En Själ Djup Och Sorgsna Farväl

[berwaldsverige]

 ((A Soul Deep and Sorrowful Farewell))

The ride to the airport early the morning of the 26th was subdued and Eino and Tino left Berwald to his withdrawn contemplation. They knew today was going to be very difficult and he was getting to an inner place of strength to carry out what was long overdue.

The Flight itself was just under 55 minutes and

Comments

[tino_suomi]

"Bear." Tino whispered, collecting his fiance into his arms, flinching only far enough away to remove Berwald's glasses and tuck them into his own pocket. He pressed his love into his shoulder and caressed the back of his head. His heart was breaking in two. "I love you so much. You're so brave." He whispered. He didn't need a response, he just wish he could have his love radiate from his chest and warm Berwald from the inside out. Oh how Berwald had years of pains to release and Tino didn't know what to say or to do to make it better. All he could do was just hold onto his love and profess his love in whispers and murmurs, petting his hair and pressing his lips into Berwald's forehead. He was all consumed in this work when his father meekly announced their arrival at the hotel.

"Alright Isa. We'll be along soon." Tino whispered, burying his face in Berwald's hair. "You wanna go lay down with me?" He asked of his fiance, fighting the tears in his eyes and sniffling a little. They must have shared a heart, as Berwald's shattered heart was breaking his own.

[berwaldsverige]

Berwald couldn't talk, he was too choked up for words, he just meekly nodded into Tino's neck as he pulled the shards of his dignity and pride back around him in broken pieces and wiped his face on his coat sleeve to try and hide the traces of his misery.

He handed Tino a paper from his pocket. It was their reservation confirmation, it was already paid in full, it was an early check in approved, all Tino had to do was collect their key from the front desk.

"I'm sorry." Berwald choked out, ashamed of himself as he tried collecting his wounded pride. He never lost it like this, only that asshole ever made him feel eight years old again.

"I'll be in, in a minute. You don't have to sit here with me. I'll be... okay. I'm sorry you had to see me like this." Berwald added, leaving the car and walking AWAY from the hotel and toward a bench where he sat down in the cold. He didn't want anyone else to see him a mess, especially TINO, he felt weak and unmanned, once he collected his dignity, he'd join Tino inside. There was no sense in Tino freezing out here with him, he'd pull it together, squash the pain like he always did and then walk through that lobby and hope his eyes weren't as bloodshot as they felt.

[tino_suomi]

"Berwald there is nothing to be sorry about. Berwald..." He pleaded for only a moment before sighing into the cold Swedish air, his breath haloing around his head like a little ice angel. He clutched the piece of paper to his chest and turned on his heel. Perhaps Berwald needed a minute to regroup without Tino watching him. The Finn would respect Berwald's need in that moment and go get them checked in. So he wriggled in the car to get their overnight bags and headed into the hotel. His father was waiting for him in the lobby. Eino had already gotten his own room, Tino just needed to pick up the key.

"Where's Berwald?" The middle aged Finn asked.

"He's not well off, he sent me in to get the key. I don't think he wants anyone to see him all broken down. I'm going to do that and put our bags in the room, and then go collect him. He's just wearing the mohair coat, not his winter jacket. I don't want to leave him out there too long." And with that his father marched with him up to the front desk and Tino collected the key. They made it to the elevator before Eino took the bags from his son and held out his hand for the key card. "Here, I'll put your things away. Go get him, I don't want him to freeze to death out there or catch pneumonia. Poor boy's been through a lot, but we should make sure he can go through it in a safe environment."

The son nodded with a sigh and turned on his heel. It seemed even colder when he went outdoors for the second time. Berwald was still on the same bench he'd been left on quite a few feet away. "Oh bear." He sighed, marching up and gently hugging his beloved's head. "Please, I know you're hurting, but please do it inside where you're safe and warm? Isa is taking our bags up, it'll all be okay. Let's just go lay down, baby, you need it."

[berwaldsverige]

"I hate him. I hate that he makes me FEEL like this." Berwald mumbled, not moving, not crying, just sitting there looking as cold emotionally as he was physically.

"I wanted to tell him that, I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to punch him. But that would have made me no better than him. I hate that he makes me eight years old all over again just looking at him." Berwald continued, each word getting angrier and angrier. Until the last few words were spoken through gritted, clenched teeth.

Berwald slammed his fist into the back of the bench, causing the icicles that had accumulated on the arms to crack off and fall. Sorrow had been replaced now by FURY. This was one of the multitude of emotions battling for dominance right now in Berwald's being.

Berwald looked FRIGHTENING, his red rimmed eyes were glistening now with RAGE. His scowl and frown could not be any more menacing. "I wish I could choke the LIFE out of that man, make him feel as small as he always, ALWAYS makes me feel!" He growled then sighed.

"Ti, I'm sorry. I should have just come alone and not put you and your Fader through this. I'm sorry." Berwald said, looking defeated and deflated and enraged all at once as he sat there in the cold, his nose, ears and fingers bright red from the biting air.

[tino_suomi]

Tino shuddered a bit, this was a step beneath Berwald's berserker rage, he had a feeling about it. He'd never even seen his lover this enraged by even Mathias Jensen. "Bear, there is nothing to be sorry about." The Finn tilted Berwald's face up as best as he could (the larger man was fighting him at every turn not to look him in the eye) and he captured Berwald's lips for a second. "You have every right to be pissed off, but you did so good. You're the bigger, better man. He can never make you feel that way ever again Berwald. Never, ever, ever. And if it'd been me, I would have done all that spitting and fighting, but you're a better man even then me. You said what needed to be said to cut him out of your life. You were mature. You would have thought you were a 30 year old man, not a mere 18 with the way you carried yourself. I would have never let you come to do this alone. When you asked me to marry you that means you also asked me to be beside you through thick and thin, and this was some pretty thick shit, what kind of spouse would I be if I left you to wade through it alone? And my Isa? He's a wonderful man. He loves you like a son already. He'd never let you do it alone either. Now come on, let's go." He smiled sadly, brushing some snow off his fiance's shoulder. "Let's get you inside." He gave the Swede's lips a reassuring smack. "I'm freezing my balls off out here, it's got to be twice as bad for you."

[berwaldsverige]

Berwald let Tino drag him off the bench and inside the building. They headed straight to the elevator and up to their room. It was a beautiful suite on the top floor and it had an incredible view of the city.

Berwald noticed none of it, he just shed his dress coat onto a chair, loosened his Tie and kicked off his Italian Leather shoes by the door.

He crossed to the Mini-bar and contemplated drinking everything in sight, but he'd made a promise he was going to keep. He only grabbed the back of coffee grounds and began going through the motions of making some coffee in the tiny pot in the room.

He hadn't said anything yet, he didn't trust himself. Tino got mad when he apologized and right now it was the only thing he could think of to say... so he said nothing.

He hovered over the pot, willing it to brew faster. He needed something to drink that was not Vodka.

"I'm sorry." He said finally. He knew he sounded like a broken record, he knew Tino would roll his eyes at him, but it was all he had to offer and Tino looked concerned and expectant. He was distressing Tino with his silence, but all he could offer was more apologies.

[tino_suomi]

"What are you sorry for?" He moaned, rolling his eyes as Berwald had predicted. He crossed the threshold of the small kitchenette and gently reached up to take hold of Berwald's loosened tie, and began untying it, and slipping it from Berwald's shoulders (wrapping the silk around his hands a few times before draping it over his own shoulders), he then unbuttoned the top three buttons of the Swede's dress shirt. He needn't be buttoned up to his neck around Tino. Of course though, as Berwald had passed over the mini bar, Tino wasn't as temperate, he stormed over and pulled out a bottle of vodka and a shot glass. At Berwald's prying eyes he smiled gently. "I'm not going overboard. I just want one, and I'll stop after that." The good thing about Tino was that when she said he'd only drink one, he would only drink one. It was when he put no limits on himself that he overindulged. He poured out the shot, downed it, shuddered as it burned it's way down, and put the bottle back where he'd found it.

"Why don't you lay down and change out of those slacks and get more comfortable? I'll pour your coffee, I know how you like it." He reassured, pulling on Berwald's sleeves and trying to drag him away from the counter.

[berwaldsverige]

"I'm sorry about a lot of things. You shouldn't have had to witness that, or put up with me being an anti-social prick for the past two days, or have to see me cry like a pussy, a lot of things, the list goes on." Berwald replied hanging up his suit coat on a hanger, taking his tie and folding it away in the pocket for now. He hung up his slacks too and just paraded around the room in his t-shirt, his unbuttoned dress-shirt, his boxers and his socks.

By the time Berwald finished appeasing Tino his coffee was finished and he accepted the cup from Tino and downed the cup in a few painful gulps. It burned on the way down, too bad it wasn't stronger or more.

He paced the room as he drank the second and final cup (the pot only made two cups at a time), he was still angry and hurt and full of excess... SOMETHING.

He couldn't put his finger on just WHAT he was feeling, but it was RAW, it was something almost PRIMAL. He felt probably like the BULL in a rodeo, all caged up and anxious, WAITING for SOMETHING to explode, that gate to be opened so he could buck that fucking COWBOY on his BACK OFF and then GORE him to pieces.

He had no outlet for this feeling, he couldn't even NAME it, it hovered around anger and fury in one breath and in the next he wanted to put his fist through a wall to expend some of that anxious energy.

Then he got a whiff of Tino's shampoo as he paced by for the tenth or twentieth time and he had a name for THAT emotion, that inner animal inside LOVED that scent, Tino's smell. Pear and Ginger Shampoo, mixed with something purely TINO. Berwald knew THAT spark inside, that was his LUST. The secret part inside him that loved to Rut like a pig in the mud and MARK that TERRITORY as *MINE*.

He fought against that too and paced away again. Hungry, Angry, Hurt, Vulnerable, Conflicted, Raw, Hated, Loved, In Love, Lust, Need, anxiety, fear, every emotion took turns to torment him as he paced a hole in the rug, his mug empty LONG empty.

[tino_suomi]

"Berwald stop pacing you're making me dizzy." Tino pointed out, sitting on the end of the bed and trying to change into his PJs. At this point he was laying on his back and fighting with one of his socks to get it off. "Come lay down before you wear a hole through the floor." He gently commanded, finally getting the last sock off, balling the up together and tossing them over near where his father had set their bags. The second key card that had come with the first sat on the table. His father must have had the other. Oh well. Even though there were two of them staying there, they really didn't need two cards. Tino planned on them not even leaving the room to get food.

"Come on, I'll give you some kisses if you come lay down." He bargained, after wiggling out of his shirt and sweater and into his Moomin t-shirt.

[berwaldsverige]

It wasn't even NOON yet and Tino was getting into his Pajamas. He apparently wasn't planning on leaving this room until they checked out.

Then he ordered Berwald to stop pacing and as always, Berwald did whatever Tino wanted.

It was hard to will his body to sit still, he had far too much pent up energy to work out of his system. Too many things to STOP FEELING and bury.

He looked like a caged bear as he sat down on the edge of the bed to watch Tino change clothes. His leg bouncing unconsciously, channeling that energy into release. He was ramrod straight on the edge of the bed, every muscle tense and coiled like a spring.

That SOMETHING was a brewing storm, trying to find a release for the tempest.

But Tino wanted Berwald to stop pacing, to sit down, so Berwald attempted compliance.

Tino walked past again and the breeze of his passing wafted over that scent again.

"You smell good." Berwald commented. At least it wasn't another apology. He was trying, he just wasn't very good at processing a myriad of emotions simultaneously.

[tino_suomi]

"I took a shower this morning." He pointed out, placing what was left of his clothes back in his bag, and then going through Berwald's and coming back with the Swede's sleep bottoms as if to say 'you're staying put for the rest of the night mister.' Gently he coaxed the giant back farther on the bed and started meddling in trying to get the button up shirt off him. "You need to relax a little." He said quietly as he starting painting kisses from Berwald's temple, down the side of his face, and then to his lips. His fingers were twisting around in the fabric of the shirt, and he had to push himself, flush chest to chest with Berwald, in order to push it down his fiance's arms.

"Only decafe for you for the rest of the night." He added, firmly planting a hand down on Berwald's bouncing knee, trying to still it. He then continued kissing his very pent up jotunn.

[berwaldsverige]

"Decaf tastes like shit." Berwald mumbled between Tino kisses. Those were awfully nice. They always were, but they were NOT having a calming affect, quite the opposite actually. That *SOMETHING* was very much turning into SOMETHING ELSE and rapidly so.

It was becoming a HUNGER and NEED he wanted to just throw Tino down and REALLY PILLAGE that village until this LUST was satisfied.

"Ti... you are playing with a fire right now that may be dangerous. I don't trust myself right now." Berwald admitted truthfully trying not to be consumed by emotions he knew were volatile at the moment.

[tino_suomi]

"Alright. I know." He sighed, and seemed to climb off in defeat. He wandered back over to his small overnight bag and dragged it over and setting it on the foot of the bed. "I know exactly what I'm doing." He said, climbing back up on Berwald's lap, his knees on either side of Berwald's hips and motioning for the giant to lay down. "Just enjoy it." He sighed between heated kisses.

[berwaldsverige]

"What are you doing?" Berwald asked as Tino practically pushed him onto his back on the bed and revving up Berwald's engine on purpose. This was something new and totally out of Tino's usual Modus Operandi.

Tino was rapidly obliterating Berwald's capacity for conscious thought and he was lighting a fire that was beyond anything Berwald had experienced before. It was RAW and PRIMAL. Berwald almost painfully returned Tino's kisses as his hand snaked into Tino's hair and gripped the back of Tino's neck in a firm, almost bruising grip.

This passion was fueled by massive levels of testosterone and hormones released during his emotional battle that morning, just like a soldier after a life and death battle would crave sex, the same adrenaline and hormones were raging in Berwald now.

Tino was adding kerosene to that fire with every movement he made. Berwald wasn't going to last, his lust was consuming him.

[tino_suomi]

Tino reluctantly broke the kiss only long enough to begin the battle with removing his clothes, and then moved onto Berwald's. Muttering out oaths of 'rakastan sinua' as he continued his ministrations. "Voi Luoja." He murmured as he finally rid the giant of his slacks. "There we go."

He reaching into the bag and produced the bottle, one of their very best friends. He'd never done it himself before, but he had no apprehensions, his main focus was Berwald. He didn't understand why seeing Berwald with a broken heart made him want to make it better in such a primal and base way. Was this maybe selfish of him? Maybe he should be more considerate of Berwald's FEELINGS? But those thoughts were quickly dispelled at the feeling of Berwald reacting to his ministrations under his hips. Maybe Berwald needed this? A good, breathless distraction.

Content with his self preparation he panted slightly, hovering over Berwald's lap. "Hips... hands on my... hips." He pleaded, he needed the help remaining stable as he positioned himself.

[berwaldsverige]

There were going to be bruises on Tino's hips later as Berwald grabbed hold and steadied Tino as he lowered himself onto Berwald's extremely painful arousal.

There was a guttural and savage moan that came from somewhere in Berwald's belly and lodged itself like a roar in the back of his throat. He was NOT the vocal one in this pair, but something was base and animalistic this time.

This was sex, pure, unadulterated, down and dirty, get sweaty and leave MARKS kind of sex.

Berwald slammed his hips upward as Tino came down, his massive hands digging into Tino's flesh, his throat GROWLING, his teeth flashing as his lip curled in a satisfied sneer.

Tino's name was almost spat like a curse or a prayer to an ancient pagan god of fertility, it was impossible to tell as Berwald let the fire Tino had started utterly CONSUME HIM completely.