The Gameshark, issue 1
Ethics Teacher Highly Unethical
"The man is a pervert," experts say.
Article by ANONYMOUS, Final Destination City
On August 1st, innocent orphan girl Dolly reported being sexually harassed by the unusually cruel ethics teacher, Cryus. "I didn't mean for anyone to see that entry," says Dolly, 16. "But now that it's out in the open, I have no choice but to formally charge Mr. Cyrus for assault."
When asked to comment on the situation, Cyrus had this to say: "Dolly is a lying brat. Know this because I am good and pure and the messiah." But is he telling the truth? This reporter's suspicions were only raised further.
How will this continued battle between good and evil play out? Only time will tell. In the meantime, officials urge female students not to be alone in the company of the ethics teacher.
Stolen Pokemon Recovered
Kanto
In an entirely unexpected turn of events, a small number of Pokemon stolen by Team Rocket were found near a Pokemon Center earlier this month. Pokemon Center staff were able to track down most of the rightful trainers by looking up their trainer IDs. "It's a miracle," one staff member remarked, "[The trainers] are just so happy. After three years, nobody expected this to happen." Nobody has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the rescue of the stolen Pokemon, leading to wild speculation about a possible vigilante. "We can only hope they strike again," a local trainer remarked. "It's great that some trainers got their Pokemon back, but there are hundreds more out there. My Clefable is still missing, but at least now I have hope."
Eye On Weather
Expect August to go out quietly; conditions will remain clear and sunny, with a cold front expected to move in early September.
Eye On Weather claims no responsibility for inaccuracy in forecasts due to legendary-being-induced thundershowers.
Horoscopes
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.
Pisces: (February 19-March 20): Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
Aries (March 21-April 19): The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will never find true happiness. Whatcha gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo (Augst 23-September 22): All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent... except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Libra (September 23-October 23): A big promotion is just around the corner... for someone much more talented that you. Laughter is the very best medicine; remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio: (October 24-November 21): Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.
Comics
NESTER'S ADVENTURES #1: Introducing the Coolest Guy Around!
The Declass
• NESTER IS THE BEST
• NESTER ROCKS MY WORLD
• NESTER IS A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT
• Your peace for our world - (insert fictional email address here)
• Shut up, Nester.
• dear psychics: CUT IT OUT!!!! i just want to eat lunch without anyone trying to get into my head!!
• Your thoughts are boring anyways
• The new cooking teacher is terrifying! Where did they find this guy, the set of the Thriller video?
Ganondorf Dragmire, your friendly sexual adviser is now (required by school law) to answer and sexual questions you might have free and anonymously.
Please deposit your questions at his door and he will answer them for you during the next newspaper edition.
"The man is a pervert," experts say.
Article by ANONYMOUS, Final Destination City
On August 1st, innocent orphan girl Dolly reported being sexually harassed by the unusually cruel ethics teacher, Cryus. "I didn't mean for anyone to see that entry," says Dolly, 16. "But now that it's out in the open, I have no choice but to formally charge Mr. Cyrus for assault."
When asked to comment on the situation, Cyrus had this to say: "Dolly is a lying brat. Know this because I am good and pure and the messiah." But is he telling the truth? This reporter's suspicions were only raised further.
How will this continued battle between good and evil play out? Only time will tell. In the meantime, officials urge female students not to be alone in the company of the ethics teacher.
Stolen Pokemon Recovered
Kanto
In an entirely unexpected turn of events, a small number of Pokemon stolen by Team Rocket were found near a Pokemon Center earlier this month. Pokemon Center staff were able to track down most of the rightful trainers by looking up their trainer IDs. "It's a miracle," one staff member remarked, "[The trainers] are just so happy. After three years, nobody expected this to happen." Nobody has stepped forward to claim responsibility for the rescue of the stolen Pokemon, leading to wild speculation about a possible vigilante. "We can only hope they strike again," a local trainer remarked. "It's great that some trainers got their Pokemon back, but there are hundreds more out there. My Clefable is still missing, but at least now I have hope."
Eye On Weather
Expect August to go out quietly; conditions will remain clear and sunny, with a cold front expected to move in early September.
Eye On Weather claims no responsibility for inaccuracy in forecasts due to legendary-being-induced thundershowers.
Horoscopes
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.
Pisces: (February 19-March 20): Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
Aries (March 21-April 19): The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will never find true happiness. Whatcha gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo (Augst 23-September 22): All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent... except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Libra (September 23-October 23): A big promotion is just around the corner... for someone much more talented that you. Laughter is the very best medicine; remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio: (October 24-November 21): Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.
Comics
NESTER'S ADVENTURES #1: Introducing the Coolest Guy Around!
The Declass
• NESTER IS THE BEST
• NESTER ROCKS MY WORLD
• NESTER IS A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT
• Your peace for our world - (insert fictional email address here)
• Shut up, Nester.
• dear psychics: CUT IT OUT!!!! i just want to eat lunch without anyone trying to get into my head!!
• Your thoughts are boring anyways
• The new cooking teacher is terrifying! Where did they find this guy, the set of the Thriller video?
Ganondorf Dragmire, your friendly sexual adviser is now (required by school law) to answer and sexual questions you might have free and anonymously.
Please deposit your questions at his door and he will answer them for you during the next newspaper edition.