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[beyondtragedy]

Its funny how small my life has gotten, not that I mind. Scale doesnt really matter, I mean we still go through the same emotions. And I cant really make any resolutions about anything, because what is true seems to change every day, and all plans fade away as you are lead where you go. I do think in the end everyone gets what they want. What do I

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[beyondtragedy]

I am amazed at how well this online thing is working! Thank you for your thoughts! And I think I would have to disagree with you because it seems like you have the power to do a lot. Or this is how I think about it. Its like your awareness is just a light and light doesnt really need to do anything it just makes things more clear and when they are understood they just untie themselves and go away of their own accord. " When light comes, it is not as if it is any effort to make the darkness go. It must go! It cannot stay!" I liked what you said about feelings and then trying to be objective. It seems to me like they are the difference between warm and cool. LIke the feelings and honesty are about love and connection and the objectivity is about having a clear mind. For me I think the second one is more my mode of operating right now, but perhaps that is because I do feel scared of people in some ways, or like I dont trust feeling to lead to a healthy place. How do you like to be with people?

Pain is strange huh? So elusive. I always feel after I had a hard day of struggling and then it is over and I say to myself what was that all for? It almost feels like dream pain. I mean it cant in any way touch or hurt the real part of ourselves and yet we do suffer for it, but only because we cant hold ourselves up to not view it as painful. Do you think pain can be helpful?

[beyondtragedy]

Wouldn't people have to be operating on similar frequencies in order for the light to be absorbed, or awareness understood? It just seems like a lot of the time people are so caught up in their own issues that in order for any light to reach them they'd have to first be shaken or struck by some outside force strong enough to break down the walls set up around them that reflect light as a matter of course.

I appreciate both the thinking and feeling, and prefer the two balanced with people I'm close to. Of course before I can get close to someone I need to have a decent idea of who and how they are and be confident that we're compatible on the bases of how we think about things and how we experience and handle the emotional realm. My experience is that it's fun and exciting to be vulnerable with someone. I'm not so scared at that point because I feel comfortable, happy, and loving in the relationship. I do tend to be very guarded in the beginning with most people, though.
I'm curious as to how feeling has lead to an unhealthy place for you (presuming it has). I think it has for me before, in getting way too caught up in a relationship I shouldn't have had in the first place.

It's hard to think of pain itself as being helpful, or at least while one is experiencing it. "Helpful" also implies that one has some sort of goal.. that pain would help one accomplish something. If experiencing less pain in the future is considered desirable, then I think some pain in the present could be helpful. In this case the more intense and long-lasting the pain, the better. Trials met after recovering from this pain would likely seem lesser, no? One might feel more appreciative of the absence of pain, and stronger from having endured it. Also it seems to have a maturing effect. But if you let yourself be trapped in a painful place and get comfortable there then I think that would be harmful, unless the goal is to resist change, however that goal would seem to be based in fear and a lack of hope.
"Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it." I guess I agree with John Donne on this (though not the part about it leading one closer to God.) Maybe what I basically think is that pain can teach us.

[beyondtragedy]

Do you ever feel like you try so hard to be present and conscious and that you still dont know if you are happier for it? sometimes i feel like i make up all these rules of what i can and cannot do and just end up feeling restricted instead of liberated. like back to the first thing you said about being isolated from other people. i dont want to feel like i know something and they do not or feel like i have to constantly observe myself like i dont trust my own intentions. i guess it is just the balance between watching but at the same time being able to live spontaneously without stopping yourself.what do you think?

[beyondtragedy]

what kinds of things do you tell yourself you can't do, and why? Are you trying to conform to some way of living that doesn't really fit with what you want for yourself? Where are the rules coming from?

I don't do very well trying to be especially present and conscious, usually. I think of them as helping you be calm and peaceful, not really happy. It seems to me that simply being present doesn't have to come with any emotions, however if you are happy then I think that involves being present.

I wonder if you fully accept yourself as you are and have compassion for yourself, that you won't have to worry about keeping tabs on what you do so much. You can just trust that you'll always do as best you can, and if later on you think you made a "mistake" you could forgive yourself and take it as a learning experience. I would fear stopping yourself too often or soon more than taking a risk that might break one of your rules.

also isn't watching yourself about not being so identified with the mind, and isn't it the mind that is making rules? so maybe in watching yourself you shouldn't be thinking about codes of conduct, but instead just let yourself live. your subconscious will be helping you make decisions always, so perhaps the best thing is to quiet the conscious judgments

I don't know, just putting it out there