Hating on Senior year
Looking around me, I feel as if I cannot compete. My cumulative average is an 80.4 while all I hear is 90+ from everyone else. Though I'm told I should compare myself to others, how can I not? I'm competing for colleges against 1,000 others in my school alone. Colleges will compare my grade against everyone else's. How can I not feel overwhelmed? As much as I can try this year to bump my grades, not even getting 100s in every class can save me.
I saw in a facebook status today, "I have three weeks to decide the next 4 years of my life." I barely have 5 colleges on my list right now. I don't have any recommendations. I don't know what I want to do and my aspirations are merely short term.
Senior year, as seniors last year have said, is hard the first term. Stress is such a huge factor in my life, that I can ramble on for days, just to complain about every aspect of a single day that I hate.
I look forward to track each day I try to attend. At least 3 days a week for practice. Coach isn't satisfied. Today I asked Tisha how many days she came to practice. Four, she said. But Coach wants me to do five, that's impossible. In that case, how does Coach see me?
Despite the people who I do trust and love in track team, I'm not close with the ones that I rank in ability with. My close friends are in such high levels that I feel more than obligated to attend practice as often as possible, just so I can reach those heights. When the girls partner up, each time I find myself asking if anyone else lacks a partner because it seems everyone else has found one. I've managed to befriend a Junior, who I initially disliked- Rafia. I'm grateful now that my opinion of her has changed. I'm grateful that she partnered with me today.
Towards the end of our workout, I found myself alone. I'm only in a rush to go home after the week's most strenuous workout, so really, I shouldn't be surprised. But I still feel awkward in a team I've been in for months. I was the first, perhaps, to leave after our cooldown. Was I not supposed to tell Coach goodnight? He left me hanging. As I left to go home alone, I nearly cried in the streets. Today wasn't a completely terrible day. But all the little things get to me so easily. I want to believe that I am a competent runner. That with my hard work I can finally compete. Hell, freshman have already competed before I have. Unless I already know them, everyone in track thinks I'm a sophmore... I feel rather underestimated. This is my other motivation to work harder during practice.
Other little things that have bothered me today:
- I couldn't eat in Mr. Losey's class today so I had to wait until chorus. Turns out I didn't have a fork anyways.
- Juanita (school aide)shoved me because I wanted to go to the wrong side of the cafeteria just to get a fork.
- I participated in Ms. Lehrman's class but ended up getting tongue tied. She yells at the class, saying that we don't get what she's asking for. I'm terrified of her now.
- I'm not done with my sculpture. As I'm typing up this entry, I should be carving....
- I feel as if my happiness stems from being able to please others or to obtain approval from others.
- I have two tests tomorrow, and I haven't planned out Fashion Club.
- Body image is still a problem for me. I still feel ugly.
I wrote on my hand today these questions:
What am I working hard for?
What is my motivation?
I'm working hard to better myself. To give myself a sense of satisfaction. So that I can be above the rest because right now I feel like the bottom of the academic pyramid.
I'm motivated by my peers. I respect people who do well and aren't cocky about it. Ergo, I want to rise to be like them and perhaps above them. My negative motivation stems from my inferiority complex, wanting to assert my superiority. This, I hate.