lack of life
*sigh*
I suppose a sigh is as good a way as any to start this post. I am bored, lonely, and depressed. I admit it. I am rarely bored in my life; it is not a feeling I am used to, and it certainly isn't one I enjoy. I am an adult yet I have not learned how to be happy with myself, by myself.
I have a home I share with two men, yet I wish I lived alone, yet I hate being alone. I am a walking contradiction. I need my personal space. I've busted my ass and worked hard for the things I have. My car is paid off, it's ghetto, it's falling apart, but it's mine. I own a condo, but I can't afford to live in it by myself. I hate not having control. I don't want to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I struggle enough being responsible for myself. I don't want to be responsible for other people's messes or finances, or financial messes for that matter. I want my roommates to pull their fair share. I want to be able to cook a meal without washing someone else's dirty dishes first. I want to be able to enjoy a cup of tea and a good book on my balcony. I want to be able to walk in my bedroom and open my drawers without standing on or moving piles of clothes on the floor. I want to know that on the first rent will be paid and I can pay my mortgage on time.
I have a new job, I have two jobs. I interview well. I am smart. I can have any career I want, but I don't know what I want to do. I work hard, 30-50 hours a week, and I still live paycheck to paycheck. I can't afford health insurance or plane tickets. If I get sick or hurt I just have to deal with it. My neck and back have been fucked up for over a year. I am in pain every day. I don't sleep well. I can't concentrate at work, I can't afford to go to the doctor or do anything else about it. I do my physical therapy exercises and stretches and hope that one day that will be good enough and I will be better.
I want to have grand adventures. I want to be outdoors. I want to travel. I want to hike and snowboard and backpack. I want to surround myself with people who want to do the same. I want friends who enjoy the same activities as me, have similar ambitions, and consequently enjoy each others' company. I want to surround myself with people who are reliable, responsible, spontaneous, willing to take risks, go new places, and escape society for awhile. I want friends who are strong and independent and reliable and respectable and who appreciate me and treat me with respect and genuinely enjoy our time together.
I want to share my wants. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be with someone that makes my life better. Someone who can make me smile. Someone who is an equal partner. Someone who wants to share in all the things I want to do in my life. I want someone who will help me get ahead in life. Someone who will not only help me realize my dreams, but will help me achieve them. I don't want to be held back. I want to adventure and share my adventures.
I know what I want and I know what I don't. Here comes the million dollar question. How do I achieve this? How do I abolish boredom? How do I cultivate meaningful relationships? How do I balance work and life and enjoy both and be financially and emotionally successful? How do I achieve true happiness and appreciate and be satisfied with what I have and develop what I don't? How do I find others who are on board with this or how do I do this alone?
*sigh*
I suppose a sigh is as good a way as any to start this post. I am bored, lonely, and depressed. I admit it. I am rarely bored in my life; it is not a feeling I am used to, and it certainly isn't one I enjoy. I am an adult yet I have not learned how to be happy with myself, by myself.
I have a home I share with two men, yet I wish I lived alone, yet I hate being alone. I am a walking contradiction. I need my personal space. I've busted my ass and worked hard for the things I have. My car is paid off, it's ghetto, it's falling apart, but it's mine. I own a condo, but I can't afford to live in it by myself. I hate not having control. I don't want to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I struggle enough being responsible for myself. I don't want to be responsible for other people's messes or finances, or financial messes for that matter. I want my roommates to pull their fair share. I want to be able to cook a meal without washing someone else's dirty dishes first. I want to be able to enjoy a cup of tea and a good book on my balcony. I want to be able to walk in my bedroom and open my drawers without standing on or moving piles of clothes on the floor. I want to know that on the first rent will be paid and I can pay my mortgage on time.
I have a new job, I have two jobs. I interview well. I am smart. I can have any career I want, but I don't know what I want to do. I work hard, 30-50 hours a week, and I still live paycheck to paycheck. I can't afford health insurance or plane tickets. If I get sick or hurt I just have to deal with it. My neck and back have been fucked up for over a year. I am in pain every day. I don't sleep well. I can't concentrate at work, I can't afford to go to the doctor or do anything else about it. I do my physical therapy exercises and stretches and hope that one day that will be good enough and I will be better.
I want to have grand adventures. I want to be outdoors. I want to travel. I want to hike and snowboard and backpack. I want to surround myself with people who want to do the same. I want friends who enjoy the same activities as me, have similar ambitions, and consequently enjoy each others' company. I want to surround myself with people who are reliable, responsible, spontaneous, willing to take risks, go new places, and escape society for awhile. I want friends who are strong and independent and reliable and respectable and who appreciate me and treat me with respect and genuinely enjoy our time together.
I want to share my wants. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be with someone that makes my life better. Someone who can make me smile. Someone who is an equal partner. Someone who wants to share in all the things I want to do in my life. I want someone who will help me get ahead in life. Someone who will not only help me realize my dreams, but will help me achieve them. I don't want to be held back. I want to adventure and share my adventures.
I know what I want and I know what I don't. Here comes the million dollar question. How do I achieve this? How do I abolish boredom? How do I cultivate meaningful relationships? How do I balance work and life and enjoy both and be financially and emotionally successful? How do I achieve true happiness and appreciate and be satisfied with what I have and develop what I don't? How do I find others who are on board with this or how do I do this alone?
*sigh*