Love stinks yea yea....
I mentioned in the last entry I've been watching School Rumble. It's a comedy anime about kids in high school with crushes on each other, but they'er too shy to ask each other out so they think up all sorts of wild schemes to hook up, and wierd shit happens.
It's painful to watch though. I think part of it is because I know how they feel, I was too shy in high school. Also, it's because back in high school (and even now dammit!), I barely knew any women. 90% of my friends were male and the few women I did know were taken. It's kinda like that now.
I think about my high school years and wish I would have had more girls as friends, and more chances for romance, but it wasn't so. The times I did get into good friendships with nice girls, they either moved away or turned out to be hardcore religious.
However....
I do remember being asked out a few times. The first one, she asked me out to a dance and I said "sure whatever", and we went, and she never talked to me afterwards even though we rode the bus together. Damn. The other ones, I declined. In one case I wanted nothing to do with her anyway because she was a loud-mouthed attention whore. The other ones I never talked to anyway and felt I had nothing in common. In any case, I would have no idea what to do after someone asks me out. When do you start kissing? What do you do on a date? Where do you go?
I was looking around at the girls who I work with at work, since 90$% of the wait staff is young and female, and although they're all pretty and kind and nice, I started realizing that the reason I was afraid to ask people out, the reason I rejected the girls who did ask me out, is because I was afraid.
Afraid that they thought I was a dork, because I was teased most of my time in grade school for being nerdy and retarded looking. Afraid that they might be sweet to me, but scared away by my stack of anime at home, or my star trek tapes, or reject me because of my beer belly. I was afraid of rejection. I was unwilling to date any girl unless I was sure we shared similar interests.
That's my problem. I want to fall in love with someone who's into the things I am, or at least accepting of them enough that she looks past that and loves me for who I am.
I'm starting to think I need to widen my scopes. If a girl asks me out I shouldn't worry if she's interested in anime or scifi or not. If she doesn't and the relationship doesn't work out, it's a learning experience. If she makes fun of me, fuck it (and maybe that's an excuse to bitchslap her). If I become close to a girl I should just be friendly and hope that she likes me for who I am.
It's hard though. I do not hate who I am. I do not hate being nerdy, I love it. I do things because they're what bring me pleasure. But I hate that nerdyness has such a fucking stigmata in modern culture, much as being overweight has a stigmata (health-wise maybe, beauty-wise wtf?). A lot of it is of course the media's fault, nerds are punchlines in pop culture. You may be smart but you're not sexy enough or good enough.
To hell with it all. Much like I said about boy bands and their fans, you should be fangirling over someone because you're compatable and you love them.
Gah. Enough of this relationship wangst. It sucks being single sometimes. I need alcohol and something to take my mind of this crap. Is it March 6th yet?
It's painful to watch though. I think part of it is because I know how they feel, I was too shy in high school. Also, it's because back in high school (and even now dammit!), I barely knew any women. 90% of my friends were male and the few women I did know were taken. It's kinda like that now.
I think about my high school years and wish I would have had more girls as friends, and more chances for romance, but it wasn't so. The times I did get into good friendships with nice girls, they either moved away or turned out to be hardcore religious.
However....
I do remember being asked out a few times. The first one, she asked me out to a dance and I said "sure whatever", and we went, and she never talked to me afterwards even though we rode the bus together. Damn. The other ones, I declined. In one case I wanted nothing to do with her anyway because she was a loud-mouthed attention whore. The other ones I never talked to anyway and felt I had nothing in common. In any case, I would have no idea what to do after someone asks me out. When do you start kissing? What do you do on a date? Where do you go?
I was looking around at the girls who I work with at work, since 90$% of the wait staff is young and female, and although they're all pretty and kind and nice, I started realizing that the reason I was afraid to ask people out, the reason I rejected the girls who did ask me out, is because I was afraid.
Afraid that they thought I was a dork, because I was teased most of my time in grade school for being nerdy and retarded looking. Afraid that they might be sweet to me, but scared away by my stack of anime at home, or my star trek tapes, or reject me because of my beer belly. I was afraid of rejection. I was unwilling to date any girl unless I was sure we shared similar interests.
That's my problem. I want to fall in love with someone who's into the things I am, or at least accepting of them enough that she looks past that and loves me for who I am.
I'm starting to think I need to widen my scopes. If a girl asks me out I shouldn't worry if she's interested in anime or scifi or not. If she doesn't and the relationship doesn't work out, it's a learning experience. If she makes fun of me, fuck it (and maybe that's an excuse to bitchslap her). If I become close to a girl I should just be friendly and hope that she likes me for who I am.
It's hard though. I do not hate who I am. I do not hate being nerdy, I love it. I do things because they're what bring me pleasure. But I hate that nerdyness has such a fucking stigmata in modern culture, much as being overweight has a stigmata (health-wise maybe, beauty-wise wtf?). A lot of it is of course the media's fault, nerds are punchlines in pop culture. You may be smart but you're not sexy enough or good enough.
To hell with it all. Much like I said about boy bands and their fans, you should be fangirling over someone because you're compatable and you love them.
Gah. Enough of this relationship wangst. It sucks being single sometimes. I need alcohol and something to take my mind of this crap. Is it March 6th yet?