Day 1 - STILL DAY 1?!?
This day seems to never end. I've been up since 7 am of yesterday and it's 7 pm today. It seems as if time itself is slowing down to watch my suffering. After an entire day of thinking about all of this, and talking to her a little about the situation, I realize that I don't know if I could take her back. I'd want to, but I'm afraid I'd feel like I'm the guy she "settles for" because she can't find anything better. I don't want that. She told me earlier she "made a mistake...she messed up...she wasn't thinking..." but she didn't make any attempt to try and get me back. Didn't make any attempt to tell me that she knows now that she loves me. Nothing has changed. She never changes. I changed for her. I changed my entire way of life. I based my life off of her. I spent my every breath thinking of her...dreaming of her...wanting her to be happy. And she throws it back in my face without a second thought. She might regret it but what is regret if you're not willing to make up for it. Can she even make up for this? Even if I do take her back, will we ever be like we used to be? Will I always be haunted by the thought of her leaving me again at the drop of a hat? Will I be replaced by some better looking, rich, well-manned, and romantic guy that comes along? For once in 14 months I want to know "What about me?". What about my feelings? What about my wants and my dreams and my goals and my hopes? When is it my time to feel loved? When is it my time to BE loved? Can't anyone see how hurt I am? Can't anyone FEEL how hurt I am? When will it end? When will I be happy again? Can I be happy again? How could I possibly be happy again? Where do I go from here? Why me? Why now? What did I do wrong? Why all the sudden? I thought things were going fine. I thought we were happy. I thought she was The One. She is mine, but it takes 2 to think it for them to be The One. Am I not her One? Does all the talk of weddings and children and future plans made for each other and colleges picked out so we can live together mean nothing now? What about my parents invitation for her to live with me after she turns 18? What about all my sacrifices? Tears are coming back. I need to lay down again. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I can't sleep without her. I cuddle my pillow and imagine it's her like I always do. But the pillow want's someone else now. My comfort is gone. My ability to sleep is gone. I won't be able to sleep without her in my arms. I'll die before I can. Crying too much now.
I miss you........
I miss you........