Self fulfilling prophecy (or just how much of an Idiot Sara can be.)
I've ended up really hurting someone I care a lot about today. Words cannot express just how gutted I am at this.
Stupidly it could have been avoided so easily.
I didn't sleep last night. Had a bout of insomnia, and instead of taking some valerian, I let it run it's course, as usually then it rights itself. Unfortunately that let my paranoid head get a foot in the door.... Which set off an internal argument, which meant that I ended up, as those who know me well can testify, in that fun place where I have a lot of stuff going round my head, and an inability to express it in any sort of coherent manner - which is where I usually turn to livejournal!!! I then made the stupid decision of deciding to prove my paranoia all wrong, by saying what was bugging me - so I could say ner at it and thus it would end.... and that was the big mistake.
It all came out wrong, and they ended up hurt, upset, and feeling insulted by the implicit accusation within what I had said. Whether or not I meant it isn't the point. It's what I said. After all, no-one can truly know someone else's mind. I then made matters worse by trying to explain myself- and proceeded to furnish myself with both the tools, and the hole in which to bury myself. And bury myself I did.
I feel horrendous, horrified and just... broken that I've hurt someone I care about so deeply without meaning to - infact in a bizarrely twisted way I was trying to do the opposite... but as I already said. Intention counts for so little.
There isn't punishment enough for what I feel I've done and deserve right now. I can't take things back - but I wish I could....
Stupidly it could have been avoided so easily.
I didn't sleep last night. Had a bout of insomnia, and instead of taking some valerian, I let it run it's course, as usually then it rights itself. Unfortunately that let my paranoid head get a foot in the door.... Which set off an internal argument, which meant that I ended up, as those who know me well can testify, in that fun place where I have a lot of stuff going round my head, and an inability to express it in any sort of coherent manner - which is where I usually turn to livejournal!!! I then made the stupid decision of deciding to prove my paranoia all wrong, by saying what was bugging me - so I could say ner at it and thus it would end.... and that was the big mistake.
It all came out wrong, and they ended up hurt, upset, and feeling insulted by the implicit accusation within what I had said. Whether or not I meant it isn't the point. It's what I said. After all, no-one can truly know someone else's mind. I then made matters worse by trying to explain myself- and proceeded to furnish myself with both the tools, and the hole in which to bury myself. And bury myself I did.
I feel horrendous, horrified and just... broken that I've hurt someone I care about so deeply without meaning to - infact in a bizarrely twisted way I was trying to do the opposite... but as I already said. Intention counts for so little.
There isn't punishment enough for what I feel I've done and deserve right now. I can't take things back - but I wish I could....