Started To Say Things
Well shit, I had started to say things in here, and then went and lost it somehow on my phone. So, whatever. Today I feel washed out for several reasons, most notably getting in from Bender's super late, and having drank while there (damn it, alcohol makes ya fat...), and it's day 1 of period week. So combine all the two, and yes, I am now wearing my yoga pants out of necessity. Bender's was great. And weird. They're lovely people. And it was the fucking weirdest thing in the world, b/c I could see Bender and his son Quinn, whispering back and forth about me. Quinn apparently developed an IMMEDIATE crush on me. But they said they both LOVED how animated I was, especially when telling stories. Bender had me practice poi. Quinn asked if I was in a relationship, and also asked if we could cuddle some, until he fell asleep. Do you know what, it was nice. Such a lovely, inclusive Burner/Clown Family...
Today, we had our first therapy session. It was fabulous. Kyle did not want to do much talking. He and I made that therapist work. But she did. She was keen to what he was saying. And she read between the lines. It was fabulous. He was like, I don't feel like I have to schedule when I see my girlfriend. And she was like, Well, she had a job and a life, so tough shit. He said he thought it was a waste of time, and then flat-out said he wasn't going to do the assigned homeworks. Well, duh, of course you're not. You don't really do much of anything. She talked about how we should be talking to one another the same way we would address our best friends. I pretty much already do that. B/c I totally would call my best friends out if I thought they were full of shit. Kyle said he sees his best friends more than he does me. Dude, that's impossible b/c they pretty much never want to hang out with you, now. You've become that unpleasant. We're supposed to spend 30 min a day talking with each other. Like, socially. Dude, I tried to do the Series of Questions and 4 Min. Staring Contest Thing that was in the paper with him, you know, the one where you're supposed to fall in love at the end? We didn't even get to finish question FOUR when he was like, I really don't want to do this. And they were nothing but stuff like, "Would you like to be famous? What for?" So yeah, not seeing him interact w/ me, much. She was very specific--don't do just movies, do something that involves interaction without distraction. She also point-blank said to him was, "What I hearing you say is that you want your relationship to be different, but you don't want to have to do anything to make it any different."
Yes, lady. To sum it all up, you heard correct. And she knew it.
My own therapist has heard me talking about things differently. I really do have to get rid of him, and honestly not because I want to. I think about Christian, especially, who's seen the worst of it, and then Eric and Tristan. Their mantra was simply, "We're here to help." And unlike Kyle, I cannot ignore this. It's like when a person fails an attempt to complete suicide, and they're left there, knowing that while they wanted only to hurt themselves, they were really devastating those closest to them, the ones who care about them the most. So then I look at myself still with Kyle, and I see myself hurting my friends and family by being with him, and that. That is not okay. If I do it just to myself, then fine. But my friends and family are hurting and suffering to see me hurting and suffering. And we're all just over it. He may have no problem taking advantage of everyone in his path, but I do. My friends have been there for me, and I owe it to them to at the very least make an attempt to make healthier decisions. The time my friends spend listening to the craziness. The friends frantically rearranging their schedules to help me. My mom putting up with all the financial bullshit. I f I don't want out of the relationship, so be it. But I owe it to these people who matter to me to figure out a way to do it. My therapist was like, "Can you have your friends come over and spend the night with you, so that you don't have to be alone?" And, "Can you get Squirrell or Christian to be 'in charge,' and make sure that everything gets followed through with getting him out?" At this point, I'm going to have to board the kitty and take the train into Deep Ellum, in order to be able to NOT immediately get back and back out of it. B/c I am sitting here, blogging, while he's farting around the house, and I just wish it could be better. That he could contribute, that he acted interested and like he liked me.
Anyway, I'm not dead, Tristan. And yes, I do need to come up to Colorado. But I also need to get my shit together, first. :-/
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle
Today, we had our first therapy session. It was fabulous. Kyle did not want to do much talking. He and I made that therapist work. But she did. She was keen to what he was saying. And she read between the lines. It was fabulous. He was like, I don't feel like I have to schedule when I see my girlfriend. And she was like, Well, she had a job and a life, so tough shit. He said he thought it was a waste of time, and then flat-out said he wasn't going to do the assigned homeworks. Well, duh, of course you're not. You don't really do much of anything. She talked about how we should be talking to one another the same way we would address our best friends. I pretty much already do that. B/c I totally would call my best friends out if I thought they were full of shit. Kyle said he sees his best friends more than he does me. Dude, that's impossible b/c they pretty much never want to hang out with you, now. You've become that unpleasant. We're supposed to spend 30 min a day talking with each other. Like, socially. Dude, I tried to do the Series of Questions and 4 Min. Staring Contest Thing that was in the paper with him, you know, the one where you're supposed to fall in love at the end? We didn't even get to finish question FOUR when he was like, I really don't want to do this. And they were nothing but stuff like, "Would you like to be famous? What for?" So yeah, not seeing him interact w/ me, much. She was very specific--don't do just movies, do something that involves interaction without distraction. She also point-blank said to him was, "What I hearing you say is that you want your relationship to be different, but you don't want to have to do anything to make it any different."
Yes, lady. To sum it all up, you heard correct. And she knew it.
My own therapist has heard me talking about things differently. I really do have to get rid of him, and honestly not because I want to. I think about Christian, especially, who's seen the worst of it, and then Eric and Tristan. Their mantra was simply, "We're here to help." And unlike Kyle, I cannot ignore this. It's like when a person fails an attempt to complete suicide, and they're left there, knowing that while they wanted only to hurt themselves, they were really devastating those closest to them, the ones who care about them the most. So then I look at myself still with Kyle, and I see myself hurting my friends and family by being with him, and that. That is not okay. If I do it just to myself, then fine. But my friends and family are hurting and suffering to see me hurting and suffering. And we're all just over it. He may have no problem taking advantage of everyone in his path, but I do. My friends have been there for me, and I owe it to them to at the very least make an attempt to make healthier decisions. The time my friends spend listening to the craziness. The friends frantically rearranging their schedules to help me. My mom putting up with all the financial bullshit. I f I don't want out of the relationship, so be it. But I owe it to these people who matter to me to figure out a way to do it. My therapist was like, "Can you have your friends come over and spend the night with you, so that you don't have to be alone?" And, "Can you get Squirrell or Christian to be 'in charge,' and make sure that everything gets followed through with getting him out?" At this point, I'm going to have to board the kitty and take the train into Deep Ellum, in order to be able to NOT immediately get back and back out of it. B/c I am sitting here, blogging, while he's farting around the house, and I just wish it could be better. That he could contribute, that he acted interested and like he liked me.
Anyway, I'm not dead, Tristan. And yes, I do need to come up to Colorado. But I also need to get my shit together, first. :-/
Bethany Celeste
Roman Candle