Taking Time for Myself
I have been thinking quite a bit about what it means to really take time for myself, or do my life like I would like or in a way that is a right fit for me. I got sick, recently. That stuff that we all say is allergies, but we really know we're contagious. I did everyone else the favor and stayed home.
I just had the discussion with my trainer, Charles, about how he started his Master's degree, two weeks after he finished his Bachelor's degree, and he is going to take at least a summer break afterward. And I just want to say, I get it. I started college, and not concurrent courses, but 13 full hours, while I was still going to FMHS. Then I started my Master's coursework while I was still an undergrad (10 hours, + 1 master's class). And after my nearly twice-as-long-as-average master's program in a caring profession, of COURSE I didn't want to go to work full-time in an emotionally taxing field. Fuck yes I wanted the job with the least amount of responsibility possible.
So in getting sick, once again I revisit my Life's Choices. I guess I'll just free-associate, and let's face it, I'm probably writing this all out for Squirrel's amusement, anyway. ;-)
I find myself wasting a lot of time on things that aren't important or aren't supported. I could go into detail about these things, but they can generally said to cover all the important life facets, so it's not really crucial to isolate everything. What I think IS important to highlight is--perhaps I should stop doing the unsupported things. My mom has this saying, "If it isn't easy, it's impossible." And I LIKE that saying. It means to me, if you're constantly struggling, let it go. Just move on from it.
There's a lot at TWU that is unsupported, and I'm sick of advocating for myself. They already know what certifications I have. When they want them, they'll come talk to me. In the mean time, I don't really see that I should do much more than punching it in. Granted, yes, I still have a job to do--I guess it just makes it easier to care less. Maybe I just need to steel off a little bit of "me" with respect to work. Also, the private gym I train at pays you contract wages (yay, my first 1099) at a whopping $10/hr. So, essentially, they pay you minimum wage. And their argument is that you can write off a bunch of stuff on your taxes, except for that I don't. I do my best to refrain from spending money on stuff like that, now. I mean, YES, I have finally found a healthy balance between need/want/enough, so there's not a huge demand to keep shopping. I would like more books and restorative gear? Um, we can write off aerial rigging for the backyard? Ugh. My point is, unless somehow I can get to a larger wage or pockets of wages, there's not a lot to pull me FROM my present job set-up TO that one. In fact, I really don't know where I want to take that...
I think what this really means, all this talk about where I should be spending the bulk of my earning hours outside the home at, is not so much trying to maximize *time* spent earning, but more like maximize the earning that occurs in a decided amount of time. Okay, well thank God that's been decided. So how much time is reasonable to be doing all of the things? I'm almost halfway to 40 and I still haven't figured out a healthy work/life/play balance. And the irony is that I've gotten SO used to being-single-in-a-relationship, that my actual significant other, who has a whole host of healthy married couple friends, is wanting to you know, actually spend time with me, instead of serve as my freaking house-mate. SIGH...
I am unused to that. We had a discussion the other day where I told him that the only time I had a regular schedule was essentially that combined High School/First Year of College, when I worked at the theatre matinees. My entire adult life, I have exclusively had a chaotic schedule. Jesus Christ, no wonder I cannot function, and cannot for the life of me figure out just how on earth to get out of this holding pattern, without quitting everything. And maybe that wouldn't even be bad. Take the most hours in Dallas b/c they pay the best and it will most likely be the most enriching to me, and then let everything just peter out. I don't have to quit, just take on less. Make my office hours noon to 4 every day. Train myself at the gym in the mornings after dance. Be more selective about the dance classes I do select, so that I have more time w/ my S.O., even if we're just jogging laps around the neighborhood (which, of course would be quite lovely). Tell Allison I want the most classes for Yoga possible, and then don't sweat it when she gives me a whopping TWO.
Is this where this is going? Do I just have to ride out the semester, and then get to tone it down after we're married? And what about CPCH? Not that THAT matters, b/c it's all super-easy, and Grant is awesome, and I basically already have the job.
Or should I just start applying to other municipalities? Even though I already know I don't want to do any driving, AND thanks to Kyle, Monica fired me? Oh, Gawd damn it. We really already know where this is going. I'm going to work part time for (hopefully) the rest of my life, and I feel shitty about it b/c I feel like Squirrel is doing all the work, both at his actual job and also second shift at home, and it make me feel guilty, terrible, and undeserving. I truly do not feel like I am contributing enough, and ALSO, I feel exhausted all the time. I feel like both of these are unacceptable.
Perhaps I need to pay church a visit, if I am still having all these existential questions about what to do with myself. It's getting difficult to remember that I am more than just my jobs, more than just my body, more than just a few facets of my entire self.
Not sure that I got to where I set out to, but this is a decent place to stop writing.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle