The Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/21/12
Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.
Happy End of the World! It’s the last day of the Mayan Calendar, and so you won’t have another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week - won’t happen. It’s over, dude!
Aries (The Ram): No horoscope needed - world’s going to end. High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week: Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
Taurus (The Bull): Dude, the world’s going to end, no horoscope this week - or ever again.
Gemini (The Twins): Dude, it’s the end of the world as we know it. How do you feel? High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week: Rift Valley Fever.
Cancer (The Crab): You should have ordered those flowers to be delivered sooner - too late now!
Leo (The Lion): Hey, if you were planning on getting one last ride in, tonight’s the night. Don’t need to worry about leaving the gas on the stove, you know? Enjoy the end of the world! High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week: Tinea Cruris.
Virgo (The Virgin): That’s it - if you’re a virgin now, you’re going to dance with the unicorns in the next life. Not getting laid next week.
Libra (The Scale): No worries about bad things happening next week - nor good things, for that matter. You’re done. We’re all done. Buh-Bye. High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week: Rhinovirus.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): If you *were* going to have a week, it would be filled with recuperating and getting better slowly. But you’re not.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Thank you for enjoying the end of the world. Please exit through the gift shop. No week to worry about next week. High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week: Rickettsia.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): Man, why are you still reading this? World = over. Forget it.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Mother always did love you best. High-risk disease you won’t be getting this week: Shingles.
Pisces (The Fish): Those Mayans had better have been right.