Blogging
A friend of mine said that she'd read my most recent blog. I'll get to her comments in a moment. But really, there's so much to catch up the blog on.
There's not much I can say in the way of Kyle. I had 3 different guy friends come over to help send him packing, when he was going to be gone at a Mavs game that he won tickets to. I backed out at the last minute. And I'd gone so far as to rent a truck and buy boxes, and everything. Do you know what eventually got me in the end? The damn animals. My cat loves having someone here with him, and the cat really cannot get along with other kitties, or other people, for that matter. And the dog. I want to know that if I'm here, at least the dog won't be suffering as much as if I'm NOT here. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to the dog. B/c even though I am not a dog person, and really do not want the extra responsibility, Bear is a LOVELY boy. Like, damn it. Plus, sometimes I actually like Kyle. He is cute. Y'all know how much I love his hair. :-) He has such a great smile, and nice eyes. When he feels like being compassionate and understanding me, it really does make my world a better place.
But he can't or won't do that all the time. As I said to Brian, "I know it's my own personal fault. I feel awful b/c by staying in the relationship, I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting my friends and family to see me continue in this. I know he means well, but he can't or won't do what it takes to make a 'real' relationship work. And I still miss the guy he used to be, and there are still things I like about him." So they see me hurting, and it's hurting them.
Back to my textual discussion with my friend. She responded to my vague-booking by txting me:
"What the hell is going on, dude?"
"I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go through with dumping Kyle."
"Well I'm going to chime in b/c I love you [This is very, very true, and is evident in her reaching out to me, to begin with.]. I just read your last blog. He is a lazy SOB who doesn't care enough about you to participate in a last-ditch effort to save your relationship. It will not get better. You are obviously unhappy. You can put two and two together."
I'd like to chime in to agree with what this person said, but not just MY agreement. My therapist made a comment that when I become concerned (after all, *I* am the constant in my shitty relationships...), it is kind of silly. After all, be that it may that my romantic relationships might turn to shit, the truth of the matter is that I am more than capable of making relationships work. Take my multitude of friendships, for example. I am clearly able to maintain deep, meaningful connections. On that note.
So here I am a few weeks ago, like I said with the truck rented, crying all fucking day and night. And Christian pointed out what I already knew: That while I panicked at the thought of my fur family being torn apart, I have some pretty damn fine family here. These are people giving up their time, energy, manpower, in support of me. For no other reason than love. Eric, who I know for a fact has no interest in dating me at all whatsoever, took the train to Denton to help out. He crawled in my attic to help set up the vertical barre. With me, backing out of my commitment to toss him out, worried that my friends would be angry with me, all they could say was, "We are here to help. Just say the word, and we'll do it." It was like having a whole team of motherfucking Bill Brownlees, man. That's real love. Those men are my family.
Now let's continue on that process. That's the thing that killed me about backing out. Kyle couldn't even manage to not be a selfish dick for less than 24 hours. I mean, even in regular domestic relationships, the guy is all apologetic and dotes on the girl to make up for the abuse. I do not get the sugar. Like, he can't even get an abusive relationship right.
So when I had a chance, and I had friends supporting me and I didn't take it, then I felt like I had REALLY fucked up. I equated it to the person who attempts an unsuccessful suicide. They think by committing suicide, that they're only hurting themselves. Then when they come to in the hospital, with all their family and friends scared and crying around them, the realize that in trying to hurt only themselves, they were really hurting the people who cared the most about them. So at this point, maybe I don't have the self-esteem to care about myself and realize that none of Kyle's attractiveness or whatever is worth all of this. But I do know better than to let my poor choices hurt the ones I love.
Back to the conversation via txt-msg with my friend last night.
My comment to her was:
"I need to blog past that. Probably going to go through with it in the next few weeks. Will probably get friends to delegate & handle it, b/c given the chance, I back out."
Her reply:
"Hon, you've been trying to dump him since at least October, from what I can tell [Try August. It was his treatment of the puppy that was his undoing.]. How many more months will you spend actively making yourself unhappy with your lack of action? Make a plan and pull the trigger."
I can hear Jennar cheering in the background. At full-tilt.
Me:
"Believe me, I know. My therapist was like, "can you take the train to Dallas and Make Squirrel or Tristan do it?"
She then asks if I am afraid of Kyle. I'm not. I'm really only afraid that he'll refuse to get right the fuck out, as soon as possible. Her sensible reply is what's been haunting me all this time, and a large part of why I haven't done anything useful.
"I get needing support, but I don't think you should have someone else break up with your boyfriend for you."
And I can totally dump him. I just don't want him staying here ANY LONGER than about half a day after I do so. I'm very afraid that he will simply NEVER leave. Or do something really horrible, like invite other girls over and fuck them right in front of me, or steal/sell all of my things, or hurt the animals. THAT'S what really scares me.
Her comments continue:
"What is making it so hard? If you're not scare of him, what are you scared of?"
What a great question. I replied, "Probably loneliness. Or that is somehow could've worked out. Seeing him with someone else." And to that, I could add, "That getting with Squirrel/Jennar/Fill-in-the-Blank won't solve things (b/c I TOTALLY am cognizant of the fact that it won't, and that does, in fact, scare the living shit out of me--I just don't want things to get any WORSE with any of them)."
And she finishes with:
"You can't make a relationship work by yourself [Well, since I really haven't been home much, am not very affectionate at all, and have no idea whether or not I HAVE been trying, it's nice to hear her vote of confidence. But then I guess she KNOWS-knows me, so she knows that even if my attempts are poor or fall painfully below the mark, she knows that I am, somehow legit trying.]. He's got to do his part, and it looks like he's flat refused. Even if he gets with someone else, he'll have all the same problems [That is something that I REALLY worry about with me and Jennar. I can TOTALLY see the same problems that I have had in my other relationships, and that scares the ever-living snot out of me to ever have anything permanent to do with him, unfortunately. Because *I* am the constant. Relatedly, I guess I also just don't want him to leave me and go have some wonderful time. I want him to suffer. I do. Which is silly b/c look at him. He's going to be suffering for the rest of his life no matter what the reality is.] And it seems like you've already got a few people lined up to take his place [Yes. But one of them is very bitter about it, and it has all but completely run me off.] So. Maybe it's time to be brave and do what you've wanted to do for five months."
Oh, it's BEEN time. We ALL know. The Godamned lifeguard staff freaking knows.
Even my peer-manager, Zac, who doesn't give two damns about other people's personal crap, is rooting for Kyle to GTFO.
The only thing that's keeping me from booting him right out the door is the fear that he'll somehow make up a bunch of excuses and not get right the fuck out. To which, I swear to God, if we're going to fight dirty, I absolutely will fuck Jennar right in front of him. Except for that I know myself, and no that I won't, b/c I'm not that kind of an asshole.
Back to the comment about Bill. Bill had been teasing me off and on about getting married, as Kyle and I have been together for awhile, and yeah, he lives here. Bill had also been teasing me a little about my misgivings about not really feeling the marriage thing, anymore. So, let's talk about that, then. EVERYBODY knows I want to get married. So...wouldn't it make more sense if I was with somebody else who was equally excited to (at some realistic, future point) get married, as well? And I don't know if that would be any of the fellas that are presently interested in me, but I AM pretty sure those guys are at LEAST LESS standoffish about it than Kyle was/has been. Plus, Kyle keeps making noise about eventually wanting children. He even seems to think that getting the dog was some sort of compromise. Wut. I mean, dude. Get. Real. You aren't quite danger-to-self/others, but adding kids? OMG. And we know I can't marry this. What would be the point? And also, everybody knows that I'm pro-abortion b/c actual hormonal birth control and I have tried in vain for years to get along, and I definitely worry that I will legitimately need those unfortunate services some day b/c I SO VERY DESPERATELY do not want to be pregnant, give birth, or raise children. UGH. Another reason to get a passport.
And then I think about the way my life is right now, and I think about my hoarde of potential dates. Then I think about Kyle, and my expectations of a supportive partner. I mean, have you guys SEEN the shit I've been up to this year?! I mean, yeah, some of it isn't my proudest moment, ever, but a lot of it really is. I've been whittling away at that Bucket List, and I couldn't be happier about it. I've been setting and meeting some goals, both personal and professional that I have worked hard for, and have a right to be proud of. And so many of those things get downplayed or belittled. Um. Who the fuck does that? I guess that shows just how deep his own insecurity is, which is really a shame. Somebody winning in a relationship is a win for the couple as a whole. Duh. Then I think about how much fun I have had with everybody. Christian and I had a great time at the Burnery Blingy Ball for New Years. Jennar and I had an absolute BLAST at the Koyote (for real, is it Coyote?) show, and I wouldn't have dreamed of going with anybody else. Squirrel and I had the Best Valentine's Day I have ever had in my entire life, hitting up both Excision AND Paul Van Dyk. And when everybody went nuts (Who the fuck moshes at an EDM show?), Squirrel and Lance actually instructed me and Shannon to get behind them. Nobody has ever been instantly protective of me, with no question about it. Never. I was always the "adulting" one. THAT is one of the MAJOR draws of Squirrel, in addition to the two of us having so much in common, and his willingness to plow through the 22 Things book. So I think about all these folks who want to be in my life, and I feel like this whole Kyle situation is really getting in the way of some good shit. Put all the Poly-Talk aside for a year. Nevermind about committing to a relationship at all. I can put that it's "Been Complicated w/ a fucking Burner Girl" for all I care. Maybe I should actually date everybody with A POINT to NOT commit right off the bat. Let me breathe. Let me and my friends find out if we really ARE right for each other by continuing to do what we do best together, which is have fun and FSU. I have the BEST people in my life, male and female. I really do. I want to be able to have Amanda over to shoot the shit after walking w/ me and Christian. I want to have Squirrel over to cuddle and watch movies. And since Jennar and I are both bat-shit crazy, I'm pretty sure I'll probably want him over all the damn time. Everybody knows he's my favorite, and both Squirrel and BURNERS I DON'T EVEN KNOW thought that we were in a relationship, regardless of my FB status.
Gawd, FBO just doesn't mean what it use to. o.0
Plus, even Tristan thinks I should give Cody a shot. And I should. I met Cody at the Reddit party that Brian Lee invited me to almost 2 years ago, and we had a fucking blast chatting and dancing. Why wouldn't I want to just get to know a new person, especially a Whovian? :-) In fact, we're making plans right the fuck now to go to a local comedy show together. I am awesomely fun.
So yeah. I do know what I have to do. I just don't know how to time it so that there is the least amount of pain and suffering to all parties involved. I've decided to offer Kyle the car if he agrees to put the dog's AKC papers in my name. But I don't want him hanging around any longer than is absolutely necessary. And I want to ensure that I don't find some way to back out again. And yeah, I totally want to cheat and have all my friends help carry the emotional burden, b/c it still is going to hurt something awful. And I totally want to cheat and have all my friends accelerate the process of getting him the fuck out as fast as possible. Is it fair or right? Probably not. Is it necessary? Shit, maybe. My therapist keeps asking him what it's going to take. It's like I've said recently, I need a whole team of boyfriends to get me through Life sometimes. I'm worried that I won't do it. Send help! Halp.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle
There's not much I can say in the way of Kyle. I had 3 different guy friends come over to help send him packing, when he was going to be gone at a Mavs game that he won tickets to. I backed out at the last minute. And I'd gone so far as to rent a truck and buy boxes, and everything. Do you know what eventually got me in the end? The damn animals. My cat loves having someone here with him, and the cat really cannot get along with other kitties, or other people, for that matter. And the dog. I want to know that if I'm here, at least the dog won't be suffering as much as if I'm NOT here. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to the dog. B/c even though I am not a dog person, and really do not want the extra responsibility, Bear is a LOVELY boy. Like, damn it. Plus, sometimes I actually like Kyle. He is cute. Y'all know how much I love his hair. :-) He has such a great smile, and nice eyes. When he feels like being compassionate and understanding me, it really does make my world a better place.
But he can't or won't do that all the time. As I said to Brian, "I know it's my own personal fault. I feel awful b/c by staying in the relationship, I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting my friends and family to see me continue in this. I know he means well, but he can't or won't do what it takes to make a 'real' relationship work. And I still miss the guy he used to be, and there are still things I like about him." So they see me hurting, and it's hurting them.
Back to my textual discussion with my friend. She responded to my vague-booking by txting me:
"What the hell is going on, dude?"
"I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go through with dumping Kyle."
"Well I'm going to chime in b/c I love you [This is very, very true, and is evident in her reaching out to me, to begin with.]. I just read your last blog. He is a lazy SOB who doesn't care enough about you to participate in a last-ditch effort to save your relationship. It will not get better. You are obviously unhappy. You can put two and two together."
I'd like to chime in to agree with what this person said, but not just MY agreement. My therapist made a comment that when I become concerned (after all, *I* am the constant in my shitty relationships...), it is kind of silly. After all, be that it may that my romantic relationships might turn to shit, the truth of the matter is that I am more than capable of making relationships work. Take my multitude of friendships, for example. I am clearly able to maintain deep, meaningful connections. On that note.
So here I am a few weeks ago, like I said with the truck rented, crying all fucking day and night. And Christian pointed out what I already knew: That while I panicked at the thought of my fur family being torn apart, I have some pretty damn fine family here. These are people giving up their time, energy, manpower, in support of me. For no other reason than love. Eric, who I know for a fact has no interest in dating me at all whatsoever, took the train to Denton to help out. He crawled in my attic to help set up the vertical barre. With me, backing out of my commitment to toss him out, worried that my friends would be angry with me, all they could say was, "We are here to help. Just say the word, and we'll do it." It was like having a whole team of motherfucking Bill Brownlees, man. That's real love. Those men are my family.
Now let's continue on that process. That's the thing that killed me about backing out. Kyle couldn't even manage to not be a selfish dick for less than 24 hours. I mean, even in regular domestic relationships, the guy is all apologetic and dotes on the girl to make up for the abuse. I do not get the sugar. Like, he can't even get an abusive relationship right.
So when I had a chance, and I had friends supporting me and I didn't take it, then I felt like I had REALLY fucked up. I equated it to the person who attempts an unsuccessful suicide. They think by committing suicide, that they're only hurting themselves. Then when they come to in the hospital, with all their family and friends scared and crying around them, the realize that in trying to hurt only themselves, they were really hurting the people who cared the most about them. So at this point, maybe I don't have the self-esteem to care about myself and realize that none of Kyle's attractiveness or whatever is worth all of this. But I do know better than to let my poor choices hurt the ones I love.
Back to the conversation via txt-msg with my friend last night.
My comment to her was:
"I need to blog past that. Probably going to go through with it in the next few weeks. Will probably get friends to delegate & handle it, b/c given the chance, I back out."
Her reply:
"Hon, you've been trying to dump him since at least October, from what I can tell [Try August. It was his treatment of the puppy that was his undoing.]. How many more months will you spend actively making yourself unhappy with your lack of action? Make a plan and pull the trigger."
I can hear Jennar cheering in the background. At full-tilt.
Me:
"Believe me, I know. My therapist was like, "can you take the train to Dallas and Make Squirrel or Tristan do it?"
She then asks if I am afraid of Kyle. I'm not. I'm really only afraid that he'll refuse to get right the fuck out, as soon as possible. Her sensible reply is what's been haunting me all this time, and a large part of why I haven't done anything useful.
"I get needing support, but I don't think you should have someone else break up with your boyfriend for you."
And I can totally dump him. I just don't want him staying here ANY LONGER than about half a day after I do so. I'm very afraid that he will simply NEVER leave. Or do something really horrible, like invite other girls over and fuck them right in front of me, or steal/sell all of my things, or hurt the animals. THAT'S what really scares me.
Her comments continue:
"What is making it so hard? If you're not scare of him, what are you scared of?"
What a great question. I replied, "Probably loneliness. Or that is somehow could've worked out. Seeing him with someone else." And to that, I could add, "That getting with Squirrel/Jennar/Fill-in-the-Blank won't solve things (b/c I TOTALLY am cognizant of the fact that it won't, and that does, in fact, scare the living shit out of me--I just don't want things to get any WORSE with any of them)."
And she finishes with:
"You can't make a relationship work by yourself [Well, since I really haven't been home much, am not very affectionate at all, and have no idea whether or not I HAVE been trying, it's nice to hear her vote of confidence. But then I guess she KNOWS-knows me, so she knows that even if my attempts are poor or fall painfully below the mark, she knows that I am, somehow legit trying.]. He's got to do his part, and it looks like he's flat refused. Even if he gets with someone else, he'll have all the same problems [That is something that I REALLY worry about with me and Jennar. I can TOTALLY see the same problems that I have had in my other relationships, and that scares the ever-living snot out of me to ever have anything permanent to do with him, unfortunately. Because *I* am the constant. Relatedly, I guess I also just don't want him to leave me and go have some wonderful time. I want him to suffer. I do. Which is silly b/c look at him. He's going to be suffering for the rest of his life no matter what the reality is.] And it seems like you've already got a few people lined up to take his place [Yes. But one of them is very bitter about it, and it has all but completely run me off.] So. Maybe it's time to be brave and do what you've wanted to do for five months."
Oh, it's BEEN time. We ALL know. The Godamned lifeguard staff freaking knows.
Even my peer-manager, Zac, who doesn't give two damns about other people's personal crap, is rooting for Kyle to GTFO.
The only thing that's keeping me from booting him right out the door is the fear that he'll somehow make up a bunch of excuses and not get right the fuck out. To which, I swear to God, if we're going to fight dirty, I absolutely will fuck Jennar right in front of him. Except for that I know myself, and no that I won't, b/c I'm not that kind of an asshole.
Back to the comment about Bill. Bill had been teasing me off and on about getting married, as Kyle and I have been together for awhile, and yeah, he lives here. Bill had also been teasing me a little about my misgivings about not really feeling the marriage thing, anymore. So, let's talk about that, then. EVERYBODY knows I want to get married. So...wouldn't it make more sense if I was with somebody else who was equally excited to (at some realistic, future point) get married, as well? And I don't know if that would be any of the fellas that are presently interested in me, but I AM pretty sure those guys are at LEAST LESS standoffish about it than Kyle was/has been. Plus, Kyle keeps making noise about eventually wanting children. He even seems to think that getting the dog was some sort of compromise. Wut. I mean, dude. Get. Real. You aren't quite danger-to-self/others, but adding kids? OMG. And we know I can't marry this. What would be the point? And also, everybody knows that I'm pro-abortion b/c actual hormonal birth control and I have tried in vain for years to get along, and I definitely worry that I will legitimately need those unfortunate services some day b/c I SO VERY DESPERATELY do not want to be pregnant, give birth, or raise children. UGH. Another reason to get a passport.
And then I think about the way my life is right now, and I think about my hoarde of potential dates. Then I think about Kyle, and my expectations of a supportive partner. I mean, have you guys SEEN the shit I've been up to this year?! I mean, yeah, some of it isn't my proudest moment, ever, but a lot of it really is. I've been whittling away at that Bucket List, and I couldn't be happier about it. I've been setting and meeting some goals, both personal and professional that I have worked hard for, and have a right to be proud of. And so many of those things get downplayed or belittled. Um. Who the fuck does that? I guess that shows just how deep his own insecurity is, which is really a shame. Somebody winning in a relationship is a win for the couple as a whole. Duh. Then I think about how much fun I have had with everybody. Christian and I had a great time at the Burnery Blingy Ball for New Years. Jennar and I had an absolute BLAST at the Koyote (for real, is it Coyote?) show, and I wouldn't have dreamed of going with anybody else. Squirrel and I had the Best Valentine's Day I have ever had in my entire life, hitting up both Excision AND Paul Van Dyk. And when everybody went nuts (Who the fuck moshes at an EDM show?), Squirrel and Lance actually instructed me and Shannon to get behind them. Nobody has ever been instantly protective of me, with no question about it. Never. I was always the "adulting" one. THAT is one of the MAJOR draws of Squirrel, in addition to the two of us having so much in common, and his willingness to plow through the 22 Things book. So I think about all these folks who want to be in my life, and I feel like this whole Kyle situation is really getting in the way of some good shit. Put all the Poly-Talk aside for a year. Nevermind about committing to a relationship at all. I can put that it's "Been Complicated w/ a fucking Burner Girl" for all I care. Maybe I should actually date everybody with A POINT to NOT commit right off the bat. Let me breathe. Let me and my friends find out if we really ARE right for each other by continuing to do what we do best together, which is have fun and FSU. I have the BEST people in my life, male and female. I really do. I want to be able to have Amanda over to shoot the shit after walking w/ me and Christian. I want to have Squirrel over to cuddle and watch movies. And since Jennar and I are both bat-shit crazy, I'm pretty sure I'll probably want him over all the damn time. Everybody knows he's my favorite, and both Squirrel and BURNERS I DON'T EVEN KNOW thought that we were in a relationship, regardless of my FB status.
Gawd, FBO just doesn't mean what it use to. o.0
Plus, even Tristan thinks I should give Cody a shot. And I should. I met Cody at the Reddit party that Brian Lee invited me to almost 2 years ago, and we had a fucking blast chatting and dancing. Why wouldn't I want to just get to know a new person, especially a Whovian? :-) In fact, we're making plans right the fuck now to go to a local comedy show together. I am awesomely fun.
So yeah. I do know what I have to do. I just don't know how to time it so that there is the least amount of pain and suffering to all parties involved. I've decided to offer Kyle the car if he agrees to put the dog's AKC papers in my name. But I don't want him hanging around any longer than is absolutely necessary. And I want to ensure that I don't find some way to back out again. And yeah, I totally want to cheat and have all my friends help carry the emotional burden, b/c it still is going to hurt something awful. And I totally want to cheat and have all my friends accelerate the process of getting him the fuck out as fast as possible. Is it fair or right? Probably not. Is it necessary? Shit, maybe. My therapist keeps asking him what it's going to take. It's like I've said recently, I need a whole team of boyfriends to get me through Life sometimes. I'm worried that I won't do it. Send help! Halp.
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle