it all boils down to this....
my entire life i have tried not to have anyone hate me or dis like me. i have always tried to get along with everyone! it seems like i have failed myself! i cant hold my shit together and people have seen that. that is a weak area where no one is supposed to see. im beating myself up over letting me out and its like i have a wild animal inside of me ready to just fucking tear me on the outside to shreds. well me and kelsey arent talking still and i cant fix that. there is nothing i can do to fix that. she probably feels better not being my friend. jared used to be my bestfriend who i told everything to who understood me and now i dont even have him. i dont even understand me anymore. i used to feel like i had sometimes undercontrol. you can never have everything undercontrol. i try not to care and i just bluid it up and i cant help but fucking lose it. either alone or in front of someone. here i am crying because someone just yelled at me for giving my damn opinion and i cant help but try and help people when all i did was try and help him. i miss not being close to god! i dont even go to church i cant even stand being there. i just hit myself on something really hard and i cant even feel the pain...whats wrong with me?! i had a job interview today and i just kinda felt like i blew it. i mean i'm always tryin to do the right thing when what is the right thing anymore. it normally always ends up being the right thing to one person and pissing someone else off. why do i feel this way. im crying so much right now. i looked really good i felt good about today. and here i am crying crazly! i said something to kristina to try and stick up for someone else and fuck they just went off on me for tryin to stick up for them! what did i do? why did i feel the need to do that? i mean now here i am beating myself up over it. jared and kristina are going out and idk im tryin so hard to just put a smile on my face and help her out in anyway. try and be happy for her. she has always hated me im sure when it came to boys. i mean i guess now i know how she felt to have had a boyfriend cheat on her with me. fuck this hurts. its tearing me appart. i used to just want a happy family and home. i cant tell kelsey that i like thats what i like about sunday song because it reminds me of a time where my family used to go to church and i used to be blind to the horrible things in life. i used to dream of the perfect family. i used to dream of parents that cared about eachother where they would each go to work and miss eachother like crazy through the day. then come home and mom making dinner and dad watching tv with the kids or watching sports. then us kids playing outside til it was time to come in for dinner and we all sit down at the table and eat together pray together and then talk about our days, no one in a bad mood because we just accomplished what it was we had to do. mom and dad not have many finacial problems. where i could say i needed new shoes and then not get yelled at for me wearing them out so fast and us not having any money to buy them. then them being so proud of us just for going to school. then us get grounded for us doing wrong instead of getting a guilt trip that would last a life time. or it being a sunday and us barqueing on a sunny day and again just a family fun because we had been away from eachohter the entire day. i hated us hating eachother, then no disapline in our family then us not having parents that even pushed us to try in school. where did we go wrong? i feel like i want to find the right guy to have that perfect family and i just dont know if i will ever be able to find someone to be that close to when im so scared just to be with someone and then me looking the way i do. and then being uncontrollably emotional? i basically dropped out of school for the rest of this year and im screwed. when i was batised idk what i was thinking, maybe the hope that god would become a bigger part of my heart. idk my pastor tells me that our family has big hearts but we just dont use them in the right way. i mean i have a life long dream of changing the world in even the smallest grain but still changing something! there is so many bad people out there who are just miserable but just like trafic where does it begin? if someone could see the beging then maybe something could be done. i remember even one part of me that used to be happy and hopeful about family. it was when my older sisters would have to take care of me. i thought us as sisters would always have eachothers backs, but something there went wrong too and now im no where close to being a sister to them...im just someone they know and have lived with thier entire life with. anyways idk what to think or feel or do anymore i think i might actually go and drink some alcohol. i have a stomach ache right now but my mom doesnt want to see that its an ulser. but w/e alcohol is just gonna make it worse but it will make me feel a bit better. anyways ttyl fran