An introspective post
It's been a while, eh? I haven't really had anything to SAY lately. This has been a good medium for me to kind of ramble about what's going on in my head and life, but there's less posting when there's less going on. Things had been good for me, lately. They still ARE good, in fact, but some issues came to a head recently, issues that I didn't realize were there until they were hugely prominent.
My sense of self-worth is based largely on other people. I realize it's not hugely uncommon, but I think I sort of take it to extremes. I mostly feel positively about myself, so it's not that I have no self-esteem or think I'm horrible. It's that when I say that I like myself, I'm saying that I like the things about myself that other people validate me for, or respond positively towards, etc. I'm constantly thinking about the image I'm projecting, the girl I appear to be. And for the most part, that IS me, but sometimes, I just get so lost in it.
I mirror very well. I can adapt to a group and show them what they want to see. Not that I change my personality, per se, but that I generally implicitly understand what aspects of myself will be most well-received by whoever is observing me. It's not disingenuous, but it makes me hard to know myself sometimes. And really, it's mostly a positive thing...it helps me hugely in business and can occasionally give me a social edge. But I get very, very lost in what others think about me.
It's not to say I'm a people-pleaser. I'm not. I'm the sort to put things out there and act like I don't give a fuck what people say or do in response. I really DO care, but I make the effort not to let it hinder me from being myself. I feel like I'm being contradictory here, but the truth is, I can't make too much sense of it in my own head, either.
I endlessly seek validation. Part of it is that ever since I was little, I always felt I had to prove myself to my parents. I was smart, I was capable, and I felt I always had to DO something, BE something, to win their approval. I knew they loved me, but I needed their validation, as well. I don't think they realized it. I didn't realize it. I do it now, particularly when it comes to men, particularly when it comes to OLDER men. Father issues, much? And I don't mean to say anything about my dad...it's not a him issue, it's a ME issue. But at work I report to two older men, and I have SUCH a fixation on winning their approval.
And men in general is another can of worms. I'm pretty. I KNOW I'm pretty. So I can understand to a degree why men like me, how I can catch their eye, how to be charming and appealing. But when it goes beyond the surface stuff and they start to genuinely like ME, I don't understand it. I don't know why.
I've caught myself saying that a lot recently. I don't know why you like me, why he likes me, why she likes me, why they like me. I really, legitimately DON'T. Sometimes I do, vaguely, and then I'm uncertain whether it's because of what I'm projecting, or what I actually am. Add to that the fact that lately, I have been showing the people close to me the qualities I consider to be negative, that MOST people would consider negative. And they tend not to care, or to like them, or to just like the whole package. It's confusing.
My therapist & I had a long chat last Friday. We'd never talked about any of this. In the months I've been going, this has never been an issue I needed to talk about. It wasn't an issue I realized I had. I had a long talk with two of my friends last Tuesday about something that was difficult for me to put out there. They helped me realize some truths. They got me thinking. And Wednesday night, on my drive home, I just broke down. How could there be so much turmoil in me that I didn't even see? I consider myself self-aware, introspective. God knows I've rambled here about personal shit TONS in the past. I thought I had a good grasp on myself.
My therapist told me to make a list of the characteristics I like about my friends (I have very close friends lately...closer than I've had in the last decade, no exaggeration), and then see which of those characteristics I see in myself, as well. Because it's a good bet other people like them in me. Weirdly enough, some of the things I love about my friends AREN'T really positive characteristics.
Things that I like about my friends that are also traits I have: intelligence, spontaneity, silliness, sarcasm, a liberal social perspective, being non-judgmental, liking to gossip (put those two together -- how the hell does that make sense?), taking pride in their work, having balance in their lives, lack of superficiality, having nerdy hobbies, a wide range of interests, listening well, caring too much.
Assignment complete... To be clear here, I'm NOT asking anyone tell me what you like about me, etc. I'm just...getting it out of my head and out HERE. I'm still not really sure how I'm supposed to validate myself on my own. Maybe I'll get there eventually.