life sucks.. and then you die.. so what the fuck. no really.. what the fuck??

[biggdaddykai]

Why is it the things we care about most in life, are not only the hardest to get, but the hardest to hold on to. Once upon a time, i believed that I didnt deserve to be loved. I had many reasons for coming to this conclusion. Then something changed.. I changed.. or so I thought. I had found something, something worth fighting for, something worth loving, something I cared about. And for a while it made me think that maybe I had been wrong.. that maybe i really did deserve to be loved. I worked my way past all my insecurities and into the arms of this person that I loved. For once in my life i felt complete.. that i was worth something... and my life had meaning. It was very short-lived. I dont really know if I did something wrong, or DIDNT do something right, or maybe its just that I was right in the first place.. all I know is im back at that point again. I dont feel loved, I am confused, and I am dead inside. I no longer have that protective shell that I hid behind for so many years.. Im too old to run and hide like when I was a child. What am I supposed to do now? I used to be too young and naive to be afraid of anything.. but now I know what is to be feared the most.. love. It can both build you up and tear you down in an instant. The worst part is.. I dont think she will ever know how much she really means to me.. or how much I love her.

fuckin fuck.. i dont feel like writing anymore..