This is Me, This is You
Title: This is Me, This is You
Summary: Jaejoong refuses to stop loving Yunho.
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG13
Length: Oneshot
--
The clock struck 11 and an incessant ring together with the sound of buzzing vibrations against a flat surface reverberated around the otherwise silent room.
“Shit.” Kim Jaejoong mumbled against the pile of music sheets as he stretched his arm to snooze the annoying gadget before shoving it off the desk. The phone bounced off the floor before sliding further to a corner, the owner couldn’t care less enough for the bruised piece of electronic, he can always get a new one.
His head lied plastered against the paper covered desk for a few more quiet seconds before he decided to finally raise himself. He ran his hand through his head slowly, finally getting back to his senses and realizing that he still had a bunch of work to do. He still has four songs to finish and a deadline to meet in two days.
It’s nights like these when he wonders how his life got to where it is now and why he's still sticking to it.
He sighed to himself, psyching up for more work but the unfinished pile was quickly forgotten as his stomach reminded him, with a noisy gurgle, that he still hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast.
He proceeded to the kitchen and had a coffee mug in his hands when he returned in front of his laptop. He spared himself a few minutes to check mail and wondered for a moment if he should go open his twitter account.
He loved his fans, but sometimes, reading what they have to say takes a toll on him.
He opened his browser, only to see a very shocking headline. He need not log in on any of his accounts, his homepage showing the top articles in South Korea.
He lost his breath. He felt his chest constricting, tears piercing his eyes but they refused to fall.
How?
Why?
Jaejoong knew life loved fucking with him, and for one more time he was unsure of how much he can handle.
TVXQ’s Jung Yunho is engaged.
The mug he held fell to the ground and it shattered to countless pieces, much like his heart.
Broken.
Just broken.
--
Jaejoong had almost laughed at himself.
How insulting is it?
How fucking insulting is it?
How insulting is it to find out about the engagement of the man you loved with everything you had through an article on the internet?
Yunho was a good man. Oh he was, he really really was. Over the past few years he had tried to fill his mistakes, to fix everything and he did, slowly he did. It was amazing, he was amazing.
And sometimes, that was what made Jaejoong sick.
After the group had broken up, the two of them had made amends.
Somewhat.
Jaejoong had thought of it as nothing but a lie, but if Yunho sees it was their fresh start, then so be it. The former lead vocalist of TVXQ was never shy about expressing how he thought it was a useless attempt of restarting their relationship though. He’d avoid Yunho as much as he could and only spare him a few words when they needed to talk, all that, even if the other insisted them to act as…no, not act…to be friends.
Friends. Bullshit.
YunJae. They had been in too deep. They had loved each other too much. They had gone through too many things. When you have fallen so hard on each other like the two of them had, there are only two ways to go.
Forever
….or you come down crashing.
There is no middle ground.
---
Jaejoong checked his phone. He was supposed to meet Yunho in this coffee shop but he is not yet there. The other was not late, of course. Jaejoong was twenty minutes too early for their rendezvous. It’ll be the last, he thought as he stared at the cooling cup of tea.
The shop was in a cozy spot in Jeju, just a short walk away from Yunho’s engagement party. All his band members, former and present were there, why wouldn’t they be? They were some of the most important people to Yunho. He was kind and cherishing. He loved all of them and would want to share his special moments with them.
Yunho’s and Changmin’s meeting Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu, had become a non-issue after a while. It was only right, wasn’t it? That the boys’ who grew up together be reunited, even in just casual situations.
It was a few years ago when the five of them sat down and talked, settling things among themselves over their nearly untouched dinner. It was a gathering that was expectedly arranged by their leader. That’s what Yunho does. He fixes things. He does what is right. He has a big heart. He was always so forgiving. That’s the kind of man he is.
But Jaejoong didn’t really understand. He was always Mr. Right.
But they didn't know how merciless Yunho was, Jaejoong thought.
So so merciless.
When Yunho called Jaejoong to invite him, had he not realized that he would rather die than to undergo the hell of seeing Yunho with another woman?
How could he? How did Yunho stand in the party, smiling and putting his hands over his fiancé when he knew Jaejoong was there? How could he have hugged Jaejoong without feeling how broken he was? Did he not realize how much he was killing Jaejoong? Did he simply not realize what he was doing or did he choose to turn a blind eye? Either way, it hurt.
---
The bell of the entrance door rang. Jaejoong almost wanted to run when he realized that Yunho was walking towards him.
Yunho sat down and looked at him directly.
Again Jaejoong wondered. How could he just sit there? How can Yunho not understand how much just looking at him was torture?
…but a terrible terrible feeling crept in him. Deep down he knew the answers and he knew Yunho was dying just as much as he was.
Jaejoong did not want to see it, but it was there in his eyes, almost tangible, the care, concern, pain…and maybe even love. It made everything worse.
Yunho, did not say a word. He couldn't, not yet, so he tried to hold Jaejoong’s hand. The other just pulled away.
There was no longer a smile on Yunho’s face. This was the real him.
The sadness in his eyes, that was what he really felt and Jaejoong had recognized it all along. He'd known that the smiles and laughter he’s been showing off earlier was just a façade.
Of course Jaejoong would know. He knew Yunho like no one else, he could see through Yunho like no one else. And at moments like this he wished he didn’t.
---
Sorry was the first word Yunho uttered.
“That’s why you’re here? To say sorry?” Jaejoong's words were cold. “What is there to say sorry for?”
Yunho didn’t know where to begin. He knew he owed Jaejoong so much and although he had spent long hours, even days, thinking about what to say, his mind was blocked.
“Jaejoong, I care for you…I really do and I know you know that.” Yunho stumbled on his sentences, it was a rare occasion for him to not know what to say. He always knew what to say. “I...I don’t know." He paused, trying to regain his thoughts "…I….I…love…I lover her." You're lying. " I know we’ve gone over this, countless times, but I have to let you go. I know that I said I already have but the truth is…I haven’t completely. I want to let you go but I can only do that if I know you’re alright. Before the wedding I hope we can fix things…”
“Stop.”
“Jaejoong. You will always be important to me and you don’t know how painful this right now. I never wanted it to be this way.”
“Stop.”
“I love you, very much, but I-“
“For god sakes Yunho. Please stop.”
He couldn’t take it. Why did Yunho have to care for him this way? He finds a woman and proposes and then tortures him by trying to fix things? Couldn’t he have been an indifferent bastard and let Jaejoong suffer on his own? It would have been better that way.
Merciless, Yunho really was merciless
"Jae" Every word that comes out of Yunho's mouth started to become unbearable.
Jaejoong was clenching his fists so tightly that his hands were pale got up. He had not been paying attention to whatever Yunho was saying anymore, but when he caught the word "sorry" one more time, he stood up and stormed out of the shop.
He really couldn’t stand another second of Yunho’s concerned eyes anymore, his sincere words were daggers. He just couldn’t stay. His skin felt so cold, his blood felt like it froze over and from the moment Yunho walked in, he could almost swear he stopped breathing. It was as if his life was literally being taken away every moment spent inside with Yunho.
He just wanted to be gone. He wanted everything gone. He strode as fast as he could under the starless sky. He wanted to be far away from everything, but he kept hearing it, Yunho’s voice chasing after him, begging, pleading.
Jaejoong was tired. He knew he couldn’t ignore Yunho and he hated himself for that.
Yunho caught up to him and when the other tried to grab his arm, he turned around, tears stinging his eyes. His breaths were heaving. He could not find the strength to shield his emotions anymore.
Jaejoong no longer hated. He had grown up, all of them did. He did not hate Yunho but his anger swept through him, he could only have so much control.
“God. I don’t even know why I came down here to meet you! I knew it. I knew you would just try and mend things between us!”
Yunho was stunned by the sudden outburst. It has been so long he had almost forgotten how fiery Jaejoong could get. “I’m sorry.”
“Will you quit saying that?”
“I just wanted things between us to get better. I don’t want to hurt you Jaejoong. I just…”
“Just wanted to fix this? Are you not contented yet? You’re already the perfect son, the perfect employee, the perfect idol, the perfect leader who got his members back again. You are going to be Korea’s perfect husband. What more?"
"I never asked for any of those titles!" Yunho's patience soon runs out too.
"No. But you do everything so fucking perfectly. Everything in your life has to be smooth and damn right. You think you can fix everything but you can't.” Jaejoong is shaking. “You've become this person that has everything going right all the time, every single fucking thing, and I just wish you'd get a grip!"
"I'm not doing this for me. You know what? I'm sorry I look like some asshole who wants a perfect life but I'm doing this for you!"
"You won't be doing anything for me! All I’ve done for so long is lose myself loving you. You have taken away so much from me already Jung Yunho, but you can’t take this, the last piece I have for myself, the one that is still choosing to love you despite all the bullshit. So you could kiss letting go goodbye. Let me take something from you just this once. I will be that one thing, that one mistake that you can never undo.“
"Jaejoong that's not what I mean from all this!"
"Then what?"
They had fought, just like they always had. Just like they had countless times in the past. These kinds of fights would last for days, weeks even…. but this time, this time, both had a feeling it might last forever.
“Jaejoong if I could change my choices right now just to make you feel better, I would! You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I wasn’t myself. For fuck’s sake, even in my engagement party all I thought about was you and how you were. We can’t do this for the rest of our lives.”
A silence closes in both of them. There is nothing but the sound of their breaths.
Jaejoong licks his lips, and he knew he would regret what he was going to say, the moment it left his mouth. “We could!”
Upon hearing the quick words escape Jaejoong's mouth, Yunho almost gave in. He calmed down, suddenly noticing the hurt in Jaejoong's eyes. “We both agreed Jaejoong. You and I would never work.”
“I know. I know what we both said…but why not, why not one last time?”
A part of him wanted to ditch the world and take Jaejoong's hands and just run away, but remembered what it meant to be with Jaejoong and he remembered the reasons why they chose to be where they both were in that moment.
“You know why not.” Yunho’s voice is firm but you could see concern and worry in his eyes. He used a tone Jaejoong had been too used to. Jaejoong only sighed. His strong emotions fleeted away, as if he was slowly coming back to himself.
This was Yunho. His Yunho. He was reminded of the Yunho he loved. So strong. Unyielding. Principled. But also caring, protective and kind, thinking of others before himself. Yunho was that kind of person, and that was exactly why they could not be together.
The anger left him and he calmly lifted his hand to hold Yunho’s cheek. “Then let me leave something for me. Don’t take this away from me, Yunho...” his voice is almost begging. Wishing that the other man would understand. “I am not letting you have this one, not my forgiveness nor my letting you go. You have to live with me, loving you. Please.”
With that, every resolve in Yunho’s being crumbled. Jaejoong had always had him, no matter what path he decides to walk, no matter what choices he makes.
Yunho closed his eyes and leaned his head against Jaejoong’s palm. It was so warm, it had always been warm. He open’s his eyelids again, only to see a bittersweet smile on Jaejoong’s face.
There was something about that moment that told Yunho he should just hold onto Jaejoong a little bit longer…but this time it was his other half who pulled away.
Jaejoong did not say a word when he turned around. Yunho couldn’t find the voice to call him back.
He just watched that figure he loved for so many years.
Youngwoung Jaejoong.
Kim Jaejoong.
Jaejoongie.
They were getting further apart, so far. He felt farther from Jaejoong then he had ever, even farther than when they were on opposite sides of the globe.
Yunho could feel himself growing so weak. He finally broke down and fell to the pavement, his knees were weak and tears started blurring his vision as he watched Jaejoong walk away.
Jaejoong's voice rang in his head. I will be that one thing, that one mistake that you can never undo.
Jaejoong could never have been more wrong.
It killed him that he did not even once turn back, because Yunho knows. Yunho knows that no matter what kind of decisions he’s made in his life, Jaejoong was the best one he’d ever chosen. He had never been a mistake.... in fact, everything else was.
---
A/N: I’m sorry to come back with such fic. But I don’t even know. I cried while writing this by the way. ;___;...there are prolly errors because I jsut couldn't reread it.
Btw. The fic is named from Marit Larsen’s song “This is Me, This is You”, you should try and listen. ^^
Summary: Jaejoong refuses to stop loving Yunho.
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG13
Length: Oneshot
--
The clock struck 11 and an incessant ring together with the sound of buzzing vibrations against a flat surface reverberated around the otherwise silent room.
“Shit.” Kim Jaejoong mumbled against the pile of music sheets as he stretched his arm to snooze the annoying gadget before shoving it off the desk. The phone bounced off the floor before sliding further to a corner, the owner couldn’t care less enough for the bruised piece of electronic, he can always get a new one.
His head lied plastered against the paper covered desk for a few more quiet seconds before he decided to finally raise himself. He ran his hand through his head slowly, finally getting back to his senses and realizing that he still had a bunch of work to do. He still has four songs to finish and a deadline to meet in two days.
It’s nights like these when he wonders how his life got to where it is now and why he's still sticking to it.
He sighed to himself, psyching up for more work but the unfinished pile was quickly forgotten as his stomach reminded him, with a noisy gurgle, that he still hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast.
He proceeded to the kitchen and had a coffee mug in his hands when he returned in front of his laptop. He spared himself a few minutes to check mail and wondered for a moment if he should go open his twitter account.
He loved his fans, but sometimes, reading what they have to say takes a toll on him.
He opened his browser, only to see a very shocking headline. He need not log in on any of his accounts, his homepage showing the top articles in South Korea.
He lost his breath. He felt his chest constricting, tears piercing his eyes but they refused to fall.
How?
Why?
Jaejoong knew life loved fucking with him, and for one more time he was unsure of how much he can handle.
TVXQ’s Jung Yunho is engaged.
The mug he held fell to the ground and it shattered to countless pieces, much like his heart.
Broken.
Just broken.
--
Jaejoong had almost laughed at himself.
How insulting is it?
How fucking insulting is it?
How insulting is it to find out about the engagement of the man you loved with everything you had through an article on the internet?
Yunho was a good man. Oh he was, he really really was. Over the past few years he had tried to fill his mistakes, to fix everything and he did, slowly he did. It was amazing, he was amazing.
And sometimes, that was what made Jaejoong sick.
After the group had broken up, the two of them had made amends.
Somewhat.
Jaejoong had thought of it as nothing but a lie, but if Yunho sees it was their fresh start, then so be it. The former lead vocalist of TVXQ was never shy about expressing how he thought it was a useless attempt of restarting their relationship though. He’d avoid Yunho as much as he could and only spare him a few words when they needed to talk, all that, even if the other insisted them to act as…no, not act…to be friends.
Friends. Bullshit.
YunJae. They had been in too deep. They had loved each other too much. They had gone through too many things. When you have fallen so hard on each other like the two of them had, there are only two ways to go.
Forever
….or you come down crashing.
There is no middle ground.
---
Jaejoong checked his phone. He was supposed to meet Yunho in this coffee shop but he is not yet there. The other was not late, of course. Jaejoong was twenty minutes too early for their rendezvous. It’ll be the last, he thought as he stared at the cooling cup of tea.
The shop was in a cozy spot in Jeju, just a short walk away from Yunho’s engagement party. All his band members, former and present were there, why wouldn’t they be? They were some of the most important people to Yunho. He was kind and cherishing. He loved all of them and would want to share his special moments with them.
Yunho’s and Changmin’s meeting Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu, had become a non-issue after a while. It was only right, wasn’t it? That the boys’ who grew up together be reunited, even in just casual situations.
It was a few years ago when the five of them sat down and talked, settling things among themselves over their nearly untouched dinner. It was a gathering that was expectedly arranged by their leader. That’s what Yunho does. He fixes things. He does what is right. He has a big heart. He was always so forgiving. That’s the kind of man he is.
But Jaejoong didn’t really understand. He was always Mr. Right.
But they didn't know how merciless Yunho was, Jaejoong thought.
So so merciless.
When Yunho called Jaejoong to invite him, had he not realized that he would rather die than to undergo the hell of seeing Yunho with another woman?
How could he? How did Yunho stand in the party, smiling and putting his hands over his fiancé when he knew Jaejoong was there? How could he have hugged Jaejoong without feeling how broken he was? Did he not realize how much he was killing Jaejoong? Did he simply not realize what he was doing or did he choose to turn a blind eye? Either way, it hurt.
---
The bell of the entrance door rang. Jaejoong almost wanted to run when he realized that Yunho was walking towards him.
Yunho sat down and looked at him directly.
Again Jaejoong wondered. How could he just sit there? How can Yunho not understand how much just looking at him was torture?
…but a terrible terrible feeling crept in him. Deep down he knew the answers and he knew Yunho was dying just as much as he was.
Jaejoong did not want to see it, but it was there in his eyes, almost tangible, the care, concern, pain…and maybe even love. It made everything worse.
Yunho, did not say a word. He couldn't, not yet, so he tried to hold Jaejoong’s hand. The other just pulled away.
There was no longer a smile on Yunho’s face. This was the real him.
The sadness in his eyes, that was what he really felt and Jaejoong had recognized it all along. He'd known that the smiles and laughter he’s been showing off earlier was just a façade.
Of course Jaejoong would know. He knew Yunho like no one else, he could see through Yunho like no one else. And at moments like this he wished he didn’t.
---
Sorry was the first word Yunho uttered.
“That’s why you’re here? To say sorry?” Jaejoong's words were cold. “What is there to say sorry for?”
Yunho didn’t know where to begin. He knew he owed Jaejoong so much and although he had spent long hours, even days, thinking about what to say, his mind was blocked.
“Jaejoong, I care for you…I really do and I know you know that.” Yunho stumbled on his sentences, it was a rare occasion for him to not know what to say. He always knew what to say. “I...I don’t know." He paused, trying to regain his thoughts "…I….I…love…I lover her." You're lying. " I know we’ve gone over this, countless times, but I have to let you go. I know that I said I already have but the truth is…I haven’t completely. I want to let you go but I can only do that if I know you’re alright. Before the wedding I hope we can fix things…”
“Stop.”
“Jaejoong. You will always be important to me and you don’t know how painful this right now. I never wanted it to be this way.”
“Stop.”
“I love you, very much, but I-“
“For god sakes Yunho. Please stop.”
He couldn’t take it. Why did Yunho have to care for him this way? He finds a woman and proposes and then tortures him by trying to fix things? Couldn’t he have been an indifferent bastard and let Jaejoong suffer on his own? It would have been better that way.
Merciless, Yunho really was merciless
"Jae" Every word that comes out of Yunho's mouth started to become unbearable.
Jaejoong was clenching his fists so tightly that his hands were pale got up. He had not been paying attention to whatever Yunho was saying anymore, but when he caught the word "sorry" one more time, he stood up and stormed out of the shop.
He really couldn’t stand another second of Yunho’s concerned eyes anymore, his sincere words were daggers. He just couldn’t stay. His skin felt so cold, his blood felt like it froze over and from the moment Yunho walked in, he could almost swear he stopped breathing. It was as if his life was literally being taken away every moment spent inside with Yunho.
He just wanted to be gone. He wanted everything gone. He strode as fast as he could under the starless sky. He wanted to be far away from everything, but he kept hearing it, Yunho’s voice chasing after him, begging, pleading.
Jaejoong was tired. He knew he couldn’t ignore Yunho and he hated himself for that.
Yunho caught up to him and when the other tried to grab his arm, he turned around, tears stinging his eyes. His breaths were heaving. He could not find the strength to shield his emotions anymore.
Jaejoong no longer hated. He had grown up, all of them did. He did not hate Yunho but his anger swept through him, he could only have so much control.
“God. I don’t even know why I came down here to meet you! I knew it. I knew you would just try and mend things between us!”
Yunho was stunned by the sudden outburst. It has been so long he had almost forgotten how fiery Jaejoong could get. “I’m sorry.”
“Will you quit saying that?”
“I just wanted things between us to get better. I don’t want to hurt you Jaejoong. I just…”
“Just wanted to fix this? Are you not contented yet? You’re already the perfect son, the perfect employee, the perfect idol, the perfect leader who got his members back again. You are going to be Korea’s perfect husband. What more?"
"I never asked for any of those titles!" Yunho's patience soon runs out too.
"No. But you do everything so fucking perfectly. Everything in your life has to be smooth and damn right. You think you can fix everything but you can't.” Jaejoong is shaking. “You've become this person that has everything going right all the time, every single fucking thing, and I just wish you'd get a grip!"
"I'm not doing this for me. You know what? I'm sorry I look like some asshole who wants a perfect life but I'm doing this for you!"
"You won't be doing anything for me! All I’ve done for so long is lose myself loving you. You have taken away so much from me already Jung Yunho, but you can’t take this, the last piece I have for myself, the one that is still choosing to love you despite all the bullshit. So you could kiss letting go goodbye. Let me take something from you just this once. I will be that one thing, that one mistake that you can never undo.“
"Jaejoong that's not what I mean from all this!"
"Then what?"
They had fought, just like they always had. Just like they had countless times in the past. These kinds of fights would last for days, weeks even…. but this time, this time, both had a feeling it might last forever.
“Jaejoong if I could change my choices right now just to make you feel better, I would! You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I wasn’t myself. For fuck’s sake, even in my engagement party all I thought about was you and how you were. We can’t do this for the rest of our lives.”
A silence closes in both of them. There is nothing but the sound of their breaths.
Jaejoong licks his lips, and he knew he would regret what he was going to say, the moment it left his mouth. “We could!”
Upon hearing the quick words escape Jaejoong's mouth, Yunho almost gave in. He calmed down, suddenly noticing the hurt in Jaejoong's eyes. “We both agreed Jaejoong. You and I would never work.”
“I know. I know what we both said…but why not, why not one last time?”
A part of him wanted to ditch the world and take Jaejoong's hands and just run away, but remembered what it meant to be with Jaejoong and he remembered the reasons why they chose to be where they both were in that moment.
“You know why not.” Yunho’s voice is firm but you could see concern and worry in his eyes. He used a tone Jaejoong had been too used to. Jaejoong only sighed. His strong emotions fleeted away, as if he was slowly coming back to himself.
This was Yunho. His Yunho. He was reminded of the Yunho he loved. So strong. Unyielding. Principled. But also caring, protective and kind, thinking of others before himself. Yunho was that kind of person, and that was exactly why they could not be together.
The anger left him and he calmly lifted his hand to hold Yunho’s cheek. “Then let me leave something for me. Don’t take this away from me, Yunho...” his voice is almost begging. Wishing that the other man would understand. “I am not letting you have this one, not my forgiveness nor my letting you go. You have to live with me, loving you. Please.”
With that, every resolve in Yunho’s being crumbled. Jaejoong had always had him, no matter what path he decides to walk, no matter what choices he makes.
Yunho closed his eyes and leaned his head against Jaejoong’s palm. It was so warm, it had always been warm. He open’s his eyelids again, only to see a bittersweet smile on Jaejoong’s face.
There was something about that moment that told Yunho he should just hold onto Jaejoong a little bit longer…but this time it was his other half who pulled away.
Jaejoong did not say a word when he turned around. Yunho couldn’t find the voice to call him back.
He just watched that figure he loved for so many years.
Youngwoung Jaejoong.
Kim Jaejoong.
Jaejoongie.
They were getting further apart, so far. He felt farther from Jaejoong then he had ever, even farther than when they were on opposite sides of the globe.
Yunho could feel himself growing so weak. He finally broke down and fell to the pavement, his knees were weak and tears started blurring his vision as he watched Jaejoong walk away.
Jaejoong's voice rang in his head. I will be that one thing, that one mistake that you can never undo.
Jaejoong could never have been more wrong.
It killed him that he did not even once turn back, because Yunho knows. Yunho knows that no matter what kind of decisions he’s made in his life, Jaejoong was the best one he’d ever chosen. He had never been a mistake.... in fact, everything else was.
---
A/N: I’m sorry to come back with such fic. But I don’t even know. I cried while writing this by the way. ;___;...there are prolly errors because I jsut couldn't reread it.
Btw. The fic is named from Marit Larsen’s song “This is Me, This is You”, you should try and listen. ^^