Friends.... if you want to call them that.
(extremely long post behind cut) however.....
I've decided I need different friends.......
Recently I've come to the conclusion that my friends, however loyaly they may be, are not the friends I may want or need in my life at this moment in time. The friends I have have been there for me through everything. They've been there when I was sucked into the black hole we call the bitch. They have been there when I've been my happiest and most prosperous as well. HOWEVER, certain ones of my friends do not understand how to be a friend in the truest sense of the word. I'll explain.
I have this certain friend that has been a pain in my ass the whole time I've known him. He thinks he's the best at everything and it's always a competition when we're together. This can't be good for friendship when even though he loses, you can't rejoice and eveything that comes out of his mouth is something like "you have to admit, I was the most entertaining person in the restaurant, I mean come on, I was." That statement is comeplete and utter bullshit, and I told him so. My response was "I'm not gonna give you that, that's bull." Then of course our other friend was like "well who else entertained you more?" It was not the fact that someone entertained me more, but he can not say he was the most entertaining person in the restaurant. There was a table of 8-10 black people in another section that were having a blast just by themselves. Now just by him being wrong does not make me upset. What makes me upset is the fact that he constantly has to belittle everyone around him and talk himself up. That is bullshit. In the center of our group of friends is one guy who just makes up bullshit and people follow him. This leads to insecurity in people's self worth, and insecurity in who they actually are and can accomplish. One of my friends has realized the effect that this guy has caused and my friend has moved away. He says he'll never move back because he won't allow himself to be put on the backburner or to be upstaged by anyone, ever again. If he were to move back he, just like myself would not be able to stand up to this guy and who we actually are would be lost.
I thought that who I was was lost because of the bitch. That is not the case, however it is part of it. Who I am was lost because i lost the will to stand up for myself and find the people who agree with me. I find myself in a group of friends who i have little or nothing in common with except the past. I don't hold the same views and i don't hold the same likes/dislikes. Unfortunately since we don't stand up to this one guy in particular he uses phrases such as "you like this, so let's do this." This causes people to not think for themselves and just go with the flow. The uniqueness of a person is gone then, when you tell them what they like/dislike. What I think is good music, or what makes a good movie, or what makes someone a man, or what girls look for in guys will differ from his, that's what makes me different. I am not a clone, I don't have the same parents, I WAS NOT EVEN BORN IN THE SAME COUNTRY AS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What makes it so that he thinks that he can decide my future or what I need to do, where to live, where to work, what to think, etc.? There is nothing. God forbid something happen to him, but if there were an accident, and he was not in my life anymore, I will still be able to live. I will still be able to make a living, and I will still be Travis. I don't need him to tell me when to breath in and out, when to eat, when to use the toilet, when to have sex, who to have sex with, where to have a party, who to invite. I do not need him for any of this and the way that my life is going, as much as I have to thank him for the job he's provided me at this time, I really don't know if I want him in my life. We have a good time together, however I don't want to deal with the bullshit that comes along with it.
I was talking about a new set of friends earlier and this is what I mean. When I was in high school, there were two groups of people that I associated with, that I considered my friends, one of the groups was the group from church. They were nice, loving, good people. We took mission trips to other countries and to impoverished areas of this one and they tried to help me mature and stay straight. The other group of friends I had was the group from the school and in my drama club and chorus. We always had a blast doing crazy things, going to the mall and taking pictures of crazy stuff in the stores, driving around being nuts, watching movies together once a week, throwing surprise birthday parties for each other, and so much more. Those times were some of the best times I've ever had.
When I went to church it was more of a social thing, I think as I look back now, rather than being there because of my beliefs. It was somewhere that people accepted me for who I was and I grew in the church in ways impossible with the other group that I hung out with. During this time I was confused because it was during the age of 15-20, a very confusing time for a male. I was searching for a mate, I was searching for independence, and I was searching for acceptance. I found independence and acceptance. I did not find a mate till later, and the bitch ruined me for a while, but now I'm working things out with myself and have come a long way. The teachings and morals of the church coincided on how I live, but there are some statutes that I am not able to abide by. The main one, and one that the majority of the world has a problem with is Abstinance before marraige. However righteous, however just, however admirable it is to stay a virgin till marraige, I cannot. Sex and sexual health are very important to me and the fact that you must be sexually compatable to your partner, is a belief of mine. However, premarital sex is taboo in the church, and living in the bible belt is almost as taboo outside of it. I have often dreamt of having an apt in a city where i can look over buildings through a window and then move to the bed where my lover is and continue or start something. To be on my own in the world, to be a sexual being and be in the dating world. This was frowned upon by the church and for a long time I felt guilty about having such desires. I now realize all I want to be is a human male living in the United States. I am a human being, an animal. With desires, physically, mentally, chemically. This is ecological, this is nature. When I broke this bond with purity, I lost my place in the church. This happened after I was out of high school as well, and at the time there was no college program so you went from high school to teaching, or to adult church. I was not ready for that either so I left the church and cut more ties.
The other group of friends that I had from school was a group that wasn't overly concerned with religion or following the statute set by the bible. This is not to say that they weren't good people, just not bible thumpers. I had a blast with these friends, we did crazy things, fun things and always had a good time together. Along with the good times there was always drama, though. Not to mention that since it was the drama crowd from school, there was always more drama, as it seemed to follow us. in this crowd i found many different types of people. People that were awesome and sweet to people who were malicious and spiteful. People who liked darker, more alternative music, to people who liked classical and played in the band. The people who i hung out with, I partied with for 5 days straight after graduation. That means I didn't go home for 5 days. that was one week I will never forget. however, at the end of the summer that followed, I lost all of those friends. That was completely bullshit as well. There were two factions in that group of friends and they were opposite and fought and I was in the middle. I did not take sides and it was completely bullshit drama. Both sides put me on the other sides since I didn't choose one or the other. I stayed loyal to each side but was used as a pawn. Each side used me to gather information about the other and then they both self destructed at one of our breakfast groupings while I decided not to be there when it got out of hand. Then everyone moved out of state or away for school and that was that.
Throughout the whole time, I always looked for a female to be with. Many times I went out with a girl and nothing was there, either she was way tooo slutty, to stupid, or just wasn't interested because I made a fool out of myself. Some people set me up on dates with their friends and that didn't work out. Some people I found on the internet, and then there was the bitch. I found her on the internet. She sucked what was left that wasn't lost when I lost my friends and tore it up, spit it out and left it for dead. She used me and abused me and then when she found someone who gave her one thing I couldn't, she left. then figured out that I gave her everything she needed, she came back, till the cycle started again. It broke me and made me feel like I wasn't worth anything, that all I could do is be with her. That all I was worth was her. This was compounded by the fact that I lost my virginity to her and that I still felt that I needed to be with her forever because of that. I was soo mistaken and have realized it since then.
When you take all these factors into consideration along with the one friend you have stayed close to through everyrhing, you have a complete loss of self confidence. So I started making advancements in my position financially. At the same time I started working on my mental aspect and I had a couple one night stands and then went out with one girl that I thought was gorgeous, then we made out forever and it built my self confidence up so high since I was able to go out with her and get play on the first date. I also was hanging out with another crowd of people who were not from the church or people who did not talk down to me like some people do. These friends all accepted me how I was and truly enjoyed seeing me when I was with them. They never made me feel unwelcome and always listened to what I had to say instead of telling me what I was saying was completely wrong. I was able to help people and no one was better than anyone else, all we did was have fun together. Some were gay and we hung out with their friends. Others straight and interesting, others bandmembers and musicians. everyone letting everyone do their own thing, but with mutual respect and just enjoying each other's company. Being a part of this and talking with people who have the same likes as myself has been a very enlightening time for me.
I had the party this past weekend. At the party was the bartender, as much as I enjoyed looking at her, she also shared many interests with me, such as music, she doesn't smoke, she likes music and events, etc. She made me realized there ARE people out there that are like me and do like what I do. The music I listen to is alright to listen to. There is musical quality even if my friends don't like it. I can choose who I want to be with and who I want to spend time with. It is My life and My happiness and they have no right to tell me how to do things or what will make me happy.
This is why i believe I need a new set of friends. A set of friends that will be there to have fun with. A set of friends that enjoys the same things I do. Things that I truly enjoy doing instead of me acting that I do to please them. I believe that people I meet at bars that I like to go to instead of ones that my friends like to go to would be people that would fit this new crowd. Even if they are not, I have to try to find the group that I actually fit in. This is the only way I see that I can be happy. Wish me luck....
I've decided I need different friends.......
Recently I've come to the conclusion that my friends, however loyaly they may be, are not the friends I may want or need in my life at this moment in time. The friends I have have been there for me through everything. They've been there when I was sucked into the black hole we call the bitch. They have been there when I've been my happiest and most prosperous as well. HOWEVER, certain ones of my friends do not understand how to be a friend in the truest sense of the word. I'll explain.
I have this certain friend that has been a pain in my ass the whole time I've known him. He thinks he's the best at everything and it's always a competition when we're together. This can't be good for friendship when even though he loses, you can't rejoice and eveything that comes out of his mouth is something like "you have to admit, I was the most entertaining person in the restaurant, I mean come on, I was." That statement is comeplete and utter bullshit, and I told him so. My response was "I'm not gonna give you that, that's bull." Then of course our other friend was like "well who else entertained you more?" It was not the fact that someone entertained me more, but he can not say he was the most entertaining person in the restaurant. There was a table of 8-10 black people in another section that were having a blast just by themselves. Now just by him being wrong does not make me upset. What makes me upset is the fact that he constantly has to belittle everyone around him and talk himself up. That is bullshit. In the center of our group of friends is one guy who just makes up bullshit and people follow him. This leads to insecurity in people's self worth, and insecurity in who they actually are and can accomplish. One of my friends has realized the effect that this guy has caused and my friend has moved away. He says he'll never move back because he won't allow himself to be put on the backburner or to be upstaged by anyone, ever again. If he were to move back he, just like myself would not be able to stand up to this guy and who we actually are would be lost.
I thought that who I was was lost because of the bitch. That is not the case, however it is part of it. Who I am was lost because i lost the will to stand up for myself and find the people who agree with me. I find myself in a group of friends who i have little or nothing in common with except the past. I don't hold the same views and i don't hold the same likes/dislikes. Unfortunately since we don't stand up to this one guy in particular he uses phrases such as "you like this, so let's do this." This causes people to not think for themselves and just go with the flow. The uniqueness of a person is gone then, when you tell them what they like/dislike. What I think is good music, or what makes a good movie, or what makes someone a man, or what girls look for in guys will differ from his, that's what makes me different. I am not a clone, I don't have the same parents, I WAS NOT EVEN BORN IN THE SAME COUNTRY AS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What makes it so that he thinks that he can decide my future or what I need to do, where to live, where to work, what to think, etc.? There is nothing. God forbid something happen to him, but if there were an accident, and he was not in my life anymore, I will still be able to live. I will still be able to make a living, and I will still be Travis. I don't need him to tell me when to breath in and out, when to eat, when to use the toilet, when to have sex, who to have sex with, where to have a party, who to invite. I do not need him for any of this and the way that my life is going, as much as I have to thank him for the job he's provided me at this time, I really don't know if I want him in my life. We have a good time together, however I don't want to deal with the bullshit that comes along with it.
I was talking about a new set of friends earlier and this is what I mean. When I was in high school, there were two groups of people that I associated with, that I considered my friends, one of the groups was the group from church. They were nice, loving, good people. We took mission trips to other countries and to impoverished areas of this one and they tried to help me mature and stay straight. The other group of friends I had was the group from the school and in my drama club and chorus. We always had a blast doing crazy things, going to the mall and taking pictures of crazy stuff in the stores, driving around being nuts, watching movies together once a week, throwing surprise birthday parties for each other, and so much more. Those times were some of the best times I've ever had.
When I went to church it was more of a social thing, I think as I look back now, rather than being there because of my beliefs. It was somewhere that people accepted me for who I was and I grew in the church in ways impossible with the other group that I hung out with. During this time I was confused because it was during the age of 15-20, a very confusing time for a male. I was searching for a mate, I was searching for independence, and I was searching for acceptance. I found independence and acceptance. I did not find a mate till later, and the bitch ruined me for a while, but now I'm working things out with myself and have come a long way. The teachings and morals of the church coincided on how I live, but there are some statutes that I am not able to abide by. The main one, and one that the majority of the world has a problem with is Abstinance before marraige. However righteous, however just, however admirable it is to stay a virgin till marraige, I cannot. Sex and sexual health are very important to me and the fact that you must be sexually compatable to your partner, is a belief of mine. However, premarital sex is taboo in the church, and living in the bible belt is almost as taboo outside of it. I have often dreamt of having an apt in a city where i can look over buildings through a window and then move to the bed where my lover is and continue or start something. To be on my own in the world, to be a sexual being and be in the dating world. This was frowned upon by the church and for a long time I felt guilty about having such desires. I now realize all I want to be is a human male living in the United States. I am a human being, an animal. With desires, physically, mentally, chemically. This is ecological, this is nature. When I broke this bond with purity, I lost my place in the church. This happened after I was out of high school as well, and at the time there was no college program so you went from high school to teaching, or to adult church. I was not ready for that either so I left the church and cut more ties.
The other group of friends that I had from school was a group that wasn't overly concerned with religion or following the statute set by the bible. This is not to say that they weren't good people, just not bible thumpers. I had a blast with these friends, we did crazy things, fun things and always had a good time together. Along with the good times there was always drama, though. Not to mention that since it was the drama crowd from school, there was always more drama, as it seemed to follow us. in this crowd i found many different types of people. People that were awesome and sweet to people who were malicious and spiteful. People who liked darker, more alternative music, to people who liked classical and played in the band. The people who i hung out with, I partied with for 5 days straight after graduation. That means I didn't go home for 5 days. that was one week I will never forget. however, at the end of the summer that followed, I lost all of those friends. That was completely bullshit as well. There were two factions in that group of friends and they were opposite and fought and I was in the middle. I did not take sides and it was completely bullshit drama. Both sides put me on the other sides since I didn't choose one or the other. I stayed loyal to each side but was used as a pawn. Each side used me to gather information about the other and then they both self destructed at one of our breakfast groupings while I decided not to be there when it got out of hand. Then everyone moved out of state or away for school and that was that.
Throughout the whole time, I always looked for a female to be with. Many times I went out with a girl and nothing was there, either she was way tooo slutty, to stupid, or just wasn't interested because I made a fool out of myself. Some people set me up on dates with their friends and that didn't work out. Some people I found on the internet, and then there was the bitch. I found her on the internet. She sucked what was left that wasn't lost when I lost my friends and tore it up, spit it out and left it for dead. She used me and abused me and then when she found someone who gave her one thing I couldn't, she left. then figured out that I gave her everything she needed, she came back, till the cycle started again. It broke me and made me feel like I wasn't worth anything, that all I could do is be with her. That all I was worth was her. This was compounded by the fact that I lost my virginity to her and that I still felt that I needed to be with her forever because of that. I was soo mistaken and have realized it since then.
When you take all these factors into consideration along with the one friend you have stayed close to through everyrhing, you have a complete loss of self confidence. So I started making advancements in my position financially. At the same time I started working on my mental aspect and I had a couple one night stands and then went out with one girl that I thought was gorgeous, then we made out forever and it built my self confidence up so high since I was able to go out with her and get play on the first date. I also was hanging out with another crowd of people who were not from the church or people who did not talk down to me like some people do. These friends all accepted me how I was and truly enjoyed seeing me when I was with them. They never made me feel unwelcome and always listened to what I had to say instead of telling me what I was saying was completely wrong. I was able to help people and no one was better than anyone else, all we did was have fun together. Some were gay and we hung out with their friends. Others straight and interesting, others bandmembers and musicians. everyone letting everyone do their own thing, but with mutual respect and just enjoying each other's company. Being a part of this and talking with people who have the same likes as myself has been a very enlightening time for me.
I had the party this past weekend. At the party was the bartender, as much as I enjoyed looking at her, she also shared many interests with me, such as music, she doesn't smoke, she likes music and events, etc. She made me realized there ARE people out there that are like me and do like what I do. The music I listen to is alright to listen to. There is musical quality even if my friends don't like it. I can choose who I want to be with and who I want to spend time with. It is My life and My happiness and they have no right to tell me how to do things or what will make me happy.
This is why i believe I need a new set of friends. A set of friends that will be there to have fun with. A set of friends that enjoys the same things I do. Things that I truly enjoy doing instead of me acting that I do to please them. I believe that people I meet at bars that I like to go to instead of ones that my friends like to go to would be people that would fit this new crowd. Even if they are not, I have to try to find the group that I actually fit in. This is the only way I see that I can be happy. Wish me luck....