HI!!!!
Hello hello! Testing one two three. Someone I really respect just inspired me to check back in and maybe start posting again. I don't know if I will more than once, or what I'll end up doing, but it feels kinda nice. And kinda weird. The last time I wrote, Ollie was 1 years OLD!! Now he's four and I have another one who is almost 1. She really reminds me a lot of me, especially the way she always dances to TV theme songs. I really want to find her a totally awesome birthday present that involves music in some way. I also want to give her a Vikings Teddy Bridgewater jersey and I already bought her a fort maker. I really have to get on getting signed up to work for Lorrie again so that I can have some extra money of my own. I'm already trying to remind myself that I don't need to buy a million things to make her birthday special. If I do, it's just because I want to impress others, more than her, because she is one and won't remember this at all, and all she'll care about is that there are so many people there adoring her :)
This birthday really will be a special thing because, this year, actually almost two years including my being pregnant with her, has really been a bit of a test. I've always wanted a little girl, hell, for a long time I wanted a girl named Audrey Dora! Ever since I can remember I'd daydream about it, and never pictured a boy because I didn't know what boys were like (now I know, and I think they are pretty spectacular, one in particular). But anyway, I always wanted a baby girl and now I've got one and she's everything I've ever dreamed of, but it came at a very large looming price. It seems like the moment she was conceived she's been trouble from the start. Extreme nausea, heartburn, exhaustion, depression, worry, pica (thinking SAND was a delicacy all of a sudden), dizziness, really bad stabbing back and rib pain, jumpy legs, not being able to sleep, almost going two weeks over, pitocin, birth without an epidural because I'm crazy, screaming baby ALL THE TIME, no sleep again, privates ripped apart and swollen, plugged breast ducts, mastitis, biting, more dizziness, bad headaches, shooting pain through my legs, swollen knees, tingling limbs/hands/feet, feeling faint, feeling crazy, anxious and nervy, going to the doctor a million times, bad reaction to Zoloft, feeling a bit estranged from Ollie, panic attacks, feeling claustrophobic with life and aging crushing down on me, being so irritable I might not be considered the "nice" girl anymore. It feels good getting all that down in one spot! And you know, I'm still extremely lucky because I know a lot of people feel so much worse. Some moms don't feel a connection with their child and I certainly do! Some moms feel worthless, some moms feel like dying, some moms go through psychosis, some moms are so anxious they are afraid to go places, some feel like their whole lives have been ruined or are hopeless. Some get up every morning in some sort of pain, mental or physical or some combination of both. They are warriors, and I feel like if I went through any of that I could never have the strength that they have to keep living, keep trying, keep hoping. And that brings me back to Audrey's first birthday. I am proud of myself for keeping myself positive and for looking at what I've gone through in a freeing happy perspective. This all happened to me because I was given the greatest gift, the thing I always wanted more than anything else. The best of things are hard to come by and this is just my hard thing. And I'll have had her for a whole year, the worst best year of my life, a year I have changed in many ways and have tested myself in ways I didn't think I could handle before. I found out I'm stronger than I thought I am, and weaker than I thought I am in surprising ways. I've started forcing myself outside of my comfort zone, now that my comfort zone is no longer comfortable and that's a good thing. Audrey is the best gift I could have given myself, it was hard earned and it has changed me and made my life the most worthwhile it has ever been.
It's important, I think, for people to admit how difficult it is to be a parent. And not in the ways people already do....in that jokey "you're not going to sleep for a year! haha" way. If we only talk about the good things, how much joy our children give us, that that's not the full story and it doesn't ring true. Certainly, our children give us joy, but it's so much more than that. Our lives change in more ways and the entire picture is part of the beauty. I'm exhausted, and sometimes I wish I didn't have children just for a little bit, like I could pack them away in a trunk for a few days and they'll just hibernate, and then I can wake them up when I want them again. Our lives are really relative aren't they? Before I had children, my life didn't feel that easy, and now I look back and it seems like the easiest thing in the world. Remember going anywhere whenever you want for as long as you want? Remember not worrying about anybody but yourself? I have baggage now wherever I go, wherever I am, whoever I'll be, I'm me....with baggage called children. Even when I'm alone. They will always be with me, always on my mind, always looming above or within me. It's a job, sometimes maddening, sometimes satisfying, that never ever ends.
It's a hard thing you cannot avoid. It's like being forced to skydive, without the opportunity to turn back and change your mind. You're always jumping and falling and sometimes the parachute opens and sometimes it doesn't. It's almost a zen like meditation exercise if you think about it. If you can do this, you can do anything because you know every human emotion and experience in a way others can never.
The other day I was in an exasperated state, just agitated and tired and not in the mood for anything, and then Ollie said "thanks for dinner mom!" I don't think he's ever been thankful for food in his life. The pickiest of the picky, he has never had a good relationship with eating, even when it's the rare something he really enjoys. And there he was, thanking me for dinner. "sanks for dinner mom! sanks!" I love this.
This birthday really will be a special thing because, this year, actually almost two years including my being pregnant with her, has really been a bit of a test. I've always wanted a little girl, hell, for a long time I wanted a girl named Audrey Dora! Ever since I can remember I'd daydream about it, and never pictured a boy because I didn't know what boys were like (now I know, and I think they are pretty spectacular, one in particular). But anyway, I always wanted a baby girl and now I've got one and she's everything I've ever dreamed of, but it came at a very large looming price. It seems like the moment she was conceived she's been trouble from the start. Extreme nausea, heartburn, exhaustion, depression, worry, pica (thinking SAND was a delicacy all of a sudden), dizziness, really bad stabbing back and rib pain, jumpy legs, not being able to sleep, almost going two weeks over, pitocin, birth without an epidural because I'm crazy, screaming baby ALL THE TIME, no sleep again, privates ripped apart and swollen, plugged breast ducts, mastitis, biting, more dizziness, bad headaches, shooting pain through my legs, swollen knees, tingling limbs/hands/feet, feeling faint, feeling crazy, anxious and nervy, going to the doctor a million times, bad reaction to Zoloft, feeling a bit estranged from Ollie, panic attacks, feeling claustrophobic with life and aging crushing down on me, being so irritable I might not be considered the "nice" girl anymore. It feels good getting all that down in one spot! And you know, I'm still extremely lucky because I know a lot of people feel so much worse. Some moms don't feel a connection with their child and I certainly do! Some moms feel worthless, some moms feel like dying, some moms go through psychosis, some moms are so anxious they are afraid to go places, some feel like their whole lives have been ruined or are hopeless. Some get up every morning in some sort of pain, mental or physical or some combination of both. They are warriors, and I feel like if I went through any of that I could never have the strength that they have to keep living, keep trying, keep hoping. And that brings me back to Audrey's first birthday. I am proud of myself for keeping myself positive and for looking at what I've gone through in a freeing happy perspective. This all happened to me because I was given the greatest gift, the thing I always wanted more than anything else. The best of things are hard to come by and this is just my hard thing. And I'll have had her for a whole year, the worst best year of my life, a year I have changed in many ways and have tested myself in ways I didn't think I could handle before. I found out I'm stronger than I thought I am, and weaker than I thought I am in surprising ways. I've started forcing myself outside of my comfort zone, now that my comfort zone is no longer comfortable and that's a good thing. Audrey is the best gift I could have given myself, it was hard earned and it has changed me and made my life the most worthwhile it has ever been.
It's important, I think, for people to admit how difficult it is to be a parent. And not in the ways people already do....in that jokey "you're not going to sleep for a year! haha" way. If we only talk about the good things, how much joy our children give us, that that's not the full story and it doesn't ring true. Certainly, our children give us joy, but it's so much more than that. Our lives change in more ways and the entire picture is part of the beauty. I'm exhausted, and sometimes I wish I didn't have children just for a little bit, like I could pack them away in a trunk for a few days and they'll just hibernate, and then I can wake them up when I want them again. Our lives are really relative aren't they? Before I had children, my life didn't feel that easy, and now I look back and it seems like the easiest thing in the world. Remember going anywhere whenever you want for as long as you want? Remember not worrying about anybody but yourself? I have baggage now wherever I go, wherever I am, whoever I'll be, I'm me....with baggage called children. Even when I'm alone. They will always be with me, always on my mind, always looming above or within me. It's a job, sometimes maddening, sometimes satisfying, that never ever ends.
It's a hard thing you cannot avoid. It's like being forced to skydive, without the opportunity to turn back and change your mind. You're always jumping and falling and sometimes the parachute opens and sometimes it doesn't. It's almost a zen like meditation exercise if you think about it. If you can do this, you can do anything because you know every human emotion and experience in a way others can never.
The other day I was in an exasperated state, just agitated and tired and not in the mood for anything, and then Ollie said "thanks for dinner mom!" I don't think he's ever been thankful for food in his life. The pickiest of the picky, he has never had a good relationship with eating, even when it's the rare something he really enjoys. And there he was, thanking me for dinner. "sanks for dinner mom! sanks!" I love this.