En Själ Djup Och Sorgsna Farväl
((A Soul Deep and Sorrowful Farewell))
The ride to the airport early the morning of the 26th was subdued and Eino and Tino left Berwald to his withdrawn contemplation. They knew today was going to be very difficult and he was getting to an inner place of strength to carry out what was long overdue.
The Flight itself was just under 55 minutes and ( Read more... )
The ride to the airport early the morning of the 26th was subdued and Eino and Tino left Berwald to his withdrawn contemplation. They knew today was going to be very difficult and he was getting to an inner place of strength to carry out what was long overdue.
The Flight itself was just under 55 minutes and ( Read more... )
He roughly sat up and rolled Tino on to his back on the bed, still intimately connected together as Berwald kissed and bit and DEVOURED his lover.
He needed Tino desperately, to own him, to possess him, to conquer him, to MARK him as Berwald's conquest.
They violently crashed together, names gasped and cried, moaned and shouted. Fingernails scratched, teeth drew drops of blood, fingers left bruises, tongues battled and bodies writhed.
This was the most intense, most wild, most abandoned to passion they had ever become with each other. It was a purging of hate and anger and pain and transforming all the worst emotions one could feel into something powerful and magical.
"Mine. MINE!" Berwald ground out possessively as he bit and sucked at Tino's neck as he ground him almost mercilessly into the sheets.
Tino's fingertips were covered in blood from Berwald's back and it was smearing across skin as the line where one body began the the other ended blurred into just one undulating beat... driving the tempest to peak in once astounding synchronized crescendo of ultimate, shuddering, painful and soul purifying release.
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Berwald felt ashamed he'd lost control like that when the "Ow" slipped passed Tino's unguarded lips.
"How bad Ow?" Berwald asked cringing when he looked at his paw prints and bruises he'd left peppered on Tino's body. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." Berwald apologized almost afraid to touch Tino now, since he was pretty sure he may have really injured Tino somehow.
Berwald hobbled over to the bathroom and came back with a cool washcloth to gingerly dab at bits he was sure he was never going to be allowed to touch or even get NEAR to ever again.
What was he? Some DOG in HEAT? What the hell had possessed him to treat Tino like some cheap and tawdry whore?
How did he feel? He felt like a complete and utter ASSHOLE at the moment. "I'm so sorry." Berwald said quietly, trying to clean up the mess he'd made of the one person he had never wanted to ever hurt.
Now he had and he just wanted to run out in traffic frankly.
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"What are you sorry for? I ripped you up." He said, finding enough strength to get one of his little mitts up to caress the claw marks dashed across Berwald's chest. "If you're sorry that I hurt, fuck off, it felt so good to be on equal terms with you. It's not horrible to be treated like glass, but sometimes it feels so good to be thrown around and pummeled into the mattress like all you care about is feeling good, not being careful. Reckless abandon is hot." He purred, but his eyes stayed closed as the cold cloth wiped down his soiled, tenderized and bloodied body.
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This wasn't just a little manhandling, this bordered on abuse to Berwald's sensibilities.
"I don't mean to treat you like glass Ti. I don't. It's just... you're my... everything. You're all I have in this world, especially now. This was too much, I went too far. I can't bear hurting you." Berwald replied. Getting up to walk back into the bathroom, this time he shut the door, pressed his face against the cold tile of the wall and fought the tears that wanted to fall yet again. He had to get his damn emotions under control!
How did he always manage to screw everything up? Take everything one step too far? This time a million steps too far. Tino liked it NOW... However, in an hour? He was going to really be in pain!
Berwald turned the water on in the sink to hide the sound of him fighting his fragile state of mind. For probably the fiftieth time that morning. God he hated himself at the moment.
He couldn't let Tino see this, he'd just worry more. He couldn't look at the welts and the bruises on Tino's skin, the first Time he went into the Sauna tomorrow Mummi was going to get out her gun and pop him right between the eyes.
He'd load the gun for her.
It was no wonder Bergren hated him... he hated himself just as much currently.
He was so confused, so LOST, so frightened. He looked up to see the blood all over him. His chest and back were covered in long gouges and scratches.
He deserved every single one of them, and if he had salt handy, he'd start rubbing it in the wounds. He deserved that too.
The emotional roller coaster he was on was manifesting as hypertension now, he couldn't catch his breath, his hands were shaking, he was having one doozy of a panic attack. All the things he had been trying to suppress for days, months and in some cases YEARS began breaking apart.
He was gasping for air as he bent over the sink and he clutched his chest in pain as he tried to get air into constricted lungs.
The world was closing in on him and the last thing he saw was the tile counter meeting his face as he hyperventilated himself right into passing out cold and falling onto the bathroom floor.
No, Berwald was having one HELL of a bad day no matter how you looked at it and he was not 30... despite how he normally comported himself, he was still 18 in many, many ways. Emotionally he was a very lost young man, trying to tread water in the sea that was churning all around him.
He bottled up emotions until they burst free and consumed him in a tidal wave. He had made progress, but even the most stable of men would have been hard pressed to stay sane faced with the Day Berwald had been faced with and the clock had only just clicked over to NOON.
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He was dragged out of this thought by the sound of a loud thud in the bathroom. Oh no that was never a good sound. "Berwald?" Tino called, worry giving him the necessarily fuel to move his unsteady legs. He sent a little prayer up to Jesus as a thank you, the door hadn't been locked. "Berwald, what happened?" He asked in utter panic as, precariously he fell to his knees beside the Swede and started inspecting him. There was no blood coming from his head, thank goodness, but he was knocked out cold. "Berwald. Berwald wake up! Berwald please I can't lift you to get you back to bed." He pleaded, shaking his beloved. "Berwald don't you dare do this to me now." He started to blubber. "This was supposed to make you feel better, and I just fucked it all up to hell." He sobbed, thunking his own head down onto the giant's chest and laying his own body against the cold tile floor beside him. He cried. "I'm so sorry Berwald. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your father and your mother and your step mother and siblings. I'm sorry that you had to grow up so fast, I'm sorry that I act immature all the time. I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings and making you feel bad. Voi Luoja, all I wanted was for you to feel good not make it worse. God, why do you have to do this to Berwald?" He questioned of the ceiling. "It's not fair. Berwald I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to feel good, I shouldn't have pressured you." He sobbed into Berwald's stomach.
He'd had his own stress throughout the day in relation to the events, no where near the level of Berwald's, but certainly much more than he was accustomed to. It was Berwald's broken heart that tore him apart, the fact that Berwald tried to guilt himself to death over things that, in Tino's mind, weren't worth it. So he was going to be bruised and achy in a while? So was Berwald. But he knew that to the Swede it didn't matter if he was to experience pain at Tino's hand, just so long as Tino didn't get his share of the same.
"Berwald, please wake up." He bawled. "Please tell me how to make it okay. I did the best I could do. I don't know what better I can do, but please I love you, let me help you." He sobbed. "Trust me to love you no matter what, please."
After he had exploded probably half a gallon of bodily fluids from his eyes Tino finally brought himself back to reality, grounded himself. This was no time to fall to pieces, Berwald was almost LITERALLY in pieces on the bathroom floor. "Alright. Good talk." He sniffled, patting the pool of salty moister on the giant's belly before sitting back up. "We have to get you in bed. I'm going to win a weight lifting medal today." He screwed his face and took hold of the giant's shoulders. He had to drag Berwald from the bathroom and over to the bed. He was so grateful that it was less distance than back when he'd had to do it in the dorm to get Berwald to the shower.
Of course, that time Berwald could get himself on the bed. This time? Not so much. Tino propped the unconcious Swede against the side of the bed and climbed up on the mattress himself. Standing; he once again gripped his fiance's arm and threw himself backwards. The force was enough to get Berwald's upper body onto the bed. (Even if it did send Tino toppling over onto his back. He was lucky for the large size of the bed. He could have fallen off the other end, but only his head dangled down.) He fought his way free and returned to lift the nude giant's hips and legs under the covers before joining him. "Berwald. I love you too much. I wish that didn't scare you so much." He whispered, kissing his one and only love.
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A void where he could rest, re-group, no thinking, no feeling, just sleeping off the pain and the stress.
But true to Berwald's almost subconscious NEED to be connected in some way to Tino in his sleep, he rolled off his painful back, without waking, his body solely on "auto-pilot" and he curled up around Tino the way he always did, his breath evened out, his heart-rate slowed and he sank deeper into sleep. His hands cradling Tino in his arms as if Tino was the most precious thing in the universe.
To Berwald... he was.
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How the hell had he gotten in bed and why did his face feel like he had run face first into a wall and good god his back was on FIRE.
Then he remembered.
SHIT
He gingerly sat up, used to moving now without waking Tino. He could see his mangled glasses across the room on the bathroom floor. He couldn't see his own FEET or the floor beside the bed, but all the way across the room... no problem.
SHIT
He shuffled carefully across the room, careful not to step on or trip over anything and found his glasses on the floor. He held up one lens up to his eye, the other one was cracked. And inspected himself in the bathroom mirror with one eye using his broken glasses like a monocle.
He looked like a P.O.W.
He had one massive bruise forming on his forehead and a decent goose egg sized bump there now too.
He was covered in dried blood and scratches.
SHIT
He wet a wash cloth and cleaned up as best he could with one eye and useless glasses. Trying not to THINK or RELIVE the Hell of the past 24 hours.
Once again, his weaknesses had gotten the best of him, his depression, even on medication, bitch-slapping him hard. The god damn Hypertension was going to kill him eventually if it made him pass out like that.
He was going to Kill Tino eventually if he continued like this. Love only withstood so much trial eventually even love wouldn't be enough and Tino would not want to deal with all of Berwald's BAGGAGE anymore.
Berwald wouldn't blame him either. God he was one FUCKED UP excuse for a human being. He was almost afraid to look at Tino sleeping. If Berwald looked this bad, Tino must look worse.
So he took the coward's way out this time... he grabbed a bottle, any bottle he didn't care from the mini-bar, navigated himself into a chair by the window and drowning his sorrows.
Aged Scotch straight from the bottle in slow swigs. No guzzling this time, he did promise... but a slow slide into not thinking anymore was needed.
He had only ever felt this BROKEN a few times in his life. The first time, 8 years old on his accursed birthday. The next time in the airport at age thirteen, also his birthday, when he discovered his tickets home had been cancelled.
The next time, Halloween. That was a low he would never forget.
Now today, he felt *OLD* and *TIRED* and he was only 18. He'd had more than enough misery to last the rest of his life.
And how did he repay Tino's attempts to make him feel better? Acted like a god damn ANIMAL and tore him apart.
Maybe he should just toss in his chips, be grateful he'd had those few wonderful months with Tino and go jump off a cliff.
another drink
But that would hurt Tino even more.
He was at one of those places that no matter what he did... Tino would be upset and if he did nothing to repent for hurting Tino... HE was going to be upset. He already WAS upset.
One more Drink
He just had no answers to so very many problems.
No answers at all.
Tino didn't need all this baggage. What the HELL was he doing with such a pathetic LOSER?
Two more swallows
He was far enough across the room he could see Tino clearly. Covered in Berwald's dried blood, the sheets were ruined, he looked MISERABLE.
That's all Berwald seemed to give him. Tears, pain, heartache and more tears.
"Why do you stay with me?" Berwald asked his bottle as he took another drink and looked away, back out of the window and tried to not disturb Tino as he quietly and slowly drank his way through his bottle of whiskey.
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However, he was plagued by one, very real, very painful, nightmare. It started out with being alone in a dark, empty field. He didn't like to be alone in the dark in such a secluded place. Mummi had always instilled a feeling of needing to be safe. The son of a politician and a prosecution homicide lawyer had plenty of reasons to need to be safe. No one had ever tried to kidnap him, but there had always been the increased possibility that he would be than the average young boy. He waded through the grass towards a small light he saw in the distance. Perhaps it was a house? Or a street light? Light in general would have been welcome. The stars were bright but there was no moon. He parted the long grass and made his way towards the light.
He was slightly disappointed to find that it wasn't anything like he had thought. It was a lot closer, but it was only an electric lantern hanging from an old branch on a tree. Well piss and vinegar. "Voi Luoja, I have no idea where I am." He didn't seem to understand that he was in a dream. But when one is in a dream one doesn't really doesn't comprehend that fact.
"Hello? Is anyone around?" Tino bellowed, looking around the tree. Someone had to have left the lantern.
"Don't be shouting, you'll scare the fish." Came a deep voice from a few feet away. Tino hadn't noticed the pond only a few feet away and the man parked on the dock out into it.
"Oh, sorry. Could you tell me where I am?" Tino asked, approaching the man who gave him no answer. As he got closer though, the man turned and Tino felt like the blood pooled down into his shoes. He recognized the face, and the soft white beret... The one he wore quite frequently. He looked into the face of a man he barely remembered, but who's pictures made it so he'd never forget. "Ukki?" He asked, blinking.
The man grunted in confirmation. "Sit." He commanded, and Tino did as he was told. "Ukki what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in heaven."
"I'm here to pick someone up. I didn't have anything going on and I hadn't spoken to you since you were a baby, I volunteered."
"Am I going to heaven?" Tino asked, worridly. "Because I can't go yet. I have to stay a little longer for Berwald. He's not in a good way. He got hurt and even broke his glasses. I have to show him where his spare pair are."
Ukki sighed. "You won't have to worry about any of that." The old man said, putting away his pole and tackle. "I'm leaving now, the boat is coming." He said, standing and adjusting his plaid vest. Tino craned his neck to see the figures in the boat. Who was his Ukki taking to heaven? He hoped it wasn't Mummi. But something shattered in him when the boat arrived and Tino lifted the lantern to see Berwald sitting in the boat that his Ukki was climbing into. "Berwald? Why are you in a boat?"
The giant looked as though he wanted to say something, but couldn't. Tino waited only a second for an answer as his Ukki gingerly climbed down the dock and into the boat. Ukki was supposed to take BERWALD to heaven? He stared, mouth agape for a moment, and couldn't move until Ukki started rowing away. As though chains were binding him, they suddenly snapped and he ran down the length of the dock, trying to reach the boat. His fingers only gently brushed the wood before the black water swallowed him, screaming, whole.
The next thing he knew he was flailing around in the sheets of his hotel room, gulping air and looking around frantically, finally spotting Berwald in the chair. "Don't go with Ukki!" He yelled, only half awake, and only half aware of where he was.
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Great, you gave him nightmares. Good going Asshole. Berwald thought to himself as he stumbled over to the bed and reached it just as Tino shot up screaming "Don't go with Ukki!"
Berwald sat, grabbed both Tino's arms to keep them from hitting him in his face and shushed Tino.
"Sssshhhhh. Ti, you're having a Bad dream askling." Berwald said quietly in comfort waiting for Tino to come into wakefulness and clarity.
Berwald looked terrible, felt worse and was definitely not sober, he was drunk, but not plastered or sloppy. He was just drunk and smelled of the scotch he had been steadily imbibing.
But Tino needed him at the moment so he shoved his baggage back in his internal closet and hoped he could help and not make things any worse than they already were.
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He threw his arms around Berwald's neck and hugged him. "Don't go to heaven yet. Whatever's wrong we can figure it out together. But we can't if you go to heaven so just stay close okay? I dreamed that Ukki came in a boat to take you to heaven. And I couldn't catch the boat. I just fell in the water." He sighed, holding Berwald close. His little heart was still pounding. He was so worried for Berwald, he'd come to worry that Berwald would choose to rather just die. "I won't let anything bad happen to you okay?"
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He sat back a little and tried in vain to focus his eyes. But no glasses, alcohol and a massive bruise and bump on his forehead it was a futile effort.
He looked terrible.
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