I need you so much closer....
I have the worst timing in the world. It figures that you come back around not even a full 12 hours after I've crossed the line and had sex with someone else. I finally thought I was over you, I finally thought I could walk away and never look back. I was ready to leave you in the past and move on the only way I know how. I'm not proud of myself, but I don't think I regret it either. You were right when you said I deserve more. Not that he's any better than you are... if anything, he's worse. But I'm not looking for your replacement, I was looking for someone who could make me feel needed for 5 minutes. Someone that calls me on the weekend because he wants to hang out with me. Someone who would remember a date, even in the face of stress and tragedy, and at the very least apologize for missing it. I'm not proud of it, and know that it probably won't happen again, but also know that I'm not sorry. One night of good times does not make up for a year of bad ones. One night of choosing me over your bar buddies doesn't exempt you for the next month. I've made it perfectly clear how I feel about everything -- you, our relationship, everything. I know I can't change you, and I accept that, but I won't stick around and put up with your shit in return for one good night every now and then. It doesn't work that way. I know things are hard for you right now, and I know I'm probably not making them any easier, but I can't help you if you don't let me. And I don't want to lie to you, but I'm tired of having these conversations with you only to see that nothing's changed. We're running in circles and I'm starting to believe that we'll never break out of that. I can't stay with you.
But when I think about never sleeping next to you, never dancing around drunk with you, never sitting on my car at the top of Campbell looking down over the city, never being with you ever again... no matter how mad or frustrated I get, I can't handle that thought. I guess what gets to me is that I don't understand how you can be so blasè about this whole thing. I don't think you care if we don't talk for 3 days, or if we go two weeks without sleeping in the same bed, or if I don't call when I say I'm going to... or if I sleep with other people. But I CARE, and I want you to. I want you to care, and you don't. And there's not shit that I can do about that.
I wish I could change things. Short of that, I wish I had the strength to tell you all this. But in the end, I know that even if I did it wouldn't make a difference. I need you right now, no matter what you do and no matter what I say. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't leave you, even though it's what's best for both of us. So until one of us gets stronger, I guess we'll continue in our circle, you running and me constantly trying to catch up. Turns out that's all we know how to do.
But when I think about never sleeping next to you, never dancing around drunk with you, never sitting on my car at the top of Campbell looking down over the city, never being with you ever again... no matter how mad or frustrated I get, I can't handle that thought. I guess what gets to me is that I don't understand how you can be so blasè about this whole thing. I don't think you care if we don't talk for 3 days, or if we go two weeks without sleeping in the same bed, or if I don't call when I say I'm going to... or if I sleep with other people. But I CARE, and I want you to. I want you to care, and you don't. And there's not shit that I can do about that.
I wish I could change things. Short of that, I wish I had the strength to tell you all this. But in the end, I know that even if I did it wouldn't make a difference. I need you right now, no matter what you do and no matter what I say. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't leave you, even though it's what's best for both of us. So until one of us gets stronger, I guess we'll continue in our circle, you running and me constantly trying to catch up. Turns out that's all we know how to do.