Catharsis in Creativity
Dear Livejournal - It's been a while. I know that I keep saying I'll post to you more frequently than I inevitbly do, but ultimately, I forget passwords or just go back to the old fashioned ways of pen and paper. Pen and paper is who I've been cheating on you with this time...Partly because my computer got into a state and it was a lot easier. Plus I've gone back to going through my workbook my psychotherapist recommended, and it made more sense to keep all of that in one place..
Well, some things have changed since we last met.... Mostly good. This winter has been the first one which I haven't fallen victim to a low due to the dark nights. It's been a really pleasant change, and I'm still looking forwards to the days getting longer, but not with the same hatred that usually accompanies the present. Go me!
I've done a bit of stuff with the computer - It's currently quite new/shiny due to not having anything back on it... which may well stay that way because there is talk of more upgrading to be done. A suggestion I'm seriously considering.... a good overhaul to bring it up to scratch... I just need to be able to justify the outlay and then find the money.
I cracked a bone in my hand - It's almost healed now, which is a good thing, but it did stop me from playing guitar for a while, which has meant I'm amazingly out of practice now, but I think I'm going to try and use this as a springboard to putting some serious work in there. It's not like I haven't talked about doing this before.. but before I've always been able to hide my siightly untidy playing behind intricate bass lines, whereas now, its just me. So given I've had a few invites to play at busker's nights, I need to raise my game. You know me though - I'm hardly afraid of putting the effort in - but I do miss playing with people. I miss singing with people more though. Have been very fortunate the last couple of weeks to have met someone else who sings, and I can harmonise with, which has been great, if a little bittersweet at the same time - reminding me just how much I miss some of the stuff I used to do.
At the same time, I've been working on some of the fears I have. Partly why I've been abandoning you for the workbooks. I've been working on ways to overcome them. It's not easy and taking a lot of work, but I'm making definite progress with one; another, it's slower but it's there, so am suitably encouraged. The downside of this is that I'm having to let down some of the walls and a bit of my guard, both for these and other reasons, which is never easy. It does however meant that some of the things that I keep hidden have reared. Like the recurring nightmare I thought I'd got under wraps.I think because I'm actively taking steps to address one area of trouble it's opened up a couple of others I wasn't wanting to tackle at the moment. The dilemma I have now though is do I again quash them for a while, or do I try and actually get somewhere with it?? I think it might be time to put them to rest for good.
The nightmare is one that I believe I have written about before. It plays on the biggest fear I have; that those scumbags who were responsible for a lot of the shite I've gone through were right - so it's seems apt it tries to push through. Rationally I know that no one person has any say over the worthiness of another person's existence, but if it was a question of simple rantionality then it wouldn't be an issue. The part of me that thinks that maybe they *are/were* right is one HELL of a lot smaller now than it used to be, but a moment of insecurity is all it took to bring that fear to the fore.
It begins with the situation that led to the massacring of my shins - more a flashback than anything rhere, but then it takes a turn to the bizarre; instead of being behind the shopping precinct all of a sudden I'm in the bomb crater in the woods, and they (and others occasionally) are at the top surrounding me, and passing judgement, telling me what I don't deserve.I'm then forced to the ground, a bag placed over my head, and I'm thrown into a trunk, which is then placed into a van/car. The vehicle travels to the sea - where it is unloaded at the top of some cliffs and tossed over the sides - the trunk breaks on impact with the cliff face, leaving me to plummet onto the rocks below, watching them watch me fall, pointing, laughing and reiterating how much I deserve this fate and no other.
At present, I'm as content as I have been in a long time - for multiple reasons - which will inevitibly bring out the slight insecure streak that worries that I *don't* deserve this, and worrying what will happen to shatter things.
Realistically at this point, I give myself a good kick up the arse, tell myself to not be so silly, and enjoy it, even if I can't yet bring myself to believe fully that I *am* occasionally entiteld to the universe actually giving me a gift instead of making me a joke.
As it is, I'm not sure I can at the moment just turn that belief on it's head and expel it for good - but I know that I've come a long way with it - and that DOES count for a hell of a lot. Now I just need to remember to have this pep talk with myself at the time.... because it still scares the crap out of me when it happens - and then my throat tightens up just thinking about it after the fact for a fair while... Practically, I'm 150 miles away from them. Well out of range.
There, that feels better.
I always feel really really lame and stupid and helpless after the fact. Bui equally I should remember that actually there have been some pretty horiffic events. They are allowed to leave a scar they just aren't allowed to rule over my very being, and equally I should try and remember that there are some people out there who think I am (occasionally ), if only a smidgen, a good person, and they have better perspective than me.
I went to karaoke for the first time in 4 months last night... I was very nervous at singing, but did enjoy it, and don't think i sounded too terrible.
Now I need to finish tidying the flat - which I rearranged a couple of weeks ago I have an office/recording studio/modelling area/general creative place. Hopefully the kitchen is going to get sorted out too, so the flat is finally starting to look and feel how I want it to. See, told you it wasn't all bad!
Well, some things have changed since we last met.... Mostly good. This winter has been the first one which I haven't fallen victim to a low due to the dark nights. It's been a really pleasant change, and I'm still looking forwards to the days getting longer, but not with the same hatred that usually accompanies the present. Go me!
I've done a bit of stuff with the computer - It's currently quite new/shiny due to not having anything back on it... which may well stay that way because there is talk of more upgrading to be done. A suggestion I'm seriously considering.... a good overhaul to bring it up to scratch... I just need to be able to justify the outlay and then find the money.
I cracked a bone in my hand - It's almost healed now, which is a good thing, but it did stop me from playing guitar for a while, which has meant I'm amazingly out of practice now, but I think I'm going to try and use this as a springboard to putting some serious work in there. It's not like I haven't talked about doing this before.. but before I've always been able to hide my siightly untidy playing behind intricate bass lines, whereas now, its just me. So given I've had a few invites to play at busker's nights, I need to raise my game. You know me though - I'm hardly afraid of putting the effort in - but I do miss playing with people. I miss singing with people more though. Have been very fortunate the last couple of weeks to have met someone else who sings, and I can harmonise with, which has been great, if a little bittersweet at the same time - reminding me just how much I miss some of the stuff I used to do.
At the same time, I've been working on some of the fears I have. Partly why I've been abandoning you for the workbooks. I've been working on ways to overcome them. It's not easy and taking a lot of work, but I'm making definite progress with one; another, it's slower but it's there, so am suitably encouraged. The downside of this is that I'm having to let down some of the walls and a bit of my guard, both for these and other reasons, which is never easy. It does however meant that some of the things that I keep hidden have reared. Like the recurring nightmare I thought I'd got under wraps.I think because I'm actively taking steps to address one area of trouble it's opened up a couple of others I wasn't wanting to tackle at the moment. The dilemma I have now though is do I again quash them for a while, or do I try and actually get somewhere with it?? I think it might be time to put them to rest for good.
The nightmare is one that I believe I have written about before. It plays on the biggest fear I have; that those scumbags who were responsible for a lot of the shite I've gone through were right - so it's seems apt it tries to push through. Rationally I know that no one person has any say over the worthiness of another person's existence, but if it was a question of simple rantionality then it wouldn't be an issue. The part of me that thinks that maybe they *are/were* right is one HELL of a lot smaller now than it used to be, but a moment of insecurity is all it took to bring that fear to the fore.
It begins with the situation that led to the massacring of my shins - more a flashback than anything rhere, but then it takes a turn to the bizarre; instead of being behind the shopping precinct all of a sudden I'm in the bomb crater in the woods, and they (and others occasionally) are at the top surrounding me, and passing judgement, telling me what I don't deserve.I'm then forced to the ground, a bag placed over my head, and I'm thrown into a trunk, which is then placed into a van/car. The vehicle travels to the sea - where it is unloaded at the top of some cliffs and tossed over the sides - the trunk breaks on impact with the cliff face, leaving me to plummet onto the rocks below, watching them watch me fall, pointing, laughing and reiterating how much I deserve this fate and no other.
At present, I'm as content as I have been in a long time - for multiple reasons - which will inevitibly bring out the slight insecure streak that worries that I *don't* deserve this, and worrying what will happen to shatter things.
Realistically at this point, I give myself a good kick up the arse, tell myself to not be so silly, and enjoy it, even if I can't yet bring myself to believe fully that I *am* occasionally entiteld to the universe actually giving me a gift instead of making me a joke.
As it is, I'm not sure I can at the moment just turn that belief on it's head and expel it for good - but I know that I've come a long way with it - and that DOES count for a hell of a lot. Now I just need to remember to have this pep talk with myself at the time.... because it still scares the crap out of me when it happens - and then my throat tightens up just thinking about it after the fact for a fair while... Practically, I'm 150 miles away from them. Well out of range.
There, that feels better.
I always feel really really lame and stupid and helpless after the fact. Bui equally I should remember that actually there have been some pretty horiffic events. They are allowed to leave a scar they just aren't allowed to rule over my very being, and equally I should try and remember that there are some people out there who think I am (occasionally ), if only a smidgen, a good person, and they have better perspective than me.
I went to karaoke for the first time in 4 months last night... I was very nervous at singing, but did enjoy it, and don't think i sounded too terrible.
Now I need to finish tidying the flat - which I rearranged a couple of weeks ago I have an office/recording studio/modelling area/general creative place. Hopefully the kitchen is going to get sorted out too, so the flat is finally starting to look and feel how I want it to. See, told you it wasn't all bad!