I Didn't Pee in Your Coffee
Well, I've been in New York for almost two months now. The internship is going really well and my on-campus job is relatively painless. I saw "Your Anatomy is Hilarious" by the Impending Mustache last weekend and I loved it. It was great to see Katie and Daniel again and it's always reassuring to see that there's some semblance of life after college.
"Shed of the Dead" has been giving me problems, and I recently decided to replace it with another one-act. I know I'll come back to it eventually, but it's not going to part of the aforementioned Hall of Fantasy quartet. I finished the first draft of the replacement last night and I'm really pleased with it.
Anyway, I'm writing because while I was at work the other day I stumbled upon the 2007 edition of the SLC Review. I'd never read one of these before, or even been aware of their existence, and I was surprised to find a lot of great works. I didn't read all of the selections in the SLC review, but these were my favorites of the ones I read. I mostly only read pieces if they had a title that grabbed me or they were penned by someone I knew. Seriously though, check these out:
Phoebe's Stop'N'Eat by Amy Liedman
A trucker tells another trucker of his encounter with a zombie. This story's really short, but that's part of what makes it so awesome. It's ridiculous how much silliness is packed into just a few paragraphs. I also didn't know Amy could write like this.
What Nature Means to Me by Brian Logue
I'd heard that Brian's poems were hilarious, so I was excited to find that one of them was included in this year's review. Definitely worth a read.
Thief by Neil Knox
A master thief breaks into a museum to rescue an ancient Egyptian princess. Described as an "unproducible play" by the review's editor, this script was a welcome escape into the world of fantasy. It was fun trying to visualize it actually being performed.
The Life and Times of a Fraternity Brother by Nick Sansone
A frat boy embarks on an epic quest to score some tail. This one was really funny and clever. I read Nick's LJ from time to time, so it was great to get a glimpse of his creative writing. Nick had another story published in the review, a chapter from a "lost" Herman Melville novel, but this one was my favorite.
Rebel by Amy Laburda
I don't want to give too much away on this one, so I'll just say it's a piece of hard-boiled detective fiction with a twist. It's just short enough that it didn't overstay its welcome, but it also left me wanting more. In a good way.
Before I go I also wanted to share another scene I wrote a while back. This one's called "Strange Brew" and it was written for the last SLC Lampoon show. It's about a couple with some serious trust issues.
“Strange Brew”
The location? A kitchen, morning. DONNA flits about the room wearing a man’s dress shirt as she makes breakfast. KEN stumbles out from the bedroom, wearing pajamas.
DONNA
Good morning, cranky pants.
KEN
Hey. How long have you been up?
DONNA
Six-thirty. I woke up extra-early this morning and I thought, “Hey you know what I should do? I should fix Kenneth a nice, big breakfast. Waffles, pancakes, apple fritters -
KEN
Wow that’s great…
DONNA
Orange poppy cheese bread, apricot Danishes, the works! And what better way to start off your morning than with a big, creamy cup of steaming hot java.
DONNA takes a pot of coffee from the counter and pours it into Ken’s mug.
KEN
Wow, Donna, this is amazing. Listen I wanted to tell you last night, I’m sorry I didn’t call you after last week. I was really tied up at work -
DONNA
Say no more. All is forgotten. Here you go.
DONNA places the mug in front of KEN. KEN takes the coffee and raises it to his lips.
I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
What?
DONNA
What?
KEN
What did you just say?
DONNA
What?
DONNA takes a bowl of oatmeal from the counter and brings it to the table.
KEN
You just said, “I didn’t pee in your coffee.”
DONNA
Well I didn’t.
KEN
But why would you say that?
DONNA
Why shouldn’t I?
KEN
I just don’t understand -
DONNA
Kenneth, our relationship is in its infancy. We’re still establishing what most couples take for granted; communication, fidelity, intimacy, trust. I want you to trust that I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
But why would I even think that?
DONNA
How do you know you that I didn’t? We barely know each other! We went on our first date last week and we haven’t spoken since.
KEN
And like I said, I’m sorry I didn’t call.
DONNA
It’s okay! That doesn’t matter. None of that matters. All that matters to me right now is that you know that I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
Okay.
KEN takes the cup of coffee and raises it to his lips. He puts it down.
I just don’t get why you would say that.
DONNA
Kenneth we are a nation at war! Our government lies to us every day! Who can you trust? The President? The Supreme Court? The guy who tells you he’ll call you and then he doesn’t?
KEN
I said I was sorry!
DONNA
Kenneth, this isn’t about whether or not I peed in your coffee. This isn’t about whether or not you called me back when you said you would. This is about trust. This is about taking your heart and ripping it out of your chest and holding it out in front of someone and saying to them, “I trust you!” That’s what this is. This is about you on the top of a tree and me at the bottom with my arms out to catch you and you jumping off that tree and saying, “This is some good coffee!” And if you can’t understand that then I don’t know what I’m doing in your kitchen wearing your one-hundred percent pinpoint cotton Oxford dress shirt.
KEN takes this in. He looks at the coffee, then at DONNA.
KEN
Okay.
DONNA
Okay?
KEN
I’ll do it.
DONNA
You will?
KEN
I will. Donna, I came into this relationship with a lot of baggage, and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to learn to trust again. That’s why I didn’t call you. I was afraid. But I’m not afraid anymore. I feel safe with you. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point but I think I’m finally ready to take the plunge.
DONNA
You are?
KEN
I am.
DONNA
You will?
KEN
I will.
DONNA
You’ll drink?
KEN
I’ll drink.
DONNA
Then drink!
KEN takes the coffee mug and takes a big gulp. A pause.
KEN
Wow. This is good.
DONNA
You like it?
KEN
I do. This is some good coffee.
DONNA
See I told you I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
I feel like such a dick.
DONNA
Why?
KEN
I pooped in your oatmeal.
DONNA
Dammit!
The End.
Cast of Characters:
DONNA...Elizabeth Rowe
KEN... Michael Levine
"Shed of the Dead" has been giving me problems, and I recently decided to replace it with another one-act. I know I'll come back to it eventually, but it's not going to part of the aforementioned Hall of Fantasy quartet. I finished the first draft of the replacement last night and I'm really pleased with it.
Anyway, I'm writing because while I was at work the other day I stumbled upon the 2007 edition of the SLC Review. I'd never read one of these before, or even been aware of their existence, and I was surprised to find a lot of great works. I didn't read all of the selections in the SLC review, but these were my favorites of the ones I read. I mostly only read pieces if they had a title that grabbed me or they were penned by someone I knew. Seriously though, check these out:
Phoebe's Stop'N'Eat by Amy Liedman
A trucker tells another trucker of his encounter with a zombie. This story's really short, but that's part of what makes it so awesome. It's ridiculous how much silliness is packed into just a few paragraphs. I also didn't know Amy could write like this.
What Nature Means to Me by Brian Logue
I'd heard that Brian's poems were hilarious, so I was excited to find that one of them was included in this year's review. Definitely worth a read.
Thief by Neil Knox
A master thief breaks into a museum to rescue an ancient Egyptian princess. Described as an "unproducible play" by the review's editor, this script was a welcome escape into the world of fantasy. It was fun trying to visualize it actually being performed.
The Life and Times of a Fraternity Brother by Nick Sansone
A frat boy embarks on an epic quest to score some tail. This one was really funny and clever. I read Nick's LJ from time to time, so it was great to get a glimpse of his creative writing. Nick had another story published in the review, a chapter from a "lost" Herman Melville novel, but this one was my favorite.
Rebel by Amy Laburda
I don't want to give too much away on this one, so I'll just say it's a piece of hard-boiled detective fiction with a twist. It's just short enough that it didn't overstay its welcome, but it also left me wanting more. In a good way.
Before I go I also wanted to share another scene I wrote a while back. This one's called "Strange Brew" and it was written for the last SLC Lampoon show. It's about a couple with some serious trust issues.
“Strange Brew”
The location? A kitchen, morning. DONNA flits about the room wearing a man’s dress shirt as she makes breakfast. KEN stumbles out from the bedroom, wearing pajamas.
DONNA
Good morning, cranky pants.
KEN
Hey. How long have you been up?
DONNA
Six-thirty. I woke up extra-early this morning and I thought, “Hey you know what I should do? I should fix Kenneth a nice, big breakfast. Waffles, pancakes, apple fritters -
KEN
Wow that’s great…
DONNA
Orange poppy cheese bread, apricot Danishes, the works! And what better way to start off your morning than with a big, creamy cup of steaming hot java.
DONNA takes a pot of coffee from the counter and pours it into Ken’s mug.
KEN
Wow, Donna, this is amazing. Listen I wanted to tell you last night, I’m sorry I didn’t call you after last week. I was really tied up at work -
DONNA
Say no more. All is forgotten. Here you go.
DONNA places the mug in front of KEN. KEN takes the coffee and raises it to his lips.
I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
What?
DONNA
What?
KEN
What did you just say?
DONNA
What?
DONNA takes a bowl of oatmeal from the counter and brings it to the table.
KEN
You just said, “I didn’t pee in your coffee.”
DONNA
Well I didn’t.
KEN
But why would you say that?
DONNA
Why shouldn’t I?
KEN
I just don’t understand -
DONNA
Kenneth, our relationship is in its infancy. We’re still establishing what most couples take for granted; communication, fidelity, intimacy, trust. I want you to trust that I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
But why would I even think that?
DONNA
How do you know you that I didn’t? We barely know each other! We went on our first date last week and we haven’t spoken since.
KEN
And like I said, I’m sorry I didn’t call.
DONNA
It’s okay! That doesn’t matter. None of that matters. All that matters to me right now is that you know that I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
Okay.
KEN takes the cup of coffee and raises it to his lips. He puts it down.
I just don’t get why you would say that.
DONNA
Kenneth we are a nation at war! Our government lies to us every day! Who can you trust? The President? The Supreme Court? The guy who tells you he’ll call you and then he doesn’t?
KEN
I said I was sorry!
DONNA
Kenneth, this isn’t about whether or not I peed in your coffee. This isn’t about whether or not you called me back when you said you would. This is about trust. This is about taking your heart and ripping it out of your chest and holding it out in front of someone and saying to them, “I trust you!” That’s what this is. This is about you on the top of a tree and me at the bottom with my arms out to catch you and you jumping off that tree and saying, “This is some good coffee!” And if you can’t understand that then I don’t know what I’m doing in your kitchen wearing your one-hundred percent pinpoint cotton Oxford dress shirt.
KEN takes this in. He looks at the coffee, then at DONNA.
KEN
Okay.
DONNA
Okay?
KEN
I’ll do it.
DONNA
You will?
KEN
I will. Donna, I came into this relationship with a lot of baggage, and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to learn to trust again. That’s why I didn’t call you. I was afraid. But I’m not afraid anymore. I feel safe with you. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point but I think I’m finally ready to take the plunge.
DONNA
You are?
KEN
I am.
DONNA
You will?
KEN
I will.
DONNA
You’ll drink?
KEN
I’ll drink.
DONNA
Then drink!
KEN takes the coffee mug and takes a big gulp. A pause.
KEN
Wow. This is good.
DONNA
You like it?
KEN
I do. This is some good coffee.
DONNA
See I told you I didn’t pee in your coffee.
KEN
I feel like such a dick.
DONNA
Why?
KEN
I pooped in your oatmeal.
DONNA
Dammit!
The End.
Cast of Characters:
DONNA...Elizabeth Rowe
KEN... Michael Levine