Leaving Neverland
Leaving neverland
I have been debating putting up my Darren Criss Meet and Greet story because I didn't want to seem like I was whining or complaining. I want to put the whole story, but I want to put a disclaimer that it was a great privilege to meet him, even like this. I wouldn't do it again, though. I did not leave our conversation with a happy feeling at all, and I think at the very end he sort of realized it, too. But maybe I'm reading too much into things.
I love Darren, I have loved Darren since before AVPM when he was making covers on youtube, but this experience has really disillusioned me. To the point that when I came home I had a long talk with my husband about wanting to delete all my pictures, the book that I was writing in which he's cast as the main character body model, the songs, everything. I told him that I felt like I didn't want to pursue a career in the entertainment industry anymore and I felt like I needed to grow up and stop dreaming. I was very hurt, but I am beyond grateful that he took time out of his life and schedule to do this for his fans, the shows and the meet ups. I am SO EXCITED for the friends I made and the wonderful experiences that they had. I didn't share that experience.
When I was in college, Not Alone helped get me through a really rough time I had. It made me feel like I should keep fighting and holding on and not give up. In 2011 my husband was offered the opportunity to come work for CERN designing detectors on the LHC in Geneva, Switzerland. We've been stationed here for three years. I knew that I wouldn't be able to work, and I've been very lonely and every aspect of who I am as a person and who we are as a couple has been challenged being here. Again this song came into my life. His acoustic recording of Teenage Dream at Six Flags became an anthem of inspiration to pursue my dreams and writing career, and inspired me with an amazing character to continue my work as an author.
I am a huge advocate for actors and when I heard he would be on Eastwick, etc. I followed the show to support him. That's how I ended up starting to watch Glee. I've been following his tour, saw Imogene in Torino last year, and sort of lamented the fact that would never be me meeting him. Besides the fact that I can be painfully shy when I first get to know people, I would never be able to get to his show so I thought.
Then there was a Paris show. I tried to get tickets but they sold out in less than a minute. There were also some financial worries to keep in mind, too. With one income we don't have a lot of extra cash. I nanny some kids throughout the year to earn some extra money for something for me. I'm a very giving person and I rarely spend money on myself. Like to a fault. And this was the first time since 2011 I was doing something for me. I was going to go to Leaky Con London with the hope that maybe he would be there, at least some of the other Starkids would be, but then the meet and greet came up. I didn't care if I got in the concert if I would get to talk to him and get a hug for a few minutes. And after seeing how he treats his fans on the street, after shows, waiting for live shoots, and reading the amazing experiences of people doing meet and greets in the states, I was like that could be me! I could be the one getting a hug and a flirty smile and told I'm beautiful. Hell we could talk about the weather for all I cared. It would be so cool!
So I got the tickets and the travel arrangements, traveled to Paris alone which was SUPER scary and exciting, and prepared to meet Darren Freaking Criss. I made some friends with some of the other people in line and in general I'm an energetic happy person and kinda became like a group mom cheering everyone on and trying to calm nerves. I talked to Karin, the adventures in wonderland rep who was great, and there were two other girls that didn't have tickets either. The sign in was confusing and I was hoping that maybe it would include a concert ticket since it said the VIP access thing, but I wasn't getting my hopes up.
So it was my turn. I went upstairs, bouncy and energetic, fake it till you make it. I greeted Darren and got a hug then we posed for pictures. I made kind of a flirty comment about the pictures but we just hugged and I was like ok. I did have my hopes up with how people described his hugs, full body and warm and like holding you, but it was just like a normal hug. No big deal. I was over the moon. He then told me to come sit on the couch and we could chill. It felt kinda like he was saying let's be calm now, but I tried to just brush that off.
I don't want to go into too many details about our conversation. I don't want to seem like I'm talking shit or whining or painting Darren in a bad light. For most of the conversation I felt scolded. I tried to keep it light, sort of laugh off some of the things he was saying because he seemed sort of annoyed. More than once I berated myself for doing something wrong and pissing him off or being weird. After about the second or third time of a sort of snarky comment, one about how a song I picked when he asked about what songs he should perform wasn't that old, feeling chastised for seeing him instead of Paris and I needed to go see the city, and then another about how it's endearing when he messes up to which he seemed sort of abrasive about it (for the record I thought about saying well it humanizes you and doesn't make you seem like gimmicky with your choreography and persona, but I just said well if you're wanting someone to bust your balls for messing up count on me). I sincerely considered telling him that it was great meeting him but I'd see myself out because I don't think this is going particularly well and he might need a minute. I'm sure he was jet lagged, he said he'd been sick in Toronto, he's been dealing with all kinds of stress from fans and press and everything, not to mention any personal problems or things going on we as a public don't know about. I wanted to be understanding.
He wasn't his bright, chipper, smart aleck self with me, though the other girls said he was with them. He wasn't warm particularly. Maybe something I said set him off and made him put his guard up. Maybe I wasn't really carrying along with the conversation well. When he asked where I was from I tried to explain the whole CERN thing, originally from Oklahoma and living in Geneva for the next few years because of this, he interrupted me and didn't get it, even going so far as to say why didn't I go see a show in Texas instead of coming to Paris for a day. Um because I live here and this is the only chance I will probably ever have? I had to repeat myself three times before he finally got it, I felt like I was pegged as some tourist over here for the summer and just popped over to Paris to be a spoiled kid meeting Darren Criss, nice at 28. I also felt really hurt by this point because I was like what happened to the guy in the videos who's always like no you're not bothering me, making the people talking to him feel like they're the only one in the world, like he really cares about them and their story and making a connection. I felt like he wasn't even listening, and this was after feeling scolded, too. I did get to explain a little about what my husband did and he seemed to perk up and seem interested in that. Asking me questions and saying it was cool. I almost didn't give him my letter telling him how he kinda saved me because after this conversation I just felt like a ridiculous woman that needed to grow up, but I gave it to him. That's right around the time Karin came up to take me back downstairs.
He gave me sort of a sad look and was like aww already? Almost like we were just getting started and I sort of gave him a forced, :-/ smile and said yeah. Hopped up and was going to leave, saying it was nice getting to meet him. Like I said I almost excused myself at one point because it seemed to not be going well and he seemed off. He said something about one more hug and this was tighter and big, like the full body hugs everyone describes. He smiled soft and I sort of gripped my arms a little after and I was like yeah... I told him about how if him or his friends wanted to come tour ATLAS and the LHC to drop me a line and we can hook him up with a behind the scenes tour and he asked me about how long we were gonna be there and all that. It felt like it was all over my face how disappointed and underwhelmed I was, even though throughout the conversation I tried to keep up the perky bouncy even though I felt myself forcing my smile. I kinda felt like maybe he had started to realize when Karin came back, but I wasn't sure. My new friends, the two other girls and I that didn't have tickets, had told him that we couldn't stay for the show because of the ticket mess and he said he was gonna make it happen. I was like yeah, if not that's cool, too. Like I said, I understood that I didn't get tickets and it wasn't his job to sort of fix my fuck up. I knew when I came I would probably not get to stay. There were also a lot of people outside hoping to get in and I didn't want to be selfish.
I went downstairs and sat on the dirty floor, sort of just stunned, going over and over what happened. I loved the pictures they were so cute. I loved the hugs. I got to touch his scruffy face and thought damn I wish my husband's face was soft like this, do you conditioner your beard? It's like magic. I got like 10 minutes alone talking to Darren Criss relaxing on a couch. Then why am I so sad? Why do I feel like everything in my life needs to be rethought? Why am I sitting here in a sort of stupor wondering what I did wrong and who was this guy and this wasn't at ALL what I expected from one of the kindest people I thought I had ever seen, who writes beautiful love letters to fans and tries to make himself accessible to everyone, giving so much of himself it's insane. I was berating myself asking over and over what I did wrong. I asked a couple of the other girls there and they said he was charming, talked to them about Paris and Germany and Croatia. Made them feel so special and beautiful. Lots of I love yous and gentle warmth, even the two other older women I was talking to.
Generally speaking I'm a warm person and a good listener. People often vent their frustrations to me knowing I'm not going to judge. And more than that I guess I have one of those faces or personalities where you can be mean to me almost and I'll come back for more, or at least not make you feel bad about it. Maybe he felt comfortable being a little more frustrated because of that. Maybe he's tired or sick. Maybe there just wasn't anything there and I really messed this up. Maybe... Maybe...
One of the girls told me about how she wanted to just go back upstairs and I just wanted to say yeah, you can take my turn. A lot of people I know have been asking me what I thought and what happened and I was like it was surreal because I didn't want to be like he was kind of an ass to me. I am SO happy for all the people that had amazing experiences and went to see him multiple times or are trying to find ways to see him again. I am not that person.
At one point Karin came up and asked if I was ok, I assumed she was talking about them still trying to figure out the ticket nonsense. I wonder if she was checking on me because he had sad puppy face as I went to leave and he initiated and kinda called me back for a hug at the very end. Maybe he asked her to. Right before they opened the doors the guys from the venue, after being told that we could stay, said we couldn't stay. Or at least we had to wait until the end and maybe we could buy a ticket if everyone didn't show up and come in the back of the theater. Giving up our good spots but we could still see the show.
So they brought us outside and we stood in the rain for over an hour after all of that. Karin came by to tell us that they were trying to get us in, talking to me and making me feel like she was concerned. All I kept thinking about was him telling me to go see the city, and this guy that had been my idol and inspiration and a beacon of light in a dark time and was so kind to people in the grocery store and online and everything wasn't what I thought. I used to be a cast member at Disney and have had lots of celebrity encounters, some people are jerks some people are angels. All in all they're just people. At the end of the day I wasn't going out of my way to see them so if someone was lackluster who cares. If I ran into him in a grocery store I'd be like well I was bothering him obviously but this? No. Anyway, I tried to show a bit of myself and have fun and I feel like I didn't get a word in edge wise. I feel like I wasn't special and he was annoyed at my existence.
Darren was set to perform at 9 and at 855 I was ready to give up. I was going to get a beer, drink my internal demons, and go back to my hotel and sleep and try to forget this day existed. Answer my tweets tactfully because I somehow felt the need to protect him and not be like yeah he hurt my feelings or that was just... Not what I expected. I've been through a lot of disappointment in my life, I've grown up in abusive homes and have struggled for everything I have, so I try not to have expectations so I'm always surprised, but I somehow expected a warmth or something that wasn't there. I expected to feel pretty and special and then I thought maybe it's because I'm not any of those things and the people he flirts with and says are beautiful and special are the real deal, like he really thinks they're beautiful and special and maybe I'm just not.
So I was about to give up when the security guard came and got us, told us that we were his personal guests, and rushed us up to the front, stage right, to enjoy the show. I made eye contact with Darren a couple times right after part of your world while he was on his guitar, felt almost like he was looking for me, and I really enjoyed the show. When I was looking at it through my camera it felt almost like I was home again with my dreams and silly swooning. I put all the other thoughts out of my head and just enjoyed how passionate he was, how he sang several of my favorite songs including the two I had suggested. And I focused on that alone.
Over the last few days I've really struggled with my internal demons. I feel like I should grow up, I should give up my books and fangirls and being allowed to be excited, I should find some sort of desk job or go back to teaching when I get home to the states and just give up on my ridiculous obsession with making people happy and working in film/theater/publishing/music/etc. Being silly and emotional and goofy is a great sort of image to have for some people, but maybe I just need to give up all of these ridiculous dreams because the guy I've sort of admired made me feel like giving up and was beyond disappointing, so disappointing that I feel like I don't want anything to do with the whole industry as much as I'm like yeah I don't want to do this with him anymore either. Like I want to delete all the music and everything, anything that reminded me of my more bitter than sweet moment, the one I'd scrimped and saved for.
There were good things. The pictures at the beginning. The show. He didn't have to get me and those girls in and he did. His hug at the end. How his eyes are really deep and how passionate he gets and how fun the show was. How awesome Karin was and how I'd love to network with her and pick her brain about how to get in her field. My husband and best friends have been encouraging about how I shouldn't give up on my dreams because of this.
Again, I love Darren. I love what he does for his fans. I'm so glad so many people have had experiences of a lifetime. I'm glad almost that I was the one that had this experience because I can pull out the positives and try to focus on that and get through this with a little help from my friends. I’m grateful for the man, the humanized just another person, and I wish him well on his tour, career and life. I just wanted to share my experience and tell everyone to be grateful for the moment you have because it really is a privilege and you should really value the sincerity of your good experience.
I have been debating putting up my Darren Criss Meet and Greet story because I didn't want to seem like I was whining or complaining. I want to put the whole story, but I want to put a disclaimer that it was a great privilege to meet him, even like this. I wouldn't do it again, though. I did not leave our conversation with a happy feeling at all, and I think at the very end he sort of realized it, too. But maybe I'm reading too much into things.
I love Darren, I have loved Darren since before AVPM when he was making covers on youtube, but this experience has really disillusioned me. To the point that when I came home I had a long talk with my husband about wanting to delete all my pictures, the book that I was writing in which he's cast as the main character body model, the songs, everything. I told him that I felt like I didn't want to pursue a career in the entertainment industry anymore and I felt like I needed to grow up and stop dreaming. I was very hurt, but I am beyond grateful that he took time out of his life and schedule to do this for his fans, the shows and the meet ups. I am SO EXCITED for the friends I made and the wonderful experiences that they had. I didn't share that experience.
When I was in college, Not Alone helped get me through a really rough time I had. It made me feel like I should keep fighting and holding on and not give up. In 2011 my husband was offered the opportunity to come work for CERN designing detectors on the LHC in Geneva, Switzerland. We've been stationed here for three years. I knew that I wouldn't be able to work, and I've been very lonely and every aspect of who I am as a person and who we are as a couple has been challenged being here. Again this song came into my life. His acoustic recording of Teenage Dream at Six Flags became an anthem of inspiration to pursue my dreams and writing career, and inspired me with an amazing character to continue my work as an author.
I am a huge advocate for actors and when I heard he would be on Eastwick, etc. I followed the show to support him. That's how I ended up starting to watch Glee. I've been following his tour, saw Imogene in Torino last year, and sort of lamented the fact that would never be me meeting him. Besides the fact that I can be painfully shy when I first get to know people, I would never be able to get to his show so I thought.
Then there was a Paris show. I tried to get tickets but they sold out in less than a minute. There were also some financial worries to keep in mind, too. With one income we don't have a lot of extra cash. I nanny some kids throughout the year to earn some extra money for something for me. I'm a very giving person and I rarely spend money on myself. Like to a fault. And this was the first time since 2011 I was doing something for me. I was going to go to Leaky Con London with the hope that maybe he would be there, at least some of the other Starkids would be, but then the meet and greet came up. I didn't care if I got in the concert if I would get to talk to him and get a hug for a few minutes. And after seeing how he treats his fans on the street, after shows, waiting for live shoots, and reading the amazing experiences of people doing meet and greets in the states, I was like that could be me! I could be the one getting a hug and a flirty smile and told I'm beautiful. Hell we could talk about the weather for all I cared. It would be so cool!
So I got the tickets and the travel arrangements, traveled to Paris alone which was SUPER scary and exciting, and prepared to meet Darren Freaking Criss. I made some friends with some of the other people in line and in general I'm an energetic happy person and kinda became like a group mom cheering everyone on and trying to calm nerves. I talked to Karin, the adventures in wonderland rep who was great, and there were two other girls that didn't have tickets either. The sign in was confusing and I was hoping that maybe it would include a concert ticket since it said the VIP access thing, but I wasn't getting my hopes up.
So it was my turn. I went upstairs, bouncy and energetic, fake it till you make it. I greeted Darren and got a hug then we posed for pictures. I made kind of a flirty comment about the pictures but we just hugged and I was like ok. I did have my hopes up with how people described his hugs, full body and warm and like holding you, but it was just like a normal hug. No big deal. I was over the moon. He then told me to come sit on the couch and we could chill. It felt kinda like he was saying let's be calm now, but I tried to just brush that off.
I don't want to go into too many details about our conversation. I don't want to seem like I'm talking shit or whining or painting Darren in a bad light. For most of the conversation I felt scolded. I tried to keep it light, sort of laugh off some of the things he was saying because he seemed sort of annoyed. More than once I berated myself for doing something wrong and pissing him off or being weird. After about the second or third time of a sort of snarky comment, one about how a song I picked when he asked about what songs he should perform wasn't that old, feeling chastised for seeing him instead of Paris and I needed to go see the city, and then another about how it's endearing when he messes up to which he seemed sort of abrasive about it (for the record I thought about saying well it humanizes you and doesn't make you seem like gimmicky with your choreography and persona, but I just said well if you're wanting someone to bust your balls for messing up count on me). I sincerely considered telling him that it was great meeting him but I'd see myself out because I don't think this is going particularly well and he might need a minute. I'm sure he was jet lagged, he said he'd been sick in Toronto, he's been dealing with all kinds of stress from fans and press and everything, not to mention any personal problems or things going on we as a public don't know about. I wanted to be understanding.
He wasn't his bright, chipper, smart aleck self with me, though the other girls said he was with them. He wasn't warm particularly. Maybe something I said set him off and made him put his guard up. Maybe I wasn't really carrying along with the conversation well. When he asked where I was from I tried to explain the whole CERN thing, originally from Oklahoma and living in Geneva for the next few years because of this, he interrupted me and didn't get it, even going so far as to say why didn't I go see a show in Texas instead of coming to Paris for a day. Um because I live here and this is the only chance I will probably ever have? I had to repeat myself three times before he finally got it, I felt like I was pegged as some tourist over here for the summer and just popped over to Paris to be a spoiled kid meeting Darren Criss, nice at 28. I also felt really hurt by this point because I was like what happened to the guy in the videos who's always like no you're not bothering me, making the people talking to him feel like they're the only one in the world, like he really cares about them and their story and making a connection. I felt like he wasn't even listening, and this was after feeling scolded, too. I did get to explain a little about what my husband did and he seemed to perk up and seem interested in that. Asking me questions and saying it was cool. I almost didn't give him my letter telling him how he kinda saved me because after this conversation I just felt like a ridiculous woman that needed to grow up, but I gave it to him. That's right around the time Karin came up to take me back downstairs.
He gave me sort of a sad look and was like aww already? Almost like we were just getting started and I sort of gave him a forced, :-/ smile and said yeah. Hopped up and was going to leave, saying it was nice getting to meet him. Like I said I almost excused myself at one point because it seemed to not be going well and he seemed off. He said something about one more hug and this was tighter and big, like the full body hugs everyone describes. He smiled soft and I sort of gripped my arms a little after and I was like yeah... I told him about how if him or his friends wanted to come tour ATLAS and the LHC to drop me a line and we can hook him up with a behind the scenes tour and he asked me about how long we were gonna be there and all that. It felt like it was all over my face how disappointed and underwhelmed I was, even though throughout the conversation I tried to keep up the perky bouncy even though I felt myself forcing my smile. I kinda felt like maybe he had started to realize when Karin came back, but I wasn't sure. My new friends, the two other girls and I that didn't have tickets, had told him that we couldn't stay for the show because of the ticket mess and he said he was gonna make it happen. I was like yeah, if not that's cool, too. Like I said, I understood that I didn't get tickets and it wasn't his job to sort of fix my fuck up. I knew when I came I would probably not get to stay. There were also a lot of people outside hoping to get in and I didn't want to be selfish.
I went downstairs and sat on the dirty floor, sort of just stunned, going over and over what happened. I loved the pictures they were so cute. I loved the hugs. I got to touch his scruffy face and thought damn I wish my husband's face was soft like this, do you conditioner your beard? It's like magic. I got like 10 minutes alone talking to Darren Criss relaxing on a couch. Then why am I so sad? Why do I feel like everything in my life needs to be rethought? Why am I sitting here in a sort of stupor wondering what I did wrong and who was this guy and this wasn't at ALL what I expected from one of the kindest people I thought I had ever seen, who writes beautiful love letters to fans and tries to make himself accessible to everyone, giving so much of himself it's insane. I was berating myself asking over and over what I did wrong. I asked a couple of the other girls there and they said he was charming, talked to them about Paris and Germany and Croatia. Made them feel so special and beautiful. Lots of I love yous and gentle warmth, even the two other older women I was talking to.
Generally speaking I'm a warm person and a good listener. People often vent their frustrations to me knowing I'm not going to judge. And more than that I guess I have one of those faces or personalities where you can be mean to me almost and I'll come back for more, or at least not make you feel bad about it. Maybe he felt comfortable being a little more frustrated because of that. Maybe he's tired or sick. Maybe there just wasn't anything there and I really messed this up. Maybe... Maybe...
One of the girls told me about how she wanted to just go back upstairs and I just wanted to say yeah, you can take my turn. A lot of people I know have been asking me what I thought and what happened and I was like it was surreal because I didn't want to be like he was kind of an ass to me. I am SO happy for all the people that had amazing experiences and went to see him multiple times or are trying to find ways to see him again. I am not that person.
At one point Karin came up and asked if I was ok, I assumed she was talking about them still trying to figure out the ticket nonsense. I wonder if she was checking on me because he had sad puppy face as I went to leave and he initiated and kinda called me back for a hug at the very end. Maybe he asked her to. Right before they opened the doors the guys from the venue, after being told that we could stay, said we couldn't stay. Or at least we had to wait until the end and maybe we could buy a ticket if everyone didn't show up and come in the back of the theater. Giving up our good spots but we could still see the show.
So they brought us outside and we stood in the rain for over an hour after all of that. Karin came by to tell us that they were trying to get us in, talking to me and making me feel like she was concerned. All I kept thinking about was him telling me to go see the city, and this guy that had been my idol and inspiration and a beacon of light in a dark time and was so kind to people in the grocery store and online and everything wasn't what I thought. I used to be a cast member at Disney and have had lots of celebrity encounters, some people are jerks some people are angels. All in all they're just people. At the end of the day I wasn't going out of my way to see them so if someone was lackluster who cares. If I ran into him in a grocery store I'd be like well I was bothering him obviously but this? No. Anyway, I tried to show a bit of myself and have fun and I feel like I didn't get a word in edge wise. I feel like I wasn't special and he was annoyed at my existence.
Darren was set to perform at 9 and at 855 I was ready to give up. I was going to get a beer, drink my internal demons, and go back to my hotel and sleep and try to forget this day existed. Answer my tweets tactfully because I somehow felt the need to protect him and not be like yeah he hurt my feelings or that was just... Not what I expected. I've been through a lot of disappointment in my life, I've grown up in abusive homes and have struggled for everything I have, so I try not to have expectations so I'm always surprised, but I somehow expected a warmth or something that wasn't there. I expected to feel pretty and special and then I thought maybe it's because I'm not any of those things and the people he flirts with and says are beautiful and special are the real deal, like he really thinks they're beautiful and special and maybe I'm just not.
So I was about to give up when the security guard came and got us, told us that we were his personal guests, and rushed us up to the front, stage right, to enjoy the show. I made eye contact with Darren a couple times right after part of your world while he was on his guitar, felt almost like he was looking for me, and I really enjoyed the show. When I was looking at it through my camera it felt almost like I was home again with my dreams and silly swooning. I put all the other thoughts out of my head and just enjoyed how passionate he was, how he sang several of my favorite songs including the two I had suggested. And I focused on that alone.
Over the last few days I've really struggled with my internal demons. I feel like I should grow up, I should give up my books and fangirls and being allowed to be excited, I should find some sort of desk job or go back to teaching when I get home to the states and just give up on my ridiculous obsession with making people happy and working in film/theater/publishing/music/etc. Being silly and emotional and goofy is a great sort of image to have for some people, but maybe I just need to give up all of these ridiculous dreams because the guy I've sort of admired made me feel like giving up and was beyond disappointing, so disappointing that I feel like I don't want anything to do with the whole industry as much as I'm like yeah I don't want to do this with him anymore either. Like I want to delete all the music and everything, anything that reminded me of my more bitter than sweet moment, the one I'd scrimped and saved for.
There were good things. The pictures at the beginning. The show. He didn't have to get me and those girls in and he did. His hug at the end. How his eyes are really deep and how passionate he gets and how fun the show was. How awesome Karin was and how I'd love to network with her and pick her brain about how to get in her field. My husband and best friends have been encouraging about how I shouldn't give up on my dreams because of this.
Again, I love Darren. I love what he does for his fans. I'm so glad so many people have had experiences of a lifetime. I'm glad almost that I was the one that had this experience because I can pull out the positives and try to focus on that and get through this with a little help from my friends. I’m grateful for the man, the humanized just another person, and I wish him well on his tour, career and life. I just wanted to share my experience and tell everyone to be grateful for the moment you have because it really is a privilege and you should really value the sincerity of your good experience.