The Hobbesian Horoscope, 12/14/12
Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.
On this Friday, 12/14/12, in light of the recent and tragic events in Newtown, Connecticut, I’ve decided there’s enough nastiness, brutality, and horror in the world today. This time, everybody reading this gets to have a nice week for a change. So please keep the families in Newtown in your hearts today, and read on for your own personal astrological future! Read without fear!
Aries (The Ram): You won’t believe your luck this week, when that person you’ve been glancing at finally glances back - and smiles.
Taurus (The Bull): This week, you will find something stuck to the bottom of your shoe. Disgust will cycle quickly to elation when you notice it’s a $20 bill. High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week: Parasitic Fly Larvae.
Gemini (The Twins): Like Harry Freakin’ Potter, you’re going to suffer, but you’re going to feel good about it. More to the point, you’re going to feel better afterward. A lot better!
Cancer (The Crab): The contract you put that proposal in for last month will finally be awarded to someone else - but when the protest is settled, they’ll be thrown out and you’ll be chosen! High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week: Scabies.
Leo (The Lion): You will learn great things this week, that may change the way you see the world - for the better. As a bonus, there will be beer involved!
Virgo (The Virgin): All your diseases will be in remission this week - at the same time! Enjoy your first week completely rash-free since 2007! High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week: Pasteurellosis.
Libra (The Scale): Time magazine may pass you over for Man of the Year again this week, but you’ll be widely recognized as “one cool and froody dude.”
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You will get help from friends you didn’t even know you had this week, plus from many that you did. You will learn from this, and be enriched - in your mind and in your heart. High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week: Rat-Bite Fever.
Sagittarius (The Archer): The awesomeness of your week can only be described with the following words: Naked kitten cupcakes!
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): The mandatory training in your office that you were putting off and putting off taking will be cancelled this week. Remember, hard work may pay off later, but procrastination always pays off right now. High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week: Toxoplasmosis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): For a pleasant change, your computer will actually work without that annoying buzzing noise - all week!
Pisces (The Fish): No, really, you deserve a decent week. This week, you will actually complete almost 90 percent of the things you start! High-risk disease you’ll narrowly avoid this week: Pediculosis Pubis.