chris
well as some of of you know and others dont christopher timothy davidson passed away a few weeks ago. i havent been able to really talk about it hence me not writing in here. well yesterday i went to this memorial thing at his church and it was kinda of hard to do. people where there that i knew they had known him. some he had had feelings for and others he probably couldnt stand. well me and brian were there and chris's g/f victoria as well. well we were all sitting there and then some how me and brian started to remember some funny things about chris and the victoria got in on the action and recalled when chris had worn her red silk thong. haha yeah thats a funny story i freakin love it. well the thing experience was a good one but yet it was really had. it just made me miss him all the much more. ok well his funeral was last month and it was really hard. ive heard the saying you dont know what you have until its gone and that is so true. i mean ive known what its like to date someone one and then have them leave. but ive only come to realise the value of life. i mean never before had i really been old enough to understand the whole death process. ill admit when my grandma passed away i was really sad and i missed her and i still do. but i wasnt really old enough to understand the whole thing and only now. only this year have i come to really understand how serious life and death really are. when luke passed away it stuck me by surprise and it ate me alive. but when chris passed away it was different. i hadnt really talked to him that much during high school i mean when summer came around me always started to talk more and to hang out. but this year we both were so busy. when i was over there me and him would talk. id make him come out of his room and sit in the living room with me and kick it. brians birthday was on the 2nd and it was so strange over there celebrating and not having chris sit on the couch and making him get up to sing and he would never really sing he would just say the words. but i mean it was custom it was so strang to just have everybody get up and then have us go and sing everything ran so smoothly. well n e who sali and ray seem to be doing a whole lot better from the whole thing. i know its still eatting them alive inside and tim davidson isnt helping at all. he keeps talking and saying things that arent true. at the funeral he was "recalling" a story about when he was so called there for chris. but when chris was there how could he be there when he was in jail or in rehab. WHAT THE FUCK why do you have to life about something. everybody knows he was a bad father so why does he have to lie hes not going to fool anyone. maybe he just needs to fool himself. ok well i cant really talk about chris right now it still hurts its still so fresh.
things with me and ANGELOS arent that good. things were starting to go really good and then his mom fucked them up. w0w what a big surprise. i cant believe she cant just get a life and let him grow up on his own. i know hes 20 almost 21 but hes still like 18 or 19 his mother hasnt let him go. she hasnt let him grow up and learn how to survive in the real world. i mean he can take care of himself. but hesnt not that smart hes not street smart. he says he is and i know he knows a lot. hes a lot smarter then me in a lot of ways. but idk its hard to explain. its hard to get out what im trying to say and i know that this is worded wrong. but i understand what it says and thats all that matters. well last night me and ANGELOS hung out and we were going to watcha movie but we didnt. we went to the block but we were suppose to go to the spectrum. so when we finally got to the spectrum i was tried and upset because he kept telling me that i was being retarded. he kept saying all thess mean things about everything i was going so i was really pissy. well we started to walk and he made fun of my tan and i said if it turns out really bad then im going to cut off my face for prom. then he started to yell and me and told me never to fucking say that shit again. then i hit him but i didnt even hit him hard hes just took it up the butt. then he put his hard around the back of my neck and started to squeeze. normally that wouldnt of bothered me but i had a really bad head ache and it started to hurt like 10 times worse then it normally would. so i told him to stop and i started to walk so he grabbed my arm and was holding it really tight and i told him to let me go and he started to twist my arm. it was really hurting so i told him to let me go and i was serious. so he did and i started to walk again and then he started to test me. he was testing to see if i would walk back to him. FUCK THAT SHIT!!! dont test me im so fucking stubborn. he kept telling me to come back and then he said that if he left that was it hed be gone forever. so that pissed me off and i was all fine then! if thats how you want it then fine. and i started to walk away again then he screamed my name and i said fine lets meet half way. so we did and then he started to lecture me. thats all that he ever seems to do these days. i feel like i will never amount to anything. nothing i can do will never be good enough. well he left and i tried to talk to him in the car and he told me that when i talk i just make things worse so i just stopped talking. he dropped me off and i waited for him to give me a signal and he didnt so i just left. with out a word. when i got inside i swore to myself that i wouldnt call him first. and i didnt he called me in a few minutes and the first thing he asked was is this it? is this it? so i asked if he wanted this to be it and he said no so i said no. well i didnt want to talk to make things worse so i just sat there. well some how i got out and walked over to him and we talked and then i put my hand on his back and he didnt react so i moved it away. well by the end of the night the whole thing was bothering me so i just started to cry. i got out of his car and just sat on my porch for about half an hour. the whole experiece was pretty lame and very avoidable. but he didnt avoid it. we never seem to avoid the things that should be avoided. ok well yeah
-HeArT eRyHn-
things with me and ANGELOS arent that good. things were starting to go really good and then his mom fucked them up. w0w what a big surprise. i cant believe she cant just get a life and let him grow up on his own. i know hes 20 almost 21 but hes still like 18 or 19 his mother hasnt let him go. she hasnt let him grow up and learn how to survive in the real world. i mean he can take care of himself. but hesnt not that smart hes not street smart. he says he is and i know he knows a lot. hes a lot smarter then me in a lot of ways. but idk its hard to explain. its hard to get out what im trying to say and i know that this is worded wrong. but i understand what it says and thats all that matters. well last night me and ANGELOS hung out and we were going to watcha movie but we didnt. we went to the block but we were suppose to go to the spectrum. so when we finally got to the spectrum i was tried and upset because he kept telling me that i was being retarded. he kept saying all thess mean things about everything i was going so i was really pissy. well we started to walk and he made fun of my tan and i said if it turns out really bad then im going to cut off my face for prom. then he started to yell and me and told me never to fucking say that shit again. then i hit him but i didnt even hit him hard hes just took it up the butt. then he put his hard around the back of my neck and started to squeeze. normally that wouldnt of bothered me but i had a really bad head ache and it started to hurt like 10 times worse then it normally would. so i told him to stop and i started to walk so he grabbed my arm and was holding it really tight and i told him to let me go and he started to twist my arm. it was really hurting so i told him to let me go and i was serious. so he did and i started to walk again and then he started to test me. he was testing to see if i would walk back to him. FUCK THAT SHIT!!! dont test me im so fucking stubborn. he kept telling me to come back and then he said that if he left that was it hed be gone forever. so that pissed me off and i was all fine then! if thats how you want it then fine. and i started to walk away again then he screamed my name and i said fine lets meet half way. so we did and then he started to lecture me. thats all that he ever seems to do these days. i feel like i will never amount to anything. nothing i can do will never be good enough. well he left and i tried to talk to him in the car and he told me that when i talk i just make things worse so i just stopped talking. he dropped me off and i waited for him to give me a signal and he didnt so i just left. with out a word. when i got inside i swore to myself that i wouldnt call him first. and i didnt he called me in a few minutes and the first thing he asked was is this it? is this it? so i asked if he wanted this to be it and he said no so i said no. well i didnt want to talk to make things worse so i just sat there. well some how i got out and walked over to him and we talked and then i put my hand on his back and he didnt react so i moved it away. well by the end of the night the whole thing was bothering me so i just started to cry. i got out of his car and just sat on my porch for about half an hour. the whole experiece was pretty lame and very avoidable. but he didnt avoid it. we never seem to avoid the things that should be avoided. ok well yeah
-HeArT eRyHn-