The Things I Let Myself Become
I have done so much.
Okay, first, let's get to what I was trying to clear up in the first place. Back in 2010, a Burner girl put me in touch with Squirrel who came and mowed my lawn, and did small jobs around the house for me and my mom. I totally had a crush on him, but never said anything about it. We stayed in touch on FB, but he never seemed that interested in me, so I wrote him off. I started dating Dustin that summer, and Squirrel got a job--referring us to Paul, who now does the lawns. This past summer, Squirrel and I started msging back and forth, and rekindled our friendship. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been hoping that something would develop between the two of us, at the time I first reached out to him, way back in July. However, he still did not seem interested, so I wasn't expecting anything. He started getting interested literally just before Myscheivia, right as you and I were trying to get out the door. I was surprised. When you get up in arms, this is the part you're welcome to get upset about: You asked me if he was a threat, and I said he wasn't. I was wrong. I'm sorry. That was a lie.
Then, after Myscheivia, as you and I have talked about, you went scary-nuts. I was scared to talk to you, scared of what I would get met with when I saw you, scared to turn my phone on. God damn. I never knew what kind of response I was going to get met with, just always angry. I hated it, it was miserable, it drove me away from you (and not to Squirrel--we hadn't had any time to hang out), and I resigned myself to the status quo. Which I know. Everyone is begging me to get out. To do what must be done. I cannot BELIEVE myself for getting in this position, and whether or not you (or anyone else) had arrived on the scene, I have nobody else to blame but myself. I was the one who was willing to pacify, and to make excuse for, and accommodate such horrifically poor behavior. I taught him that making me insecure would be rewarded for so long that after the bullshit that was South Padre Island, plus living with the fucker, I did what the real problem here is: I treated him the way he treated me. I went on the dating websites. I went on dates. From at least mid-July. I don't know what happened. I wasn't super interested in any of them, but damn I needed to meet some new people and have people be interested in me, for once. So yes. I did that before Squirrel even came on the scene at all. This is something I'm deeply ashamed of.
I've never even been interested in anyone other than my boyfriends, except for when I met Michael, when I was with Brenly (2008). It was a similar situation, in that I met someone I was deeply attracted to, and scared to end my relationship. I did end my relationship, however, and then Michael abruptly fled. I mean I never even got an "I'm just not that into you," explanation. Just nothing. But Travis, Twitch, Brenly, Mitch, Rusty, Dustin, Alex...I was crazy about all of them. Toward the end, I will say I hated Dustin--it just got all selfish, and I realized things were just going nowhere. And I ended it for Alex. Again, that abrupt dump. If I do it a third time, and kill off a relationship for someone who seems genuinely excited about me, and me about you, will you follow suit? Will I get dumped and cut off with no explanation? B/c you seem just as reasonable as the other two did. And I got nothing but heartache.
So then you hear me say I size all the people up, and think Jesus, What is wrong with her? It's not like that. When I met Tristan, drunkenly arguing with Abel over Lifeguarding, I absolutely felt him out (He got job/car/priors?), but not because I was immediately going to dump Dustin if I found seemingly greener grass. I sized him up b/c a long time ago, I learned from Family Guy, of all places, that you need to open yourself up to different men. People you would not suspect of being awesome, or a good match for you, can come from the most surprising sources. From the biggest nerd, or a fat, curly-haired, programmer, you just never know who is going to really turn out to be somebody. And I'd basically concluded that until I was in relationships that were going anywhere, this was something I needed to take with me. And I saw that episode of family guy when I was with Eric. I didn't think anything of it at the time, as I was engaged, but when I was single, I remembered it, b/c I wanted to give everyone a chance. And in the case of when I'm with someone, it doesn't mean right the fuck then, or ever, if Life has other plans. But I wasn't sizing these people up b/c I was considering myself single and open to them while still in a relationship! Not at all! Jesus!
So what I feel guilty about the most is treating Kyle like he treated me.
Then, I feel guilty about having feelings for you, and not having the courage to just fucking end my relationship when I needed to, and had a good push from you. When you asked me if I wanted to try a relationship with you at Chrissy's wedding reception, I was too scared to tell you yes. I was wrong. I should have said yes and jumped in with both feet.
And I feel guilty for not being able to tell you about the entire situation with Squirrel. It's not an excuse on my part, but frankly, by the time I realized further explanation was necessary, we had reached the point in our Jennar-Bethany weird thing, where you were mad at me ALL the time, I could do nothing right, and could NEVER figure out what was going on. I was so frustrated, scared, and hopeless, that I just never figured out what to do. So then tonight (yesterday), I found an opening, where I could explain and apologize, and decided that I needed to take it. I'd been able to be honest with you about my feelings a couple times recently, and you didn't slaughter me for it. Things looked promising.
Jennar, we're bullshitting ourselves if we think I'll be enough for you. I'm pretty confident sex is going to be pretty miserable for me. Everything rubs the wrong way and hurts. Everyone's dick is too big, and hammers at my cervix. There's not enough lube in the world to take the vag-burn off that condom. I always feel like I'm getting motherfucking ripped in half. The guy is mad b/c I just lay there, b/c I have no idea what to do. Everything feels weird and hurts, and I feel like I'm at a fucking audition, being evaluated on some skill I haven't even been taught, yet, that everyone says I have to know. I'm completely non-vocal, and then become nervously hyper-verbal, if I can get the courage to even talk. You know those submissives that do not say a word? I'm beyond that girl. And let's not forget that when people try to get close to me, and I'm afraid they're going to try and make me have sex with them, I burst into tears like a gododamned rape victim (I have not, to my knowledge, been raped). B/c you know, sobbing, snotty girls are super-sexy. I look at you, with your insatiable appetite, and how can I not think, "He will be bored and frustrated until he throws his hands up."?
On shallower notes, I know I can't drive you around places like you'll need. I know I'm supposed to be able to, but you've seen me. I'm doing good to not kill myself in the car. And I know you aren't all that into stone-cold sobriety, but that's when you, personally, are my favorite. Don't get me wrong, I like to take things with you, too. But just occasionally. B/c I like you so much when you're ordinary Jennar. I know that you wanted to decorate together and have it be "our" place. While I TOTALLY get why that is important, it's also really stressful for me b/c I already had to "compromise" by letting everyone else have his way. After years of doing that, I don't want to, anymore. I want to decorate my bathroom with a bunch of Dr. Who crap, and throw out all my stuff. And you have a lot of stuff. My house is a wreck b/c Kyle won't go through his things. I want to have a house that is easy for me to clean, and isn't filled with clutter. I can't function like that. And I'm afraid that you'll want to pile a room full of crap just like he did, and I'll have the same experience with a different boyfriend, and a little piece of my soul will die. I love you. I really do. But I am afraid that you need (and deserve) more from a girlfriend that I am able to, or even fucking know how, to give to you. And the things I need from a partner, every time I put the feelers out to see if you might be safe for me, you keep letting me know that you aren't safe for me, and that you won't be able or interested in meeting a great deal of my needs. Which, look at my relationships. I meet my own needs (sexual, emotional, social, and daily living tasks) because none of the boyfriends ever have. No wonder my relationships are fucked up.
There are things you've said to me that have mattered to me. One was, "I can handle your feelings." Well, I've only just started to trust that I didn't have to be fucking scared of you, anymore, and I wanted to be honest. Being honest was painful, b/c you blew up at me, but I'm still glad I got it over with, b/c I couldn't stand it. Another was something about how what you really wanted to do in a relationship with me was help make my life easier, unlike the way Kyle continuously makes it harder for me. That meant a lot to me. When I asked you, quite some time ago, to e-mail me how it would all work out, that was what I meant. You want to make my life easier? Fantastic! How were you planning on pulling that off? How were you going to do all the things and goals that you need to do (getting through your own legal shit, also getting through tattoo school, or whatever you decide you want to do, etc.), just for you? How did you want to grow as a couple, as opposed to just living together? And shit, how did you want to do that? Did you want to cook every night? Did you want to go on morning walks with me? Join the family at coffee? Grocery shop together? Who runs what errands? HOW DOES IT ALL WORK?! Who, for the love of God, does the dishes/laundry/sweeping, and how frequently? These things keep me up at night. I actually asked Eric to take out the trash during sex b/c it was THE ONLY time I had his attention. And Shit Needed to Be Done. I thought, if I do this for him, could he at least do that for me? The answer was no, btw.
And finally, remember the time when I came over, and you seemed really sad, and you asked me for my forgiveness for all the chaos and hurt during the entire month of November and December? You were really worried and upset that you'd ruined any chance of anything happening between us in the future. Which is silly, b/c I may not be patient, but I am definitely forgiving. I was actually so surprised, b/c I thought you no longer even cared about me, the person. I feel in a similar position. I did the best I could. Obviously, it was still void of a lot needed improvements. I've got a lot of work to do. I know it. When the therapist asked me to give up you and Squirrel for 2 weeks, I knew I'd be fine without him, but I die having to wait a fucking week just to see you. I fall to pieces and blow up your phone. I nag the shit out of you. I miss you. I don't even like physical affection, but when I get a hug or a cuddle from you, it's like a fucking aural massage, and I want to bask in the glow forever. The therapist said she gives it 3 days, I believe.
I don't want to cut off Squirrel, b/c he really is a good, long-time friend of mine. But I will if it makes you insecure, or at least until you feel like you can trust me. B/c I understand how that feels, and I will be damned if I do that to someone I'm with.
But God damn it, really, if we're going to be emotionally torturing each other this much Jennar, let's make it real and freaking be in a legit, exclusive relationship. If it bellies up, I guess it does. You promised you'd never let me be lonely, and I've been lonely all this time that I've barely gotten to see you. Yes, it's my fault. This is me, trying to learn the lessons. If it's too late, you don't want to forgive me, and you're done, then I'm heartbroken, but I do understand. I really do love you, and even though I'll die when I see you with somebody else, I still want you to be happy in the end, even if it's not with me.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle, Your "Bettye"
Okay, first, let's get to what I was trying to clear up in the first place. Back in 2010, a Burner girl put me in touch with Squirrel who came and mowed my lawn, and did small jobs around the house for me and my mom. I totally had a crush on him, but never said anything about it. We stayed in touch on FB, but he never seemed that interested in me, so I wrote him off. I started dating Dustin that summer, and Squirrel got a job--referring us to Paul, who now does the lawns. This past summer, Squirrel and I started msging back and forth, and rekindled our friendship. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been hoping that something would develop between the two of us, at the time I first reached out to him, way back in July. However, he still did not seem interested, so I wasn't expecting anything. He started getting interested literally just before Myscheivia, right as you and I were trying to get out the door. I was surprised. When you get up in arms, this is the part you're welcome to get upset about: You asked me if he was a threat, and I said he wasn't. I was wrong. I'm sorry. That was a lie.
Then, after Myscheivia, as you and I have talked about, you went scary-nuts. I was scared to talk to you, scared of what I would get met with when I saw you, scared to turn my phone on. God damn. I never knew what kind of response I was going to get met with, just always angry. I hated it, it was miserable, it drove me away from you (and not to Squirrel--we hadn't had any time to hang out), and I resigned myself to the status quo. Which I know. Everyone is begging me to get out. To do what must be done. I cannot BELIEVE myself for getting in this position, and whether or not you (or anyone else) had arrived on the scene, I have nobody else to blame but myself. I was the one who was willing to pacify, and to make excuse for, and accommodate such horrifically poor behavior. I taught him that making me insecure would be rewarded for so long that after the bullshit that was South Padre Island, plus living with the fucker, I did what the real problem here is: I treated him the way he treated me. I went on the dating websites. I went on dates. From at least mid-July. I don't know what happened. I wasn't super interested in any of them, but damn I needed to meet some new people and have people be interested in me, for once. So yes. I did that before Squirrel even came on the scene at all. This is something I'm deeply ashamed of.
I've never even been interested in anyone other than my boyfriends, except for when I met Michael, when I was with Brenly (2008). It was a similar situation, in that I met someone I was deeply attracted to, and scared to end my relationship. I did end my relationship, however, and then Michael abruptly fled. I mean I never even got an "I'm just not that into you," explanation. Just nothing. But Travis, Twitch, Brenly, Mitch, Rusty, Dustin, Alex...I was crazy about all of them. Toward the end, I will say I hated Dustin--it just got all selfish, and I realized things were just going nowhere. And I ended it for Alex. Again, that abrupt dump. If I do it a third time, and kill off a relationship for someone who seems genuinely excited about me, and me about you, will you follow suit? Will I get dumped and cut off with no explanation? B/c you seem just as reasonable as the other two did. And I got nothing but heartache.
So then you hear me say I size all the people up, and think Jesus, What is wrong with her? It's not like that. When I met Tristan, drunkenly arguing with Abel over Lifeguarding, I absolutely felt him out (He got job/car/priors?), but not because I was immediately going to dump Dustin if I found seemingly greener grass. I sized him up b/c a long time ago, I learned from Family Guy, of all places, that you need to open yourself up to different men. People you would not suspect of being awesome, or a good match for you, can come from the most surprising sources. From the biggest nerd, or a fat, curly-haired, programmer, you just never know who is going to really turn out to be somebody. And I'd basically concluded that until I was in relationships that were going anywhere, this was something I needed to take with me. And I saw that episode of family guy when I was with Eric. I didn't think anything of it at the time, as I was engaged, but when I was single, I remembered it, b/c I wanted to give everyone a chance. And in the case of when I'm with someone, it doesn't mean right the fuck then, or ever, if Life has other plans. But I wasn't sizing these people up b/c I was considering myself single and open to them while still in a relationship! Not at all! Jesus!
So what I feel guilty about the most is treating Kyle like he treated me.
Then, I feel guilty about having feelings for you, and not having the courage to just fucking end my relationship when I needed to, and had a good push from you. When you asked me if I wanted to try a relationship with you at Chrissy's wedding reception, I was too scared to tell you yes. I was wrong. I should have said yes and jumped in with both feet.
And I feel guilty for not being able to tell you about the entire situation with Squirrel. It's not an excuse on my part, but frankly, by the time I realized further explanation was necessary, we had reached the point in our Jennar-Bethany weird thing, where you were mad at me ALL the time, I could do nothing right, and could NEVER figure out what was going on. I was so frustrated, scared, and hopeless, that I just never figured out what to do. So then tonight (yesterday), I found an opening, where I could explain and apologize, and decided that I needed to take it. I'd been able to be honest with you about my feelings a couple times recently, and you didn't slaughter me for it. Things looked promising.
Jennar, we're bullshitting ourselves if we think I'll be enough for you. I'm pretty confident sex is going to be pretty miserable for me. Everything rubs the wrong way and hurts. Everyone's dick is too big, and hammers at my cervix. There's not enough lube in the world to take the vag-burn off that condom. I always feel like I'm getting motherfucking ripped in half. The guy is mad b/c I just lay there, b/c I have no idea what to do. Everything feels weird and hurts, and I feel like I'm at a fucking audition, being evaluated on some skill I haven't even been taught, yet, that everyone says I have to know. I'm completely non-vocal, and then become nervously hyper-verbal, if I can get the courage to even talk. You know those submissives that do not say a word? I'm beyond that girl. And let's not forget that when people try to get close to me, and I'm afraid they're going to try and make me have sex with them, I burst into tears like a gododamned rape victim (I have not, to my knowledge, been raped). B/c you know, sobbing, snotty girls are super-sexy. I look at you, with your insatiable appetite, and how can I not think, "He will be bored and frustrated until he throws his hands up."?
On shallower notes, I know I can't drive you around places like you'll need. I know I'm supposed to be able to, but you've seen me. I'm doing good to not kill myself in the car. And I know you aren't all that into stone-cold sobriety, but that's when you, personally, are my favorite. Don't get me wrong, I like to take things with you, too. But just occasionally. B/c I like you so much when you're ordinary Jennar. I know that you wanted to decorate together and have it be "our" place. While I TOTALLY get why that is important, it's also really stressful for me b/c I already had to "compromise" by letting everyone else have his way. After years of doing that, I don't want to, anymore. I want to decorate my bathroom with a bunch of Dr. Who crap, and throw out all my stuff. And you have a lot of stuff. My house is a wreck b/c Kyle won't go through his things. I want to have a house that is easy for me to clean, and isn't filled with clutter. I can't function like that. And I'm afraid that you'll want to pile a room full of crap just like he did, and I'll have the same experience with a different boyfriend, and a little piece of my soul will die. I love you. I really do. But I am afraid that you need (and deserve) more from a girlfriend that I am able to, or even fucking know how, to give to you. And the things I need from a partner, every time I put the feelers out to see if you might be safe for me, you keep letting me know that you aren't safe for me, and that you won't be able or interested in meeting a great deal of my needs. Which, look at my relationships. I meet my own needs (sexual, emotional, social, and daily living tasks) because none of the boyfriends ever have. No wonder my relationships are fucked up.
There are things you've said to me that have mattered to me. One was, "I can handle your feelings." Well, I've only just started to trust that I didn't have to be fucking scared of you, anymore, and I wanted to be honest. Being honest was painful, b/c you blew up at me, but I'm still glad I got it over with, b/c I couldn't stand it. Another was something about how what you really wanted to do in a relationship with me was help make my life easier, unlike the way Kyle continuously makes it harder for me. That meant a lot to me. When I asked you, quite some time ago, to e-mail me how it would all work out, that was what I meant. You want to make my life easier? Fantastic! How were you planning on pulling that off? How were you going to do all the things and goals that you need to do (getting through your own legal shit, also getting through tattoo school, or whatever you decide you want to do, etc.), just for you? How did you want to grow as a couple, as opposed to just living together? And shit, how did you want to do that? Did you want to cook every night? Did you want to go on morning walks with me? Join the family at coffee? Grocery shop together? Who runs what errands? HOW DOES IT ALL WORK?! Who, for the love of God, does the dishes/laundry/sweeping, and how frequently? These things keep me up at night. I actually asked Eric to take out the trash during sex b/c it was THE ONLY time I had his attention. And Shit Needed to Be Done. I thought, if I do this for him, could he at least do that for me? The answer was no, btw.
And finally, remember the time when I came over, and you seemed really sad, and you asked me for my forgiveness for all the chaos and hurt during the entire month of November and December? You were really worried and upset that you'd ruined any chance of anything happening between us in the future. Which is silly, b/c I may not be patient, but I am definitely forgiving. I was actually so surprised, b/c I thought you no longer even cared about me, the person. I feel in a similar position. I did the best I could. Obviously, it was still void of a lot needed improvements. I've got a lot of work to do. I know it. When the therapist asked me to give up you and Squirrel for 2 weeks, I knew I'd be fine without him, but I die having to wait a fucking week just to see you. I fall to pieces and blow up your phone. I nag the shit out of you. I miss you. I don't even like physical affection, but when I get a hug or a cuddle from you, it's like a fucking aural massage, and I want to bask in the glow forever. The therapist said she gives it 3 days, I believe.
I don't want to cut off Squirrel, b/c he really is a good, long-time friend of mine. But I will if it makes you insecure, or at least until you feel like you can trust me. B/c I understand how that feels, and I will be damned if I do that to someone I'm with.
But God damn it, really, if we're going to be emotionally torturing each other this much Jennar, let's make it real and freaking be in a legit, exclusive relationship. If it bellies up, I guess it does. You promised you'd never let me be lonely, and I've been lonely all this time that I've barely gotten to see you. Yes, it's my fault. This is me, trying to learn the lessons. If it's too late, you don't want to forgive me, and you're done, then I'm heartbroken, but I do understand. I really do love you, and even though I'll die when I see you with somebody else, I still want you to be happy in the end, even if it's not with me.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle, Your "Bettye"