Solider
I can't believe I am doing it. Part of me is proud of myself, and part of me is in total denial.
Tonight I heard myself say, "I can't go back to how things were. But I don't know if I can move forward either."
Sometimes I comfort myself with memories of when times were hard but eventually got better. But I don't remember my future looking so bleak before.
Someone recently told me that I will be stronger through all this. I hope that's true. I don't feel like the same person anymore. As far as strength, everything that's happened has made me aware of just how powerless I am in life. That might be the most crushing thing: running away from a relationship that's on "a nothing path to nowhere..." Knowing that leaving is the right thing to do... and then getting trapped in a bus entrance and robbed because I'm not strong enough to get away.
Maybe that's my strength? I will continue to run away and to fight for what I want, even if I can never have it, and even if everyone stands in my way, takes everything I have, and I am worse off than before.
Maybe it's better to die in the war you are losing than to never fight at all. I wish it were as simple as dying. My war is inescapable.
Tonight I heard myself say, "I can't go back to how things were. But I don't know if I can move forward either."
Sometimes I comfort myself with memories of when times were hard but eventually got better. But I don't remember my future looking so bleak before.
Someone recently told me that I will be stronger through all this. I hope that's true. I don't feel like the same person anymore. As far as strength, everything that's happened has made me aware of just how powerless I am in life. That might be the most crushing thing: running away from a relationship that's on "a nothing path to nowhere..." Knowing that leaving is the right thing to do... and then getting trapped in a bus entrance and robbed because I'm not strong enough to get away.
Maybe that's my strength? I will continue to run away and to fight for what I want, even if I can never have it, and even if everyone stands in my way, takes everything I have, and I am worse off than before.
Maybe it's better to die in the war you are losing than to never fight at all. I wish it were as simple as dying. My war is inescapable.