It Bothers You that I Haven't Re-Followed You, It Bothers Me that I've Resorted to Biting & Grinding
Something is Wrong-wrong with me.
There's not something wrong as in WRONG, but it's more than just, oh, something's wrong. I think, the problem is--at it's core--that "Person" and I like to accuse the other one of being both great for us, and detrimental to us. Those both breed problems.
The one accused of being a great catch becomes fearful of not living up to expectations, and starts to play up her illnesses. The one being accused of being detrimental points the fingers accusingly (and accurately) right back in retaliation. As he's started doing the work on himself, my insecurity mounts. When I see that my friend has begun examining codependency, I panic. How pathetic is that. I am convinced that I am so unlovable, that I think a man's codependent tendencies work in my favor. Metacognitively, I realize that this is kerosene to the flame; look how low your self-esteem is--you're COMPLETELY undeserving of love until you fix THAT, for certain. Then you have to be completely comfortable being lonely all the time...and the rest of the lies that modern, pop psychology would have us believe about ourselves. I'm frustrated b/c I feel like we've been telling each other, "I can't allow myself the risk of loving you, until you are perfect." And while I acknowledge that we've both got work to do on ourselves, it still hurts, and quite a bit.
As it usually tends to go with him, I'd started to feel comfortable being honest about my feelings. Which was such a relief. Especially recently, realizing what a mistake I'd made in not going after him immediately, I want to be able to be open with him about how I feel.
And it's completely unfair, b/c true to Family Therapy form, now that I'm interested and ready (and doing the things) to start something with him, he's pulled back at a rate that sends my hyper-aware Aspergerian-self into a mayday hail. Which leaves me scared that I'm doing all this for nothing. And I know at the end of the day, it's not for nothing. That Kyle needs to be willing to do the work that it takes to be an adult in a relationship. But yes, if I had a choice between a mediocre relationship and no relationship, my tendency is toward togetherness. But really, it was the threat of the loss of Person that made me decide that it was worth it to me to end it with Kyle. The fear that I would lose those deep bonds to Person...it was just unacceptable to me.
So I'm getting started on getting him out. We're doing it for real. He knows he's going to go. He even said he understood my point of view--that it is stressful for the house to constantly be a wreck. He's even kept the kitchen clean. Then I have to fight to remind myself, "Where was this guy, THIS ENTIRE TIME?" But he's going. I won't get the dog, and I'll get stuck with the car, but it's happening before the end of May. I am sad. I did love him. I still do, but not like I did. I've been constantly grieving the relationship, and there is just SO MUCH HURT.
But back to the original point. My insecurity made me reach out, and be honest about how I was feeling. Something's going on with him, but I don't understand what it is. When we talk, I know that he is waiting, but not exactly hold out hope for, me to get Kyle out the door. But he openly states that he's not nearly excited about anything happening between us any longer. But he also points out that if he really wasn't interested in me, he wouldn't even care at all, or be talking to me. So...what is it? Do I have a relationship, or at least an attempt at one, anything, please, to look forward to with him at the termination of Kyle? While I"m single, while I have any kind of opportunity for at least the realization of my erotica? And I'm here, asking this, when I remember the guy at or near the surface of tears, asking ME if his past behavior had sabotaged us from ever having something in the future. So what the fuck? Why is the future not here, if we've finally decided this is a good thing? I don't understand.
Following up with this, Person insists that I'm all kind of broken from the past, which is hilarious b/c he's one to talk. And we're both seeing real therapists, getting real work done. He even said he would be willing to go to therapy with me. We can do this...
But then as I was driving home, and realizing HOW HARD it is to change someone with my perception disorder, I felt like, "If he wants me to do all this growing and changing, and won't come near me until I'm 'ready,' and I don't have an operational definition of what that is, then I'll never be able to be 'good enough.'" That I'll work for the rest of my life for emotional health, and still not be worthy of another partner's love.
Where I'm sitting at now, I've been ignored all day, after I said I would stop pursuing him. After I'd seen the codependency workbook on the bed in his room, I couldn't bear the disappointment. I told him that I understood he really wouldn't be coming after me any longer. I told him I'd try and leave him alone, too. Then he stopped talking to me. I even called, man. And the really sad thing is, I called b/c I was so excited about a bunch of stuff, and I just thought Person would be THE most fun to tell.
1. A hystrionic personality escaped into work...OMG!
2. A student almost failed and burst into tears on me/we hugged after
3. I got to incorporate lots of actual teaching/test outs for the LGI candidates
4. Paul-David was proud of me for not just LGI-T, but also CPO-I application!
5. A Tornado hit Denton, and I missed all the Action
6. I surprised the entire class by telling them it was my very first class to teach!
Regardless of how much he has stressed in the past that he would never let me be lonely, I've been lonely. Regardless of how he said that we had too deep and otherwise decent a friendship we have--to let it go to waste--it feels like that's what's happening. That's awful! This is the friend that I love so much, that even if he wants nothing romantic with me from here on out, I cannot stand to lose him. I really do love him that much. I would rather have his friendship, and cope with the discomfort at the loss of opportunity for anything else to blossom and move on, than be left forgotten by my favorite friend. So yeah, I considered this fucker my best friend, and I feel abandoned.
My therapist would vascilate between the alluring stability of Squirrel, which is know is the "better" choice; and the very real need for attraction and connection, which is Person.
I know that on Person's end, what he's really doing is protecting himself from me. Don't let that bitch get your hopes up, only to muck about, never taking action. But I feel punished. I feel like my best friend and my crush is punishing me.
And frankly, I didn't understand his attraction level to me in the first place. Shit, have I ever HAD someone act like they were that into me before? So from where I am sitting, I feel like, we have two very scared people. I am ready to make promises I can keep. Promise me a real chance.
And then I feel like, an outsider looking at this would say, But he's given you his answer in his silence. He's done with you. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm going to give him space, even if it kills me. But I can't take another Alex. And that's what today felt like. Stonewalling is the WORST form of emotional punishment. I wish he would just yell, then I would know he still cared.
And for the record, I broke it down for Squirrel, and straight up said I loved you more. And that I always had, and he knew it. And he did. We're okay being still just friends.
And frankly, I would more than settle for my Person-friend right now.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle