(no subject)
I love it when people see I have a brain. I have a mind that works that goes to little places most don't think of. Because while I love to disctract with my wonderfully full boobs, I think a love of my mind is more fulfilling. Sure it takes longer, but once it's there, I don't think it goes away. I never talk to Phil anymore. We got lost in life from each other. But I'd like to kid myself into thinking he still remembers me as much as I remember him. And of course my charming friend Susan, who went from an annoyomous screen name to a real friend- even if we don't find the time for each other like we used to.
I wish I could just lock myself in a room until I crank out a long and wonderous journal entry to really tap into those more "grown up" fears that I may have. The roads less traveled, the "am I going to make this life count" dread and of course the quest for a legacy. Everyone wants a legacy. Even those who don't feel they deserve it. I feel so inadequate sometimes that it comes as a shock. I don't know where it comes from but it sneaks up to tap my shoulder. Like no matter what I'm doing, I could and should be doing better. Could I meet all of my life goals and still feel this way or would I die happy? And to reach those goals, what would I have to do? More than humanly possible I'm sure.
I let so many outside factors influence my self worth. Although as opposed to what damaged it in high school, its more domestic things that affect me.
I do miss being surrounded by men like I was in jobs before. Girls just don't bullshit like guys do. I love being the only girl. It just always makes for a good time. And when people see that side of me, when I start to open up it's rewarding to see the light in their eyes change. It dawns on them that I can be more than the girl in the corner. And it's even better if that gleam in the eye holds some kind of attraction. Although I don't pride myself on knowing when someone is interested, I think I saw last night that if two major factors had not been there things could have happened that the old me would have loved. But the factors existed and I do love mine. But sometimes the question is raised. What if.
What if. Two of the most confusing, annoying, thought provoking words in the English language. it's enough to drive you to drink- or insane wondering what else is out there. Is it better? Is it different? is it worth it? Or would you just want the other thing you didn't have? Nothing good ever comes out of a sentance that starts with What If. That's what I learned. Just torment.
I wish I could just lock myself in a room until I crank out a long and wonderous journal entry to really tap into those more "grown up" fears that I may have. The roads less traveled, the "am I going to make this life count" dread and of course the quest for a legacy. Everyone wants a legacy. Even those who don't feel they deserve it. I feel so inadequate sometimes that it comes as a shock. I don't know where it comes from but it sneaks up to tap my shoulder. Like no matter what I'm doing, I could and should be doing better. Could I meet all of my life goals and still feel this way or would I die happy? And to reach those goals, what would I have to do? More than humanly possible I'm sure.
I let so many outside factors influence my self worth. Although as opposed to what damaged it in high school, its more domestic things that affect me.
I do miss being surrounded by men like I was in jobs before. Girls just don't bullshit like guys do. I love being the only girl. It just always makes for a good time. And when people see that side of me, when I start to open up it's rewarding to see the light in their eyes change. It dawns on them that I can be more than the girl in the corner. And it's even better if that gleam in the eye holds some kind of attraction. Although I don't pride myself on knowing when someone is interested, I think I saw last night that if two major factors had not been there things could have happened that the old me would have loved. But the factors existed and I do love mine. But sometimes the question is raised. What if.
What if. Two of the most confusing, annoying, thought provoking words in the English language. it's enough to drive you to drink- or insane wondering what else is out there. Is it better? Is it different? is it worth it? Or would you just want the other thing you didn't have? Nothing good ever comes out of a sentance that starts with What If. That's what I learned. Just torment.