alas! a cornucopia of love....
i was writing a post for my blog today and trying to find a post i'd written here a couple years ago, which led to me rereading a lot of old journal entries, which led to me thinking / wondering about why i don't really use a journaling site anymore. i don't know-- i think over the years i've withdrawn from LJ/DW as a community space, i think (? it's hard to remember at this point) because i was working a job where i couldn't read my flist anywhere near as often as i wanted to, and i started feeling guilty about not being able to keep up with people.
and that kind of sucks, you know? some of you guys are really good friends of mine, even if we haven't spoken in eons. i miss you. i miss the feeling of having a fan community, of having support and someone to talk to whenever i needed it. i think when i quit TR i also felt like i needed a marked separation, needed to get away from a space that was filled with reminders of a thing that i had left, admittedly for my own and everyone else's good, but that still made me sad and nostalgic not to be part of anymore.
working for lush was great. i'm not doing that anymore, which i'd be happy to talk about if anyone's interested, but the point is i spent almost four years with no time to breathe much less give time and attention to fostering relationships online. but now i feel kind of cut off. EOF is struggling, and more importantly, i'm struggling. writing, and RPing specifically, are really important to me for a million reasons, and i really miss belonging to an RPG that i could sink my teeth into without having to be in control of it. i don't think i'm cut out for modding, in the end; i'm good at it, but doing it doesn't leave me enough time to actually play, which is basically counterproductive in the worst way. and in the end, i'm not sure i want to be part of something with the kind of structure that almost all the worthwhile RPGs i see out there have.
what i really want-- what becky and i were talking about, that made me go OMG OMG YES THAT-- is a freeform writing community where there's enough of a world and a context to give character-building and relationship-building some meaning, but not so much structure that i couldn't decide to be busy for 2 weeks straight and come back to find everything had fallen apart in my absence. i would love to see something that didn't require apps but where the caliber of writing was still good-- which is basically like saying i want a unicorn, i know-- but i just really want a place where i can plot and play without pressure, where everyone's equally invested in what's going on, the plotting and planning happen collectively, and the focus is on telling good stories. if anyone knows of any RP communities that sound even remotely like what i'm talking about, i'd be interested in hearing about them.
idk, i think i also just am feeling lonely and out of sorts and sad lately, sort of unmoored in a weird way. i got a card from my dad in the mail on monday and he sounded so wistful, it just struck me that he probably has no idea how to reach out to me, like i know he doesn't want to rehash all the shit that he's done since he divorced my mom, but i can't stand the thought of having this superficial relationship with him forever. i wrote him this really awkward note back, i have no idea how to bridge the divide between us, but i do miss being able to talk normally to him, and maybe now that i'm in a position in my life where i don't need to depend on him for anything, i'll be able to relate to him like a friend. i think i can do that. i hope i can.
i think it's symptomatic of how horribly alone i feel sometimes. sounds super emo, but lately it's been true. it's not all the time-- i really love my life here in boston, i love my writing group and my book club and i feel like i might finally be in a place where i'm ready to start seeking out a social life here-- but i also miss feeling like there were people (plural) who get how important my fannish life is to me, and how much i crave a regular expression of it. my rl friends are geeks too, and like RPing, but none of them write fic, and none of them have the drive to indulge that part of themselves in the same ways i do.
so yeah... i think i might try to start posting here a bit more, keep up with my flist now that i'm in a position where i can actually read it regularly. it would be nice to get involved with fannish communities the way i did when i got into trek and white collar back in the day. if anyone's still watching this space (either of them, LJ or DW) i'd love to hear from you.
i'm also on twitter and tumblr as opentheyear, if you mostly pay attention to either of those sites, and i've been blogging a lot more regularly at plenty of pages if you read stuff on a feed reader.
okay. time to finish up my work day and go meet my writing partner for a couple of hours of dedicated internetless work. i have a short story i'm trying to wrangle into something resembling coherency, and i've left it alone for far too long.
hope all of you are well. it's nice to be writing here again; i'm pleasantly surprised to find i missed it. :)
♥ emily
This post crossposted from Dreamwidth (
comments)
and that kind of sucks, you know? some of you guys are really good friends of mine, even if we haven't spoken in eons. i miss you. i miss the feeling of having a fan community, of having support and someone to talk to whenever i needed it. i think when i quit TR i also felt like i needed a marked separation, needed to get away from a space that was filled with reminders of a thing that i had left, admittedly for my own and everyone else's good, but that still made me sad and nostalgic not to be part of anymore.
working for lush was great. i'm not doing that anymore, which i'd be happy to talk about if anyone's interested, but the point is i spent almost four years with no time to breathe much less give time and attention to fostering relationships online. but now i feel kind of cut off. EOF is struggling, and more importantly, i'm struggling. writing, and RPing specifically, are really important to me for a million reasons, and i really miss belonging to an RPG that i could sink my teeth into without having to be in control of it. i don't think i'm cut out for modding, in the end; i'm good at it, but doing it doesn't leave me enough time to actually play, which is basically counterproductive in the worst way. and in the end, i'm not sure i want to be part of something with the kind of structure that almost all the worthwhile RPGs i see out there have.
what i really want-- what becky and i were talking about, that made me go OMG OMG YES THAT-- is a freeform writing community where there's enough of a world and a context to give character-building and relationship-building some meaning, but not so much structure that i couldn't decide to be busy for 2 weeks straight and come back to find everything had fallen apart in my absence. i would love to see something that didn't require apps but where the caliber of writing was still good-- which is basically like saying i want a unicorn, i know-- but i just really want a place where i can plot and play without pressure, where everyone's equally invested in what's going on, the plotting and planning happen collectively, and the focus is on telling good stories. if anyone knows of any RP communities that sound even remotely like what i'm talking about, i'd be interested in hearing about them.
idk, i think i also just am feeling lonely and out of sorts and sad lately, sort of unmoored in a weird way. i got a card from my dad in the mail on monday and he sounded so wistful, it just struck me that he probably has no idea how to reach out to me, like i know he doesn't want to rehash all the shit that he's done since he divorced my mom, but i can't stand the thought of having this superficial relationship with him forever. i wrote him this really awkward note back, i have no idea how to bridge the divide between us, but i do miss being able to talk normally to him, and maybe now that i'm in a position in my life where i don't need to depend on him for anything, i'll be able to relate to him like a friend. i think i can do that. i hope i can.
i think it's symptomatic of how horribly alone i feel sometimes. sounds super emo, but lately it's been true. it's not all the time-- i really love my life here in boston, i love my writing group and my book club and i feel like i might finally be in a place where i'm ready to start seeking out a social life here-- but i also miss feeling like there were people (plural) who get how important my fannish life is to me, and how much i crave a regular expression of it. my rl friends are geeks too, and like RPing, but none of them write fic, and none of them have the drive to indulge that part of themselves in the same ways i do.
so yeah... i think i might try to start posting here a bit more, keep up with my flist now that i'm in a position where i can actually read it regularly. it would be nice to get involved with fannish communities the way i did when i got into trek and white collar back in the day. if anyone's still watching this space (either of them, LJ or DW) i'd love to hear from you.
i'm also on twitter and tumblr as opentheyear, if you mostly pay attention to either of those sites, and i've been blogging a lot more regularly at plenty of pages if you read stuff on a feed reader.
okay. time to finish up my work day and go meet my writing partner for a couple of hours of dedicated internetless work. i have a short story i'm trying to wrangle into something resembling coherency, and i've left it alone for far too long.
hope all of you are well. it's nice to be writing here again; i'm pleasantly surprised to find i missed it. :)
♥ emily
This post crossposted from Dreamwidth (
comments)