(no subject)

[bigblackdude]

God damn. I sit here at 11 30 on saturday night and i wonder, why the fuck does anybody even have anything to do with me. Im so fucked up in so many ways and 95% of the people im closest to dont even know. I guess thats why they stick around. Im a total complete fuck up. I look at my life now, and i look at it back in the day. Just about 4 years ago in highschool i was having the time of my life. I had great friends, i had a girlfriend, i had my soccer team, i had a band, i had family and friends that i dont have now because now theyre fuckin dead. I sat at my former highschool tonight, in the bleachers, just stairing onto the soccer field. I thought of all the games i played on it and how when i was out there nothing could bring me down. I think about where life has gone from there. I honestly feel like im living in hell on earth. In the words of Matt Skiba (alkaline Trio) "Right now, this hell is my home." Im trying to get used to it, but its not happening. Everyday, something new. Though you all may laugh about this but today i was driving and i got shit on for the second time in my life by a bird. Straight into my window. When you start getting shit on by birds, you know youve done something wrong. I hit a baby racoon tonight. The mom ran across the road first, i hit my breaks and she got outta the way in time but the baby, right behind her, didnt. As i looked in my rear view mirror i saw its leg flinching in pain. When my car hit it, i could hear the mashing of bone. I broke down and i cried. I thought about my dog getting hit by a car 2 weeks ago and how it must have been. This triggered something and i was all of the sudden consumed by death. All i could think of his how much i miss my dog, my grandpa, both of my aunts, racquel, and my uncle. I started thinkin about my dog and that racoon and how much agony they must have been in before they died... Ya know? How much pain they must have felt before it all came to an end. I all of the sudden realized something. Call me emo, call me sick, call me what you will, but all i could think about was the pain im going through right now and how i hope more than anything in the world that my end is coming. I cant take it anymore. Where is everyone to listen? Where are my friends when i need em? Instead, i have to type a fucked up and creepy journal entry so that people understand how i feel because nobody will drop a god dammed thing to be with a friend in need of help. Everyones got their own lives and their own problems and would rather be doing a million other things rather than stop by and listen to a friend. I did a really stupid fucked up thing the other day, and for a minute i questioned why. Then i stopped wondering why and started to wonder, why not? It made me for two seconds, forget the other pain i was in. This was real pain. Im a fuckin mess right now. My mom doesnt wanna leave me alone in my house. Why? Well, if i told you all, you wouldnt leave me alone in my house either. But sometimes i wish thats how it was. Sometimes i just wish the people i thought i could count on, wouldnt leave me alone. I wish i wouldnt have to bitch to be heard. I wish people would voluntarily listen and be there. God damn, 4 years ago, it was all soo different. I loved life and couldnt wait for the next day. Today, i sleep all day to avoid any of the bullshit it has to offer. I slept till 3:30 today. No biggie right? I went to bed last night at 12 oclock. I woke up, i immediatley got in my car and drove off to no where and cried. Its all ive done. My eyes fuckin burn because its happened so much lately. I could write a fuckin book on all the ways to end a life cause of thought about it so much. FUCK YOU KISS MY ASS. im fuckin emo, yer god damned right and hearing it every fuckin shitty fucked up minute of the day doesnt make me feel any better so shut yer fuckin mouths! My mind is in a million different places right now and a million of those places arent goood places to be in. Does anyone else get in their car everyday and pray to God that a semi will nail the drivers side and send you flying through the car lifeless? Hmmm, just me? See, ive recently decided i dont care what i type in here... i mean it is a journal and all. And plus, i dont really care how fucked up and insane people think i am because i am fucked up and insane. everyone who knows me should run very very very far before i ruin their lives. I dont know if being fucked up is contagious, but if it is, i sure as hell dont want anyone else catching what i got. God, what happened to me? WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE! WHY DO PEOPLE BUY CELL PHONES IF THEY ARENT GOIN TO ANSWER THEM

Fuck it, i give up. Towels been thrown in, and i quit. Adios ladies and gents and thanks for the good times. They were good while they lasted.