(no subject)

[bestwenchever]

every once in a while i do this. i look at all the myspace profiles of the people that were in my program in Italy and it always makes me sad.  Not because of the way they treated me and how much they didn't like me or how they made fun of me.  But of what I missed out on.  No, I wouldn't want to be their friends.  But, they have something that I will never get the chance to have again.  Those long distance friends of whom you bonded with while you were out in a strange land. It's the fact that now they have all these great friends and had all these great times while studying abroad, and what did i get? A lot of headache. Depression. It was all just too upsetting to me.  Then, I think about all the what ifs.  What if I didn't live with Raeffalla and lived in an apartment with them? What if I wasn't so concerned about my education and degree and learning Italian? What if I did go out every night, get drunk, make a fool out of myself and all Americans to all the Italians living in that small town? What if? Would I have just turned out like Lindsey Ottaviano anyways? The girl who didn't speak Italian (or couldn't for some reason), and wasn't really friends with anyone because no one liked her but she tagged along anyways? I probably would have been her. However, I am glad I am not. It would have just been even more depressing even though everything I wanted fell through. I made two friends and I keep in touch with one of them. That's good, right? I pretty much got what I wanted, a life in Italy, even if I hated where I lived.  It was just so weird th at everyone there became friends with the few exceptions including me.  I've never been considered popular anywhere (well, meaning High school) yet, I always had my close group of friends and this was the same in college. I always had and still have friends. I've never really been a loner, as much as I"d like to think so. Therefore, I think that it was the oddness of me not having friends not having a group and looking at them every day and see how close knit they all were that made me upset.

Anyway, it's done and over with and as much as I"d like to be able to change it, I can't. I dont have those friends, they do. And there's nothing I can' do about it. It just makes me sad, I guess.