(no subject)
It was Friday night before that last post that I proposed. We'd both been pretty much expecting it, and like any good man, I feel like I dorked it up and hope that it looked like a much more sweet and memorable event in her eyes.
I think I feel a little closer to her now, too. I think it's maybe that we've agreed to take this to a more permanent state, and now it's "okay" to trust that my feelings for her are appreciated on a deepest level. There was always that fear that I would screw up somehow, or fail to do something I should've, however silly such a fear is. We've always been so much more reasonable about our problems and our personal discontinuities. Her saying yes is, in an unspoken way, her reassurance that I'm an idiot still, but that she loves me for it as much as she does in spite of it. I'd always expected that everything in life is mutable, that all things are subject to the forces of chance and change, but I feel safer about being with her now. I can stop holding my breath and just enjoy it.
These days, it's money and work on my mind now. Money because we're spending a lot of it. Of the two of us, I'm the worry-wort in financial matters. I've asked for a moratorium on major spending until we are on better money legs. We need to just keep a holding pattern until some debits we're paying go away or until our income state gets better. We're shifting to a larger apartment in June, and taking on another friend as a roommate, which will help as the divided rent comes out smaller and we get some help on the bills. Things are improving, we just have to watch our steps so we don't trip up.
As for work, it's driving Danielle batty, and while my job isn't as bad as it has been in the past, we're both in agreement that we need to move up. She's trying out with our apartment manager, going to take a step towards property management, and I'm dropping off a resume with the local branch of NCR in the hopes I can get a foothold on some computer-related employment. Printing is a nice career, but it's fairly closed to those without local connections. We continue on...
In the meantime, I'm spening probably way too much time on the computer. I think, though, that once the Big Visit comes by work and leaves again, I won't feel the need for so much mental downtime. I vegde on the computer as a way to cool off and release stress, and because of crap from work, I've felt rather strung out quite a bit lately. When I finally score a nice, stable 40-hour workweek, though, I will have so much more energy and so much less stress. It's amazing how a random sleep pattern can ruin your physical and mental wellbeing.
All this writing... Lately I feel profoundly sad about something, something lost and gone. I feel like I'm missing an old beloved pet or a long-unseen friend... and while I do miss my old friends, two- and four-legged, that's not what I'm missing.
I think... maybe... that the last of my childhood has finally left me. I think the little boy I was and always kept in me has finally gathered up the last of his toys, put them in the toybox I kept in the closet, and gone away. I remain silly, I still love trivial playthings and the occasional cartoon... I used to think I would always have a little part of me that never grew up, a bit of my own Peter Pan, without all the fruity flying-around-in-tights business. I held onto it longer than anyone else I know. But I don't feel it anymore.
I guess everyone has this moment. A lot of people probably don't ever notice it, too caught up with adult things. Some notice, but don't know what it is, likely to end up with a tragic case of mid-life crisis. Maybe this little bit of mourning is healthy for me, that I have to let go and just hold on to the echoes to keep me cheerful, so I can make room for the rest of my life, for Danielle, and making a real home, and maybe building some dreams.
Or maybe I'm just a dipshit.
I think I feel a little closer to her now, too. I think it's maybe that we've agreed to take this to a more permanent state, and now it's "okay" to trust that my feelings for her are appreciated on a deepest level. There was always that fear that I would screw up somehow, or fail to do something I should've, however silly such a fear is. We've always been so much more reasonable about our problems and our personal discontinuities. Her saying yes is, in an unspoken way, her reassurance that I'm an idiot still, but that she loves me for it as much as she does in spite of it. I'd always expected that everything in life is mutable, that all things are subject to the forces of chance and change, but I feel safer about being with her now. I can stop holding my breath and just enjoy it.
These days, it's money and work on my mind now. Money because we're spending a lot of it. Of the two of us, I'm the worry-wort in financial matters. I've asked for a moratorium on major spending until we are on better money legs. We need to just keep a holding pattern until some debits we're paying go away or until our income state gets better. We're shifting to a larger apartment in June, and taking on another friend as a roommate, which will help as the divided rent comes out smaller and we get some help on the bills. Things are improving, we just have to watch our steps so we don't trip up.
As for work, it's driving Danielle batty, and while my job isn't as bad as it has been in the past, we're both in agreement that we need to move up. She's trying out with our apartment manager, going to take a step towards property management, and I'm dropping off a resume with the local branch of NCR in the hopes I can get a foothold on some computer-related employment. Printing is a nice career, but it's fairly closed to those without local connections. We continue on...
In the meantime, I'm spening probably way too much time on the computer. I think, though, that once the Big Visit comes by work and leaves again, I won't feel the need for so much mental downtime. I vegde on the computer as a way to cool off and release stress, and because of crap from work, I've felt rather strung out quite a bit lately. When I finally score a nice, stable 40-hour workweek, though, I will have so much more energy and so much less stress. It's amazing how a random sleep pattern can ruin your physical and mental wellbeing.
All this writing... Lately I feel profoundly sad about something, something lost and gone. I feel like I'm missing an old beloved pet or a long-unseen friend... and while I do miss my old friends, two- and four-legged, that's not what I'm missing.
I think... maybe... that the last of my childhood has finally left me. I think the little boy I was and always kept in me has finally gathered up the last of his toys, put them in the toybox I kept in the closet, and gone away. I remain silly, I still love trivial playthings and the occasional cartoon... I used to think I would always have a little part of me that never grew up, a bit of my own Peter Pan, without all the fruity flying-around-in-tights business. I held onto it longer than anyone else I know. But I don't feel it anymore.
I guess everyone has this moment. A lot of people probably don't ever notice it, too caught up with adult things. Some notice, but don't know what it is, likely to end up with a tragic case of mid-life crisis. Maybe this little bit of mourning is healthy for me, that I have to let go and just hold on to the echoes to keep me cheerful, so I can make room for the rest of my life, for Danielle, and making a real home, and maybe building some dreams.
Or maybe I'm just a dipshit.