Advent of Holiday Horror: Song 8
Originally published at Big Ugly Man Doll. You can comment here or there.
A few days ago, we covered the 12 Days of Greed Christmas, which sucks, but is at least a thoughtful recitation of gifts received rather than expected.
Santa Baby - you materialistic bitch. And you thought the 12 Days of Christmas was expensive? Let’s see, she wants a sable, a 54 convertible, a yacht, a platinum mine, a duplex, checks of unknown denominations, Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s, and a ring.
There’s been a 12 Days of Christmas Index for a while, tracking the cost of the 12 days of gifts. For the sake of comparison, I present to you now a Santa Baby Index:
- Sable: Russian sable is the most prized and expensive fur in the world for its silky quality, rarity, and light weight. Retail, a little sable jacket starts at about $16,000, and a top quality, silvery coat can run upwards of $150,000. You don’t think she wants the small one, do you? Me either.
- 54 Convertible: From eBay, 1954 Chevrolet Corvette Roadster, low miles, restored, light blue as specified in song, $89,900.00. And yes, you can by one for me, too. As long as we’re talking about it.
- Yacht: We’re not buying her Larry Elison’s megacruiser, here; she’s getting a nicely appointed 80-foot yacht, and it’s going to run about $3,500,000 just to get it in the water. Maintenance is her problem.
- Platinum Mine: The Stillwater platinum mine in Montana began commercial production in 2002 following an investment of $370 million. This might be the “big-ticket” present.
- Duplex: We assume she’s a New Yorker. Duplex, Laight Street, New York City, $4,995,000.
- Checks of unknown denominations: Average “money” gift from Santa, including gift cards, is estimated around $25. She specifies checks, plural, so we’ll call this $50.
- Christmas decorations from Tiffany’s: Santa key ornament in sterling silver, $225.
- Ring: We know she has a thing for platinum, and for Tiffany’s, so it makes sense that this is a platinum ring from Tiffany’s: Etoile band ring with diamonds in platinum, $2,450.
I’ve got a total of $379,546,725 that I’m supposed to get under that tree? She’d better be dating one of Bill Gates’s kids. I’ll take $24,263.18 for the Twelve Damn Days any day.
But if I’m going to make you listen to it, here’s at least a nice version with a few Hollywood starlets taking off their clothes. (Yep, that’s Elaine Hendrix, who I remember as Meredith Blake in the 1998 Parent Trap, among other things.) Maybe not worth $379 million, but it sure takes the edge off, doesn’t it?
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