Jennar e
This is how my night went.
I just got home from dance. Squirrel had set up the front room all nice, b/c I've been having really bad back pain, and wanted to see if the firmer futon would offer any insight as to whether or not my pain is the fault of the bed. I finished our laundry and put it away. He came in from working with Bear on the leash. We talked for a few minutes, then I went to brush my teeth. He showered after I was out. I laid in bed and read a little of the Oatmeal book my mom got me for Christmas. He came in and rubbed my feet. I got up and peed b/c I'm me, and took a melatonin. I asked if he was too tired to rub my back, b/c I was really having trouble relaxing and going to sleep, and told him that I'd even taken the melatonin. He asked why, and I told him I was stressed that I hadn't heard from you since I texted you after dance on Monday morning.
He rubbed my back, and I finally started to relax and fall asleep. Fantastically, just as I was starting to fall asleep, the fucker starts to dry-hump me (That is the thing w/ the clothes still on, right?). I don't even know what to do, so I just freeze. I just waited for him to stop. He kept falling asleep and waking back up (dozing off while he's doing this to my backside) so I am laying here, waiting forever for him to pass out. He does, and I get up to go bunk out in the bathroom, as he has all the blankets with him.
Is this what people do? Is this a normal, in-a-relationship, thing? I thought it wasn't okay to perform anything sexual on someone who was unconscious, and this unable to offer consent. Plus, I'd said that I'd taken the melatonin, which I figured would have indicated I was wanting to sleep. And then while I'm by FAR not the most sexually expressive, you'd think he'd be looking for at least some sign of enjoyment by me (of which I most certainly hope I was offering none), or verbally check in. Shit, not that it matters, but I read both the Topping and Bottoming books, and I really don't think this was Topping gone well. I feel used. For example: (and I apologize, if you've heard this one)
In 2008 when I was with Brenly, we had actually gone to a Halloween party together at the skating rink in Lewisville. I had to drive b/c he didn't have a license. I also had early and long work that day, but we went to this party and had a pretty decent time. We went back to my apartment, and were getting ready to sleep. And he kept pawing at me, physically. Like you did the night before we left for Mys, except for you were sweet, and this was nagging. I was SO exhausted and he kept pawing at me and trying to kiss on me and grab my boobs and touch my twat, that out of desperation, I asked him, "If I give you a hand job, will you leave me alone and let me sleep?" He agreed (who wouldn't), so I said I would give him said hand job, so long as he didn't try anything to try and turn me on (Obviously, I don't WANT to be turned on right now, I want to sleep!). He tried to shove his fingers up my twat. I couldn't stand it. So then we got to argue about that, and of course, I still didn't get any sleep. In this instance, sex is just completely a transactionary commodity, used in exchange for being ALLOWED a decent night of sleep.
So here we are today, and I'm fucking having a flashback. Sure, I'm the old weird, pious chick that isn't used to how normal people do sexuality. But that just felt all kinds of not awesome to me, man. Especially since either yesterday or the day before, we agreed that whenever we do want to initiate any kind of sex play (or pursue any Malificent-style adventures), we need to start well before either of us have reached tired-to-the-point-of-no-return. And between the adventures we had on Saturday, then I ended up missing a lot of sleep last night, and then what started as initially just trouble sleeping tonight, I feel really offended that he either couldn't let me get a decent fucking night of sleep, or that he felt like it was okay to molest me in my sleep.
And then it's like, fine, while supposedly this is not a big deal, well what the hell ELSE have you done to me or my body while you thought I was sleeping? Or passed out drunk (not very frequently, but you know)? And if I can't trust you to be respectful of my person/body/need for sleep, then Jesus H. Christ, you've had MORE than enough access to my home and records (ALL of them). Which leaves me spiraling into that dangerous territory of what-the-hell-am-I-doing. Is this a safe relationship? Any time before the last 24 hours, I would have told you absolutely. Hands down. Now I'm all fucked up and weird about it. How the heck am I going to ever look him in the face again? Or let go of how angry I am right now? How am I ever going to relax and trust that a sexual encounter is about love and attraction, instead of just trying to get an orgasm, whether I am a willing participant, or not? I had just started to trust that sex was a real expression of love. Now I'm back to feeling like sex is just another way to get something out of me.
And I was too scared to initiate a txt conversation or call you, b/c I was afraid you'd want to send a boundary message by continued radio silence, thinking I was baiting you. But I'm really not. I'm really upset, and needed my best friend, especially you, since you're the person who knows this part of me the most. I'm FAR too ashamed to tell anybody else, and I really don't think they'd be willing to understand my feelings, anyway. So now I'm going to have to go to dance class very early tomorrow morning, and then a planned movie with my Mum (praying I get out of coffee), and I'm going to have to go about my day like nothing's wrong. And in the mean time, all of my big loneliness fears start to pop up, like maybe I'll just always be alone, and can clearly forget about any rewarding sexual encounters.
I actually laid on my bathroom floor and cried, not just b/c of this bullshit, but b/c this bullshit AND I couldn't reach out and talk to you about it when I felt like I needed to. I didn't want you to be overwhelmed by me, so I'm e-mailing you. Thanks for listening, T.O.E.
I just got home from dance. Squirrel had set up the front room all nice, b/c I've been having really bad back pain, and wanted to see if the firmer futon would offer any insight as to whether or not my pain is the fault of the bed. I finished our laundry and put it away. He came in from working with Bear on the leash. We talked for a few minutes, then I went to brush my teeth. He showered after I was out. I laid in bed and read a little of the Oatmeal book my mom got me for Christmas. He came in and rubbed my feet. I got up and peed b/c I'm me, and took a melatonin. I asked if he was too tired to rub my back, b/c I was really having trouble relaxing and going to sleep, and told him that I'd even taken the melatonin. He asked why, and I told him I was stressed that I hadn't heard from you since I texted you after dance on Monday morning.
He rubbed my back, and I finally started to relax and fall asleep. Fantastically, just as I was starting to fall asleep, the fucker starts to dry-hump me (That is the thing w/ the clothes still on, right?). I don't even know what to do, so I just freeze. I just waited for him to stop. He kept falling asleep and waking back up (dozing off while he's doing this to my backside) so I am laying here, waiting forever for him to pass out. He does, and I get up to go bunk out in the bathroom, as he has all the blankets with him.
Is this what people do? Is this a normal, in-a-relationship, thing? I thought it wasn't okay to perform anything sexual on someone who was unconscious, and this unable to offer consent. Plus, I'd said that I'd taken the melatonin, which I figured would have indicated I was wanting to sleep. And then while I'm by FAR not the most sexually expressive, you'd think he'd be looking for at least some sign of enjoyment by me (of which I most certainly hope I was offering none), or verbally check in. Shit, not that it matters, but I read both the Topping and Bottoming books, and I really don't think this was Topping gone well. I feel used. For example: (and I apologize, if you've heard this one)
In 2008 when I was with Brenly, we had actually gone to a Halloween party together at the skating rink in Lewisville. I had to drive b/c he didn't have a license. I also had early and long work that day, but we went to this party and had a pretty decent time. We went back to my apartment, and were getting ready to sleep. And he kept pawing at me, physically. Like you did the night before we left for Mys, except for you were sweet, and this was nagging. I was SO exhausted and he kept pawing at me and trying to kiss on me and grab my boobs and touch my twat, that out of desperation, I asked him, "If I give you a hand job, will you leave me alone and let me sleep?" He agreed (who wouldn't), so I said I would give him said hand job, so long as he didn't try anything to try and turn me on (Obviously, I don't WANT to be turned on right now, I want to sleep!). He tried to shove his fingers up my twat. I couldn't stand it. So then we got to argue about that, and of course, I still didn't get any sleep. In this instance, sex is just completely a transactionary commodity, used in exchange for being ALLOWED a decent night of sleep.
So here we are today, and I'm fucking having a flashback. Sure, I'm the old weird, pious chick that isn't used to how normal people do sexuality. But that just felt all kinds of not awesome to me, man. Especially since either yesterday or the day before, we agreed that whenever we do want to initiate any kind of sex play (or pursue any Malificent-style adventures), we need to start well before either of us have reached tired-to-the-point-of-no-return. And between the adventures we had on Saturday, then I ended up missing a lot of sleep last night, and then what started as initially just trouble sleeping tonight, I feel really offended that he either couldn't let me get a decent fucking night of sleep, or that he felt like it was okay to molest me in my sleep.
And then it's like, fine, while supposedly this is not a big deal, well what the hell ELSE have you done to me or my body while you thought I was sleeping? Or passed out drunk (not very frequently, but you know)? And if I can't trust you to be respectful of my person/body/need for sleep, then Jesus H. Christ, you've had MORE than enough access to my home and records (ALL of them). Which leaves me spiraling into that dangerous territory of what-the-hell-am-I-doing. Is this a safe relationship? Any time before the last 24 hours, I would have told you absolutely. Hands down. Now I'm all fucked up and weird about it. How the heck am I going to ever look him in the face again? Or let go of how angry I am right now? How am I ever going to relax and trust that a sexual encounter is about love and attraction, instead of just trying to get an orgasm, whether I am a willing participant, or not? I had just started to trust that sex was a real expression of love. Now I'm back to feeling like sex is just another way to get something out of me.
And I was too scared to initiate a txt conversation or call you, b/c I was afraid you'd want to send a boundary message by continued radio silence, thinking I was baiting you. But I'm really not. I'm really upset, and needed my best friend, especially you, since you're the person who knows this part of me the most. I'm FAR too ashamed to tell anybody else, and I really don't think they'd be willing to understand my feelings, anyway. So now I'm going to have to go to dance class very early tomorrow morning, and then a planned movie with my Mum (praying I get out of coffee), and I'm going to have to go about my day like nothing's wrong. And in the mean time, all of my big loneliness fears start to pop up, like maybe I'll just always be alone, and can clearly forget about any rewarding sexual encounters.
I actually laid on my bathroom floor and cried, not just b/c of this bullshit, but b/c this bullshit AND I couldn't reach out and talk to you about it when I felt like I needed to. I didn't want you to be overwhelmed by me, so I'm e-mailing you. Thanks for listening, T.O.E.