What am I doing? (revisited)
Even this much color is a lot to handle right now!
Originally uploaded by BigSockTrampOver and over again. That's what today is about. What the hell am I doing? What am I committed to? A lot. But the real question is, what am I committed to enough to do it even when I don't wanna do it so's I can put food on the table for the rest of my life? I guess that's kinda over dramatic, but that's the mood of the day. Take it all to extreeeemes. Anywhooo.... Since no one can afford to keep me on retainer as a cat worshipper, shoulder to cry on, and occasional maker of nice things to look at, what do I do? I'm having trouble fitting my understanding of what I'm good at and what I love into a concrete and practical reality. So that's what school is for, rightt? Only I can't start school yet. Gotta apply. And in the meantime, what? And is the school I have been thinking on the right thing anyway? Whoa there. Sigh. The dream remains the same: Healer and artist with a homestead, all situated within a community of people I love who support me and I support them. I heal folks by teaching them to connect back with their bodies and their creativity because those are the things that have most helped me. So, here's the deal. This is what I'm on the verge of maybe committing to: Do my all on grad school applications (and associated hoohaw like fin aid) until January. Then go to Florida for massage school for six months. Then spend a couple months regrouping and go to grad school in expressive arts therapy (or somatic therapy?) at CIIS or ASU. It seems quite foolish in some ways. Move cross country only to move again in a few months.... school and then school... But I really need to be in training. Already. Now. Damnit. Unless something happens to give me something I can commit to here, I think I may have to join Tuesday's cult. There aren't many truly attractive cults out there. Most lose their shine after a few washings. Why not choose one that my bro stands by even after he has moved on to a path other than the one the cult promised to prepare him for? It can only make me a better healer. And the ass kicking massage I had from another FSM alum on Tuesday only serves to underline that fact. Before that massage I thought massage didn't work for me. Now I would consider having it be the only treatment I get, but only if I could get it from a therapist like *that*. I want to be able to get paid for doing that to people without being accused of impropriety!! Because, really, the best job I've ever had was as a domme. And the best part of it was taking people apart and putting them back together again in ways that we both enjoyed. I got to use all my creativity and my body and my mind. If only I could have received more respect for my skills and less admiration for my genetic attributes. Remove the sexism and sex negativism, and I would've done just fine. Now that's all gonna be there no matter what, of course. I think I'd like to step back from confronting it head on as part of my livelihood for now. Give my cock a rest from having to compensate for so much negative energy. And also important: massage school would be very healing for me. And I need to do a lot of healing before I can dedicate myself to a path of healing anyone else.
So.... I think that's where I'll leave it for now. It's time to go out into the world again, I think. Or at least time to not be using the computer.