"...and you don't mess around with Slim..."
who the fuck is slim, and why can't we mess around with him?
let me just give you the last 15-minute song line-up b/c i was motherfucking lost b/c motherfucking April from the gas station gave me some shit directions after telling me that she was definately a flight attendent for ATA out of Midway. weird. anyway-
1. "don't spit on superman's cape" (for the 2nd time in 2 days)
2. "light my fire" (see above for frequency)
3. "i ain't never sceered"- which has my favorite line of any song- "i was outside of the club and you thought i was a bum"- i mean who can't relate to that?
4. "pour some sugar on me"- which has my 2nd favorite line ever- "do you take sugar?"
anyway- let's get on with yesterday. shall we?
"judge Dre's residing"
so yesterday i decided to go down to the Galleria and see if i could make any money. they had a security guard at every way to get into the barnes and nobles parking lot across the street, so i asked the security guard if it was going to be a problem. the poor woman was trying so hard to keep her fucking weave from flying off her head in the wind and could barely hear me but told me to wait for the captain of the security squad. whatev. so i did. her job was to tell people that they couldn't park in one parking lot and walk across the street. so i waited and i waited and i waited. then i got the ok, and i only played for about 15 fucking minutes and i was like - fucking rich people don't give a fucking shit about me- fuck it and i hate them and i should spit on a fucking stranger.
so i went to the borders to kill some time, and i went out on their "smoke patio" and started to smoke when i noticed that i had two friends with me- 2 dirty dirty dirty grimy friends. so i was like- uh- i'm sorry i'm in your way- i'm just smoking a cigarette, and one of them was like- no we're all taking a cigarette break here. then he told me about the cabbage dish he had at Katz's deli, and he's not sure but maybe jews work there, and they won't tell you anything. and i'm like- what? and then he told me that those knishes go right through him, you know. and i'm like- i gotta go to the bathroom.
i mean i knew i was looking gross and pretty rough but jesus h, you know. so then i looking at the books and i found this guy i've been looking for for so fucking long and people kept looking at me and one lady said- so the bargain books are over there, and i was like - thank you so much, massa, but they don't have this in the bargain books- i looked, and i hit her in the head with the adorno book and ran downstairs to realize that none of that actually happened. oopsy daisy.
then i found the funniest book in the whole world. it was a book and cd for libras and i was looking at the back of it and they have "rico suave" on the cd- no kidding. i laughed so hard that more people were staring at me, and i was like but this shit is so fucking funny you know. i'm actually still laughing- hard.
so then i made my way to montrose b/c i just wanted to see if there was going to be anywhere to actually play or if i had maybe gotten myself fired from the only corner worth playing at in montrose...and i did. great.
i walked all the way down to the half price books and tried to light a cigarette but something went horribly awry...HORRIBLY awry. it was like slow fucking motion- i saw the flame go all the way up the arm of my sweater and then i was like a big torso of flame and i was hitting myself trying to get the fucking fire out and every time i thought it was done, it totally wasn't- so i'm like doing a mother fucking fire dance and i don't want to even think about the number of passers-by that day at the time at the minute. so i won't. i finally got my sweater off and the fire out and i was like- jesus h. christ. fuck.
when i got myself together enough to successfully light a cigarette "maybe it's because i kick so much butt- i kick ass," i started to walk back to my car and this mother fucking lesbian almost hit me with her car, and i was like- you motherfucking lesbian- you almost hit me and can't you see that i was already lit on fire today- what the fuck is wrong with you?!!! and she was like- you stepped right out in front of me!!! and i was like- i'm on the fucking sidewalk you mother-full-of-shit lesbian!!!
and she was like- are you a bigot?!!! and i was like - yes, i am, i'm a bigot only against you, bitch!!!
and then i noticed that i was screaming at the reflection of myself in the window of the half price books. i am way too young to be freaking out this much in one day!
that's it- sorry for the terrible toilet that is my mouth.
ok- i'm really not sorry at all.
-bif
let me just give you the last 15-minute song line-up b/c i was motherfucking lost b/c motherfucking April from the gas station gave me some shit directions after telling me that she was definately a flight attendent for ATA out of Midway. weird. anyway-
1. "don't spit on superman's cape" (for the 2nd time in 2 days)
2. "light my fire" (see above for frequency)
3. "i ain't never sceered"- which has my favorite line of any song- "i was outside of the club and you thought i was a bum"- i mean who can't relate to that?
4. "pour some sugar on me"- which has my 2nd favorite line ever- "do you take sugar?"
anyway- let's get on with yesterday. shall we?
"judge Dre's residing"
so yesterday i decided to go down to the Galleria and see if i could make any money. they had a security guard at every way to get into the barnes and nobles parking lot across the street, so i asked the security guard if it was going to be a problem. the poor woman was trying so hard to keep her fucking weave from flying off her head in the wind and could barely hear me but told me to wait for the captain of the security squad. whatev. so i did. her job was to tell people that they couldn't park in one parking lot and walk across the street. so i waited and i waited and i waited. then i got the ok, and i only played for about 15 fucking minutes and i was like - fucking rich people don't give a fucking shit about me- fuck it and i hate them and i should spit on a fucking stranger.
so i went to the borders to kill some time, and i went out on their "smoke patio" and started to smoke when i noticed that i had two friends with me- 2 dirty dirty dirty grimy friends. so i was like- uh- i'm sorry i'm in your way- i'm just smoking a cigarette, and one of them was like- no we're all taking a cigarette break here. then he told me about the cabbage dish he had at Katz's deli, and he's not sure but maybe jews work there, and they won't tell you anything. and i'm like- what? and then he told me that those knishes go right through him, you know. and i'm like- i gotta go to the bathroom.
i mean i knew i was looking gross and pretty rough but jesus h, you know. so then i looking at the books and i found this guy i've been looking for for so fucking long and people kept looking at me and one lady said- so the bargain books are over there, and i was like - thank you so much, massa, but they don't have this in the bargain books- i looked, and i hit her in the head with the adorno book and ran downstairs to realize that none of that actually happened. oopsy daisy.
then i found the funniest book in the whole world. it was a book and cd for libras and i was looking at the back of it and they have "rico suave" on the cd- no kidding. i laughed so hard that more people were staring at me, and i was like but this shit is so fucking funny you know. i'm actually still laughing- hard.
so then i made my way to montrose b/c i just wanted to see if there was going to be anywhere to actually play or if i had maybe gotten myself fired from the only corner worth playing at in montrose...and i did. great.
i walked all the way down to the half price books and tried to light a cigarette but something went horribly awry...HORRIBLY awry. it was like slow fucking motion- i saw the flame go all the way up the arm of my sweater and then i was like a big torso of flame and i was hitting myself trying to get the fucking fire out and every time i thought it was done, it totally wasn't- so i'm like doing a mother fucking fire dance and i don't want to even think about the number of passers-by that day at the time at the minute. so i won't. i finally got my sweater off and the fire out and i was like- jesus h. christ. fuck.
when i got myself together enough to successfully light a cigarette "maybe it's because i kick so much butt- i kick ass," i started to walk back to my car and this mother fucking lesbian almost hit me with her car, and i was like- you motherfucking lesbian- you almost hit me and can't you see that i was already lit on fire today- what the fuck is wrong with you?!!! and she was like- you stepped right out in front of me!!! and i was like- i'm on the fucking sidewalk you mother-full-of-shit lesbian!!!
and she was like- are you a bigot?!!! and i was like - yes, i am, i'm a bigot only against you, bitch!!!
and then i noticed that i was screaming at the reflection of myself in the window of the half price books. i am way too young to be freaking out this much in one day!
that's it- sorry for the terrible toilet that is my mouth.
ok- i'm really not sorry at all.
-bif