En Själ Djup Och Sorgsna Farväl
((A Soul Deep and Sorrowful Farewell))
The ride to the airport early the morning of the 26th was subdued and Eino and Tino left Berwald to his withdrawn contemplation. They knew today was going to be very difficult and he was getting to an inner place of strength to carry out what was long overdue.
The Flight itself was just under 55 minutes and Eino drove the rental car downtown and parked in the parking garage. "Are you sure you don't you want me to come in with you?" He asked and Berwald shook his head, straightened his long dress coat and tie. He looked every inch a young urban executive and immaculate, a man on equal ground to the one he was about to face.
"Yes. I'm sure... I'm... Okay. I need to do this on my own." Berwald replied looking over at Tino who looked infinitely concerned standing beside him in the parking garage.
Tino was not giving Berwald a choice, he would stand as a silent witness and he would be damned if he let Berwald do this totally alone without emotional support. He had been there late last night, only half asleep when Berwald got up to pace the night away in anxiety. He was there holding a frightened hand in the dark of the night. Only Tino was allowed to see the weak, scared little boy inside the young man standing there today.
Berwald held Tino's hand in a firm grip as they made their way inside and up to his father's office on the 22nd floor. The elevator door opened up to reveal the receptionist's desk, the same woman still worked it and she looked up as Berwald approached and visibly BLANCHED as if she had seen a ghost walking toward her in a camel colored mohair coat and black pinstripe Armani suit.
"Good morning Mrs. Lindberg. I presume My Fader is in his office?" Berwald asked and she nodded slowly in her shock.
"Berwald... why I live and breathe you've grown up so much. You look exactly like him." She muttered and Berwald hid his grimace.
"Unfortunately." Berwald said turning toward the ostentatious set of double doors on the other end of the room. "I won't be long. Please be so kind as to keep us from being interrupted." He asked and she nodded again as Berwald squared his shoulders and marched proudly and with purpose into his Father's Office, Tino just a quiet ghost step behind him, worried out of his young mind...
There Behind the desk sat Bergren Oxenstierna. Just an older version of Berwald without glasses and a slightly bluer and less turquoise shade of eyes, but everything else, hair, facial features, stern natural glaring frown and massive height was all the same, it was almost eery. He looked up from his desk and the stack of papers he was going over and had the good grace to look, momentarily, afraid. He had not expected to look up and she his own face scowling back at him in many years worth of anger and betrayal simmering under the surface. Berwald held up his hand as his father started to rise from his seat and speak.
"Don't bother, this won't take much of your time Mr. Oxenstierna." Berwald said coldly, his voice devoid of emotion. Tino waited in the open doorway where a few other curious onlookers where trying not to be obvious as they eavesdropped. Berwald reached into his coat pocket and tossed his father's debit card onto his desk. It landed neatly on top of Bergren's stack of legal papers.
"I do not need this or you anymore. I know you must be relieved to hear it and I won't take up anymore of your time... ever again. Your wish is granted, Berwald Oxenstierna is Dead. That is what you told your wife and my siblings I believe. Do you have any idea how it feels to learn you have a family you never even knew existed? Then, to add insult to injury, to discover they believe you are dead and buried? And that tale was perpetuated by your own Fader? I never wanted to truly believe you hated me that much. No child ever wants to believe something like that. But you do, I don't know why and I do not want to know why. I do not need you any more, I at last have someone who loves me, he cares if I live or die and I will never, ever treat our children if we have them the way you treated me." Berwald paused to let his father have a good long look at Tino standing in the doorway, bottling up all his anger and biting his tongue. He would let Berwald fight his own battle, even if it was more than obvious he wanted to add his own two cents to the discussion.
"Have a nice Life Mr. Oxenstierna, I won't ever bother it again. I'm not asking for a thing from you, because I know damn well you've erased my existence in your life already. I know there is nothing left of my life here to ask for in the first place. I don't want to hear what you have to say for yourself, there is absolutely nothing you can say that will excuse or justify your behavior. I'm not the eight year old you emotionally abandoned when Mamma died anymore. I am not the scared and lonely thirteen year old you left stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean anymore either. I'm walking out of your life as a man, a man I made by myself. I am a better man than you will ever be, you pathetic coward." Berwald finished, turned around without a single glance back at the man sitting mouth agape at his desk. Berwald took Tino's hand as he walked them back to the elevator and left a stunned office in his wake.
It was almost too much for Berwald to bear when the elevator opened and SHE walked out of it with two small children who raced out of the elevator like bats out of hell happily calling for "Pappa!" She looked up at Berwald and smiled a genuine and cheerful apologetic smile.
"I'm so sorry, they never look for people waiting to get on the elevator." She said apologizing for her very young children, The boy was not even five and the girl was just past her second birthday. They were vibrant, beautiful, joyful children. How Berwald envied them. His step-mother then paused as slowly a recognition of Berwald's face began to dawn upon her. He looked so much like her husband it was almost scary how much. Like a very young clone with glasses. She was wondering if they were related.
"It's alright. I'm just glad they get to be happy children." Berwald said and meant it... his face was stony and devoid of expression. Except if you looked in his eyes, his whole soul was BROKEN inside. This was the life he had been denied. It wasn't her fault, she was an innocent pawn in his father's twisted game. His siblings he would never begrudge a moment's joy. They would never know the same father he knew. She didn't know the same man Berwald knew and Berwald wasn't going to be the one to tell her either. To her he was a ghost and he was going to leave it that way.
"Have a good day Mrs. Oxenstierna." He said as he and Tino boarded the elevator and headed back to the parking garage.
Berwald turned deeply inward, as the elevator doors closed and they descended, he said nothing, you could hardly hear him breathing. Just this stone giant, holding the last shreds of his dignity together as they walked back to the car and got inside. His hand was lifeless as it held Tino's. It was as if Berwald was trying to process too many emotions all at once so his body had just given up trying to process any at all.
He sat like a mannequin in the car, silent as a ghost. Not a sound, not a whimper, not a tremble or shiver. His eyes were seeing things far away. But his cheeks were now, in the privacy of a car, beginning to saturate with tears. Eerie, silent tears. The only indication he was feeling anything at all. He was unresponsive, lost in the mire of his own thoughts and memories.
It was over, there was closure. The War ended... and as with all wars... there were no winners. Only pain and heartbreak ever came out of conflict. There would be new beginnings but wounds never went away, only time would heal them. But the scars left behind would be there forever.
The ride to the airport early the morning of the 26th was subdued and Eino and Tino left Berwald to his withdrawn contemplation. They knew today was going to be very difficult and he was getting to an inner place of strength to carry out what was long overdue.
The Flight itself was just under 55 minutes and Eino drove the rental car downtown and parked in the parking garage. "Are you sure you don't you want me to come in with you?" He asked and Berwald shook his head, straightened his long dress coat and tie. He looked every inch a young urban executive and immaculate, a man on equal ground to the one he was about to face.
"Yes. I'm sure... I'm... Okay. I need to do this on my own." Berwald replied looking over at Tino who looked infinitely concerned standing beside him in the parking garage.
Tino was not giving Berwald a choice, he would stand as a silent witness and he would be damned if he let Berwald do this totally alone without emotional support. He had been there late last night, only half asleep when Berwald got up to pace the night away in anxiety. He was there holding a frightened hand in the dark of the night. Only Tino was allowed to see the weak, scared little boy inside the young man standing there today.
Berwald held Tino's hand in a firm grip as they made their way inside and up to his father's office on the 22nd floor. The elevator door opened up to reveal the receptionist's desk, the same woman still worked it and she looked up as Berwald approached and visibly BLANCHED as if she had seen a ghost walking toward her in a camel colored mohair coat and black pinstripe Armani suit.
"Good morning Mrs. Lindberg. I presume My Fader is in his office?" Berwald asked and she nodded slowly in her shock.
"Berwald... why I live and breathe you've grown up so much. You look exactly like him." She muttered and Berwald hid his grimace.
"Unfortunately." Berwald said turning toward the ostentatious set of double doors on the other end of the room. "I won't be long. Please be so kind as to keep us from being interrupted." He asked and she nodded again as Berwald squared his shoulders and marched proudly and with purpose into his Father's Office, Tino just a quiet ghost step behind him, worried out of his young mind...
There Behind the desk sat Bergren Oxenstierna. Just an older version of Berwald without glasses and a slightly bluer and less turquoise shade of eyes, but everything else, hair, facial features, stern natural glaring frown and massive height was all the same, it was almost eery. He looked up from his desk and the stack of papers he was going over and had the good grace to look, momentarily, afraid. He had not expected to look up and she his own face scowling back at him in many years worth of anger and betrayal simmering under the surface. Berwald held up his hand as his father started to rise from his seat and speak.
"Don't bother, this won't take much of your time Mr. Oxenstierna." Berwald said coldly, his voice devoid of emotion. Tino waited in the open doorway where a few other curious onlookers where trying not to be obvious as they eavesdropped. Berwald reached into his coat pocket and tossed his father's debit card onto his desk. It landed neatly on top of Bergren's stack of legal papers.
"I do not need this or you anymore. I know you must be relieved to hear it and I won't take up anymore of your time... ever again. Your wish is granted, Berwald Oxenstierna is Dead. That is what you told your wife and my siblings I believe. Do you have any idea how it feels to learn you have a family you never even knew existed? Then, to add insult to injury, to discover they believe you are dead and buried? And that tale was perpetuated by your own Fader? I never wanted to truly believe you hated me that much. No child ever wants to believe something like that. But you do, I don't know why and I do not want to know why. I do not need you any more, I at last have someone who loves me, he cares if I live or die and I will never, ever treat our children if we have them the way you treated me." Berwald paused to let his father have a good long look at Tino standing in the doorway, bottling up all his anger and biting his tongue. He would let Berwald fight his own battle, even if it was more than obvious he wanted to add his own two cents to the discussion.
"Have a nice Life Mr. Oxenstierna, I won't ever bother it again. I'm not asking for a thing from you, because I know damn well you've erased my existence in your life already. I know there is nothing left of my life here to ask for in the first place. I don't want to hear what you have to say for yourself, there is absolutely nothing you can say that will excuse or justify your behavior. I'm not the eight year old you emotionally abandoned when Mamma died anymore. I am not the scared and lonely thirteen year old you left stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean anymore either. I'm walking out of your life as a man, a man I made by myself. I am a better man than you will ever be, you pathetic coward." Berwald finished, turned around without a single glance back at the man sitting mouth agape at his desk. Berwald took Tino's hand as he walked them back to the elevator and left a stunned office in his wake.
It was almost too much for Berwald to bear when the elevator opened and SHE walked out of it with two small children who raced out of the elevator like bats out of hell happily calling for "Pappa!" She looked up at Berwald and smiled a genuine and cheerful apologetic smile.
"I'm so sorry, they never look for people waiting to get on the elevator." She said apologizing for her very young children, The boy was not even five and the girl was just past her second birthday. They were vibrant, beautiful, joyful children. How Berwald envied them. His step-mother then paused as slowly a recognition of Berwald's face began to dawn upon her. He looked so much like her husband it was almost scary how much. Like a very young clone with glasses. She was wondering if they were related.
"It's alright. I'm just glad they get to be happy children." Berwald said and meant it... his face was stony and devoid of expression. Except if you looked in his eyes, his whole soul was BROKEN inside. This was the life he had been denied. It wasn't her fault, she was an innocent pawn in his father's twisted game. His siblings he would never begrudge a moment's joy. They would never know the same father he knew. She didn't know the same man Berwald knew and Berwald wasn't going to be the one to tell her either. To her he was a ghost and he was going to leave it that way.
"Have a good day Mrs. Oxenstierna." He said as he and Tino boarded the elevator and headed back to the parking garage.
Berwald turned deeply inward, as the elevator doors closed and they descended, he said nothing, you could hardly hear him breathing. Just this stone giant, holding the last shreds of his dignity together as they walked back to the car and got inside. His hand was lifeless as it held Tino's. It was as if Berwald was trying to process too many emotions all at once so his body had just given up trying to process any at all.
He sat like a mannequin in the car, silent as a ghost. Not a sound, not a whimper, not a tremble or shiver. His eyes were seeing things far away. But his cheeks were now, in the privacy of a car, beginning to saturate with tears. Eerie, silent tears. The only indication he was feeling anything at all. He was unresponsive, lost in the mire of his own thoughts and memories.
It was over, there was closure. The War ended... and as with all wars... there were no winners. Only pain and heartbreak ever came out of conflict. There would be new beginnings but wounds never went away, only time would heal them. But the scars left behind would be there forever.