Talking About Love

[bidachii]

Title: Talking About Love.
Pairing: Baekhyun-centric; (by order) Baekhyun/Chanyeol, Baekhyun/Kris, Baekhyun/Joonmyun, Baekhyun/Luhan, Baekhyun/Tao.
Genre: Romance.
Rating: PG.
Summary: When talking about first loves, Baekhyun, with no doubt, would say that he had his first love ten years ago - when he was in his fourth year of primary school.


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when talking about first loves, baekhyun, with no doubt, would say that he had his first love ten years ago - when he was in his fourth year of primary school. it was with his classmate slash childhood friend, park chanyeol, who lived in the house across his. they'd been together since they were babies, plus their parents were really good friends and neighbors. baekhyun and chanyeol played with each other every single day; it was as if they couldn’t separate even if the world wanted them to. occasionally, chanyeol’s noona and baekhyun’s noona would join them, playing hide and seek on the streets or chasing one another while playing tag.

the moment he realized that he liked chanyeol more than he should, the only thing baekhyun could do was acting as normal as usual. there was nothing he could do, really, and he didn’t want their relationship to change.

on their fifth year, their classmates deemed them the class’ official couple, since it was always ‘baekhyun and chanyeol’ and ‘chanyeol and baekhyun.’ was baekhyun being too obvious? or was it because they were always together in everything they did? either way, baekhyun was uncomfortable with the situation. every time they playfully chased each other, their friends would start catcalling and when the other wasn’t with the other, their friends would tease and ask where the boyfriend was.

and then baekhyun made the mistake of telling some of his ‘trusted friends’ that he might have a crush on the classmate who sat behind him.

the ‘confession’ spread like a wildfire, and the whole class learned about it in less than half an hour-heck, even less than fifteen minutes. one by one his classmates came to him, asking him

what are you going to do with chanyeol now?

you're cheating on him?

is that true? that you have a crush on kyungsoo?

all baekhyun wanted to do was tell all of them to shut up, because he was confused, because he saw chanyeol storming out of the classroom, because he saw kyungsoo’s tears of confusion. the poor boy just had to be dragged into all of this because of him. he wanted to apologize to both chanyeol and kyungsoo, but he couldn’t. it was all his fault - he fucked up his relationship with chanyeol, and even if kyungsoo continued to be his friend, baekhyun didn’t think he could continue being kyungsoo’s friend.

byun baekhyun was a bright and cheerful kid, but at that point in his life, he didn’t think he’d be able to light up his own life anymore.

on valentine’s day of their sixth year, baekhyun shoved two chocolate candies and a letter of apology into chanyeol’s hand before running home. he remained not knowing if chanyeol read his letter or not.

that wasn’t the end of baekhyun’s first love story.

they went to the same middle school - it was closer to their house than any other school. for over three years, baekhyun had remained silent about his feelings for chanyeol. it wasn’t a secret among his friends from primary school though, since they were there when a girl told her friends that she had a crush on chanyeol and they started pairing them together while baekhyun’s face turned gloomy as the same headache he felt on his fifth year came back. it had to be noted that this girl who had a crush on chanyeol on the sixth year was the same girl who used to have a crush on kyungsoo on the fifth year. there was really no reason for baekhyun not to have a headache.

the thing was, his friends supported his feelings and encouraged him to actually confess to chanyeol. baekhyun himself wanted to, especially after jongdae bravely confessed to minseok who was two years their senior. he really wanted to - felt the need to, even, but somehow he always backed away at the last minutes. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, he kept telling himself.

that ‘tomorrow’ never came.

in the midst of all of this, another guy came to his love life. his name was wu yifan, also known as kris. baekhyun knew him before, the older guy had been good friends with his noona since primary school. honestly, baekhyun never considered him as someone to get close with, but because he was too distraught and hopeless with his first love, he said yes when kris asked him to be his boyfriend. kris was…good at changing subjects, and perhaps baekhyun agreed because he was too carried away by kris’ smooth talk. he didn’t know where kris found out about his feelings for chanyeol, but when kris mentioned that, it was as if his mind had gone blank.

kris played a big role in his life then - he was always there whenever baekhyun had his dark moment. he was there when baekhyun doubted his father’s love for his family, he was there when baekhyun felt so lonely even though he was surrounded by people, he was there when baekhyun had to be supported by crutches because he had a torn knee cartilage. kris was a good person; he made baekhyun laugh freely again. he made him blush like a girl whenever he whispered sweet words to his ear. he patiently waited for a few weeks to hold baekhyun’s hand and do skinship in general. suddenly the only person that mattered in his world was kris.

kris became the light in baekhyun’s life, and he liked-no, he loved him. kris was the one who pieced him back together and brought him back to his track.

he was undeniably happy - happier than before, even though that didn’t mean his feelings for chanyeol had disappeared. baekhyun knew from the start that it’d be extremely and excruciatingly difficult for him to forget his first love. but the topic of chanyeol was never heard during his relationship with kris.

the thing that made baekhyun love kris even more was that kris was willing to do anything to make him happy.

but every good thing had to come to an end, eventually.

he said there was nothing between them, that the girl was only a friend. but would friends call each other every night, text each other every so often, talk to each other with a sickeningly sweet, intimate tone? kris might be baekhyun’s first lover, but he wasn’t stupid. it was clear that kris was two-timing him, and there was nothing kris could do to make baekhyun forgive him.

he was so angry that he broke up with kris in their fourth month.

for several weeks after the break up, the older guy would attempt to corner baekhyun at school when he was alone to apologize directly but never succeeded, since baekhyun would always have his friends with him. he made calls, too, but they were always ignored. texts were immediately deleted after they showed up in baekhyun’s inbox without being read. whenever they accidentally bumped into one another on the streets or at the mall, he’d stay silent and give kris a cold shoulder. his noona, who knew about the reason behind the break up, helped keeping a distance between the former lovers.

as time went by, kris finally gave up and baekhyun finally cried, feeling lost and betrayed and - most of all - disappointed.

kris loved him dearly. baekhyun loved him back.

so, what went wrong in their relationship?

it was a few months into the new school year. at last, everything calmed down and baekhyun was able to concentrate on his studies. he was smiling; not forced anymore but not as bright as it used to be.

still, he felt like his world crumbled to pieces when his friend told him that chanyeol got a girlfriend.

baekhyun, honest to all gods out there, didn’t know what persuaded him to approach kris on the night of their school’s cultural festival. there were flowers of fireworks in the sky and a box of chocolate in his hands and kris, standing alone in the middle of loud chattering and happy laughs.

so he automatically walked over, offering the box of chocolate to kris, which was kindly refused by the guy. baekhyun stood there awkwardly with him, not saying anything, only watching the fireworks explode into the night sky until he had to go home.

in the safe confines of his room, he remembered that kris disliked chocolates. heaving a deep sigh, he sent him a text.

hey, sorry about earlier, i forgot you didn’t like chocolates.

don’t worry about it. can i call you?

sure.

somehow, baekhyun expected this. he expected the apology, he expected the give me a second chance, i'll be a better person, i will never do that again, so please. he expected all of that, but he didn’t expect himself to give in, to give another chance to someone who had betrayed his trust-his love. but byun baekhyun was a very compassionate person, so he couldn’t say no, not when he loved kris still, and he wanted to believe in this second chance.

so baekhyun forgave kris, in hopes that this time, everything would be just fine.

nothing changed between them; it was like they never broke up in the first place. kris still treated baekhyun as precious as a crystal and baekhyun still treasured kris as much as his own family. baekhyun’s noona actually disapproved of their making up but said nothing, only taking her brother’s side whenever the couple had an argument. perhaps the only thing that changed was the way they acted around each other. it was more mature and more careful than before, as if they were afraid of being attached for the second time.

then kris asked if they’d be able to last until high school, which baekhyun answered with a shy of course, face the deepest shade of red possible.

how nice if it were so.

because baekhyun ended their relationship in their fourth month for the second time.

kris was a stupid, idiotic, foolish-and every other bad things baekhyun could think of-jerk. betraying baekhyun’s trust for the second time was a fatally wrong step. he might have been okay with it if it was with some other girl (kind of… okay maybe a little bit… okay maybe not at all), but it was with the same girl that destroyed their relationship months ago. wow. it made him wonder if kris loved him or her, since kris and his girl maintained their relationship quite well, if he must say. he bet the girl knew nothing about his and kris’ relationship.

the second break up wasn’t harder than the first one; maybe baekhyun had anticipated it since the start. he just didn’t know it’d be this fast.

baekhyun obviously lived better than before. a big burden had been lifted off his shoulders, and he began to enjoy life again. his best friend jongdae knew everything that happened, and he was the only one whom baekhyun trusted the most. jongdae had been baekhyun’s pillar of support since everything with kris started, so often times jongdae would offer him comfort. this time was no different, after learning of kris’ two-timing him again, he didn’t hesitate to tell baekhyun to break up with him, for good now.

why couldn’t baekhyun just fall in love with jongdae?

in the third year of middle school, baekhyun swore to himself that if chanyeol so much as called his name, he’d let go of his feelings for that childhood friend of his and move on. turned out they were in the same class. inevitably, chanyeol called him in class.

letting go was difficult, but he decided to move on.

that still wasn’t the end of his first love story. but then again, the fire of first loves would never die.

park chanyeol slipped out of most of his life when baekhyun enrolled in high school. they still lived across each other, but they no longer went to the same school. baekhyun himself was surprised at how easier things had gotten after he came to a truce with his own feelings. unfortunately jongdae didn’t go to the same school as him, but he met yixing and he was a nice guy. besides, his noona was in the same school as him, so he had less things to worry about - the only thing he had to worry perhaps was kris, though kris wasn’t an issue anymore since they became friends and baekhyun had learned not to take the older guy seriously.

or maybe his noona should’ve warned him that there was a kim joonmyun at school. well-okay, she did tell him about someone named kim joonmyun and how he was a good guy a year prior to his enrolling in high school, but she skipped the part where she should’ve said that he was good-looking and polite and had a nice smile and-

baekhyun melted.

joonmyun was a year above him. he turned baekhyun into a blushing mess whenever they exchanged ‘hi’s in the corridors and baekhyun’s brain would be reduced to close to nothing whenever kim joonmyun was in the picture. he fell for him, hard and fast, but because of his past experiences, baekhyun never decided to confess to him. he told yixing exactly this, but yixing was too good of a friend that he suggested him to confess. you will regret it if you don’t, he had said in his persuasion.

but byun baekhyun had already regretted a lot of things so he thought an addition of one more regret wouldn’t be too hard to handle.

the fates hated him, of course.

they kept bumping into each other after school and out of school. one time baekhyun was in the library, peacefully listening to the songs in his phone while waiting for his noona to finish her class so they could walk home together, when suddenly someone took a seat in front of him. he looked up, half thinking it was his noona but soon banged his knees against the hard wooden table when he saw joonmyun instead. baekhyun blushed to the very tips of his ears at the older guy’s smile to which he replied with a stiff nod of his head.

another time baekhyun took a bus home. right after he found a seat, joonmyun got on the same bus and made baekhyun blush like a boiled crab when he sat beside him.

going home? joonmyun had asked him. baekhyun stuttered a yes in reply, though wondering why the older was in the same bus as him.

where are you going? he had shyly asked back, peering at his senior, afraid that he’d see his red face. not that his ears weren’t, anyway.

oh, i'm going to course, was the answer joonmyun had given him, and baekhyun briefly remembered an english course a few kilometers from his house. not because he’d hoped it’d be that particular english course, but more because he didn’t know any other course around the area of his house.

then the bus stopped, joonmyun got off at his stop and waved at baekhyun, disappearing into the english course.

baekhyun blushed even more and hid his face in his arms.

this love story was short-lived, however.

two years passed by so quickly and before baekhyun knew it, joonmyun was graduating. he attended the graduation ceremony, partly because he was a part of the choir team, partly because it was his noona’s and kris’ graduation as well. seeing joonmyun step up the stage made him want to cry, though he didn’t, since he knew it’d be weird if he did.

forgetting joonmyun wasn’t that hard, and baekhyun had made sure of it. sure, he’d missed his presence, he’d missed his gentle smiles and he’d missed talking to him. but he had prepared himself for it since the first time he met the senior - he promised himself that he would hold no regrets, since he had no intention of confessing to him at all, even when his noona told him that joonmyun didn’t have a lover and was totally free. it did make him think that maybe, just maybe joonmyun would fall for him. though he instantly diminished that thought and settled with just a senior-junior relationship. he was content with being just that, so not even yixing could change his mind.

(on his third year of high school, there was this junior who suddenly caught his eyes. his name was kim jongin and he was also yixing’s junior at his middle school. yixing held an affection for the younger guy while baekhyun was terrified of his pointed glare - or more like, his whole existence terrified him. baekhyun didn’t know why, but when yixing told him about his affection towards jongin, it was as if he saw jongin in a whole different light. he became interested enough in him that he had even accompanied yixing to stare at walking, oblivious jongin while yixing had that lovestruck face on. jongin must have felt their intense stare because he glanced to his left, making yixing hide and baekhyun smirk at him. gradually, baekhyun felt a lot more at ease around jongin.

he might have had a brief crush on him, too.)

after graduating high school, baekhyun and yixing went to the same university but different majors. baekhyun majored in communication, yixing in international business. even so, their friendship didn’t waver - yixing even introduced him to his friend luhan. luhan, who was a year their senior, majored in international relations at a different university a few train stations away from theirs. yixing had known him through one of his other friends oh sehun and quickly became close, both of them having come from china. he wanted to introduce baekhyun to luhan since he thought luhan would be a good influence in baekhyun’s life so they arranged a dinner at baekhyun’s favorite café.

baekhyun met luhan then. and, true to yixing’s words, both of them clicked as soon as they talked to each other.

luhan wasn’t like any other people he had fallen for. if kris was especially careful with him, luhan was only doing what he himself wanted to do. he held baekhyun’s hand in his on their third meeting without warning, and even though it surprised baekhyun how straightforward the older guy was, he didn’t mind it at all. luhan made him feel at ease, as he treated him like he was his younger brother. affectionate ruffles on his head or comforting hugs were not unusual between them. in front of luhan, baekhyun felt like a kid again. he opened up to luhan, talked to him about anything and everything, even sent him random texts when he was bored. with kris, it was always the older who took the initiative, but with luhan, he could take more initiative than he usually would - although perhaps it was because he’d grown up so he was more mature.

as they met more and more often (mostly with yixing too, and sehun, though sometimes they’d just hangout with each other), they grew even closer. it was inevitable that they fell into arguments which would result in them not talking to each other for days, but whenever baekhyun complained to yixing about how luhan would kill him one day, his best friend only said,

but both of you are so cute.

apparently yixing and sehun thought that the arguments between luhan and baekhyun were signs of affection.

speaking of affections, baekhyun realized that sehun harbored some feelings towards luhan, despite their four years age gap. just, luhan saw him no more than a younger brother. he doted on sehun a lot, which what might have had led sehun to his blooming adoration towards the older. while baekhyun felt guilty because yixing told him luhan had changed ever since he met him, sehun continued treating baekhyun nicely. he didn’t know if it was out of pure kindness or because he was luhan’s friend.

it had been obvious in everyone else’s eyes, that baekhyun and luhan had feelings for each other. the luhan sehun knew wouldn’t make so many excuses to go to a café located on the other side of the city and the baekhyun yixing knew wouldn’t pour so much of himself into someone else’s open hands. but it happened anyway, and neither of them was able to stop it from happening.

the one time when baekhyun unintentionally skipped english course because he accompanied luhan in researching at the library, the older held him close, apologizing over and over again at a guilt-stricken baekhyun (he’d been close with his english course teacher). it was his teacher’s birthday and baekhyun had promised to come to course to celebrate; luhan knew this and tried to finish his research early but just couldn’t. this made baekhyun a bit upset at luhan and more at himself. he should’ve kept his promise with his teacher, not saying yes to luhan’s pleas of since you’re majoring in communication, i figured i could ask you for help, this essay is quite a pain. please?

one day luhan was down with a fever so yixing and sehun decided to drag baekhyun to visit him after dropping by a fruit market to buy some apples and oranges and strawberries (just because strawberries are so luhan). luhan had been lying on his bed, face flushed red from the fever. he’d tried to get up to welcome them but three pairs of hands pushed him back down to the bed. yixing and sehun borrowed luhan’s kitchen to make tea and baekhyun was left alone with luhan.

are you upset?

baekhyun had been dragged to luhan’s house without his consent, even if he was worried about the older guy as well - that still didn’t justify what his friends had done since baekhyun was tired and the only thing he wanted was go home and sleep. luhan had the ability to read him like an open book; it wasn’t the first time he did it.

luhan’s question wasn’t answered. instead, baekhyun moved from his place on the floor to sit on the edge of luhan’s bed, placing a delicate hand over his forehead.

just rest.

the smile on luhan’s face invited a small smile to baekhyun’s.

(he leaned over to place a kiss on luhan’s burning forehead as their fingers interlaced with one another.)

to say that luhan and baekhyun were together wasn’t right, but wasn’t totally wrong either. when they met, their hands would instantly find each other and they’d exchange whispers and special smiles. they just never confessed, never found the perfect timing to disclose their feelings.

midterms happened and they lost their timing.

assignments towards the middle and the end of the term were crazy. yixing fared no better than baekhyun, as well as luhan. the only one who could make time was sehun, so he sometimes went to baekhyun’s and yixing’s university to laugh at their misfortune. high school is the best, he would say.

yixing agreed, and baekhyun would start a speech about how high school was the best place ever and how university was hell, as opposed to what students sehun’s age would say.

university was the exact sole reason why luhan and baekhyun had a hard time to see each other.

on not so hectic fridays, baekhyun was able to spare a few hours to see luhan but the older had a full schedule. when luhan was finally able to take a breath, baekhyun would be close to ripping pages and pages of essays. each time one called and asked to meet up, the other would apologize with i have this project to finish this week.

eventually, communication between them ceased, and as much as sehun wanted to help, he couldn’t do anything if both baekhyun and luhan were busy, not to mention yixing who was equally busy.

they tried to maintain their relationship-whatever it was between them-but since a constant relationship seemed impossible at the moment, baekhyun gave up altogether.

somewhere in between baekhyun’s lessening contact with luhan, his father brought him to a basketball match where his friend’s son was playing. huang zitao was a year younger and half a head taller than him (how, baekhyun had gaped). he was also baekhyun’s junior at university who currently majored in information technology. he…was also in their university’s basketball team and everyone knew baekhyun was a sucker for basketball players.

before, baekhyun always only saw him from afar - at practices after university hours or in the lounge at lunchtime. but seeing him up close made baekhyun’s heart stutter as he hadn’t noticed how good-looking zitao was (well, he was mainly focusing on his height…and maybe his play on the court, though mainly his height). they never talked before, which forced yixing to side-eye him before elbowing his ribs.

huang zitao was a fresh breeze in baekhyun’s life. contrary to his intimidating looks, zitao was actually a nice and polite kid. after talking for a while, baekhyun immediately noticed that zitao had so many different sides to him. aside of being shy and soft-spoken, it was noted in baekhyun’s mind that zitao had initially dreamed of being a professional basketball player.

why not? baekhyun had asked when zitao told him about it.

zitao had paused, looking to their right and left before leaning close, whispering

english is hard.

baekhyun fought the urge to laugh, but he did anyway.

it was the younger’s purity and ambition that made baekhyun stick to his side. yixing was baffled when he saw how suddenly close the two were, except he didn’t mind at all since baekhyun introduced him to zitao, which had the eldest squealing all over the place because another chinese friend! it also didn’t help that they all went to the same university - more time to see each other. zitao was much like luhan, in the sense that he easily read baekhyun’s moods. more often than not, zitao would crack unfunny jokes but baekhyun laughed still, seeing the pout on the younger’s face did things to him.

what surprised him was that zitao actually knew his noona. oh, and kris.

now that was a jaw-dropping fact about zitao.

over the year they knew each other and a few months after losing contact with luhan, zitao told him that he’d just started seeing someone.

as in, he’d just started dating someone.

baekhyun had learned the secrets of how not to show his emotions so blatantly so he concealed his slight disappointment and smiled brightly, patting him on his back as he congratulated him over and over. zitao looked relieved at the older’s reaction and smiled back, telling him about this girl he was dating.

baekhyun just couldn’t find it in himself to care.

it was good that he didn’t.

on a raining, early university day, baekhyun found zitao sitting alone in the empty library, save for the librarians. feeling curious and excited, he sneaked his way over to where the younger was sitting, blowing in his ear when he was close enough. zitao yelped and jumped from his seat, chair screeching loudly against the floor as he stumbled on air. baekhyun had tears in his eyes from trying to hold back his laughter while the librarians told them to keep quiet, zitao apologizing to them with deep bows, face flushed red. he smacked the back of baekhyun’s head when the older was far from done laughing, sprawled on the table.

she cheated on me, zitao said after they both sat down. the sudden information was like a slap to baekhyun’s cheek. it reminded him of his past relationship that he could never forget, a part of his past that had became a bitter memory.

slowly, baekhyun slid his arms around zitao, pulling him close in a hug. i'm sorry to hear that, he whispered in zitao’s ear, patting his back gently in attempt to comfort him.

when he felt zitao’s arms around his, he also felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes, knowing how hurt zitao must have been.

it's okay to cry, zitao.

they spent first and second period of class in the library, clinging onto one another with zitao drenching baekhyun’s shirt, courtesy of his tears.

(i'm sorry, i'm so sorry-

sssh, zitao, it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about my shirt, baekhyun laughed, combing the younger’s hair with his fingers.

but-

baekhyun put a finger on zitao’s lips to silence him, grinning. you'll have to kiss me if you say another word.

i-oh.

their eyes widened, neither expecting it to happen. baekhyun blushed, pulling his hands back to his sides. i-sorry, that wasn’t serious, oh god, you don’t-just forget i've ever said anything. he was all but ready to run from the library, his bag be damned, but then there were fingers curling around his wrist. his heart was ready to jump out of his ribs when zitao stood up, effortlessly towering over his smaller figure.

and baekhyun suddenly felt that they were standing too close. the table was right behind him, so there was no way for him to inch away. clocks stopped ticking, time was stilling. he screwed his eyes shut.

then a pair of soft lips pressed against his cheek.)

by the time the next season of basketball matches started, baekhyun and zitao were closer than ever. baekhyun would watch zitao practice - from the benches now - and would also buy drinks and snacks for the team. it was not a rare sight anymore, the team basically acknowledged baekhyun as the manager they never had.

after the kiss (yes, it was a kiss) in the library, zitao didn’t stay away from baekhyun. if anything, he stuck even closer to baekhyun, almost bordering on clingy but not. baekhyun was just glad that he was acting normal and not awkward like in most cases of a guy kissing another guy. holding hands became natural for them, more so with playful flirtings. once, they watched a movie together in the cinema which only served to make baekhyun cringe and lean his head on zitao’s shoulder.

this is boring. baekhyun never liked watching modern romantic movies. in his opinion, they were all clichéd and had a happy ending anyway, so why bother?

zitao only leaned his head against baekhyun’s after chuckling. did you prefer watching with your boyfriend then?

it made baekhyun pout. you’re the only one i've got was his retort.

you wish i was your boyfriend.

yeah… he mumbled indignantly, and if zitao heard it, he didn’t say anything back, only reaching up to ruffle baekhyun’s hair a bit.

sometimes, if not always, baekhyun wondered what zitao might be thinking. they held hands, yes, they flirted, yes, but they never explored deeper about each other. baekhyun was afraid - he felt like he’d opened up to zitao too much to be insecure. zitao knew many things about him while he couldn’t say he knew as much about the younger. zitao had a complete understanding of baekhyun’s mind while baekhyun himself couldn’t read him as easily. the whole situation worried baekhyun; he was afraid he’d be the one to get hurt again in the end and he was tired of getting hurt.

he only wanted to be happy but happiness seemed to hate him.

their university was known for its strong basketball team. they’d won the championship for the last two years, so they were expecting to win again this year, especially after they’d recruited many talented students as players, one of them being zitao. baekhyun had been watching the year’s championship since preliminaries, missing one of the quarter finals since he caught a cold.

their team faced a strong opponent on the semifinals. on the first and second quarters, they fell behind with a quite large gap between their score and their opponent’s; the supporters’ mentality was put to test when the supporters for the opposing team were larger in number. baekhyun felt tears in his eyes and he clenched his hands together in a silent prayer.

quarter three started and it was as if the team had been possessed - one by one their three-point shoots went in and the crowd cheered, gaining back their spirit.

by the time quarter four ended, their team was five three points ahead.

zitao had been the one who scored the most three points. the seniors hugged him and ruffled his hair, patting his back with wide smiles on their face. the team laughed, and enveloped one another in a group hug. baekhyun was pulled into the middle of it.

the arms around him were warm, he had thought. if only his knee hadn’t torn a cartilage, he was sure he’d be a part of the team long ago. but the members didn’t think anything about it; they’d witnessed baekhyun’s precise shoots so many times that they thought of him as a part of the team. it really didn’t matter to them if he wasn’t an official member, they all loved him anyway.

did he mention that their coach was also an old friend of his father’s?

that night, baekhyun and zitao held hands as they walked home. the older couldn’t stop talking about the match, and how zitao played so well while the younger only smiled and pulled him closer to his side. they stood in front of baekhyun’s house, leaning against the wall, eyes staring at the starry night sky.

two weeks until the final match… baekhyun breathed, hand still warm in zitao’s hold. zitao nodded even if baekhyun couldn’t see it, although he didn’t have to for zitao knew he didn’t need an answer. minutes passed as they stayed in comfortable silence, baekhyun’s head resting on zitao’s shoulder like it belonged there.

good luck on the final. i'll definitely watch you.

he felt zitao turn his head, pressing his lips against his temple.

a week before the final match, baekhyun was admitted to the hospital for an unbearable pain in his lower right abdomen.

his appendix had to be removed.

the surgery went well, he was recovering well, too. but his fever wouldn’t go down at all. zitao had visited on the day he underwent the surgery and baekhyun had promised-again-to go watch him play on saturday. yixing and sehun were good friends so they came to visit everyday, tempting him to kick them out of his bed because they never failed to make him laugh and it hurt.

but later his doctor told him he had the early symptoms of salmonella, after taking his blood twice and getting it checked in the laboratory. he had to stay in the hospital for a few more days. that also meant he wouldn’t be able to watch the final basketball match. baekhyun had laughed when his parents jokingly told him to sneak out of the hospital, but he couldn’t help himself and cried to sleep on the night before the match.

(zitao, i'm sorry, i'm not discharged yet, and i'm not allowed to go after all, he called zitao the next morning, thankful for his unpuffy eyes.

that's okay, just rest, you’re still recovering. pray for our victory, alright?

baekhyun swallowed back a sob that was threatening to slip out of his lips. i really want to go, though… you better win or i won’t cheer for our team again next year!

zitao’s laugh made him chuckle-okay, it still hurt-and zitao ended the call after a few more minutes of talking.)

his father and his noona went to watch the match, leaving baekhyun behind to claw at his bed sheets and start negotiating with his mother to get out of the hospital.

you know i can walk just fine! well, despite of how hard it is to breathe when sitting or standing, not to mention the dizziness-but we can still make it if we go now!

yeah, but your doctor didn’t allow you to go.

baekhyun faked a sob.

he almost tore his hair from his head in anxiety, waiting for his father’s text. his father promised to text him the scores of every quarter so baekhyun wouldn’t be too worried about the match. he chewed on his lower lip at the first report of scores; they were fourteen points behind. the team managed to lessen the gap to only six points by the third quarter, which made baekhyun chew harder on his abused lower lip.

the fourth quarter ended and their scores were tied. they went to overtime. baekhyun clawed at his face.

the overtime ended and their scores were still tied. they went to the second overtime. it was a miracle baekhyun hadn’t flung his phone across the room yet.

when the last text from his father showed up in his inbox, baekhyun could only sigh. they lost. strangely, it didn’t bother him as much as he’d thought. he was just thinking about zitao. maybe he’s crying right now, he said to himself, knowing how easily the younger shed tears. it pained him that he was unable to be there for him, to comfort him when he needed it.

zitao didn’t come to visit that day, and baekhyun didn’t call him, giving zitao his space for a day.

baekhyun was on his second round of morning sleep the next day when zitao came earlier than his own father, not startling baekhyun at all even if he woke up to the younger sitting beside his bed, watching muted television. you're early, he had said, shifting to a sitting position.

zitao reclined in his seat. yeah… he offered, eyes not leaving the screen on the wall.

maybe he wasn’t ready to talk yet, baekhyun assumed, reaching out his hand that wasn’t attached to the i.v drip, placing it on zitao’s shoulder. the younger didn’t say anything, only taking baekhyun’s hand off his shoulder before holding it in his.

nothing was said between them but baekhyun understood that zitao was only trying to forgive himself for losing. that was because baekhyun was also trying to forgive himself for breaking his promise.

the person who was more excited than himself when he finally returned to university was of course zhang yixing. he squealed when he saw baekhyun in the lounge, tackling him into a bone-crushing hug-ow! he protested-having only half a mind to care about his wound.

how dare you left me alone!

uhh, didn’t you come visit me everyday?

does it matter?

it didn’t. because baekhyun had missed yixing as well, despite of seeing his best friend everyday when he was hospitalized.

there was a third year of middle school reunion later that month. baekhyun was willing to attend only because jongdae was going, too. he wasn’t the most sociable person back in middle school, so jongdae had been the closest to him, and if jongdae was going then he would go with him.

the reunion was held at one of his friends’ villa, big enough to host all thirty five of them. baekhyun had been there a few times before, since his friend used to invite the class there to have fun.

a hand tapped his shoulder, and when he turned around, he stumbled back with widened eyes.

hey.

his voice was unfamiliar from what puberty had done to it, but the grin on his face was still the same.

hey, chanyeol.

jongdae was worried that maybe baekhyun would have trouble controlling his feelings that could burst at any time. he'd watched baekhyun crumble to the ground and pick himself up one too many times because of chanyeol, and he wouldn’t like it if baekhyun had to go over that process again. so he stayed with baekhyun throughout the reunion, ready to support him should his friend trip over.

what he didn’t know was, even if baekhyun felt like falling in love with chanyeol all over again, byun baekhyun had already glued his pieces back together and wouldn’t let it go, in case someone would grab it away and smash it to the ground again. he wasn’t going to place his hopes on chanyeol anymore. seeing chanyeol like this was enough - he was relieved that chanyeol had greeted him first. he was happy seeing chanyeol didn’t change the way he acted around him, still friendly and carefree like how it was back then. he was content with the way chanyeol’s hand rested on his shoulder so comfortably as they posed for a photo.

baekhyun knew it was time for his first love to end. he said goodbye to it as he waved chanyeol goodbye at the end of the day.

jongdae ended up staying over at his house for the night. baekhyun ended up telling him everything that had happened - about yixing, about joonmyun, about luhan, about university, about his surgery and especially about zitao. he also told jongdae about his worries of getting hurt again and if he should ever confess to him. the possibility of being rejected and losing the relationship they had terrified him. to this, jongdae only smiled.

do you remember minseok?

baekhyun nodded, of course he remembered kim minseok, their senior in middle school and the subject of his best friend’s affection during the time. of course i do.

well… we go to the same university, right? and we’re together now. kind of.

what- he shot up from his position in bed, groaning when his wound twitched. how did-congratulations!

seeing his middle school best friend flail his arms around, jongdae laughed, pushing baekhyun back down to the bed. i confessed to him every year-we went to the same high school, too-so i think he got tired of them and gave up.

holy-every year?!

yeah. so, my point is, you’d have to have enough courage if you want to confess to him, baekhyun-ah. the only reason minseok didn’t push me away is because i was determined to show him what i felt for him. just, try to find your ground first. and then when it’s solid enough, you can confess.

his words echoed in baekhyun’s head. jongdae was right; he needed to prepare for every kind of possibilities first. if he wasn’t ready for a rejection, he wouldn’t go anywhere. he had wasted so much time in his life waiting for the ‘perfect time’ to confess to the person he loved. with chanyeol, it was never the perfect timing. with kris, he had’t needed to find one. with joonmyun, he’d already given up from the start. with luhan, it slipped from his hold.

with zitao, he wanted to make the perfect timing.

there were a few weeks left before the new semester started.

zitao had agreed to meet baekhyun at baekhyun’s all-time favorite café. from there, they’d go watch a movie then go to baekhyun’s house to cook and eat dinner. his parents were out of town and his noona was out with her friends, so baekhyun had told zitao to bring spare clothes and bathing necessities.

he took a deep breath before leaving his house. he could do this.

even though he nearly fell to the ground because of the nervousness, he made it safely to the café, easily spotting zitao sitting on a table by the large window. the younger looked up when the doorbell chimed, waving at him with a grin. baekhyun had to bite his lower lip to prevent himself from forming a stupid grin.

here’s your lychee green tea, zitao said as baekhyun took a seat across of him, pushing a tall glass of cold green tea filled with four lychees. the thoughtfulness of the gesture made baekhyun blush. he had no idea zitao knew about his favorite drink from the café, considering he had only been there with zitao once or twice.

i hope you’ll have a good time today. you've been kind of out of it lately.

baekhyun looked up from his drink, not expecting him to say it. zitao’s face had a pretty shade of pink and he found it adorable. so he smiled, pinching zitao’s cheek softly.

thanks.

the so-called date went smoothly-baekhyun was the one who chose what they were going to watch-and uneventful, relieving baekhyun of some of his stress. he had been worried he might make himself look clumsy in front of zitao, the one thing he really didn’t want to do before his big mission tonight.

yes, he was going to confess tonight and it was now or never. this was the ‘perfect timing’ he had made, he didn’t want to lose it, simply because zitao was precious to him. he just wanted the younger to know that.

once they were finished with dinner, zitao started rambling about how university would start soon and how they were going to have less time to hangout, with a small pout. baekhyun chuckled at his cuteness, gathering all the used dishes and mugs and bringing them over to the sink, running water over the pile of dirty melamines before washing them.

baekhyun, you’re tense.

it was only then that baekhyun noticed how stiff his shoulders were, not to mention his silence throughout dinner, only laughing now and then at something zitao said but never really started a topic, which he would have done had he not been distracted. he bit his lip, feeling apologetic for ending their date by acting so not himself. hurriedly, he stopped washing the dishes, wanting to apologize to zitao for exactly that reason.

but then warm hands were wrapped around his torso, a chin on his shoulder.

relax, zitao said beside his ear. you’re stressing yourself, it’s not good.

baekhyun wanted to cry at zitao’s gentleness. his chest felt so full he thought it could burst any time and he just couldn’t keep it in anymore.

zitao, i-i like you.

behind him, zitao stilled. there was no way to turn back now, it was now or never.

i really like you. in the way that makes my chest want to explode at any given time, in the way that makes me want to cry because my chest is so full, in the way that makes my heart beat furiously, in the way that i blush and grin stupidly when i see you, in the way that-

the arms around him tightened.

please let this be real, baekhyun.

he couldn’t stop the tears from slipping out of his eyes.

graduation was nearing, so quickly that baekhyun could barely register that he only had a week before officially becoming an alumni of his university. he and yixing had been hanging out a lot while waiting for graduation ceremony to happen, cherishing every moment they had together before parting ways; baekhyun to continue his studies and yixing to start up his own business. “but we will be oceans apart!” he had wailed when baekhyun told him about his plan.

“shut up, it’s japan, that’s not ‘oceans apart,’ as you’d put it.”

“whatever, i still can’t see you in the flesh without getting on a plane. what about zitao?”

baekhyun heaved a deep sigh, frowning as he remembered the small argument they had when he broke the news to zitao a good two weeks ago. “i think he’s still mad at me. he's not replying my texts or answering my calls.”

being a soon-to-be graduating student, baekhyun and yixing didn’t really have to go to their campus anymore, since they were done with their thesis and thesis defense, passing with satisfying scores on their record. for the past two weeks, though, baekhyun had been going to campus every single day only to see zitao but never succeeded. zitao was on his sixth semester so meeting him shouldn’t be too difficult. it was obvious that the younger was avoiding him. he could only sigh.

yixing circled his arm around baekhyun’s shoulder, squeezing there to comfort him. “don’t worry. he has no choice; he’ll have to see you sooner or later.”

smiling weakly but gratefully at his best friend, baekhyun gently poked his rib. “don’t you have to be somewhere with jongin right about now?”

“good god, i'm late.”

it should be mentioned as well that they met jongin again a few months ago, at sehun’s birthday party. coincidentally, sehun and jongin went to the same university, both majoring in performing arts, instantly becoming best friends. when sehun introduced him to yixing and baekhyun, jongin’s eyes widened in recognition, shaking their hand distractedly. long time no see! baekhyun said, cheerful, while yixing could only hide behind him. after sehun told jongin that yixing-just like the both of them-danced, jongin was suddenly interested in him, making conversations with the older guy. baekhyun and sehun shared a knowing smile as they were sure another couple was going to happen.

the buzz from his pocket startled him out of his thoughts, groaning as he pulled his phone out. a text from sehun.

hyung, when are you going to celebrate
your graduation? luhan-hyung said
hello~ ^^

baekhyun smiled. he had talked to sehun about the younger’s feelings for luhan not too long after he confessed to zitao. surprisingly, sehun was calm about it. i know i'm obvious, he had said. he just doesn’t see it. just like how he didn’t see yours.

lately, sehun had been talking to him more - mostly about luhan. the two had gotten close-closer than before and sehun also told him that luhan responded to his touches now, either with pink across his cheeks or soft, almost inaudible gasps. the whole situation delighted him and baekhyun was amused at how things turned out. nonetheless, he was happy for them, believing that sehun would be able to take care of luhan in ways he couldn’t.

the people he knew congratulated him for graduating, both people he saw frequently and those who had lost contact with him. but when he saw kyungsoo’s and joonmyun’s post on his facebook wall, he couldn’t be happier than that. or so he thought, because chanyeol showed up in front of his door one day, with his trademark grin, congratulating him and ruffling his hair.

everyone was happy for his graduation, except one person.

the day before his graduation, zitao was still refusing to see or talk to him. it had just occurred to him that he didn’t know where exactly zitao’s house was, so he couldn’t go there even if he wanted to. or maybe he could ask his father but his old man closed the conversation by saying “it’s far” instead of giving a real answer.

he was really busy preparing for his graduation ceremony that he didn’t get to spare a glance at his phone.

so imagine his surprise when zitao suddenly appeared at his door a few hours to midnight.

“zitao-”

“you’re okay-”

“what are you-”

“thought you were sick or something-”

“why even-”

they paused, staring at each other with wide eyes before laughter erupted from both of them. oh how foolish they were, baekhyun thought as he pulled zitao into his arms, the younger’s own encircling his waist.

“i know this is a bit too late, but… congratulations on your graduation.”

shaking his head, baekhyun’s lips curled upwards. “thanks, zitao.”

“and i'm sorry for acting so childish.”

“that’s okay.”

“also… here.”

“… what’s this?”

it was a round pendant, with a simple design of a cow’s head, gold in color while the pendant itself was black.

“it’s… that thing for a necklace, what do you call it-”

“thank you, zitao.”

and as a sweet smile bloomed on baekhyun’s face, zitao was tugged down for a kiss.

graduation ceremony went smoothly without any complications; baekhyun and yixing took many pictures together in each classroom, dragging zitao the one-day photographer along, sometimes taking pictures of the three of them. a small celebration was held at baekhyun’s house the day before his departure to japan. chanyeol and zitao met for the first time, but instead of trying to get along, zitao only gave death glares at the taller guy every time he got too close to baekhyun. yixing and sehun laughed at them, luhan and kris instantly got close while speaking in chinese, and jongdae, minseok and jongin played games. baekhyun even had to duck to the kitchen to breathe, which only served to make his parents and noona chuckle and giggle at him. before leaving, chanyeol left a peck on baekhyun’s forehead. not wanting to lose, kris left with a kiss to his cheek. the gestures reddened baekhyun’s whole face and ears, so when luhan also wanted to leave with a kiss to baekhyun’s cheek, zitao covered his cheeks with his hands, making luhan’s lips land on the back of his hand instead. baekhyun only smiled at zitao’s behavior, giving assuring kisses now and then to calm him down as the night went on.

“repeat that again.”

he chuckled, squeezing zitao’s hands that were in his.

“i'll come back after one and a half year, and i'll find time to come home as often as i can-considering my schedule, of course-and i will take care of myself so as not to worry everyone.”

everyone had gathered at the airport to send baekhyun off, one by one wishing him good luck and good health. his parents looked over him, proud, and his noona had to hold herself back from crying since it was the first time her brother went somewhere far without her. she was going to miss her baby brother a lot.

yixing shed a tear or two, embracing his best friend and refusing to let go. eventually though, he buried his face in jongin’s shoulder after reluctantly releasing baekhyun from his hold. sehun and luhan both hugged him, whispering gentle, encouraging words. so far, zitao had proved to be the most difficult to part with him, wrapping a hand around his waist to keep him close, waiting until the last call for the passengers to japan to go to the departure gate-

“that’s my flight, zitao.”

zitao nodded, weakly, detaching himself from baekhyun. “go.”

baekhyun smiled, brightly, standing on the tips of his toes to press his lips on zitao’s.

as he turned to wave to his parents and friends for the last time, he realized how lucky he was to have those people in his life. his family, especially, had been the biggest pillar throughout all twenty years, never ceasing their support even in the darkest moments. all those trials in the past had only one purpose; to wake him up and let him know that he wouldn’t be able to find happiness if he clung on to the past forever.

byun baekhyun only wanted to be happy. so he let go of the things that had happened in the past and tried to be happy now.

extra:

it feels like forever since he’s been to korea though it’s only been three months, really. baekhyun's graduated from his postgraduate program now, carrying with him the title of master of arts in international relations. he's also older, and as pleasant as ever, still radiating childishness because of his youthful face. he’s coming home to korea and somehow it makes him nervous - perhaps it’s because there are so many people in the arrival gate, each of them waiting for whoever it is they’re welcoming.

“baekhyun!”

he snaps his head to his right, staring wide-eyed as his family and friends hold different placards in their hands. he breaks into a smile, running over to them and hugging the first person he can reach, which happens to be sehun.

“oh but i see you’ve brought a cutie with you.”

it's then that he feels zitao’s gloomy mood; he’s conveniently forgotten that he’s bringing someone along and zitao’s glare painfully feels like it’s saying you’re going to regret this.

releasing sehun from his oxygen-cutting hug, he turns to his friend and pulls him closer by his shoulders. “everyone, this is cho jinho who used to room with me at the dorm. jino-yah, meet everyone,” he gestures vaguely at the group before them. he can see the twitch on zitao’s eyebrow.

jino smiles and bows politely, introducing himself again. “please call me jino,” he says cutely without any intention of being cute at all (but he’s still cute, so).

he can see everyone’s heart melt into a big puddle of strawberry ice cream.

they're standing in the balcony, the cold winter air ignored as baekhyun leans against the railing, zitao behind him with his hands covering baekhyun’s. the party downstairs is still ongoing but jino has long since turned in, exhausted from the trip. baekhyun has initially fallen asleep on the couch, but was woken up when zitao and yixing carried him to his room. now he’s just having trouble going back to sleep - being too tired does that to him sometimes. baekhyun shifts, leaning his head on zitao’s shoulder.

“i have so many things to tell you.”

“then tell me.”

he shakes his head, a small smile tugging on his lips. “too tired… but there’s one thing i want to say now.”

zitao's kiss to his ear prompts him to turn his head to look straight at those piercing black orbs which will soften whenever he gazes into them.

“i'm glad you’re still mine.”

the younger certainly wasn’t expecting him to say that; his eyes widen a fraction before curving upwards as he smiles.

“i'm glad you’re still mine, too.”

byun baekhyun is home.

--

& brb crying.
& longest oneshot ever omg HOW why did i even vomit words WHY.
& for michelle alexishero bb thank you for putting up with my rants and encouraging me omg why ♥
& also for chloe kuroiimiyumi sobs idek if she'll ever read this BUT she did say that she loves my writing. so.
& based on true story sprinkled with fiction here and there.
& obviously i need to eat an entire dictionary.