Rejected
Sigh......feeling rejected has to be one of the worst feelings i've had in a while. To lay everything out all on one hand only to lose is devastating. Such is the reality of the situation though. I took a chance to get back what I want and I got rejected. I can't hide from that anymore. You cannot go through life living in a fantasy land thinking that people feel a way they don't, and if I was doing that I got broken from it tonight. I guess i'm just not what she wants out of life. Sure we have our fights but who doesn't. The important part to me at least is that when it's all said and done she really does make me happy, I can still look her in the eyes and be content with the world. She chooses to go it alone though, maybe seeking true happiness, I don't know. All I know is that for the forseeable future, parties, drinking, smoking, clubbing, flirting, and spring break is all she really wants to do with herself. I feel like i'm nothing more than break time from that, someone she can turn to and cuddle with when it's time to rest or someone she can feel loved by and appreciated in between one or several of the things I listed. I can't say I feel used because i'm still always there, but I kind of expected the response I got. However it's still dissapointing and I still feel rejected. I made a serious push to try and regain what i've sought after for so long and I was denied. I'm not going to lie and say oh well and move on, it hurts, it really does. It hurts where no one will see, it hurts inside, where the bruises left behind don't go away, in the tears i'll cry that'll never show. You can't rub icey hot or neosporin on this kind of pain. A hot pad, or ice pack won't numb it or relax it away. You have to just suck it up and hopefully come away stronger and be able to say you learned something. I'm always made out to be this big football jock that's cocky and thinks the world can't phase me, if all of you who like to stereotype could see me now. That's the point though, you won't, you can't. I just want to run away and hide from it all, but i'm stronger than that. The thought is tempting though, finish school and just vanish into the night, never to be seen again. Pick up what pieces are left and move away, making sure to always cherish the memories. I really believe that one of the only things keeping me here is the gratification of truly believing in my heart that so many more memories to cherish are still to come. Either way many more memories are to come, but will they be with her? I want them to be, which seems to be quite the leap of faith anymore, but as I grow older and more mature my experiences in life tell me to only take it for what it is. My problem is I might be taking this the wrong way period. Maybe I need to activly pursue other people still, maybe someone else will make me happier? I think i'm just blinded by the thoughts of how happy she does make me and how badly I want her to really be in my life. This may be a place where i'm a chicken shit and scared to face the world and look for someone else? I wish I knew, but as usual I don't. There was just so much there, and it was gone so suddenly when I still felt I had so much more to share with her. So i'll continue on, regroup, and keep chugging along. Maybe somewhere down the road i'll work up enough courage to try and make a move again, maybe someone else will bestow upon me and i'll find true happiness elsewhere? I know what I want, but will I ever get it is the question hanging in the balance, or will someone else bring visions of a brighter future? We shall see.