to calm his heartbeat down and stop his hands from trembling.
“Do you want some juice?” Kenji’s mother asked.
She ignored that slight absent glance as if he didn’t understand her and gave him a smile.
“Yes, thank you,” Spencer croaked politely and searched for Kenji’s view.
Kenji’s dad then mentioned something about politics and Riku answered him with a nod. Spencer kept listening to them without understanding a word but being fascinated by the heated discussion that followed. Once again it was done without ever sounding mean or disrespectful, even though both men disagreed. He gathered that Kenji’s dad was unsatisfied with President Clinton’s office and Riku basically told him that it was better than the Bush administration to which Kenji’s father made a funny sound that reminded Spencer of a bear.
While they were arguing and Mrs. Miyagi put on some plates the cat, evidently alerted by the familiar scent jumped down lazily from the couch, stretched itself and walked towards the blonde, who acted automatically and pulled it up in his arms. Instantly it started to purr and rolled itself together on his lap.
“That’s amazing,” Kenji’s mother pointed out, watching as the cat peacefully dozed. “He usually isn’t that social.”
“He likes you,” Kenji himself purred a tad too tenderly for his father’s taste and gifted Spencer with a smile.
“I like him, too,” the blonde replied and pet the reddish fur attentively.
“Maybe you don’t like him enough,” Kenji said in an amused tone towards his mother, who responded with curling her lips.
“So, Spencer, tell me how do you like us so far,” his father interrupted the conversation because he felt increasingly threatened. He couldn’t explain it but Spencer seemed to have his entire family focused on him, even the goddamn cat and it bugged him that they all just saw this affection and not the problems.
The blonde was obviously surprised by the question and narrowed his eyes as if he was thinking thoroughly about his answer. Then he cocked his head to the side and said, “I don’t know you well enough to tell you that.”
This had both of his son’s hiding their smiles and himself clearing his throat, “That sounds like a very honest answer.”
“It is. I don’t lie. Well, I think I have lied sometimes but usually I don’t. And I don’t want to lie to you because you are Kenji’s dad and I don’t want to disappoint you,” Spencer explained himself further and didn’t even realize that even the older man had a faint smile on his lips. He is definitely different than Ty, he thought.
“I think it’s a little odd for us all,” he replied diplomatically but seemingly softer than before.
“I think the cat likes you as well, Mrs. Miyagi. He is just different than other cats,” Spencer said.
Kenji curled his lips slightly over his parents’ facial impression by the sudden subject change but he had told them about it before and had to admit that they did a terrific job in not showing their confusion. They were giving him a chance and Kenji was utterly grateful for that but he also was starting to feel more at ease because so far everything went perfectly.
“I guess that makes him special,” she replied and Spencer’s face beamed over her words.
“He should have a name,” the father growled, taking a little longer to adjust back on the cat.
“But I don’t know which name he would like,” Spencer said, shrugging his shoulders as if that was a subject that bothered him as well, “I don’t want to him to hate his name.”
“He’s a cat,” he orated flatly.
“I know,” Spencer replied, slightly confused over the explanation.
“Then you should give him a cat-name.”
“What is a cat-name?”
“You know, something like "Charlie’ or "Tiger’,” Riku suggested, earning a cocked eyebrow.
“Charlie is a cat-name?”
“A lot of people naming their cat’s Charlie,” Kenji tried to explain and couldn’t help but smile warily because Spencer was definitely not believing him, which always gave the blonde a soft blush of bewilderment and ultimately made Kenji’s stomach go insane with a rush of affection.
“They do? But why?”
“I think it’s because of the end vocals. I saw a documentary and they said that cat’s name should end with an "I’ or an "A’,” Kenji’s mom said while she put a bowl of pasta and gravy on the table.
“I don’t think that Charlie is the right name,” Spencer added with a serious tone in his voice, almost a little scared that they might go with Charlie after all. The name didn’t feel right and until a name would feel perfectly right he refused to name the cat.
The tense yet also bearable atmosphere suddenly was wildly interrupted by a loud knocking at the door and the all too familiar voice of Zane yelling out, “Kenji! Kenji Miyagi open the door!”
“What is Zane doing here?” Kenji’s mom asked and her voice left no doubt that she absolutely hated that kind of interruption.
“I don’t know,” Kenji hastily replied and rushed to the door. “What the hell…?”
“Kenji!” Zane gasped out loudly when he stumbled inside, almost knocking his friend out. He was followed by at least four more of Kenji’s classmates. From a distance Spencer stared at this moment with mixed feelings and a slightly raised pulse. All the boys were wearing soccer jerseys and all of their faces blushed with agitation.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kenji asked, successfully freeing himself of the embrace.
“Good evening,” Jesse Yoris greeted politely towards the parents and all the boys nodded at them. They all risked a look at Spencer, filled with curiosity.
“Hey, Spencer,” Zane said and the blonde gave him a wry smile.
“Would you start telling me what you are doing here?” Kenji asked impatiently.
“We need you!” Zane answered then haltered in his words before he took a deep breath and added, “Remember the stupid Green Tigers?”
“Yes,” Kenji replied unsurely with a suspicious glare because he had no idea why Zane was asking about the varsity soccer team from another school.
“Well, we were challenged…” Zane hissed and Kenji narrowed his eyes.
“Are you drunk?”
“No, it’s just adrenaline, dude. Anyway, the asshole formerly known as Dwight McCarthy had gotten into a fight with Billy and said that our team sucks.”
“And…?”
“He also said that the Tigers,” Zane spat the name out in disgust, “Would beat us anytime, anywhere.”
The other guys were prowling around Kenji with eager eyes and they all seemed agitated as well. For Spencer the conversation sounded like a different language and he started to wonder what it all meant. He felt a familiar drumming on his left temple because he failed to make sense of it by the word "Tigers’, though smartly figuring that it must be a sports team he couldn’t see the link.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“For several reasons my friend,” Zane started and leaned his head for in a slight bow, “For one thing you were our best player.”
“I left the team,” Kenji stated, painfully reminded of one of his sacrifices. Not that he was thinking about it too much but he had liked being on the team and was quite proud to be called their best player.
“I know but this isn’t an official game. Besides, remember the last time we played them?”
Kenji did and so did everyone in his room, even his parents. Back then one player of the rival team found out about Kenji being gay and during the game they flashed a sign with the words, "Queers like to play with balls but can’t play ball,’ which sort of backfired due the wind that had the banner folded so it mostly read, "Queers play ball’ and had everyone going insane when Kenji shot the winning goal in the 85. Minute.
“I can’t,” Kenji suddenly hushed and gazed towards Spencer, “I can’t.”
Spencer instantly lowered his eyes when he noticed the attention he caused. He didn’t know why Kenji couldn’t play the game and most certainly didn’t understand the look he had received. It only made him feel oddly guilty, which he did not like.
“I won’t accept that because we need you, Kenji,” Zane pointed out sternly and followed Kenji's eyes. Before Kenji had a chance to protest his best friend approached Spencer with a few quickly made steps and crouched down with his hands folded as if he was to pray.
“Hey, Spencer, remember me?”
“Yes,” the blonde replied shyly.
“Zane!” Kenji snapped out and growled, “What the hell are you doing?”
“Chill out Kenji, I’m just having a little talk with my friend Spencer who I need to ask for a favour.”
“What sort of favour?” Spencer asked curiously and Zane took a theatric pose and inhaled sharply as if he was about to say something incredibly important.
“Did you know that Kenji used to play soccer?”
“No, I didn’t,” Spencer answered and Kenji couldn’t help noticing the slightly hurtful tone.
“Well, he did and he was actually very good and now we need him to play. It’s not a school play but unofficial because we were challenged by some very mean people. I know that Kenji cares about you and so actually we need you to convince him to play. Do you understand that?” Zane explained and asked in a voice that inevitably made Kenji grind his teeth because he sounded so much like a kindergarten teacher.
“Why are you talking to me like I’m child?” Spencer surprisingly asked and everyone in the room smiled, amused except for Spencer who was just really wondering and felt actually offended.
“Because he’s a moron,” Logan Thomas, a tall blonde said and pushed Zane out of the way. He sort of went down on his knees like he was about to purpose and introduced himself, “Hi, I’m Logan. We haven’t met but I heard a lot about you. I want to apologize on Zane's behalf.”
“You can’t apologize on one’s behalf,” the blonde stated flatly which had Kenji lowering his eyes on the ground to hide a broad grin.
“Yeah, dude you can’t apologize on one’s behalf,” Chris, a small but lean guy yelled from the other side of the room.
“I know that,” Logan hissed back.
“Then why did you do say that?” Spencer asked, confused and Logan shrugged weakly.
“Okay, forget about that. I apologize,” Zane spat out hastily and fought with Logan for the best devoted position, “I’m sorry. Really sorry. I’m a moron and I’m sorry but please, please, please… we need Kenji for this.”
“Would you please all sit down?” Kenji's mom interrupted the boys with a sigh and they all followed her demand quickly. All but Kenji who was still standing in the middle of the living room, watching Spencer flanked by his friends because they needed to convince the blonde instead of the player himself. It amused him to see them struggling with Spencer's strange ways and he approached them slowly without saying anything.
“Would you shut up already,” Logan hissed at Zane who rolled his eyes.
“Hey, Spencer and me we’re old friends and we go way back so I’m handling this,” Zane replied firmly.
“You are acting like a moron again!”
“Shut up and get lost. Now, Spencer, this is very important for our honor.”
“Jesus Christ,” Kenji sighed and shook his head, “Would you stop being so dramatic.”
“Look who’s talking,” Kenji's dad unexpectedly said and added dryly, “Usually you are the dramatic one.”
Zane nodded intensely, his finger pointed at the older man as he said, “Yes, yes, listen to your father, Mr. Drama and that’s exactly what we need. We need more drama!”
“That is not what I said, Zane,” Kenji's father orated in disapproval and forced Zane to apologize again, which gave him a healthy reddish blush.
“I’m sorry but nonetheless it’s the truth. We need Kenji…” Zane hushed with his eyes pleading at Spencer.
“Why don’t you ask Kenji? He’s right there,” the blonde pointed out, slightly disturbed by too many people and too much confusion. He didn’t feel bad but was increasingly getting worried that it might change.
“Kenji won’t do it if you are not agreeing,” Logan replied with no idea how much that would affect Spencer.
The blonde lifted his eyes and locked them with Kenji, who shrugged and said, “What do you think?”
“I’m very confused right now,” Spencer admitted shyly and in a very strange way they suddenly seemed connected with each other regardless of the people in the room. “I don’t really know what it all means.”
The blonde brushed through his hair, a bit unbalanced and he felt unease with everyone staring at him. He didn’t even know why it was important that he had to be asked. Not really prepared by dealing with that huge part of Kenji's world he shifted uncomfortably and in a defensive gesture his eyes drifted away. He looked like as if he had forgotten where he was or what had been said to him and everyone noticed it. Only Kenji didn’t, hesitate but softly said, “Maybe I can explain it.”
He walked around table and knelt down before Spencer. Then he caressed softly over the blushing cheek and tried to explain the peculiar behavior of his friends, “You are my guest and I wouldn’t want to do something you wouldn’t approve with.”
“Why wouldn’t I approve with you playing soccer?” Spencer asked in a whisper.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want to play?”
“Actually, yes. It might be fun.”
“Can I come and watch you play?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then I think you should play,” Spencer finally said but some of his words transformed into a gasp when Zane swung his arms around his shoulders from behind and kissed him at his cheek with the words, “I love you.”
Kenji only shook his head and rolled his eyes, “He’s weird,” he repeated but smiled.
“Okay, I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow around 2 p.m.,” Zane suggested with a big smile.
They all left by saying good-bye to Spencer as well and it made the blonde blush and smile proudly because he felt accepted.
*
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