...i know what i should do but i just can't walk away
There's definitely something wrong when I willingly stay up until 3 a.m. cleaning my house because sleep sounds just as unappealing. I have no idea when the last time was that I slept normal hours, but it's been a while. Actually, I can't remember the last time I felt like a normal human being... I feel like medication has taken a hold of my body and I no longer have any control whatsoever. I finally got off Paxil, thank goodness, but I went through some nasty withdrawal stuff coming off of it. I started Wellbutrin on Thursday thinking everything would somehow magically get better, but if anything, it's gotten worse. I can't take the thought of switching medications AGAIN, but I don't think Wellbutrin is the answer. The anxiety is back in a big way, which probably has a lot to do with my lack of sleep, and I've somehow managed to convince myself of all kinds of obscure things since quitting the meds for anxiety... I decided the crazy Mexican t-loc that hit me was coming after me, I decided I was pregnant and/or had cancer, and I've decided that Scott and I are over about 6 times (then decided that we're not over just as many). The dreams haven't gone away either, they've gotten somewhat less dark but they're still annoying. I'm starting to think I'm just crazy.
I just want to feel normal again. I've been sick for a week plus and I can't figure out if it's from the medication or if I really am just sick. I'm not sure which I'm actually hoping for at this point.
So two more days until the end of the semester. One class tomorrow, two on Wednesday, and that's it. I'm stoked to get out of Tucson, the last few weeks have made me hate this hell hole even more than I thought possible... but I'm definitely not ready to go back to Olympia. I feel like I really need to take some time this summer to relax, figure out what's going on with me, try to get back some sense of who I am, just give myself a break for a few months. As much as I feel like that would fix things, I can't really see my parents understanding any of it and accepting me not working/travelling/being a bum for that time. It'll be interesting to see how that one plays out...
I really need to stop getting wasted and ending up at Scott's. He's made it perfectly clear, verbally and non, that what he said six weeks ago still stands. So why are we doing this to ourselves? I don't know what it is about him that keeps me coming back and torturing myself, but the thought of walking away is too much to take. It's over... but it just can't be over. Not being with him just doesn't feel right. I know there's other guys, I've gone on ish-dates and even kissed a few of them, but I can't shake that feeling at the end of the night that I should be with him. My toothbrush is still in his bathroom, I still sleep in his favorite pajamas, he still gives me the sad-face look and the lingering kisses every time I leave... everything just feels so right when we're together, and so very wrong when we're not. I hate it.
I know what's gonna happen, and it kills me.
Fuck. I'm gonna go cry now.
I just want to feel normal again. I've been sick for a week plus and I can't figure out if it's from the medication or if I really am just sick. I'm not sure which I'm actually hoping for at this point.
So two more days until the end of the semester. One class tomorrow, two on Wednesday, and that's it. I'm stoked to get out of Tucson, the last few weeks have made me hate this hell hole even more than I thought possible... but I'm definitely not ready to go back to Olympia. I feel like I really need to take some time this summer to relax, figure out what's going on with me, try to get back some sense of who I am, just give myself a break for a few months. As much as I feel like that would fix things, I can't really see my parents understanding any of it and accepting me not working/travelling/being a bum for that time. It'll be interesting to see how that one plays out...
I really need to stop getting wasted and ending up at Scott's. He's made it perfectly clear, verbally and non, that what he said six weeks ago still stands. So why are we doing this to ourselves? I don't know what it is about him that keeps me coming back and torturing myself, but the thought of walking away is too much to take. It's over... but it just can't be over. Not being with him just doesn't feel right. I know there's other guys, I've gone on ish-dates and even kissed a few of them, but I can't shake that feeling at the end of the night that I should be with him. My toothbrush is still in his bathroom, I still sleep in his favorite pajamas, he still gives me the sad-face look and the lingering kisses every time I leave... everything just feels so right when we're together, and so very wrong when we're not. I hate it.
I know what's gonna happen, and it kills me.
Fuck. I'm gonna go cry now.