(no subject)
I don't know what i am doing anymore...
I'm just so scared all the time cause i just don't know what to do. I feel like lately it is going to be impossible for me to live on my own and go to college at the same time. And i think i came to that conclusion and i hate it, cause i don't know what to do from here. Living with my mom isn't an option for me anymore. like my mom would always let me move back home, so i guess it is. but like i feel bad saying this, but i am so much better off now that i don't live with my mom and that level of stress. Just all this huge drama over the wedding, and always asking to borrow money from me, and if i don't have it to give to her, or don't want to cause she spends it on frivolous things, and things i don't agree with, then i get this big guilt trip/lecture and like she just pesters me sometimes. like i can tell she just wants to pick a fight and thats it. and thats not a mentality i can move back into. which leads me back into the situation, i don't think i can afford college and live on my own at the same time.
I am scared all the time when i think about my future. I don't know what i am gonna do. I'm not good at anything. like even if i afforded college, I wasn't that great at college, and i struggled all the time through it just to have grades somewhere between a B-D+ depending on how hard the course is. Even if i studied or put alot of work into it. but then not going to college is so much worse. Cause you just can't do anything.
Like what if my life never gets any better then what it is right now? I saw that brea wrote that she was looking through her old live journal entries so i started looking through her old live journal entries from like high school, and life seemed so much easier then, and i just feel like i had alot more opportunity then. Dating her was the best thing i have ever did with my life. And that wasn't meant to be which is fine. like i don't look back and wish i was still dating her because we had problems, but when i dated her, not only did i have someone to be there for me as i went through stuff like this, i feel like i had better opportunities. It's because of her i wanted to go to college in the first place. Its because of her i moved out of my moms house. I just was a better person with her, and had more opportunity and maybe even more ambition. Plus i had fun with her. I honestly wish so much happiness and good things on her, and i can't wait to see her dreams come true after she gets into grad school. If anyone deserves them its her, because i can honestly say my life has been better because she was in it. and not just her, her but her brother and her mom as well.
I dunno, i just am scared, and i don't know what i am going to do. I can't seem to stop crying today when i think about it, which i hate crying. Like i don't look down upon crying, but like it doesn't make me look cool, and i don't feel better when i do it. I hate feeling that vulnerable. I dunno, but the one thing i do have is time to figure this stuff out. I got till May till my lease is up, to figure out where i am gonna live and how i will support myself, cause its not like i am not able to support myself now. all my bills are paid on time, and i don't have problem paying them, but i don't seem to be able to better myself either and i absolutely hate that. I can barely save any money, which what i do save is going to go towards a car, and i just feel like again i can't be on my own and go to school at the same time. Cause i am not smart enough to get a scholarship, and I can't get student loans on myself, and thoose freak the hell out of me anyways. I sometime feel really envious of everyone and i hate that too. Like i hate the people who if your car breaks down to the point it is undriveable, you know your parents will be able to pay for it. and whose parents have good enough credit to cosign your student cosign stuff for you. I get so envious and then i feel bad, because with all my friends i want good things for them, and i feel bad that even for a second, I wish they knew how lucky they were. There my friends, and one thing i learned from Mr. Curtis in highschool who everyone hated, but i never really did, but he told me you look for friends who are better then you. and that was a new concept for me my freshman year because i had a lot of friends who were like me that i wouldn't say were better or worse. But he was right about that and I am glad for all my friends who are able to do what they want, and i am happy they have the opportunity to follow there dreams, but why do i get so jealous sometimes. How much opportunity they have and it bothers me so much when I start to feel that way. and i absolutely hate seeing friends who have the opportuinity and they just waste it.
I dunno. I need to end this thing on a positive note, because the whole purpose of this isn't just to have a pity party or anything. I dunno, the one thing i do have though on my side is time. i do have time to figure things out, and its not like i am failing at life and losing my apartment or James or anything. my world isn't crashing, its just no longer spinning. I just feel like i am stuck treading water and not really doing anything and i hate that more then failing. that why i switched my jobs, cause i hate being complacent with where i am at. and i just don't feel like i am good at anything, but i know i have more potential then where i am at now, and i just scared, what if i never reach that potential i see in myself. and that is a very scary thing to me. and then i look back at the times, where i feel like i was doing something, and i just get sad. but i feel just writing this all out has helped, even if no one reads it. I just need to figure out what i am doing. and all this uncertanty is very scary to me. like even when i quit my job to move to mount pleasant in with my girlfriend who though i loved, we had broken up several times before, and got into our fair share of fights. I moved in to a new apartment with new bills (all of which were in my name) and had roommates i hated, and didn't really have anything going for me, other then i was with Brea. I still was sure i was doing the right thing being there with no way of knowing how i would be able to afford any of it, and everything somehow worked out. I just feel like my problem is, i am not sure i am doing the right thing anymore, and i don't know what the right thing is. I just hope i find it soon...
I'm just so scared all the time cause i just don't know what to do. I feel like lately it is going to be impossible for me to live on my own and go to college at the same time. And i think i came to that conclusion and i hate it, cause i don't know what to do from here. Living with my mom isn't an option for me anymore. like my mom would always let me move back home, so i guess it is. but like i feel bad saying this, but i am so much better off now that i don't live with my mom and that level of stress. Just all this huge drama over the wedding, and always asking to borrow money from me, and if i don't have it to give to her, or don't want to cause she spends it on frivolous things, and things i don't agree with, then i get this big guilt trip/lecture and like she just pesters me sometimes. like i can tell she just wants to pick a fight and thats it. and thats not a mentality i can move back into. which leads me back into the situation, i don't think i can afford college and live on my own at the same time.
I am scared all the time when i think about my future. I don't know what i am gonna do. I'm not good at anything. like even if i afforded college, I wasn't that great at college, and i struggled all the time through it just to have grades somewhere between a B-D+ depending on how hard the course is. Even if i studied or put alot of work into it. but then not going to college is so much worse. Cause you just can't do anything.
Like what if my life never gets any better then what it is right now? I saw that brea wrote that she was looking through her old live journal entries so i started looking through her old live journal entries from like high school, and life seemed so much easier then, and i just feel like i had alot more opportunity then. Dating her was the best thing i have ever did with my life. And that wasn't meant to be which is fine. like i don't look back and wish i was still dating her because we had problems, but when i dated her, not only did i have someone to be there for me as i went through stuff like this, i feel like i had better opportunities. It's because of her i wanted to go to college in the first place. Its because of her i moved out of my moms house. I just was a better person with her, and had more opportunity and maybe even more ambition. Plus i had fun with her. I honestly wish so much happiness and good things on her, and i can't wait to see her dreams come true after she gets into grad school. If anyone deserves them its her, because i can honestly say my life has been better because she was in it. and not just her, her but her brother and her mom as well.
I dunno, i just am scared, and i don't know what i am going to do. I can't seem to stop crying today when i think about it, which i hate crying. Like i don't look down upon crying, but like it doesn't make me look cool, and i don't feel better when i do it. I hate feeling that vulnerable. I dunno, but the one thing i do have is time to figure this stuff out. I got till May till my lease is up, to figure out where i am gonna live and how i will support myself, cause its not like i am not able to support myself now. all my bills are paid on time, and i don't have problem paying them, but i don't seem to be able to better myself either and i absolutely hate that. I can barely save any money, which what i do save is going to go towards a car, and i just feel like again i can't be on my own and go to school at the same time. Cause i am not smart enough to get a scholarship, and I can't get student loans on myself, and thoose freak the hell out of me anyways. I sometime feel really envious of everyone and i hate that too. Like i hate the people who if your car breaks down to the point it is undriveable, you know your parents will be able to pay for it. and whose parents have good enough credit to cosign your student cosign stuff for you. I get so envious and then i feel bad, because with all my friends i want good things for them, and i feel bad that even for a second, I wish they knew how lucky they were. There my friends, and one thing i learned from Mr. Curtis in highschool who everyone hated, but i never really did, but he told me you look for friends who are better then you. and that was a new concept for me my freshman year because i had a lot of friends who were like me that i wouldn't say were better or worse. But he was right about that and I am glad for all my friends who are able to do what they want, and i am happy they have the opportunity to follow there dreams, but why do i get so jealous sometimes. How much opportunity they have and it bothers me so much when I start to feel that way. and i absolutely hate seeing friends who have the opportuinity and they just waste it.
I dunno. I need to end this thing on a positive note, because the whole purpose of this isn't just to have a pity party or anything. I dunno, the one thing i do have though on my side is time. i do have time to figure things out, and its not like i am failing at life and losing my apartment or James or anything. my world isn't crashing, its just no longer spinning. I just feel like i am stuck treading water and not really doing anything and i hate that more then failing. that why i switched my jobs, cause i hate being complacent with where i am at. and i just don't feel like i am good at anything, but i know i have more potential then where i am at now, and i just scared, what if i never reach that potential i see in myself. and that is a very scary thing to me. and then i look back at the times, where i feel like i was doing something, and i just get sad. but i feel just writing this all out has helped, even if no one reads it. I just need to figure out what i am doing. and all this uncertanty is very scary to me. like even when i quit my job to move to mount pleasant in with my girlfriend who though i loved, we had broken up several times before, and got into our fair share of fights. I moved in to a new apartment with new bills (all of which were in my name) and had roommates i hated, and didn't really have anything going for me, other then i was with Brea. I still was sure i was doing the right thing being there with no way of knowing how i would be able to afford any of it, and everything somehow worked out. I just feel like my problem is, i am not sure i am doing the right thing anymore, and i don't know what the right thing is. I just hope i find it soon...