CM Fic: "Important Things" (1/1)
Disclaimers: Neither Hotch, nor Garcia, nor cute little Jack Hotchner belong to me; they are the playthings of Bernero, et al. And all the bits of "Where's My Cow" quoted or mangled within belong wholeheartedly to the wonderful Terry Pratchett. I only borrow them affectionately, and make no money off them.
Rating: FRC. Complete fluff.
Genre: Gen,
Spoilers: No specific ones, general for up to 5.19, since it is set int the nebulous near-future.
Characters: Garcia, Jack, Hotch.
Series: Night Watch 'Verse. In spirit, at least.
Note: a) Written after my own copy of WMC? arrived yesterday, and due to some very silly late night Twitter sessions with melliyna and kelachrome . So blame them. :)
Summary: Auntie Penelope reads "Where's My Cow?" to Jack. (The Special Version.)
*******
Penelope Garcia knew that it was possibly an ill-advised idea. But that had never stopped her before. Especially since she had always subscribed to the "Corrupting But Fun Influence" School of Auntie-ing.
Jack certainly hadn't objected. Heck, he had instigated it. And Hotch, she was sure, knew what he was getting into. Especially since he *had* actually let the book stay in the apartment. (Garcia would argue to any comer that "Old Stoneface" had a more mischievous side to him than he ever let on.)
Her opportunity had come on one of Hotch's days off. Which, thank the lords, had been coming with exponentially more frequency than they had the year before. He had made it a three-day weekend, and there were plans for a trip to Shenandoah National Park. Involving biking, nature walks, and (Jack's avowed favorite part) ICE CREAM.
However, during the Year of Practically Living In His Office, a lot of Hotch's personal stuff had migrated into his filing cabinets, and not all of it had migrated back yet. So Hotch was currently gathering the necessary bicycle thingees and park whatchamawhosits. And, who was she kidding, also checking in with the rest of the team.
The younger Hotchner? Well, he currently had his youngest Amateur Auntie wrapped around his little finger. Sitting on her lap, he was showing off his rapidly improving reading skills. Admittedly, he was reading the horrible Engrish grammar on icanhazcheezburger.com, but the skills were nevertheless impressive.
After one particular exhausting laughing session, Jack climbed off her lap, and looked her in the eye. (She should have been warned there, she thought. I think he knows I can't refuse him very much of anything when he gets that 'serious little man' look on his face.)
"Pen'lope, could you read me a book please?"
"Sure, Jack, which one?"
Jack got a big grin on his face, and ran over to the group of bags leaning against her office door. And pulled out a hardcover, with a familiar green and purple color scheme.
Oh dear, Penelope thought inwardly. I know what he wants. But....eh. I can read fast. Maybe we can get through it before Hotch comes back.
"That one?"
"This one."
"All right, Jack, my boy, you've got me. Climb up."
Jack obliged, and the two settled in.
"Where's My Cow?, by Terry Pratchett..."
*****
Jack loved the early bits of the book. Penelope flattered herself that she did the animal noises on the level of one Commander Vimes. Especially the hippopotamus. Always the hippopotamus. And she thought she did a pretty good Vimes, too. A young Pete Postelthwaite, with little touches of Derek Morgan and David Rossi when she thought it appropriate.
And then they got to page 13. (Unlucky number if there ever was one.) She subtly started reading the book as written. But then Jack looked up at her with those big blue eyes, and she was utterly defeated.
"No, Pen'lope! You promised. Please read the special version?"
Penelope looked around as surreptitiously as she could (which was not very), and started in on The Special Version.
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "If you have any information that can help,
please contact the sheriff's office."
That is JJ!
That is not my daddy.
("Is that your daddy, Jack?" No, that's Henry's mommy!")
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Rural males in their forties are
30% more likely to own cows."
That is Spencer!
That is not my daddy.
(Penelope mused on the next one, and then had a flash of inspiration.)
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Me habla espanol, et parler francais,
and I-ay eak-spay ery-vay, ood-gay, ig-pay atin-Lay."
(Jack convulsed into giggles at this, and the next part was spoken in unison.)
That is Emily!
That is not my daddy.
(She was pretty sure Emily could even learn Elvish if you gave her at least an hour.)
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Stop! Stop or I will tackle you
in the name of the law."
That is Derek!
That is not my daddy.
("You know what, Jack? Your Uncle Derek is also one of the smartest men I've ever met.But don't tell him I said that, it'll go to his head.")
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Screw the politics, I don't care
what Strauss thinks."
That is Dave!
That is not my daddy.
("That's one of the ones we don't repeat to Daddy, right Jack?" "Right." "And why?" "Because it will get Auntie Penelope in trouble.")
Jack obviously remembered what was coming next, because his grin grew even wider.
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes "We're from the BAU,
we're here to help."
THAT's my daddy!
"Yaaay!" "Yaaay!"
And just as she finished, a soft voice came from her doorway.
"The, End."
Garcia's head turned so fast, she almost got whiplash. There was the eponymous daddy, leaning...leaning, she would swear, almost casually against her doorjamb.
Jack leaped out of her lap, and up into his father's arms.
"Hey buddy! Did you have a fun time with Penelope?"
"She read me the Special Version!"
"I heard."
Garcia steeled herself for the next question.
"Sir...just about how long were you standing there?"
"Oh, just since 'I will tackle you in the name of the law'."
"Oh dear."
"You do a pretty dead-on impression of Rossi, Garcia."
"But you won't tell him that, right?"
At that, Hotch started smiling.
"Your secret's safe with me."
He turned his attention to the wriggling boy in his arms.
"You ready for our trip, Jack?"
"Ready, Daddy!"
And as Hotch spoke the next sentence, he looked over at Garcia with that all too rare gleam.
"I know Penelope's version is very good, but maybe your Dad could manage a pretty good Special Version too?"
"Def'ntly."
"Say bye, Jack."
"Bye, Penelope."
"See you Monday, Garcia."
"Have fun, Commander...I mean, sir."
And as the two headed out into the hallway, Garcia involuntarily beamed,.
Old Stoneface, indeed.
fin
Rating: FRC. Complete fluff.
Genre: Gen,
Spoilers: No specific ones, general for up to 5.19, since it is set int the nebulous near-future.
Characters: Garcia, Jack, Hotch.
Series: Night Watch 'Verse. In spirit, at least.
Note: a) Written after my own copy of WMC? arrived yesterday, and due to some very silly late night Twitter sessions with melliyna and kelachrome . So blame them. :)
Summary: Auntie Penelope reads "Where's My Cow?" to Jack. (The Special Version.)
*******
Penelope Garcia knew that it was possibly an ill-advised idea. But that had never stopped her before. Especially since she had always subscribed to the "Corrupting But Fun Influence" School of Auntie-ing.
Jack certainly hadn't objected. Heck, he had instigated it. And Hotch, she was sure, knew what he was getting into. Especially since he *had* actually let the book stay in the apartment. (Garcia would argue to any comer that "Old Stoneface" had a more mischievous side to him than he ever let on.)
Her opportunity had come on one of Hotch's days off. Which, thank the lords, had been coming with exponentially more frequency than they had the year before. He had made it a three-day weekend, and there were plans for a trip to Shenandoah National Park. Involving biking, nature walks, and (Jack's avowed favorite part) ICE CREAM.
However, during the Year of Practically Living In His Office, a lot of Hotch's personal stuff had migrated into his filing cabinets, and not all of it had migrated back yet. So Hotch was currently gathering the necessary bicycle thingees and park whatchamawhosits. And, who was she kidding, also checking in with the rest of the team.
The younger Hotchner? Well, he currently had his youngest Amateur Auntie wrapped around his little finger. Sitting on her lap, he was showing off his rapidly improving reading skills. Admittedly, he was reading the horrible Engrish grammar on icanhazcheezburger.com, but the skills were nevertheless impressive.
After one particular exhausting laughing session, Jack climbed off her lap, and looked her in the eye. (She should have been warned there, she thought. I think he knows I can't refuse him very much of anything when he gets that 'serious little man' look on his face.)
"Pen'lope, could you read me a book please?"
"Sure, Jack, which one?"
Jack got a big grin on his face, and ran over to the group of bags leaning against her office door. And pulled out a hardcover, with a familiar green and purple color scheme.
Oh dear, Penelope thought inwardly. I know what he wants. But....eh. I can read fast. Maybe we can get through it before Hotch comes back.
"That one?"
"This one."
"All right, Jack, my boy, you've got me. Climb up."
Jack obliged, and the two settled in.
"Where's My Cow?, by Terry Pratchett..."
*****
Jack loved the early bits of the book. Penelope flattered herself that she did the animal noises on the level of one Commander Vimes. Especially the hippopotamus. Always the hippopotamus. And she thought she did a pretty good Vimes, too. A young Pete Postelthwaite, with little touches of Derek Morgan and David Rossi when she thought it appropriate.
And then they got to page 13. (Unlucky number if there ever was one.) She subtly started reading the book as written. But then Jack looked up at her with those big blue eyes, and she was utterly defeated.
"No, Pen'lope! You promised. Please read the special version?"
Penelope looked around as surreptitiously as she could (which was not very), and started in on The Special Version.
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "If you have any information that can help,
please contact the sheriff's office."
That is JJ!
That is not my daddy.
("Is that your daddy, Jack?" No, that's Henry's mommy!")
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Rural males in their forties are
30% more likely to own cows."
That is Spencer!
That is not my daddy.
(Penelope mused on the next one, and then had a flash of inspiration.)
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Me habla espanol, et parler francais,
and I-ay eak-spay ery-vay, ood-gay, ig-pay atin-Lay."
(Jack convulsed into giggles at this, and the next part was spoken in unison.)
That is Emily!
That is not my daddy.
(She was pretty sure Emily could even learn Elvish if you gave her at least an hour.)
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Stop! Stop or I will tackle you
in the name of the law."
That is Derek!
That is not my daddy.
("You know what, Jack? Your Uncle Derek is also one of the smartest men I've ever met.But don't tell him I said that, it'll go to his head.")
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes, "Screw the politics, I don't care
what Strauss thinks."
That is Dave!
That is not my daddy.
("That's one of the ones we don't repeat to Daddy, right Jack?" "Right." "And why?" "Because it will get Auntie Penelope in trouble.")
Jack obviously remembered what was coming next, because his grin grew even wider.
Where's my daddy?
Is that my daddy?
It goes "We're from the BAU,
we're here to help."
THAT's my daddy!
"Yaaay!" "Yaaay!"
And just as she finished, a soft voice came from her doorway.
"The, End."
Garcia's head turned so fast, she almost got whiplash. There was the eponymous daddy, leaning...leaning, she would swear, almost casually against her doorjamb.
Jack leaped out of her lap, and up into his father's arms.
"Hey buddy! Did you have a fun time with Penelope?"
"She read me the Special Version!"
"I heard."
Garcia steeled herself for the next question.
"Sir...just about how long were you standing there?"
"Oh, just since 'I will tackle you in the name of the law'."
"Oh dear."
"You do a pretty dead-on impression of Rossi, Garcia."
"But you won't tell him that, right?"
At that, Hotch started smiling.
"Your secret's safe with me."
He turned his attention to the wriggling boy in his arms.
"You ready for our trip, Jack?"
"Ready, Daddy!"
And as Hotch spoke the next sentence, he looked over at Garcia with that all too rare gleam.
"I know Penelope's version is very good, but maybe your Dad could manage a pretty good Special Version too?"
"Def'ntly."
"Say bye, Jack."
"Bye, Penelope."
"See you Monday, Garcia."
"Have fun, Commander...I mean, sir."
And as the two headed out into the hallway, Garcia involuntarily beamed,.
Old Stoneface, indeed.
fin