Jan 24, 2006 23:33
Meh.. I'm so tired of being grumpy at home. Lately, my mood goes from happy to just grumpy/bitchy when I go home. I feel so trapped right now. I love my Mom, and sisters more then words can explain. But at the same time I just feel trapped and suffocated by them. I know its a horrible thing to say and it doesn't mean they are doing any one thing particular to make me feel this way. It’s more of a general need to be independent, not have to worry about kids, pick-ups, cheerleading practice, drama practice, in other words, things that parents have to worry about. I'm 19 years old and I feel like I have to plan my life around everyone else as if I'm the other parent to my sisters/nanny.
With my dad gone, I guess I pick up the job that he abandoned. I feel resentment towards him in a sense I suppose and maybe a bit towards my sister (as odd as that sounds). To explain this, I just feel like in a sense I'm missing out on college the way I missed out on high school. I want to join clubs, be active in things for my major, make new friends, attend events, but I never can. I have to be home to baby-sit and then schedule time in between to see other people. It just seems a little unfair that for the last 6 years I have been a constant and never-ending babysitter/parent and have given up so much in the process, I feel a little upset and envious because I know that when my sisters go to college, it will be the real deal. Dorming, meeting new people, college experiences, living on your own, experiencing life on your own for the first time, etc.
These days I’m lucky if I get one weekend night to myself and normally I have to rush home the next morning to baby-sit. I go from work to babysitting 2 or 3 times a week. Let me tell you after working with kids, then going home, doing homework with my sisters, listening to constant bickering between my sisters, cooking dinner, putting my sisters to bed; you have no motivation to sit down and read a textbook. This is another reason why I feel so trapped.
I can’t focus at home. On the weekends there are kids running in and out of the house, playing games, listening to music loud; not the best environment to learn about the science of how speech is produced or the language development of the human species. During the week is pretty much work and babysitting; and as explained the tiredness comes after. I can’t concentrate here. When I’m by myself, I just want to enjoy the fact that no one is around to ask a question during the middle of a TV show, anime, listening to a CD, showering, etc.
I’m sure your reading this going, well if you hate it so much just move out! Its easier said then done. My mom has such a tight grip on me it seems. She hates the idea of me leaving. As most mothers would, but I mean hates it. Every time I even mention the idea of moving out, she freaks out. Telling me that is not what I expect, I’ll have to work 40 hours, my grades will drop, etc. There is NO money for her to have me move out! None, I’m just lucky right now that she is helping with my car.
I would love more then anything to move closer to school. But like I said NO money will come from my mom for rent. I thought for a couple of weeks that it might be possible and I even thought of bringing it up to her. But my house decided to take a crap on me. First my sisters beds had to be replaced, then our oven died, now our air conditioner is slowly crapping out, on top of that there are lawyer fees, tax professional fees, mortgage, food, etc. So my next thought is my grandparents. They have a bit of money between them with pensions and retirement, but on the other hand they just remodeled a quite a bit of their house. I don’t know how to ask for money and I really don’t feel proper asking for money from my grandparents for something as silly as moving out of my house. As far as a loan, I would rather save the loans for graduate school, since I really have no choice but to go to graduate school so I can advance in my career.
Thus, I remain at home. My sisters are just kids I know, but I’ve been doing the whole parent thing since I was 15/16 years old. I’m only 19 years old. I just want a bit of time to be 19 years old. To wake up, not worry about cramming babysitting, work, school, picking up kids, fitting all of that in. I know there are always things that we have to fit in. But at 19 years old I feel like they should be fitting in studying, catching up with people, shopping for food to fill my refrigerator, basically trying to take my first steps into adulthood and being on my own.
As selfish as it sounds, I should not have to do my dad’s job. And I’ve been doing his job for 5 years or so now. It just seems like by the time I get to be on my own, its like I’m going to have to start my career, family, etc.
I’m sure everyone now finds me selfish and shallow. I hope that you all don’t. I’m honestly just frustrated and on the brink of tears. I want let my mom know all of this, but I feel like I can’t. Not with the way things are right now. The divorce pending, things falling apart at our house, Christmas expenses that still need to be paid, etc. I feel so lucky that my mom has been so understanding about a lot of changes in my life since I entered college, but at the same time, I need some space from all of this to be on my own, before the rest of my life and all those pressures come crashing on top of me.
That was a bit of an entry. This has been weighing on my mind for a couple of weeks and I guess I just cracked tonight. I’m so tired, but I push to keep going. It feels a bit better to just write what’s on my mind. Other then all of this, everything else is great. School is keeping me busy and Paul is still the most amazing boyfriend. Just frustration of wanting to be independent often builds up and errupts.