Slinkies make a good hair accessory
Last night I went to LIGALY with Stephanie and a couple of her friends. There was me wearing a yellow slinky in my hair and a nice summer skirt, and when we go out to the car, it was like "Whoa" cause her friends were all gothed out. I didn't care though. They were okay people, I guess. Not too fascinating. I could see them easily hating me, or us just associating with each other. We went to the mall first. It was okay because I saw Vicky and Courtney and other people I haven't seen in a while. I met a bunch of people that I don't remember the names of and will never see again. I missed Who! alot.
We went to the club which was cool. There were actually some straight people there. I had to pretend to be Stephanie's girlfriend because she's too nice to people she shouldn't have been nice too. I saw Pierre there and he was scary. He wanted a hug, but yeah, no. It was great because nobody hit on me, but it made me feel uncomfortable that people just assumed I was with Steff. I just really missed PA people I guess.
Now Amanda is freaking out to my mom about how that I don't see her dad. My dad, technically, except... well, whatever. Now they are furitively whispering like I don't know what they are talking about. Yeah, hopefully I'll realize that "nothing happened." (Amanda) and that what I'm doing is "so stupid." (Amanda again) Right. Now I'm angry. I didn't like being ridiculed all the time, being told that I was the child of the devil, physically hurt, spit on, and just living in a constant state of fear. Even if it wasn't so bad, does that matter when I always had to tiptoe around everything? I think he wanted to intimidate me into being the child that he wants, but I'm not. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, loving person who is my own person, and hey, it's his loss for not loving ME. I would have drowned, doesn't anybody see? I would have stayed forever inside of myself because I would feel constantly threatened. Why do they think that it's my fault? It's not. It's not...
Yeah, so back on topic. They have this gay prom next weekend, and I could go to it, but how? There's even a bus there, but where do I tell my mom that I am going? A random prom with a bus that picks me up? For what? I don't think so. I don't know how to tell them. I should, I guess, but I just can't. I don't know what to do. I don't really even know people there. There is this one girl from my school, Diana, and we were all happy to see each other, though we didn't know about each other. That was really awesome. She was so smiley and happy and friendly, and last semester in health class she was so sad looking and alone and untalkative. What I really want is to go with my girl, to my own prom with my friends. Ahh! I can't do this.
I'm sick.
I have no room and I'm going crazy. I took a nap in Candace's room today.
I get jealous, and it's really funny. Mmmm, I love her so much.
I really don't want to go to college next year. I don't need to do the stupid freshman college thing, or watch people be idiotic. I just hope that I can get into that mode where I do things and create and be, with life behind it. That's nice. And learning to connect things... I already do that. What will I get out of this? I don't presume to know what I will know in four years, but I feel empty about the prospect of going to college.
I will be a kick ass counselor but they will yell at me anyway.
I don't know. Stuff. Yeah, stuff.
We went to the club which was cool. There were actually some straight people there. I had to pretend to be Stephanie's girlfriend because she's too nice to people she shouldn't have been nice too. I saw Pierre there and he was scary. He wanted a hug, but yeah, no. It was great because nobody hit on me, but it made me feel uncomfortable that people just assumed I was with Steff. I just really missed PA people I guess.
Now Amanda is freaking out to my mom about how that I don't see her dad. My dad, technically, except... well, whatever. Now they are furitively whispering like I don't know what they are talking about. Yeah, hopefully I'll realize that "nothing happened." (Amanda) and that what I'm doing is "so stupid." (Amanda again) Right. Now I'm angry. I didn't like being ridiculed all the time, being told that I was the child of the devil, physically hurt, spit on, and just living in a constant state of fear. Even if it wasn't so bad, does that matter when I always had to tiptoe around everything? I think he wanted to intimidate me into being the child that he wants, but I'm not. I'm a beautiful, intelligent, loving person who is my own person, and hey, it's his loss for not loving ME. I would have drowned, doesn't anybody see? I would have stayed forever inside of myself because I would feel constantly threatened. Why do they think that it's my fault? It's not. It's not...
Yeah, so back on topic. They have this gay prom next weekend, and I could go to it, but how? There's even a bus there, but where do I tell my mom that I am going? A random prom with a bus that picks me up? For what? I don't think so. I don't know how to tell them. I should, I guess, but I just can't. I don't know what to do. I don't really even know people there. There is this one girl from my school, Diana, and we were all happy to see each other, though we didn't know about each other. That was really awesome. She was so smiley and happy and friendly, and last semester in health class she was so sad looking and alone and untalkative. What I really want is to go with my girl, to my own prom with my friends. Ahh! I can't do this.
I'm sick.
I have no room and I'm going crazy. I took a nap in Candace's room today.
I get jealous, and it's really funny. Mmmm, I love her so much.
I really don't want to go to college next year. I don't need to do the stupid freshman college thing, or watch people be idiotic. I just hope that I can get into that mode where I do things and create and be, with life behind it. That's nice. And learning to connect things... I already do that. What will I get out of this? I don't presume to know what I will know in four years, but I feel empty about the prospect of going to college.
I will be a kick ass counselor but they will yell at me anyway.
I don't know. Stuff. Yeah, stuff.